We’re back: We just HAD to comment on this Twilight news

Hey guys! Remember us? YOU BETTER.

Well, we’re back with some REAL QUICK thoughts over on That’s Normal about the BIG 2014 TWILIGHT NEWS. Oh you don’t know what we’re talking about? Nikki Reed and Paul McDonald are getting divorced you guys.

CUE STRING VERSION OF THEIR BREAKING DAWN PART TWO DUET.

no really, We cue it, embed it & so much more over on That’s Normal today. So you need to read.

We miss you guys like, WHOA. It was fun to be “UC and Moon” again for a hot minute.

What have YOU been up to!?

#TwilightForever You guys

Love,
UC and Moon

UC and Moon are Back for a Real Quick Minute >>

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Breaking down the New Breaking Dawn Stills Vanity-Fair style

Dear Breaking Dawn Part 2,

Sometimes you have NO news and we’re like “ummmm what are we gonna post about” and then you have way too much news and we’re like “ummmm let’s break down a couple pictures vanity fair style” which is exactly what we did

Breaking Down the New Breaking Dawn Part 2 Pictures Vanity Fair Style

UC: awww… i just got a warm fuzzy for Bella & Edward. i want to read twilight #1 again. before the end. THE twilight

Moon: no fuzzies for me:  she looks a bit annoyed. WE SHOULD! Let’s Re-read!

UC: okay! And Yeah.. she does look annoyed. maybe sex is “meh” as a vampire? it’s better as a human?

UC: or maybe she’s just gassy and he’s really trying to get her in the mood

Moon: he’s not wearing the oatmeal sweater she likes

UC: its the only thing that turns her on anymore… so tired after long days chasing deer & a child… keeping chris hansen at bay away from Jake…. she usually likes to turn in right at 9. but when he puts on that cutoff white button down (growl sound)

Moon: she tries to fake like shes asleep. but when that sleeveless button down is on…. it’s on

 

Moon: dear father… we ask that this evening will be fruitful. that we’ll kill all opposing vampire theats

UC: That I don’t get a knot in my long lucious locks

Moon: we ask that there be a vidal sassoon saloon with 3 open appts on the way to the airport

UC: and that you continue to bless me every day as you already have by providing me with a girlfriend MUCH hotter than myself

Moon: and that everyone will stop yelling FABIO any time we go out

UC: who banged Ryan Gosling first

Moon: also please enhance my “performance” i mean he IS the gosling, i have a lot to live up to

UC: And thank you for letting me call her “Beller” as it’s mighty fun

Moon: amen

UC: WHAT is behind them? statues?  darth vader?

Moon:  darth vadar and a replica of kellan pantless. Oh and God

 

Moon: this is the exact same position the paparazzo was in when he caught me in the mini cooper.

UC: hahahahah


UC: this photo is just odd:

#1 those look like the boots I wore like 10 yaers ago so it looks dated

#2 her hair looks like mine when I go to Florida

#3 I want that closet

#4 I’d take that vampire husband

#5 are they living in Martha’s Vinyard?

#6 Or maybe Martha Stewart styled their closet?

Moon: probs. i bet shes pissed martha dumped the grody sneakers

UC: #7 do we think Edward GIFTED her this closet? B/c Bella was probably like “ummmm what am I going to do with this place?”

Moon: totes GIFTED

UC: I have no idea what grody sneakers are. but I bet they’re funny. I forget: Does Vamp Bella start to like fashion?

Moon: beller is super underwhelmed and edward is laughing his ass off

UC: or is that just an Alice Cullen fantasy? Also REMEMBER THAT ALICE IS BARELY IN BD PART 2? I’m sad

Moon: alice buys her all the stuff

UC: That made me so sad in the book

Moon: i know super sad especially for white yorkie. but lets hope he didn’t FINALLY sign up for email alerts when we post so he doesnt see this and not go with us

UC: hahaha i think he already bought his ticket. Phew. we’re safe

Moon: whew

Moon: multiple options here: is this rock ONLY 3 carats? is this what my skin looks like after i take a shower?

UC: I have nothing to say here. NEXT

Moon: what are they fighting over. GO: that she can sing better than nikki reed?, whether or not her and rob will pose tgether on the red carpet

UC: That that girl from 90210 was actually only really eating a bannana that one time; Taylor’s sexuality; Kellan’s sexuality

UC: If ROBSTEN is unbroken or not

Moon: rob is whispering “broken”

UC: if Kellan got those muscles naturally

Moon: who gets to go out with rob later; whether her hair is real or weave; whether HIS hair is real or weave/plugs

Moon: he’s going bald, right??

UC: Whether or not he can actually afford a Lamborghini lease (yes i think so); Who has to talk to Jackson’s girlfriend

Moon: HAHAHAA. the best…speaking of….

Moon: REALLY, is this the BEST photo they could get??!!!

UC: Jackson hasn’t had much sleep. give him a break

Moon: i mean i know Jackson looks like a slow catfish these days, but really?? mid-blink?

UC: plus his pocket chain is making him think it’s the early 90s. and he’s confused

Moon: also the wallet chain??? 100% jackson

UC: WHY IS ALICE THE WORST DRESSER??

Moon: dude thats the craziest part!!!

UC: and are you noticing what I’m noticing? I THINK JACKSON’S HAIR IS REAL

Moon: shes supposed to be a fashionista and she looks like a kindergarten teacher in most of the movies

UC: they have BILLIONS of dollars and they put her in the rejects from gap 3 years ago

Moon: i can forgive ALL of this is jackson’s hair is REAL. NEXT

Moon: this deserves ltt christmas card photoshopping

UC: Yes it does. Very much. I’m excited for December because of this pic. I’ll also add a creeping Chris Hansen in the background… b/c.. I mean

Moon: also we’ve talked about how that jacket IS robs, right??

UC: is this Renesmee’s first day of kindergarten? When she’s 2 weeks old right? And NO we haven’t but it is..also Taylor looks cute SIDENOTE: ALSO Gill Birmingham (aka bill black) is in the worst show of the fall: Vegas. And Mr. Choice said “Look! His legs are healed!” also Bella looks so… twilight mom here. is she wearing a banana clip?

Moon: oh mr choice. OMG poor bella. it was a quick trip was cool high schooler to harried mom

UC: haha

Moon: that updo

Moon: this proves sue and charlie are doing the nasty right???

UC: yes. It also proves that Sue dresses cooler than Bella

Moon: right?!

UC: I wonder if Charlie is thinking about the Revolution here. and wondering when the lights are going to go out. I am

Moon: and charlie dresses cooler than edward

UC: this is cute.. i bet Charlie grandpa scenes will be cute

Moon: he’s definitely worried if jd pardo/nahuel is gonna try to slice his neck open or bow and arrow him from the nearby woods

UC: i think Charlie actually steals the scenes.. all of them. event he ones he’s not in. Twilight should be renamed Charlie Swan.

Moon: he does. charlie swan, the scene stealer. since the beginning: 2008

It’s true. Charlie Swan might be the best thing about Twilight.

Love,
UC & Moon

26 Commented


Breaking Down Breaking Dawn Vanity Fair Style

Reminder note: There are THREE auto-playing video ads- two in the side, one ALL the way below. Hit the volume button ONCE & it should mute them for eternity. 

Dear Breaking Dawn,

It’s been TWO WEEKS since you came out to the public & we’ve sighed with you, cried with you, fell in love with you, been jealous of your immense wealth and now… well, it’s time to laugh at you. No, this isn’t a Break Down of the entire movie.. we do have lives, but it is a break down of some of our most favorite parts! Someone give Billy Burke & Anna Kendrick an Oscar already!

Watch out! Anna is about to kill it

UC: Moon. It’s been two weeks. And I gotta be honest.. we were in a “Breaking Dawn was SO GOOD (as compared to the other movies” haze for awhile there…. How are you feeling? I mean how are WE feeling, since we’re the same person usually except you have better hair? And I love cats more
Moon: HA. my one quality. Its been a week and some change, I’ve seen it 3 times and I gotta say I’m still feeling good about it
UC: Me too
Moon: it’s held up every time and each time I found something different to like… and also some things that made me go HUH?! cause it wouldn’t be a twilight movie without a few things we laughed at
UC: it would be SAD if we didn’t laugh I’d quit probably!!! Hear that movie makers (aka Stephenie & Wyck who we like to think loves us)??? Don’t make BD Part 2 too good
UC: I mean… I feel good enough that I’ve kinda been defensive (in my head- never out loud. I keep that baby tucked inside) when I hear criticism
Moon: oh i defs get defensive but i think it’s just because all the years of keeping it in wore off
UC: did you go ape shit on some 12 year olds who were complaining Jacob didn’t get enough screen time?
Moon: right, Steph & Wyck: PLEASE make sure to include some easter eggs for us. Some laughs. Some jessica stanley goodness too
UC: SERIOUSLY… a dream sequence or something… i dunno how else she’ll be in it
Moon: cant EVER let a movie go by without anna kendrick KILLING IT
UC: make Bella DEF run into a tree her first time running around. The Spider Monkey tree- FULL CIRCLE Y’ALL
Moon: jessica could be a Volturi wife. i don’t care
UC: Speaking of that.. Guaranteed Anna’s contract has a stipulation that says “okay- she’ll do this film BUT only if you let her Kill it AT LEAST ONCE. But probably more like 3 times”
Moon: and lauren mallory could be the other. she’s never been in any other twi film, but why not whip her out for the last one??
Moon: Anna’s contract includes her being able to be awesome and probably ad lib any of her lines. cause she’s better than the script

The Dexter of Vampires

Moon: Can I mention the flashback of edward being the “Dexter of vampires??” Though i totally loved the look/feel of the scene and well it’s Rob, i could have totally done with someone else’s backstory AND is that even in the books???
Cause i just thought he ran away from carlisle to be a bad boy for a few yrs. never that he was off killing bad guys
UC: Umm.. i THINk he was.. but I don’t think she ever went into detail?
Moon: its like mel mel stole a line from her own tv show
UC: HAHA she got confused a second.
Moon: her assistant mixed in a page from one of her dexter scripts
UC: She was like… wait.. the Ice Truck killer is in this script? This must be Dexter
Moon: also did that hat Edward was wearing even fit?? Robert must have my problem: big head syndrome – its hard for people like us to look good in hats

Catherine Hardwicke, on Screen

Moon: Also can we talk about how charlie / billy burke knocks it out of the park EVERY damn time??? its like him and anna kendrick in a battle for the 6th man award of the twilight cast
UC: YES. and win. Tied . Every year
Moon: put them in coach!!! EVERY TIME. i mean the misty eyes and the joke about Renee being old
UC: Yessss
Moon: and “don’t let me fall, dad…” “never” DIE. DEAD
UC: What a perfect mustached ma

Got a notice from the neighbors about needing to wear more clothes...

Moon: wait, first can we go back to renee and her slutty shorts???
UC: Yes- and how she FOUND OUT about the wedding from an invite?
Moon: is that for REAL???

UC: also…. do you feel like she is Catherine Hardwicke on Screen? Cuz i do
Moon: YES! I mean the Cullen’s didn’t even call her mom? or as renee’s too busy cutting the legs off her old denim bell bottoms to pick up??
UC: she lost her cell phone again. she’s no longer “Texting” She was with Cathy the Cougar at Happy Hour. Every day. And night. And morning actually. Loves mimosas
Moon: oh 100% renee is the embodiment of Cathi: the beach house in venice, the straw cowboy hat… all she’s missing is a drum circle in her front yard
UC: Gift idea for the Edward Cullen Family to give Grandma!!
Moon: some damn clothes — and a new djembe drum
UC: or maybe a framed picture of the first time Renesmee read her mind. Which was the last time Edward allowed it, since Renee was thinking about Phil without his baseball uniform on.

Moon gets WAY confused

Moon: OK i have a question since i’ve read BD the least
UC: Okay
Moon: in the book didnt renee and phil have a kid and bring him to the wedding???
UC: whattt?? really?? they have a baby???? Maybe?? worst fans of the year right here?
Moon: or am i confusing breaking dawn with the princess diaries??? [ Long pause] yea it’s defs the princess diaries. cause renee and anne hathaway’s mom are essentially the same person to me.
UC: hahahahahahhaha. did you google it?
Moon: WHOOPS had a rick perry moment there
UC:you’re right. that’s totally princess diaries
Moon: so yea renee and phil DO NOT have a child and bring him to bell and Edward’s wedding in Genovia. Where bella’s gran, julie andrews, is the queen. YEA that DID NOT happen
UC: they do sing songs at the bachelorette party though, right? And slide down the stairs? rose, Alice & Bella?
Moon: oh they def do some stair surfing with mattresses from their beds. with raven simone
UC: That’s SO Raven!
Moon: Bella kinda IS Mia Thermopolis minus the brows and the whole royal blood thing
UC: hahaha.. please tell me you just read her name and didn’t remember it
Moon: Oh No… I remember it..
UC: I’m so proud. Our very own “Princess Diaries Dork of the Day” right here…

The virgin tux

Moon: ANYWAYYYY back to the wedding which was like the BEST EVER!!! So in bella’s dream about the wedding…i like the subtle nod to edward’s virginity with his all white tux… which no man has ever looked good in. Its like welcome to 1981!!!
UC: A virgin in 1981. So hot
Moon: he was only missing a mullet
UC: And the dress… I mean… it’s like they WANTED us to freak out & think WTF IS THIS DISASTER, and then wow us with the amazing REAL thing
Moon: it was nice but it was too modern/david’s bridal… i mean ALFRED ANGELO/mall type dress. Too generic for Bella’s dress
UC: they wanted people to ALMOST walk out
Moon: i like that it was strapless because it made bella look like she was walking down the aisle naked for a few secs. like those awful dreams here you show up to class naked
UC: i know. I liked that. Because for a hot second I thought we might see Edward Naked. Then I thought for another hot second about what a cold, white penis might look like. And got scared
Moon: instead we see them on a pile of bodies. AMAZING
UC: And then I was glad it was a dream sequence. Didn’t want to be more scared than I am of normal penises. Also I just made it seem like I only like Black penises, which is true
Moon: i wanted them on top of the bodies to be their cake topper, thats what it made me think of
UC: I thought black penises. you thought cakes
Moon: i’m purer than you
UC: so much purer. White tux purer
Moon: ok so besides the replica bella’s dress, they should sell the bella and edward bride and groom on top of dead bodies as a cake topper in stores. SYNERGY! Are you listening marketing dept??? i know you are.
UC: of course they are. or at least the company that made that vampire dildo is. Still waiting for our commission checks on that one!!
Moon: Srsly. we’e talked about the VAMP enough. I hope they at least sent one to rob. great white elephant regift for him– and make everyone think they modeled it after his REAL… thing

Less Penises, after the jump! Continue…

110 Commented


Breaking It Down: It’s so obvious! Marsten, Nachos and English men

Man Up with Kristen Stewart...

Dear Kristen,

We just read your GQ article… yea, we were around when it came out a few days ago but it was simply too late to read and break down cause these things take forever. You understand. So of course after this thing trended (srsly?!) we knew we needed to break it down. So here we are…

Also, we feel it necessary to tell you and everyone else we were in the middle of a convo on Obama reelection chances, Mitt Romney and Rick Perry. Cause we care about stuff… then this convo happened…

The One where they still don’t get it but she looks good

I'm going to fwd her the groupon for laser hair removal

UC: we gotta break down Kstew right?
Moon: yea i was just about to say we need to do that…  i need to read it
Moon: im trying to find a link to this crap
UC: go to i-want-to-marry-k-stew.com or something
Moon: How about  Fierce Bitch Stew?
Moon: yes lets read and then talk
UC: okay godspeed
Moon: srsly
Moon: woah… this shit is long
UC: ugh good opener…like.. well written! ciao bella
omg the description of the mexican place… really? “each beer comes with a basket of salty chips & salsa” ugh. it’s a mexcian restaurant
UC: there’s that prepubescent line again- do they do NO research? the majority of twilight fans are NOT teeny bopper girls!  those girls were 7 when the books came out!
Moon: No, because by doing research and they’d be forced to realize we’re not all little kids and then they’d be forced to consider that maybe this thing it’s not  so bad/childish/dumb and they’d have to rethink their preconceived notions they’ve been fed by the cynical media.
Moon: Sorry, that was a mouthful.
UC: i like the photoshoot a lot.. i think it’s one of her best
Moon: yea she does look great!! I want those suits she’s wearing. .. and dude this person is a super krisbian
UC: the author?
Moon: yes, seems that way

Ohhh heeeey... maybe he's english?!

UC: i like how she knows her bodyguard was named HBG…
i feel like it’s a male author, but i have no idea.. probably not.. but i’m reading it like it is
Moon: yea i think its a gay guy… ok back to reading cause i dont know about HBG
UC: oh haha
Moon: whats that mean?
UC: hottie bodyguard… i dind’t know either but i’ve seen it
Moon: i thought they called him agent security blanket. shows how much we know of the krisbian world
UC: i just realized this is the UK version of glamour & that’s why there are misspellings!! i was like “man.. editor missed a bunch”
UC: “Twilight is catnip for those young innocent girls” … out of all the young innocent girls i know who have read it- and i know many- no one has latched on to it like we have or our friends. even KRISTEN doesn’t get it. i feel even MORE alone.. as an adult…
Moon: ks doesnt even get it but I guess that’s like a lot of people who just don’t have that personality type to really get INTO something or enjoy it without caring so much what everyone thinks.
UC: that’s what I was saying!!!  young girls have short attention spans.. they will freak out when the movie comes out again, but they (few) care in between
Moon: “They asked me to do silly things, and I wasn’t a silly kid.” imagine that

Follow the cut for MORE an Nachos!
Continue…

166 Commented


Breaking Down the Breaking Dawn Trailer! Rageward, Breeds and Awkwardness!

Dear Breaking Dawn and Bill Condon and Stephenie and LTT-ers,

OMG!!! I just got so excited, apparently it took a well timed and well cut trailer to get me back in this game but I’m here baby and we’re ready to break this Breaking Dawn trailer down!

So put me in coach and LET’S DO THIS! (sorry,wrong movie)…

The One Where They Can NEVER Get It Right…
Moon
: myelloooo runaways and eclipse are on tv right no. fyi
UC: orgasm. kristen gasm
Moon: oh nakey jakey….. ok anyway! so lets do this
UC: okay LET’s and i’m druhnk like runk! so sorry in advnace
Moon: ok go… AH it goes so quick in the beginning!
UC: is it suposed to sound like crap ? and just be FLASHES of images?
Moon: fun note/trivia: there is ALWAYS a beach/water in the opening shot
UC: ALWAYS

We look awful!

Moon: ok freeze it at :11 we HAVE to talk about carlisle’s awful hair. i mean WTF is going on?
UC: it’s falling out” early on-set vampire baldness?
Moon: even the ice truck killer behind him wants to kill that wig
UC: it’s fake HAHAHAHAH forgot about him
Moon: its like HOW do they ef up the hair EVERY TIME???!!! EVERY.TIME.
UC: EVERY TIME. the wig people must be OLD
Moon: like im pretty sure jasper has had diff hair color and style EVERY time
UC: yeah- NOT consistent with the book
Moon: alice looks like a soccer mom with a van
UC: hahahahahahhaahahaahah and Emmett looks like a Ken doll. Rosalie looks… the best! & Esme looks the same
Moon: i mean its supposed to be short and spikey not “i just cut orange slices for the soccer game” short

Bella: "FML!"

UC: and then there are the playboy bunnies behind them. Where’s Hef?
Moon: aawwwwwww, the girls next door showed up for the big day! aka the bitch edward ran off to in midnight sun
UC: Are they the denalis?
UC: They’re hot
Moon: yea the girls next door are the denali’s
UC: no wonder Bella was jealous
Moon: for realzzzzzz. thats like miss january, feburary and march coming to your wedding

I feel ill....

The One Where Cedric Got The Flu
UC: Are the girls, Alice, Rosealie and Esme not IN the wedding?
UC: I don’t know how I feel about this.. did that not happen in the book?
Moon: i guess not… i read it once, remember?
UC: haha okay

Moon: ok so we can see sleeves on the dress
UC: Besides looking like she stayed up for an all-nighter learning her “better for worse” lines.. Kristen looks GORGEOUS. Rob… ugh….
Moon: right kristen looks great. rob looks like cedric. the hair is SO awful
UC: Cedric with the flu. SO awful
Moon: like i said on twitter a few days ago HOW in the world do you make rob look bad??!! its like a summitt super power or something
UC: Yeah they are the ONLY ones. them at that photographer who shot Rob as a

I've still got that Snapple Cap

pre-teen in his boxers. they are the only ones
Moon: if they wanted him to look gross they could have just let him wear what he wore to set that day, or whatever he’s currently wearing in london RIGHT NOW
UC:
exactly
Moon:“as long as we both shall live” HALF SMILE. the edwad half smile!!! finally some stuff from the books
UC: FINALL Y. they remember we liked those first

Follow the jump because things get awkward, weird, inappropriate and everything else you’d expect from us
Continue…

184 Commented


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