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Characters that got the shaft in the movie Vol. 1: Jasper

Jasper_Cullen

Dear Jasper -

I’ve been thinking about this for a while now since I first saw the movie and now that I’m rereading Twilight (again). I’ve come to a conclusion Jasper: I think you got royally screwed in the movie. You (as well as some others I will cover in later posts) got screwed out of some majorly needed character development and denied one of the most powerful and in my personal opinion one of the BEST scenes from the book. You know the one… if you’ve got your bibles Twilight books handy it’s on page 404, near the end after the baseball scene they’re in the garage and everyone has run off to chase after James and Victoria while Alice and Jasper take Bella to Phoenix. Bella and Jasper are alone in the garage and this exchange takes place…

Jasper and I looked at each other. He stood across the length of the entryway from me… being careful.

“You’re wrong, you know,” he said quietly.

“What?” I gasped.

I can feel what you’re feeling now — and you are worth it.”

“I’m not,” I mumbled. “If anything happens to them, it will be for nothing.”

“You’re wrong,” he repeated, smiling kindly at me.

jasperaliceAmazing, isn’t it? Calm, cool reassuring Jasper says one of the most profound ideas of the entire saga, the whole basis for why they put themselves in danger, the reasoning behind Edward’s love for her. That above all else SHE’S WORTH IT! And it was not in the movie! What were they thinking? They added in some totally necessary parts and left THIS gem out? I really can’t quite understand that. Not only was this amazing scene cut from the movie we also never really learn fully about your abilities, Jasper. It’s mentioned that you’re “special” like Edward and Alice but they never explain how or why. Instead Jackson is forced to play Jasper as some sort of Edward Scissorhands caricature with crazy eyes and a serious need for Immodium AD. When really he’s a much deeper character with very deep emotions.

I understand the limitations of film but I still think you got screwed and I can only hope that they get it right from here on out with not only your character Jasper but with a lot of other ones. And while we’re at it can you tell Stephenie Meyer once she’s through finishing Midnight Sun she can start on the Alice/Jasper story. I’m DYING simply DYING to know more! I need to read the diner scene and get all ooey gooey with some Jasper and Alice love.

Soothe me Jasper,
Themoonisdown

Now don’t jump the gun… this is volume ONE and we have plenty of other characters to talk about!

Don’t let the good times end, head over to the forum and today’s daily chat!

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We saw Breaking Dawn and we are Fade to Sad-isfieid

*REMINDER: You can mute the sound from the ads on the sidebar AND at the bottom of the page. They will stay muted forever. YAY! Now read in blessed silence*

**BREAKING DAWN REVIEW COMPLETE WITH SPOILERS DUH!!! DON’T READ IF YOU HAVEN’T SEEN BD AND DON’T WANT TO BE SPOILED!**

Forever is only the beginning

Dear Breaking Dawn,

Remember when we said Eclipse was a real movie last July? Well we hadn’t seen you yet. That’s right, just like fine wine and George Clooney, Twilight keeps getting better with age. And with age comes wisdom… here’s what we’ve learned from Breaking Dawn

Things we learned from Breaking Dawn:

  • If we hold hands in public it’s for two reasons: we are either 2nd hand embarrassed at all the Robsten fans squeeling at any kiss/hand hold/dadward/sex scene or we were genuinely scared or grossed out. Cause that happens in this. BD is NOT for the faint of heart.
  • Forget Bella, Edward and Jacob the REAL love triangle of Breaking Dawn is Sue, Charlie and Billy. Cause for realzzzz yall something is going on with the parents. Breaking Dawn has something for every age… There’s still hope after 40!
  • Becoming a vampire means instant boob job, shiny shiny Ashley Greene type hair and a permanent smoky eye. Oh and not to mention the blood red crazy eyes. You think someone will ask for this on Dr. 90210 next season?
  • Twilight movies can be funny for the RIGHT reasons no longer are Bella and Edward going on a drug trip in the Pacific ocean or slow-mo forest running in Anne of Avonlea clothes, there are moments like the wedding toasts which make you LOL because it’s really funny or when BooBoo Stewart and Taylor Lautner have actual funny Big Brother/Little Brother interaction.

His name's BooBoo... yea I know I don't get it either

  • Speaking of BooBoo Stewart, he had more lines in Breaking Dawn than Kellan has had in all the Twilight movies combined. And his name is BOOBOO. Time to get a new agent Kellan.
  • The CGI team used to create the wolfpack earned overtime concealing Kristen’s buttcrack because her gorgeous dress was cut so low in the back. Who knew butt cleavage would be the new IT thing in wedding fashions? Thanks Carolina!
    .
  • Give Jackson ANY word it doesn’t matter he will throw that faux Texas accent on it and add the Elvis lip curl and make it into a one word stand up comedy routine. We’re still trying to figure out if this is an intentional choice by him or just dumb luck.

Peter sucks at Rock, Paper, Scissors

  • Someone will ALWAYS get shafted and be wearing some sort of heinous wig on their head. Unfortunately, Peter Facinelli drew the short straw this time and to make matters worse, I’m pretty sure his hair line changed in every scene as if the bleached dead animal on his head was taking it last gasps of air before it gave in to it’s inevitable future: lying on top of Mike Dexter’s head.
  • Taylor deserves an award for making the imprinting scene less creepy than we thought it would come off and thank you Bill for showing Renesmee as an adult so everyone else would get it and Chris Hansen could stop hiding in the movie theater broom closet and sit down and enjoy the movie like the rest of us.

Can you not read my lips?! LISTEN CAREFULLY!!

  • Wolves fighting with each other via mind reading is confusing and weird for people not in the know maybe they could have had a fist fight on First Beach or an angry G-chat session instead so I didn’t have to explain what was going on to the super confused couple next to me.
  • Housekeepers in Brazil are super rude and stare a lot… especially when they think their employer is a blood sucking demon. However, the blood sucking demon offers great benefits and a 401k so they keep their mouths shut and keep bringing the eggs.
  • Critics may pan you and haters may hate but ya know what? This ain’t for them. They don’t KNOW Bella and Edward like we do, they aren’t invested like we are. These movies are for us… and the boyfriends and unicorns we drag along with us.
  • The heardboard scene still makes me laugh. HARD.

Babe, let's sleep in tomorrow and go to the 2nd service

  • You know what makes losing your virginity to a preternaturally strong vampire better? Losing it while a song fit for the contemporary service on a Sunday morning plays in the background! For reals though, best song and best scene. Sleeping at Last gets a big HALE YES from us.
  • Speaking of Breaking Hymen, REALLY Bella losing your virginity to a 107 year old virgin was the best night of your life? Maybe the best 50 seconds of your life. Or maybe you’ve got your rose colored glasses on and are romanticizing it a bit.

We do have to say though: Stephenie, thank you (from the bottom of our easily 2nd hand embarassed hearts) for stepping in and not letting them make a Robsten Porno out of the honeymoon sex scenes. THANK YOU!!! It was just right, not too much and not too little… it was perfectly executed so consider us fade to sad-isfied!

Really we loved it… and can’t wait to see it again (and again… and probably again with 10 other people) and then we’ll do some more in depth reviews.

GO SEE BREAKING DAWN! NOW!
Moon & UC

PS See more Breaking Dawn Black Carpet coverage at LTR today! I get Rob-blocked by a certain someone!

PPS Go visit VH1′s Fablife to see yours truly featured as their Super Fans! And Comment!!!

So did you see it?!  WHAT DID YOU THINK!? Favorite scene? Any laughable moments?

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What if Twilight didn’t Fade to Sad?

Dear Twilight hornballs,

When Moon & I gave Stephenie her LTT gifts after our big interview, she opened up the notebook that said “Fade to Black Sad” on the front (inside contained a private, REAL “letter To Stephenie” (sneak peek: “We love you more than Robsteners love the idea of Rob & K getting it on on a bear skin rug in front of a fire”)) she said (I’m paraphrasing), “I’m sorry guys- I just can’t write what really happens! I have kids- I can’t read that to them” (She DOES read her books to her kids! AW- “Mommy- what’s a leg hitch?” “Come here, Pancho, let’s show them how it’s done”) And I responded (paraphrasing)- “WE HATE YOU SO MUCH We understand. As much as we want to know the details that exist in YOUR magnificent brain, if you were really specific your story would end up on the shelf next to those books with Fabio on the cover.”

And it’s true. Can you imagine if Breaking Dawn DIDN’T “fade to black?” I mean, isn’t the sexual tension and the non-sex what keeps the story going at times? As much as I love reading a little sexytimes story to pick up new tips- I’m sorry- any story that says “shaft” isn’t one I feel I can proudly show on my bookshelf. Here I’ll prove it:

He stood, his back to me, waist deep in the midnight water, staring up at the oval moon. The pallid light of the moon turned his skin a perfect white, like the sand, like the moon itself, and made his wet hair black as the ocean…The water was so clear, I swear I could make out the entirety of his shaft.

How’s that for a description? Don’t you wish included more details like that? Here’s another:

I slipped the towel off without hesitation, leaving it on the tree with his clothes, and walked out into the white light; it made me pale as the snowy sand too… I stepped in, walking carefully across the invisible ocean floor, but my care was unnecessary; the sand continued perfectly smooth, sloping gently toward Edward. I waded through the weightless current till I was at his side, and then I placed my hand lightly over his cool hand lying in the water…”Bella touch my shaft” he whispered.

RobioDamn I’m all hot and having visions of Edward as Fabio right now.  It CAN believe it’s butter, baby….

I was talking to @Brookelockart about this very topic & she said she doesn’t necessarily wish for lemons, but she would like a little lemon zest from time to time. I think she means something a little bit like this:

He shuddered the tiniest bit at my warm touch. His breath came rougher now. “I promised we would try,” he whispered, suddenly tense. “If… if I do anything wrong, if I hurt you, you must tell me at once…” At that moment I had such a wet center that all I could think of was his throbbing member.

Now THAT’S the story I always wanted. Don’t want me to stop!? Okay:

“Don’t be afraid,” I murmured. “We belong together.” I was abruptly overwhelmed by the truth of my own words. And by the heat radiating from my wet sex. This moment was so perfect, so right, there was no way to doubt it.

NOW the story is perfect!!! Actually, if you did think my addition to the quotes added an element to the story you were really missing, it’s probably time you donate your stack of $3.99 paperbacks from Wal-mart to a local dumpster. Maybe we want to know MORE of what happened, but have you ever read a book that’s delivered the goods without going the ‘way of the shaft?’ I’ve read some HOT book sex scenes. I remember story time at the beach while on vacation with friends when ItalianGirl read a scene out loud of sex & cigarettes while riding horseback. It was GREAT- but the word “Shaft” was used like 120 times. Seriously. We get it. The dude has a big one. You liked it, female protagonist.

Isn’t the “fade to sad” why we love the #LegHitch so much!? It’s something FINALLY worthy of interest for those 14 or older that goes down between Edward & Bella. And we hold our breath and wait while Edward’s hand trails down Bella’s calf and under her knee to pull up her leg and hitch it around his hip. SQUEE! As (mostly) grown, experienced women, that sort of stuff shouldn’t excite us the way it does. But it DOES. And I’m so glad. It reminds me of my innocence so long gone. And while I want more- and REALLY want to know what happens in Stephenie’s mind (There’s a pool in Arizona that had Isle Esme acted out in its entirety I’m SURE!) if the options are “Fade to Sad” vs “Fade to Shaft…” wellllll, I guess I’ll take sad.

His arms wrapped around mine, holding me against him, summer and winter. It felt like every nerve ending in my body was a live wire. “Forever,” he agreed, and then pulled us gently into the deeper water. And onto his shaft.

Sorry! Couldn’t resist!

Love,
UnintendedChoice

PS: I asked for Mr. Choice to suggest “non-perverse but totally gross sex words” to help me with this letter & while I appreciated his desire to help….. well, no… I did not use his suggestions!

So what do you think? Ever read a non-shaft-mentioning sex story that WASN’T worthy of Fabio on the cover? Think Breaking Dawn could have added a bit more details and stayed the way of the Twilight Saga- innocent yet filled with sexual tension? How upset WERE you that Breaking Dawn ended up “Fading to Sad?”

Did you know we sell “Fade to Sad” Stuff in our LTT_LTR store! Fade to Sad today!!!

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

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