Breaking Down the new Vamps from the teaser trailer

Dear LTT-ers,

By now we’ve all watched the Breaking Dawn Pt 2 teaser trailer like 30942390424 times and we have like 2309483094234 theories as to how it’s all going to play out. BUT in the mean time UC and I decided to break down the latest crop of vampires from what we could see of them in the trailers.

Moon: Let’s take a peek at some of these new vampires in action as seen on these screencaps at the Lex.

UC: This image, It’s Either Justin Chon mid-orgasm OR that guy from Twilight at the restaurant who says something about cats and sex
UC: money. sex. money cat
Moon: its one of justin chon‘s daily toilet pics from instagram (if you’re not following JC (just made that up) on instragram, DON’T start now, this is a real thing)
UC: hahahhahaha
.

Moon: this i like CANT EVEN


Moon:
they took a HOT dude ……..


UC: and turned him into a PORN star
Moon: No, they turned him into a homeless Nickleback fan
UC: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA. you win.
Moon: thats probably an Ed Hardy tank top under there
Moon: the man jewelry, the eye liner. he’s like a frying pan and a yellow douchey lamborghini away from being Guy Fieri
Moon: whatever middle aged mom from the wardrobe dept was put in charge of him and this look should be shot and buried under an Oakley’s store in the mall
UC: he for SURE found every dive bar in vancouver
Moon: Also look, Jerry is in the background
Hi Jerry!

UC: and that albino!
Moon: and that other dude we met who had the bad cell phone camera (According to HIM at dinner Tues. night but that’s a whole other post)!
Moon: they should have premiere swag bags with phones in them. for that guy and toni trucks (beep) alone.
.
UC: Speaking of Guyliner….. This is the son from 7th heaven right? Just in goth wear:

Moon: thats the prospector/mountain man version of Michael Sheen/Aro. That’s his disguise for spying on BellER and Edward
Moon: It says Joe Anderson as Allistair. I wonder if he has a better cell phone camera…
UC: Ohhhh Joe Anderson. OF coURse. how could I NOT realize
Moon: IMDB tells me he was in a lot of good movies and that he is another semi hot dude made to look like a crazy person
UC: oh WOW
Moon: he’s also like my age
UC: you’re right. pretty attractive made to look UNattractive… b/c apparently that’s what we do to vamps these days
Moon: and allistair looks about 50 and grizzled in that pic
.

Moon:  OH hey it’s that Rascal Flatts guy
UC: oh yhea– in the far left… look like he’s about to break into a song about the small working class town of Forks. A power ballad
Moon: GOD BLESS THE BROKEN ROOOOAD THAT LED ME STRAAAIGHT TO FOOOORKS
ohhhh oohhhhh oooooo
UC: “WHAT HURTSSSS THE MOST. IS WHEN I GIVE BIRTTHHH TO A HALF VAMP….”
Moon: LIFE IS A VOLVOOOO I WANNA DRIVE IT ALL NIGHT LONG
UC:  you googled them too for lyrics, right?  :)
Moon: hahahaha oh yea… totally googled them… didn’t know those at all.  ;) not.at.all.


Moon: FINALLY some rami malek up in this piece!
UC: oh finalllyyyy
Moon: using the force to stop that waterfall
UC: even though I was fairly confident that was Jacob at first look but dangggg…. he’s like Moses up in this piece
UC: oh you already said up in this piece
Moon: HAHAAH. Yes, it’s getting very gangsta in here. The Malek brings it out in us.
.

Ok, so we know we Tweeted about our super secret meeting but as you probably saw on the twitters UC and I were invited to an Edit Bay visit with Bill Condon along with some of the other Twilight sites/blogs. We can’t tell you much YET about it but it involved watching two clips, a little q&a about Breaking Dawn Pt 2 and maybe  a little trophy with a lamb on top. We’ll have more from that soon. AKA whenever we won’t be sued over talking about it.

Love ya like Garrett loves Ed Hardy, Jeigermeister and a bleach blond,
Moon & UC

Thanks to the Lexicon for letting us jack these screenshots from them.

SOOOOOOO whatdddya think of the new vampires. Will you be able to watch without thinking of country music or 7th Heaven or Canadian rockers now? Yea, we didn’t think so!

  • http://twitter.com/Tigerkitten36 Tasha

    I think you *may* have ruined the movie for me.  NICKELBACK??!!!  Ugh.   I hope to brain bleach that out fore the movie opens.

  • GoodGirlGonePlaid

    Laughed up that mini breakdown like it’s Friday. Happy wknd y’all.
    Thumbs Down. xo

  • Laxplays

    And what the hell happened to Aro?  He looks hunched up awkward in the trailer and definitely sounds like Dr Evil from Austin Powers.

    *drum roll* I think Bella is the most realistic vamp out there…….

    • MariaCecilia

      But then she was always the down-to-earth Everygirl of the story, so it only makes sense that she’s gonna be the “Oh, be serious!”-vampire too. (Scowling. Scratch the lip biting. Razor-sharp teeth and marble lips don’t go well together. Imagine the screeching noise? Like nails on a black-board?)

  • BeaDee

    Garrett’s hair is a crime. What did we suspect with the past track record, I suppose. But would it have been so hard to give him a little colonial-style pigtail tied back w/ a piece of leather? That is what the book specifies, right? Do that and leave the guyliner off and he would have been a hot manly vampire, even with the tank and jewelry. Sigh. 

    • Luludee

      For realz, dude!! The more I think about it, the more crestfallen I become. I was so looking forward to Lee Pace as Garrett.

      F U WIG DEPARTMENT!!!
      And F me for expecting you to actually be good at your job.

      On the plus side, we can update the LTT BadWigs merch for this last movie.

      • BeaDee

        You’re right, at this point the disappointment is as much our fault for expecting decent hair as it is the makeup dept’s. You think we’d figure it out at some point.

    • TeamJacobEdward

      The ever-present Summit Niece strikes again.

    • Fel

       Yes, where was his colonial-style hair? He’s not what I pictured at all. :(

    • TeamSeth

       Honestly, I think Lee Pace looks hot even there. That’s how hot Lee Pace is. And think about that chainmail necklace… it’s so long and easy to grab… so easy to pull him towards your body and rip off that wig while you close your eyes so you don’t have to see that his facial hair is unevenly grown. I mean, okay, yeah. But I still think he’s hot. Unf.

      • Luludee

         I like the way you think ;) And yes, he is still hot, but he could have been so much hotter!!
        His hair keeps reminding me of 80’s secretary hair. Like the lady from Ferris Bueller.  

        • TeamSeth

           Mrs. Cope!!!

  • BeaDee

    Also: Who has theories on how they get to put in battle scenes without totally changing the ending? Are we seeing Bella’s imagination? Or 14 versions of Alice’s ever-changing visions? Or did Stephenie let them screw with the ending?

    • Luludee

      I was wondering that myself. Maybe, having lived off grizzly bear blood for so long, the Cullens and friend’s have subconsciously taken on some of the behaviors of their favorite foods and in an effort to protect their territory and new cub, decide to try to bluff charge and intimidate the Volturri. 

      • TeamSeth

         Um… this is amazing. You are amazing.

        • Luludee

           Lol, thanks! :D I thought it was pretty funny too. Not gonna lie, I was a little bummed I only got 2 likes. But I just realized that I missed a great opportunity to use “they’re NOT bears” so I deserve a thumbs down for that.

    • TeamJacobEdward

      OH!  Maybe my theory (just posted) isn’t right.  Maybe that’s just a vision!!!  I think you have something here…

    • Nelle

      Me too. Why do they always think a battle scene is necessary?  It is NOT going to make guys come to these movies. I think the battle scene with the wolves at the end of BD Part 1 was ridiculous. Especially because Edward NEVER left Bella’s side during her transformation.  So how are they going to end this movie if there is a battle scene? Did they just not have the capability of filming Bella’s special power?  I love love love Bill Condon, but I’m afraid the battle scenes in Part 1 and 2 are major fails! (Although I’ll reserve judgment on Part 2 until I’ve actually seen it)

    • Fel

       I was wondering that, too. I figured it was Alice’s vision.

  • Twiprof

    Moon and UC! You are cracking me up this morning! Thank you for the breakdown! I love the super secret stuff! Can’t wait to hear more! Yipppppeeee! And btw, how do any of the other vampires fit into modern society when they all look like they came out of the jungle?

    • MariaCecilia

      Yes, it’s a bummer that way that vampires never change. Imagine walking around NYC in a loin cloth, just because you were turned into a vampire in the Brazilian jungle? Embarrassing, I tell you.

  • TeamJacobEdward

    Anyone else wondering about the part where they’re running headlong towards one another as if to fight it out?  Does someone with formidable gifts halt them?  Because they don’t duke it out.
    Hold on!  OMG!  I just figured it out!!
    The Volturi threesome debate and vote to kill Renesmee 2 to 1.  The groups begin to run towards one another and Jake (in wolf form) turns to run off with Renesmee, but that’s when Alice shows up with Nahuel.  Saving the day.
    You heard it here first folks.

    • MariaCecilia

      TJE: I think you’re right: they just HAD to tune the drama up a notch. But actually it makes more sense, like when Bella actually cut her arm to help Edward in Eclipse the movie, instead of just thinking about it like she did in the book. Stephenie just never got around to writing the action: but IRL, would a big bunch of vampires actually just stand around and give each other the stink-eye and then mosey off, after such a massive build-up? Nah, I don’t think so. Realism, people, realism. ;-)

      • TeamJacobEdward

        Or like Edward fighting Felix in New Moon.  That didn’t happen in the books…

        You make a good point

        • TeamSeth

           mmm daniel cudmore.

      • TeamSeth

         I don’t know, the Volturi are all about maintaining order and vampire secrecy. Would they really want an all out battle? Or to fight Edward in NM? I mean, of course they WANT it, but not outwardly. Like in Eclipse they allow stuff to happen that would jeopardize the Cullens ability to survive (massive army attack = bad odds, unless Loki is in charge of your army, then it’s pretty much fail… sexy Hiddleston though #unf), but then they visibly show up after the actual fighting. The Volturi is all about the clean PR face rather than cleaning up a bloody mess (heh).

        • TeamSeth

           That said, Caius has a bit of bloodlust (caused by cheesewheels and nipple clamps, I assume). So, really, it’s Aro who likes the mindgames and would rather have his guards’ powers divide the Cullen clan and its supporters than to kill them off. Marcus too is passive.

    • TeamSeth

       I stopped reading when I got to “Voluturi threesome” YES PLEASE!

      • TeamJacobEdward

        LMAO

  • TeamJacobEdward

    Is it weird that when I went to “Like” this post, I wanted to “downthumb” this post just for old time’s sake with all the downthumbers that popped up on occasion?

  • Blondieinco

    On about my 4th or 5th viewing of the trailer, my mind wandered to “Who drew the short straw for this film?” with regard to hair (previously awarded to PFach – and really, anyone who has had to wear a wig), makeup (sadly, Rob claims this in New Moon), and wardrobe (Ashley – but there’s been plenty of others who got dumped on in this departmet.)  Thanks for highlighting that it is, in fact, the new guys who came up short this time. 

    Maybe it’s some sort of hazing????

    BTW – Rob looked like hot sauce in the dark jacket and scarf.  And I love Kristen’s jacket.

    • BeaDee

      Garrett’s the saddest hair failure, but the Amazons are pretty scary too…

  • Stacey

    What the heck did they do to my Pie Man! Aaaahhhh!

    Also, Marcus I think is on True Blood now, looking like a more attractive vampire. I was shocked too!

    • TeamSeth

       OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!! That’s who that is!!!!

      • Luludee

        I had a similar experience recently, only with a different show. I’m a Stargate fan and was catching up on Atlantis a few months ago, having not gotten the opportunity while it was still on the air. There was a re-occurring character who was in heavy makeup and I kept thinking that there was something very familiar about him. A few clicks on IMDB and I found out that it was Marcus, which triggered a text message to my bff, very much like your comment here.

    • TeamSeth

       Okay. Whew. Calming down. He’s sooo good on TB! In his scene with Bill, I was thinking, “This guy is really good.” They had good chemistry in that scene. le sigh.

  • Special diet

    I’ve never seen a movie so good at making a bunch of attractive sexy people look terrible. Kriisten looks like a young Priscilla Presley with that old fashioned hairstyle, but at least this time she’s kept out of the clutches if the Bad Wig Dept.

  • MariaCecilia

    Oh, I’m grateful for once that I’m not savvy with American TV and pop culture: most of these guys are unknown faces for me. I can’t even tell who’s wearing a wig or not!! *shock*
    I’m just sighing happily because Edward looks pretty darn good again. The rest will probably work itself out…

  • The_OldOne

    I’m a bad fan, because I saw the trailer and didn’t even notice any of the new people.  Totally missed them.  
    And, listen up, makeup department.  Vampires are supposed to be naturally beautiful.  That means the transformation from human to vampire doesn’t come with a bonus quart of  Maybelline products somehow magically gooped all over their faces.  Please.

    • BeaDee

      Exactly. The fact that the most notable change in Bella is that she now has Southern Pageant Queen hair irritates me to no end… her hair is the one thing that’s supposed to stay the same. Grrr..

  • Ldavis827

    Can’t wait to hear more about the top secret Condon meeting. I’m sure you did us proud!!!

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_OK56SG2MUHTUDJEBF6ARTYOHL4 tbc

    “No, they turned him into a homeless Nickleback fan”  I just snorted diet green tea out of my nose when I read that.  I should know better by now not to drink and read this site.  :)

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