Oh it’s here: The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part 1 – aka the longest movie title ever- DVD release

Make sure you get the "Special Edition" cuz I hear there's a Robsten Sex Tape in the extras

Dear Twilight,

In celebration of the Breaking Dawn Part 1 DVD release tonight I thought we’d do something we haven’t done since New Moon or Twilight. (Sorry Eclipse, we forgot you) A Twilight Drinking Game.

Yes, it’s that time again. Time to stand in line outside in the freezing cold at the Target at midnight, waiting, not for a 72″ TV on sale for $29.99, but for a DVD that you could just get at 9 am the next morning (because there is no way Target is gonna run out of DVDs.) It’s time to gather your Twi-girlfriends together, kick the kids & the men out of the house, grab the special Twilight cups you keep just for this occasion (Red Solo Cups. (“I fill you up.”)) and make those snacks you call “Twilight Bites” that are really just an excuse to make double fudge chocolate brownies. It’s that one night a year you can let your girlfriends into that room you have permanently decorated as the Cullen’s House but let them think you hired a decorator just for the DVD party. You can take your Life-sized Jacob & Edward cardboard cut outs into the living space of your home instead of where they are safely packed away (on the floor on your side of the bed.. shhh don’t tell the mister) And yes, you can play “pin the (insert whatever you want) on Edward’s (insert preferred PG, PG-13 or R rated body part)”

But it wouldn’t be a Twilight party without a drinking game to go along with the DVD. So I give you:

Letters to Twilight’s The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part 1 Drinking Game

First

- Take a drink if you can say the proper title to the latest Twilight movie without stumbling.

Now Start the Movie
- Take a drink every time you wish Charlie was your dad
- Take a drink when you erase that first thought & wish you could get it on with Charlie

- Take a drink every time you get that gooey feeling inside when Edward is on screen & you want to scream or shriek like you’re in the theater at midnight
- Do a shot with every toast at the wedding. Double shot when Anna Kendrick speaks
- Do a shot every time you hear a song from an earlier film
- With every inappropriate smile that Bella gives Jake, drink!

- Drink every time something makes you think of LTT (so basically every Robsten scene)
- During the Edward & Bella scenes (so basically the whole movie) drink whenever you think of a Robsten joke you or someone on LTT once made. Double fist if it’s about the bear-skin rug
- Drink if you find yourself humming “Breathe me”
- Take a BIG gulp the minute you realize you’re watching the scene where Jumping Rob was birthed
- Drink every time you miss Buttcrack Santa
- Every time you think, “Oh They practiced that!” Drink!

- Do a shot every time you get feel icky about imprinting
- As Rosalie gets scarier as the film progresses, drink. Extra points if you sing the song Nikki Reed’s husband sang at the end of American Idol (wait, did he win AI?)

-Close your eyes, hold your ears and CHUG the bottle when Bella’s back breaks, she goes down & gets torn apart. You won’t survive that scene sober
-Drink every time you want to cry because it’s so emotional & beautiful & Bella & Edward are having much better sex than you are. Or because the saga is almost over. (By now you should be drinking out of the bottle because you’re crying so hard because we’ve gotten you so drunk up to this point)

Think of Me

-Do a shot in Chris Hansen’s honor the EXACT minute Jacob imprints
- Drink if you or someone in your group says “WHERE IS THE CHRISTINA PERRY SONG?”
- BONUS Throw a drink in the face of whoever says “I KNEW it would end like this”

Yay!! Now you’re good & drunk! Eat more brownies! Make out with Cardboard cut out Edward! Make Cardboard Jacob kiss Cardboard Edward! Write some Robsten Fan Fic! Whatever!! You’re having Fun!

Love,
UnintendedChoice

Wanna Reminisce? Twilight Drinking Game & New Moon Drinking Game

So who is excited? Are you going to one of the Target midnight release parties? I’ll be away from Philly visiting my sister in Pittsburgh so I doubt I’ll make it to one, but I’ll be thinking of you all. Please tweet me the amazing things you see at your release party!   Oh Yeah- HAPPY BIRTHDAY TAYLOR LAUTNER (Tomorrow) You were MUCH more fun when you were underage and/or seen out at Olive Garden more often.

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

57 Commented

Breaking Dawn Part I: The Musical

As a reminder- there are auto-playing video ads on LTT. I know. We’re so annoying. Mute them & they’ll stay muted for life. Hit the volume button- two in the side bar. Two (or 3 I forget) down below.

Dear LTTers,

We have these friends Alice & Bella Not an Addikt (You remember them from their defunct website. RIP) who live in Belgium. They’re normal 20-somethings- ya know, speak 4 languages (or is 5?), in PhD programs (I think Alice is done hers actually. And Bella was “too busy” defending her dissertation last week to get this video done for us) are gorgeous, friendly, bring me macaroons when they visit me in New York on hot Spring days and are about to BLOW YOUR FREAKIN’ MINDS with what they did for us at LTT.

Yes, Bella & Alice are bringing us Breaking Dawn Part 1: The Musical complete with original lyrics set to Broadway favorites. Stop what you’re doing. Put down that contract you’re combing through at your boring desk job. Drop that kid. Pull that car over on the side of the road (seriously, don’t read LTT while driving) and Watch This Now:

We know. We cried too! Feed the wolves? Don’t cry for me Jacob Black? Who is that rediculously brilliant & funny? Is this a sign we should retire from LTT & give our Belgian friends the reigns!?

Hear from Alice & Bella themselves after the jump! Continue…

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A few things that have made me laugh about Twilight

Hear ads? Yeah, we do too. They will stop annoying you if you take 2 seconds to MUTE them by hitting the volume button- two ads on the side (or directly below this post) and one all the way at the bottom! We hear this trick works to mute politicians too!

Dear Twilight,

With the hubbub of Breaking Dawn dying down, I’ve finally had a moment to collect my thoughts & sort through my emails &  my bookmarks & share a few funnies I came across over the past few weeks that maybe you missed. Yes two of these are videos & I knowwwww you can’t always watch videos if you’re at one of those job-things, but SAVE THEM for later. Seriously- especially this first one. You DON’T want to miss it.

First up from The Onion:

Older Hispanic Men Line Up Excitedly For ‘Breaking Dawn’ Premiere

I mean really… can that BE any funnier?? (Said in my best Ross Geller voice)

Then there was:

And okay that gets a little ridiculous at the end (Cause apparently to me T.W.A.Ds isn’t ridiculous in & of itself. That’s Normal) but come on! That’s funny!

And lastly, the hilarous blogger, The Bloggess, LEGITIMATELY donned a wolf costume for her Breaking Dawn midnight showing:

And wrote ALL about the experience: It’s like a hoodie but with fangs. Read it NOW!

Short & sweet today, but GUESS WHAT? There will be content tomorrow AND Friday on LTT! Whoo hoo! Why are we posting on a THURSDAY, you ask? Well, maybe it’s a very special day tomorrow December 8th. I bet you’ll never guess what!

Talk to you soon! And by “talk” I mean, I talk and you write amazing comments about my amazing talking & occasionally mix in a hateful comment*

xo,
UnintendedChoice

*I’m in an ODD mood tonight, if you can’t tell!

Thanks to Bea for sending me TWO of the 3 things I posted today! XO

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

14 Commented

White Yorkie Reviews Breaking Dawn – So much wrong, so much right!

Dear LTT,You know when you receive and unsolicited Breaking Dawn review from a guy in your inbox the day after the movie is released you need to reevaluate your life… that and your friend is a FAN! Ok, ok I kid… You all remember White Yorkie from his famous posts and past podcasts, well no surprise I (totally didn’t) wrangled him into seeing Breaking Dawn with us and then I was totally surprised when this did show up in my inbox…
.
To: Moon
From: White Yorkie
.
Well…. Shit balls, where to begin?Before I delve into anything detailed, I think I’ll just start with some rapid-fire initial thoughts:-The Stephanie at the wedding.  Ugh.  There’s way too many metaphors and junk to discuss concerning this, but I’m a dude.  And lazy.-Ashley Greene.  Girl, you know I’ll always love you.  You’re a beautiful, beautiful woman.  So stop letting whatshisnuts do whoopsidaisy dance moves on you where you reveal your undercarriage to undeserving eyes.  It’s just not becoming.

-The scene where BSwan reveals her ingenious plan to name her daughter Renesmee.  Edward’s all “bitch, no way” and Jacob’s all “I’d do you right now, bruised preggo belly and all.”  Bella, stop being such a puss.  Go for it.  Call your baby Renesmeward.  Done.

My daughter's getting married and I've still got it!

-That stupid sexy catwalk Bella’s mom does when she gets the wedding invite.  Stop it.  And stop wearing those shorts.  And just go away and die or something.  You have nothing to contribute to these movies.  Team Mustache.

- The end credits.  I hate to say this.  But they might be my favorite of the year.  Way too cool for this movie.

-The wolf barking/talking/chase/fight scene.  What.  The.  Tits?  After the dramatic fade to black I wanted to sing.  I wanted to recite poetry.  I wanted to stand and applaud.  I wanted to throat punch the nearest grandma.  Anything, something to convey my overwhelming joy that something like that exists in cinema.  I was just too slack-jawed at the time to do much of anything.

Show us the carnage!! Not these doofus's

-The birth scene.  Anybody who’s talked to me knows this is the reason I was pumped to see this movie.  And it was simultaneously completely satisfying and completely disappointing.  Hot: all the blood.  Nearly dead Bella.  The overall tone of the scene.  Not hot:  Bella’s POV during the pivotal vampire c-section.

-The dream sequence where a bloodied Bella and Edward stand victorious on a mound of the dead.  I mean what the whaaaaaaat.  Yes please.  Why can’t the movies be about stuff like that?  Forever confused.

-More Ashley Greene being awesome.  Less of her doing flippies and being a damsel in distress during the vampire vs doggies scene.

-Why can’t Bella ever look happy.  About anything.  Ever.  Oh wait.  She does.  When Jacob shows up hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

-The vampire “extra special effects” still look like they were done by a dude fired from a CW show.  Somebody pony up some more cash for that shiz.  Take a few skrillz from the wig budget heyoooo

-Charlie is totally boning that Native American lady.  Secret loooooooovaaaahs

Alright.  Time to get serious.  As serious as I can get about a movie that I loathe and love all at the same time.  That’s right.  I said love.  I think this is the first Twilight movie I would actually recommend for people to go see.  Not because I think it’s some masterpiece.  But because it’s a masterpiece.  Let me explain.

But first, I need to get a few things off my chest that I hated about this movie and all the movies in the series.

More back breaking less slutty Renee

All of these movies are so odd.  I wish there was a better word for it but that’s all I got.  They’re so damn odd.  Odd in tone, look, structure, overall story, script, everything.  They’re such a mish-mash of awkward.  Especially this installment.  In the same movie, you have a pre-sexy time montage with Bella, a hilarious wedding reception speech by Scott Pilgrim’s sister, vampire bros giggling and secret hand-shaking as they’re about to go on Edward’s bachelor party (why couldn’t that be told in flashback instead of Edward’s secret past as Dexter?), and a scene where BELLA’S BACK FUCKING SNAPS IN HALF BECAUSE OF HER DEMON (but actually really nice) BABY.

There are so many tonal shifts in this movie that it’s hard to take seriously.  Not that I could ever take it seriously.  Well, maybe.  I could if certain things were done.  The major one being: start telling a coherent story.  With a beginning, middle, and end.  One with a driving plot.  And yes, I know there’s all these scenes from the book that all you ladyz want to see.  I get that.  But I still think all that crap could be included and still tell a story that makes sense.

Hey guys we're getting to the major conflict of the story you should really leave cause you're going to be needed

Small example of nonsensical stuff:  Bella is pregnant with the spawn of Satan.  Awesome.  And she needs to drink blood to stay alive.  Great.  But they’re running out of blood and they need to get her more.  Got it.  SO WHY DID THE ONE DOCTOR IN THE HOUSE LEAVE TO GET THE BLOOD WHEN HE HAD FULL KNOWLEDGE THAT SAID DAUGHTER OF BELZEBUB WAS ABOUT TO CLIMB OUT OF BELLA’S DYING LADY PARTS?

I know it’s all there for dramatic effect and junk.  But come ON.  At least give me a good reason.  And yeah, it might all be there on the page in the book, but you got to have this reason in the movie.

But story wise…  it just takes so long to get going.  And once it does, I kinda got bored with all the conflict that wasn’t happening but should’ve been happening.  Which I feel is a problem in this movie and the last one.  It’s a lot of waiting around for unclear reasons while conflict is about to maybe, possibly happen.  Bored.

Follow the jump for much much more from White Yorkie including who Breaking Dawn should really be about (spoiler NOT Edward and Bella) and more calling the Wolves, doggies
Continue…

81 Commented

Breaking Down Breaking Dawn Vanity Fair Style

Reminder note: There are THREE auto-playing video ads- two in the side, one ALL the way below. Hit the volume button ONCE & it should mute them for eternity. 

Dear Breaking Dawn,

It’s been TWO WEEKS since you came out to the public & we’ve sighed with you, cried with you, fell in love with you, been jealous of your immense wealth and now… well, it’s time to laugh at you. No, this isn’t a Break Down of the entire movie.. we do have lives, but it is a break down of some of our most favorite parts! Someone give Billy Burke & Anna Kendrick an Oscar already!

Watch out! Anna is about to kill it

UC: Moon. It’s been two weeks. And I gotta be honest.. we were in a “Breaking Dawn was SO GOOD (as compared to the other movies” haze for awhile there…. How are you feeling? I mean how are WE feeling, since we’re the same person usually except you have better hair? And I love cats more
Moon: HA. my one quality. Its been a week and some change, I’ve seen it 3 times and I gotta say I’m still feeling good about it
UC: Me too
Moon: it’s held up every time and each time I found something different to like… and also some things that made me go HUH?! cause it wouldn’t be a twilight movie without a few things we laughed at
UC: it would be SAD if we didn’t laugh I’d quit probably!!! Hear that movie makers (aka Stephenie & Wyck who we like to think loves us)??? Don’t make BD Part 2 too good
UC: I mean… I feel good enough that I’ve kinda been defensive (in my head- never out loud. I keep that baby tucked inside) when I hear criticism
Moon: oh i defs get defensive but i think it’s just because all the years of keeping it in wore off
UC: did you go ape shit on some 12 year olds who were complaining Jacob didn’t get enough screen time?
Moon: right, Steph & Wyck: PLEASE make sure to include some easter eggs for us. Some laughs. Some jessica stanley goodness too
UC: SERIOUSLY… a dream sequence or something… i dunno how else she’ll be in it
Moon: cant EVER let a movie go by without anna kendrick KILLING IT
UC: make Bella DEF run into a tree her first time running around. The Spider Monkey tree- FULL CIRCLE Y’ALL
Moon: jessica could be a Volturi wife. i don’t care
UC: Speaking of that.. Guaranteed Anna’s contract has a stipulation that says “okay- she’ll do this film BUT only if you let her Kill it AT LEAST ONCE. But probably more like 3 times”
Moon: and lauren mallory could be the other. she’s never been in any other twi film, but why not whip her out for the last one??
Moon: Anna’s contract includes her being able to be awesome and probably ad lib any of her lines. cause she’s better than the script

The Dexter of Vampires

Moon: Can I mention the flashback of edward being the “Dexter of vampires??” Though i totally loved the look/feel of the scene and well it’s Rob, i could have totally done with someone else’s backstory AND is that even in the books???
Cause i just thought he ran away from carlisle to be a bad boy for a few yrs. never that he was off killing bad guys
UC: Umm.. i THINk he was.. but I don’t think she ever went into detail?
Moon: its like mel mel stole a line from her own tv show
UC: HAHA she got confused a second.
Moon: her assistant mixed in a page from one of her dexter scripts
UC: She was like… wait.. the Ice Truck killer is in this script? This must be Dexter
Moon: also did that hat Edward was wearing even fit?? Robert must have my problem: big head syndrome – its hard for people like us to look good in hats

Catherine Hardwicke, on Screen

Moon: Also can we talk about how charlie / billy burke knocks it out of the park EVERY damn time??? its like him and anna kendrick in a battle for the 6th man award of the twilight cast
UC: YES. and win. Tied . Every year
Moon: put them in coach!!! EVERY TIME. i mean the misty eyes and the joke about Renee being old
UC: Yessss
Moon: and “don’t let me fall, dad…” “never” DIE. DEAD
UC: What a perfect mustached ma

Got a notice from the neighbors about needing to wear more clothes...

Moon: wait, first can we go back to renee and her slutty shorts???
UC: Yes- and how she FOUND OUT about the wedding from an invite?
Moon: is that for REAL???

UC: also…. do you feel like she is Catherine Hardwicke on Screen? Cuz i do
Moon: YES! I mean the Cullen’s didn’t even call her mom? or as renee’s too busy cutting the legs off her old denim bell bottoms to pick up??
UC: she lost her cell phone again. she’s no longer “Texting” She was with Cathy the Cougar at Happy Hour. Every day. And night. And morning actually. Loves mimosas
Moon: oh 100% renee is the embodiment of Cathi: the beach house in venice, the straw cowboy hat… all she’s missing is a drum circle in her front yard
UC: Gift idea for the Edward Cullen Family to give Grandma!!
Moon: some damn clothes — and a new djembe drum
UC: or maybe a framed picture of the first time Renesmee read her mind. Which was the last time Edward allowed it, since Renee was thinking about Phil without his baseball uniform on.

Moon gets WAY confused

Moon: OK i have a question since i’ve read BD the least
UC: Okay
Moon: in the book didnt renee and phil have a kid and bring him to the wedding???
UC: whattt?? really?? they have a baby???? Maybe?? worst fans of the year right here?
Moon: or am i confusing breaking dawn with the princess diaries??? [ Long pause] yea it’s defs the princess diaries. cause renee and anne hathaway’s mom are essentially the same person to me.
UC: hahahahahahhaha. did you google it?
Moon: WHOOPS had a rick perry moment there
UC:you’re right. that’s totally princess diaries
Moon: so yea renee and phil DO NOT have a child and bring him to bell and Edward’s wedding in Genovia. Where bella’s gran, julie andrews, is the queen. YEA that DID NOT happen
UC: they do sing songs at the bachelorette party though, right? And slide down the stairs? rose, Alice & Bella?
Moon: oh they def do some stair surfing with mattresses from their beds. with raven simone
UC: That’s SO Raven!
Moon: Bella kinda IS Mia Thermopolis minus the brows and the whole royal blood thing
UC: hahaha.. please tell me you just read her name and didn’t remember it
Moon: Oh No… I remember it..
UC: I’m so proud. Our very own “Princess Diaries Dork of the Day” right here…

The virgin tux

Moon: ANYWAYYYY back to the wedding which was like the BEST EVER!!! So in bella’s dream about the wedding…i like the subtle nod to edward’s virginity with his all white tux… which no man has ever looked good in. Its like welcome to 1981!!!
UC: A virgin in 1981. So hot
Moon: he was only missing a mullet
UC: And the dress… I mean… it’s like they WANTED us to freak out & think WTF IS THIS DISASTER, and then wow us with the amazing REAL thing
Moon: it was nice but it was too modern/david’s bridal… i mean ALFRED ANGELO/mall type dress. Too generic for Bella’s dress
UC: they wanted people to ALMOST walk out
Moon: i like that it was strapless because it made bella look like she was walking down the aisle naked for a few secs. like those awful dreams here you show up to class naked
UC: i know. I liked that. Because for a hot second I thought we might see Edward Naked. Then I thought for another hot second about what a cold, white penis might look like. And got scared
Moon: instead we see them on a pile of bodies. AMAZING
UC: And then I was glad it was a dream sequence. Didn’t want to be more scared than I am of normal penises. Also I just made it seem like I only like Black penises, which is true
Moon: i wanted them on top of the bodies to be their cake topper, thats what it made me think of
UC: I thought black penises. you thought cakes
Moon: i’m purer than you
UC: so much purer. White tux purer
Moon: ok so besides the replica bella’s dress, they should sell the bella and edward bride and groom on top of dead bodies as a cake topper in stores. SYNERGY! Are you listening marketing dept??? i know you are.
UC: of course they are. or at least the company that made that vampire dildo is. Still waiting for our commission checks on that one!!
Moon: Srsly. we’e talked about the VAMP enough. I hope they at least sent one to rob. great white elephant regift for him– and make everyone think they modeled it after his REAL… thing

Less Penises, after the jump! Continue…

110 Commented