Bella gets an Ann Taylor credit card, Edward loves the microwave & Jacob has Moobs

Dear Breaking Dawn,

We saw this:


and just couldn’t remain silent:

The one where they’ve given up:

UC: I haven’t had feelings about a poster this strongly since the last time we broke one down where slutty “Wal-mart Cami” Bella came into our lives. I miss those days… She looks so… grown up here. This is Ann Taylor Bella. And I don’t mean Ann Taylor Loft- that’s too hip… I mean old school, business suit Ann Taylor
Moon: And she has the old lady bouffant hair to prove it- and shes made the transition into old married lady too. only wearing her wedding band and not that the “cheese grater” ring as one of our readers calls it
UC: right. She’s given up- clearly.. Old & married.. time to just do whatever with her hair and… did her breasts grow? Did she put on the “I got married and gained 15 pounds” look?
Moon: its all the “Italiano” the Cullens are cooking her, and because she’s PREGGO. DUH! eating cartons of eggs in a single sitting will do that. and i bet blood is high calories too
UC: that’s true…. it probably is, but seriously… can we agree that whoever styles these “official” photoshoots is the worst ever? think it’s the neice of some summit exec.. and that’s why she hasn’t been fired after all these years?
Moon: yes i whole heartedly agree who ever is styling these is crazy and / or blind.
And since we’re on the subject of old marrieds…. can we say that Rob has also given up? He has a pot belly. Look what shes holding on to! when did Edward cullen get a lil extra cushion in the front???
UC: He was sneaking eggs too maybe on Isle Esme, or maybe Jake gave him what Edward thought were “roids” but instead were just protein bars full of fat & sodium. Taylor’s getting more jacked while Edward fattens up. He wants Bella to stray…. well, until he notices her new wardrobe & huge new hair
Moon: he pulled the ol’ swedish nutrition bars trick from Mean Girls on Edward. He’s gonna send Edward valentines carnations and make Bella wonder what going on. then she comes to the reservation and leaves Edward for Jacob
UC: yep. Does it look like Bella & Edward hit up the same salon in Rio? Got the same exact hair color?
Moon: Yes, the hair color they asked for is “Jacob’s benetint lip stain red” It seriously all matches
UC: haha or some intern went a little crazy with photoshop. again- another neice of a Summit exec

The one where we reminisce Eddie

Eddie CullenUC: you know what I miss in this image though? Eddie. Remember him? Couldn’t they have photoshopped Eddie here? I mean, I guess it doesn’t make sense with the story….
Moon: HAHAHAA . where’s Eddie’s van?
UC: OH- they could’ve shopped Nessie- creepy Nessie with an expression that says something like “watch out bitches. Don’t hug each other’s love handles too tight. I’m gonna to ruin it all soon enough”this is such a great post
Moon: HAHA

Moon: Solomon Trimble gave her some of his hot oil treatments
Calliope: so true. right before he got shipped off to a different tribe because he wasn’t studly enough.”
HAHAHA

UC: hahahah. Poor Solomon. and also true:

Calliope: I think imaginary/controlling/crazy mind of Bella- Edward shall be called Eddie. Because Edward wouldn’t haunt your thoughts. But a dude named Eddie- definitely would”

hahaha… UGH.. i miss when it was fun like this!!! DEAR SUMMIT & TWILIGHT : RED HAIR is LESS FUN than EDDIE

UC: Eddie is in the dark corners of your room- under your bed
Moon: Eddie’s the guy who comes up when you search convicted fellons/rapists in your neighborhood on the internet”

Eddie Cullen Van

Click for lols

UC: Look how fun all this was! Eddie might have creeped in your room when you were sleeping and peeked in on you in the shower, but at least he was FUN. ANN TAYLOR is not fun!

UC: Eddie drives a van
Moon: with no windows. Eddie’s the guy who rips tags off sofa cushions”

Moon: married chubby Edward is not fun
UC: I’ll take cigarette burns for “Fun” with Eddie over Edward’s married flub anyday
Moon: Jacob has some serious MOOBS- man boobs
UC: he DOES. is he feeling the pregnancy along with Bella?

UC: [Look at Edward] All up in Jacob’s grill. Eddie likes to get behind moon. Likes it from Behind Moon
Moon: THATS WHAT I SAID
UC: Eddie changed the phrase to “That’s what Eddie said” cuz he’s a perv”

I LOVE US
Moon: HAHAHAAHAH!! Now Edward just likes it from the microwave or the drive through window
UC: hahhaha
Moon: he doesnt even know what behind is unless its behind a hungry man dinner
UC: or behind the couch- where sometimes the remote falls.. He’s too lazy to get it so he just buys another remote. he has a closet with like 35 remotes just in case
Moon: he doesn’t care about cars anymore, just remotes and when mcd’s is bringing back the mcrib again
UC: Breaking Dawn Edward was actually modeled after Big Daddy. they had to- it was written in Taylor’s contract

Thomas Kinkade for Twilight?

Moon: its also like this calendar is like three different pictures put together: old married Bella and Edward, Jacob on a box in his new lipstick and a thomas Kinkade painting as the backdrop
UC: Maybe they were thinking of the Twilight Moms for this one? Giving them something classy enough to blow up as an 18×20 and hang above their fireplace mantel for once?
Moon: and “16 months wall calendar” where else are you going to put it??? unless you’re like me and it would say “16 month CLOSET calendar” that will stay on the Rob/Edward picture for like 7 months
UC: I love my Twilight closest calendars. I have at least 3- it’s approximately July 2009, October 2010 & February 2011 right now in my closet
Moon: my Rob calendar is stuck on april because june is a particularly not great month- his mouth is half open. I pretend the months of bad pictures just don’t happen in my Rob calendar year. I’d also like to openly admit that this calendar is hanging next to my framed mini movie posters, one signed by David Slade and one from new moon, and there may or may not be a Jacob barbie doll!! MAN i feel better after saying that
UC: HA HA~!!!! is this a new display since you moved?
I don’t remember seeing this!!

Eddie is bothered

Moon: hopefully breaking dawn movie poster will give me something better than the thomas kinkade married couples picture
it’s in the closet, around the corner. you’d really have to step in there and take a look
UC: when i visit next, after the bathroom, it’s the first place I’ll go in your home. (I’m just anticipating I’ll have to pee. I know myself )
Moon:
I’d like to make an edit on the 3 pictures that made up this calendar… this is actually the headshot Jacob used for his audition for rupaul’s drag race- showing off his mad lipstick and make up game along with his ability to create fantastic man boobs
UC:
DUDE…. Edward looks like Jimmy Fallon there… Edward is bothered!
Moon: SNACKLISH! HUNGERECTOMY! Pumpkins are just dumb fat squashes!!!
UC: Eddie is bothered! He wants his van in this poster!

I feel like such an old man reminiscing about the good ol’ days as much as I do lately, but couldn’t we get a little more for the first really official still from this movie? They better make it up to us!!!

Love,
UnintendedChoice and theMoonisDown

What do you think? Edward looking a little flubby here? Is Bella’s wig the WORST (well, no.. not the worst) How many ‘roids do you think Jacob takes a day (and by Jacob I, of course, mean the real-life person Taylor)

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

151 Commented


Breaking Down the Breaking Dawn Trailer

Dear Breaking Dawn,

Well THIS came out last night. And before the official reveal it leaked & Moon & I got a chance to break it down, vanity fair style:

Outside of the US- this worked last I checked: Trailer on You Tube

Beller Getting Married

UC: okay wanna start talking where the commercial for Louboutins starts?
so that first scene – Aro is getting the news that a baby was made- NOT an invite, right??
Moon: they’re not stupid they want a big gift- those volturi have lots of money. you KNOW they sent along a “registered at bed bath and beyond card” in their invite
UC: and also “babies R Us” “just in case”
or do you think Bella really wanted Aro to give her away” “Who gives this woman to be wed to this man” Aro: “Her mother & I give BELLER away”
Moon: BELLER is getting married
UC: BELLER getting married!
Moon: BELLER is engaged!
UC: BELLER is PREGGERS!
Moon: So excited for beller
UC: haha

All by Myself

He's gonna need another beer for this news

Moon: dude poor ol charlie
UC: Seriously- Alone AGAIN… Singing “All BY MYSELF!”
oon: love the vitamin r next to him. its like you might wanna sit down for this one. AND you’re gonna need some alchy
UC: I mean- he’ll be a gramps soon- and in the dark as to why his granddaughter grows a weeks worth every few hours,

I'm gonna be a grandma!! I need to find shorter shorts!

Moon: Charlie is missing harry. harry would have seen right through these shenanigans
UC: Then we get Renee- looking her trashy florida self in her jorts. too short for a woman her age… about to become a grandma
Moon: i think renee and cathi hardi were pals in another life. they had bunco nights and girls night at fridays- this scene was actually shot at cathi’s venice beach house

Don’t you DARE use paper that hasn’t been recycled

Moon: so do we think jake is mad they used card stock instead of vellum for the invite? or that they didn’t opt for the recycled ones?

how COULD they kill a tree for their wedding?

UC: yep- SO mad…. it deserved a shirt rip off
Moon: totally. “I’m SO mad they didn’t use the english “honour” instead of “honor” that i must rip this shirt off and go instruct them on proper spelling for invites” Also can i just say the invite is a little plain
UC: right..where was Alice? was there a sale at Barneys the day these were ordered?
Moon: this is alice we’re talking. I’m expecting something at least on the level of the bridal shower invite in Bridesmaids
UC: Target’s card section has better invite templates
Moon: i want to see a butterfly released when i open the Beller and edward wedding invite AT LEAST
UC: AT LEAST- wolf-shaped confetti- just to stick it to him a little (Edward’s idea)
Moon: i could have printed something better from from the microsoft publishing templates section. “You are cordially invited….” to spend your own money seeing this movie 58 times. Love, Summit Entertainment
UC: SO nice of them
Moon: you are cordially invited to… sleep outside for a week on a sidewalk in los angeles to catch a glimpse of mike welches hair at the premioere of this movie

UC: and i love how Billy is about to roll out of control- in the rain, off the ramp… face dive into the mud
Moon: I’m just glad billy is getting some air time, butI wish they gave him a guitar before he inevitably eats it in the mud
UC: maybe he’ll sing at the wedding. one can hope or at least at Charlie & Sue Clearwater’s wedding
Moon: the sabers and cougars can only hope
UC: which I hope is the premise of the inevitable SIXTH twilight movie a year or so after the last one comes out. No one else will have to be in it- they’ll all be out of contract
Moon: summit BETTER give us the love story of sue and charlie
UC: so they’ll have to bring Solomon Trimble back…
Moon: directed of course by Cathi with a screenplay written based on her sue and charlie fanfic
UC: yeah and she’ll cameo as a friend of Sue’s
Moon: “love ain’t nothing but a number or age or whaterer”

Cedric Diggory Getting Married

Try to pretend this doesn't look just like Cedric

Moon: omg Cedric diggory is gettting married
UC: hahaha YES hHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
UC: i love it…… CEDRIC DIGGORY getting married TOTALLY
Moon: can we love on Wyck and steph on the brides side of the wedding???!!!
i guess they’re more family of beller than cederic diggory. maybe jk rolling’s on cedric’s side
UC: well, Steph IS the original beller
Moon: seth’s behind wyck and steph. tells him where he stands! who’s the dude on cedric’s side in the blue hoodie? Didn’t get the memo about this being a wedding??
Moon: do you think mr Molina (mr. banner) was invited? i mean he should be credited with setting them up. he made them lab partners.
UC: I hope so
Moon: maybe he gets to make a toast….
UC: He SAW the ‘jizz in my pants” face in person
Moon: something about going from the golden onion to a golden wedding band
UC: that would be beautiful. Here’s hoping
Moon: after the jizz in the pants face he KNEW it was something special
UC: it wasn’t your typical ‘jizz in your pants” face that his 16 year old students normally make!

Eat your heart out boys

UC: so Beller looks HOT- I mean beautiful or whatever a bride should be. I think they might have fake lashes on her- very pretty look for a blushing virgin bride
Moon: oh dude do they not show the dress???!!!
UC: ohh they don’t!
Moon: gotta wait for the big reveal in the theaters???
UC: yes- they should…. i mean.. unless we’re gonna laugh or .. maybe ESPECIALLY if we’re gonna laugh. We need something to laugh at .. always!
Moon: i really hope it’s old timey and NO spoilers people who saw the leaked pics!
Moon: also who’s the pastor?
UC: i dunno! have they been going to church all this time?
Moon: i thought emmett would get ordained online by the universal church and marry them. FAIL
UC: that would have been so special. missed opportunity
Moon: tell a bad sex joke before the vows

Moon: I love that in the Rio scene Beller and edward and standing still while everyone is dancing in the street
cause we KNOW rob and kstew have zero rhythm
Moon: and robsteners PLEASE don’t comment about their rhythm in the bedroom. GROSS
UC: duh #robstendreams
Moon: oh dang theres a shot of them getting it on by a waterfall
Moon: omg I’m totally not ashamed to say i went back to the headboard part & re-watched it. i mean come on
UC: it’s so hard core.. i mean… the sound- was kinda like when the curtain tore.. in the temple.. that might be sacrilegious to say.. but it kinda had a religious look to it… on my first look:

Try to tell me this wasn't in the Bible

Moon: it definitely did. the shit hits the fan. LITERALLY- like this headboard is hitting the fan and the curtains
UC: his back- the muscles.. i felt like… it was Biblical… Samson or something is that weird?
Moon: no
UC: kinda weird…. but.. no seriously–
Moon: bella is defs a Delilah
UC: we’re getting all spiritual up in here. Okay i just watched the Biblical Samson scene again.. .kinda dramatic..
Moon: yea I’m pretty sure thats thunder
UC: i mean.. yes… it’s important… it’s 2nd best to the leg hitch (i’m all about the simple things) but that was a LITTLE over the top
Moon: and the folks at planned parenthood are crying the exact millisecond rensemee was conceived
UC: a bolt of lightening hit at the exact moment the sperm hit the egg
The Sun was hidden by the moon- There was an eclipse. And a thunder strike…and the folks at MTV excited- Bella can be the newest hero on Teen Mom
Moon: exactly. edward and bella season 3 of teen mom only without the trailer park and and kid with pink rubber glasses
UC: hopefully Renesmee doesn’t have those. time will tell.
UC: Back it up a bit- to FURTHER solidify my point above about the spirituality- they show that famous Rio statue….foreshadowing something- i dunno what…. but definitely comes full circle with the thunder bolt- breaking of the headboard- samson & Delilah religious scene
Moon: i just want to hear bill condons directing rob on tearing apart the headboard while the choir sings
UC: yes- The 100 Monkeys were on set that day providing the soundtrack to the love making and headboard breaking
Moon: it was actually jackson singing on set. he made up an impromptu song about losing your vcard to a vampire
UC: they made it a rap “break that board- break it good” inspired by a poem sent to him by a 100 monkeys fan the week before
Moon: everyone got really pissed after they had to listen to it 10 times in a row. the Brasilian crew revolted- even in a diff language 100 monkeys is horrible

I'm so fat

Moon: Do we even care that charlie bewley throws that girl across the room for no reason?
UC: NO! Let’s just go to the preggers part
Moon: I love that she touches her NON EXISTENT stomach
PLEASE GIRL
UC: yep… PuH LEESE. like.. at least eat a 1/2 bag of cheetos so we can SORTA believe it
Moon: thats more the buritto you ate in rio last night than it is a baby. Or she didn’t do enough street dancing at the fake carnivale to work it off
UC: right…. gotta get on top next time so you actually have to do something- that’ll disappear in no time
Moon: and edward looks like OH SHIT that cant be mine right???!! when did she have a quickie with newton in the stock room??!!
UC: he’s like “oh… i did read in “how to make love to a virginal human” that the sound of thunder would roar if my seed would implant… but I didn’t think that applied to me”
Moon: I mean if they don’t know for sure… if theres even a shadow of a doubt that they can conceive shouldn’t Carlilse be telling everyone to wrap that shit up?!! I mean COME ON!!!!!! it still baffles me
UC: RIGHT I mean… of all the things to baffle us… that probably doesn’t have to be #1 on the list .
Moon: its a mortal no-no for us to have a vampire baby but hey let’s see what happens
UC: like…. really renee? You just let your 18 year old daughter her married? that SHOULD worry us more…
Moon: They should roll a PSA after this about “safe sex”
UC: that would be awesome
Moon: and the mtv should have a commercial for a special season of teen mom since that’s basically how the trailer ends- Fade to Black- aka FADE TO NEW SEASON OF TEEN MOM starring Edward Cullen & Bella Swan.

And there you have it! We saw the trailer, We loved it, we fangirled & got excited for November 18th which STILL feels so far away!

What did you think!?

Love,
UnintendedChoice

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

237 Commented


Breaking it down: The Font and I talk Taylor, bare feet and DOWN THERE!

Dear Taylor,

Sometimes I end up talking to my guy friends about you and not because they want to but because I commandeer the conversation and we go there. I apologize in advance for talking about some sensitive subjects for both you, Jacob and whatever’s going on beneath the Jorts.

(suck it Chris Hanson!)

A first… breaking it down with me and The Font

Take this invite and shove it!

The one where I totally commandeer the convo
The Font: Moon
Moon: The Font…..
*lots of time passes*
Moon: i take it you saw the new jacob picture but you’re too shy to bring it up?? do you want me to start??
………………
Moon: ok… running barefoot?! wtf? am i right??? just because white bread vanilla snoozville bella and edward sent you an F You! wedding invite doesnt mean you need to risk a cold or worse yet needing a tetanus booster when you inevitably step on a nail from running without shoes.
Moon: you send them a F You! gift from their registry and by gift from their registry i mean a flaming bag of crap thrown onto the cullens front porch!!

What should really happen at Edward & Bella's wedding

Moon: or you streak the wedding, dump a bucket of blood on bella a la “carrie” then yell “they’re all vampires you idiots” at the crowd of dumbass townies who couldnt recognize a werewolf if it phased in front of them……
(it’s your turn to jump in…. anytime now….)
.

The one where he finally gives in and jumps in
The Font: i go get a hot pocket and come back, and this is what happens?!
The Font: why is he BAREFOOT? is that a werewolf thing? or he does not have the twenty seconds to put on shoes?
Moon: i guess when you’re a werewolf in love with a vampire’s girl, pithy things like footwear doesnt matter. if he gets hurt it heals within minutes anyway so i guess he thinks fuck it, try to kill me tetanus!!!

Not exactly the Sports Authority

The Font: still. just for COMFORT’S sake
Moon: well maybe he’s realized it’s not worth it to lose another pair of shoes, because he’ll just get more pissed off, phase and the shoes will shread to pieces anyway. it’s a shitty economy still. he’s being economical and im sure new running shoes arent exactly cheap at newtons outfitters. its not like sports authority. they gotta put mike through community college somehow.
.

The one where we discuss Jorts vs Stretchy Pants and modesty

Official uniform of the wolfpack and everyone in our neighborhood

The Font: aren’t there stretch shoes for these kinds of things? the hulk always has stretch pants
Moon: you’d think thatd be the way they’d go, but they like the denim jorts. hipster wolves?
The Font: let’s talk about THAT! if they have JEANS on, how are those not ripping? jeans are not exactly known for their give
Moon: ok, here it is… (twi nerd of the day award) they either take them off and stash them into the woods before the phase, or they shread off their bodies. thats pretty much how the explain it in the books and movies. in the books, apparently, they tie an extra pair of shorts or whatever around their legs, in the movies they stash them in the woods
The Font: so concerned with modesty, these wolves

Dude follow the cut, we talk about naked Jacob and SO much more after this
Continue…

121 Commented


Breaking it down: Lime green, helicopters and Twilight rick rolling

Dear LTT-ers,

Some pictures from the Breaking Dawn set of honeymoon reshoots in the Virgin (ahem) Islands this weekend have finally made their way onto the interwebs in all their lime green and water socked glory. We break it down…
.

The one where Walmart sells Krisbian brand bikinis
UC: new love making pictures
Moon: oh lawd
UC: so Bella would never wear a lime green bikini
Moon: i was thinking the same thing. i mean really? lime green?
UC: Alice must’ve run out of time… Ran to Walmart & grabbed something from last season when packing
Moon: right who wears lime green? and WTF is going on here:

UC: well in real life she’s supposed to look “naked” but in LTT life I like to think that Kristen is making a fashion statement
Moon: is the green bikini just taped on? like her boobs are so amazing clothes just cling to them, they have to be close to the queen at all times? so i guess we can safely say the green bikini is a krisbian brand
UC: hahaha i think that’s a safe guess
.

The one where we don’t comment but we do:
Moon: presented without comment (yet):

UC: exactly what i was thinking….. classing it up in St. Thomas what wahtttt!
Moon: right. playing the sweet virginal sad bella. smoke it up. i’m not trying to make a judgment call on smoking but come on. i have many friends who do and i will occasionally partake of a clove ciggie but i dont know….. its like tons of kids look up to you, you know. as much as you like it or not. and we know she doesnt like it
UC: it’s gross. I’ve done it. I still do sometimes when I’m drinking & am making stupid decisions and it’s gross. Note to kids: DON’T SMOKE JUST BECAUSE KSTEW DOES
Moon: bella and edward dont like it when you smoke, kids. it makes them cry * cue “the more you know” music *
.

The one where it’s actually Kristen

Moon: this is actually how i picture kristen… they should just sub out the lime green for the pot-kini. save that 20 bucks they spent at target and the wardrobe budget will now equals 56 dollars total
wig budget = free from the party city leftover bin after halloween going out of business sale
UC: hahahhahahahahaha. that’s a funny picture. please photoshop pot leaves onto that. maybe add a hat
.

The one where Rob is a tech nerd
Moon: in other news: rob is a super nerd and brings his ipad to the beach

Moon: i wonder if he has a team edward cover for it?
UC: I wonder if he has an LTT cover (Link- i think cafe press has them)! he has “Big in Japan”
Moon: cause he is… after a really big meal of ramen. gives you the bloat.
.

The one where we gas up the helicopter

Moon: do you think that dude behind him just saw the robsten-copter circling overhead?
UC: hahahahah Yes. With fans attaching their parachutes.. ready to jump. ON Rob
Moon: robsteners and the paps rented boats for s. america so maybe they upped their game for the Caribbean and took to the air? they just tell the pilot to circle while they throw out handfuls of glitter on the holy couple. “rainbows of love” as they call it
UC: The actually rip off pieces of a bear skin rug & use it as confetti showering it upon their heads
Moon: They have some poor PA scurry around the set snatching up the pieces to fashion into a full size one because you can’t waste bearskin AND they forgot their travel size for the trip.
.

I need a full table setting for 12


The one with the real royal couple
Moon: now that they’ve “outted themselves” (heh) they have to figure out a way to upstage the REAL royal couple, Kate and William’s wedding this weekend. do you think some kissing photo will just MAGICALLY leak saturday morning? just to remind the public who REALLY matters and to stop pulling attention away from the magicness
UC: I think there will be a pregnancy rumor… maybe a photo of Bella with child on the cover of a mag
Moon: or some “mysterious” twitter
.

Our lovely Stephanie on the BD set

The one where we finally figure it out:
Moon: do you think rob went crabbing after the shoot in his wet suit and water socks, or did he hit up the water slide?
*time passes*
Moon: OH MAN! i think i know why that bikini is ugly lime green!!!
UC: GREEN SCREEN!!!
Moon: green screen color!!! they can replace it with whatever they want
UC: it just hit me too!
UC: smart….. (shhh don’t tell them i said that) what do you think she’ll be wearing? a little mermaid costume?
Moon: the potkini… they lost it after spring break 1993
UC: Will they CGI in some big beautiful bouncing breasts?
Moon: i just threw up
Moon: maybe her boobs will phase into wolves? she gets “THO” and BOOM wolves!
UC: they’re going to put her into a wolf bikini. just another FU to jake. gift from Edward. obviously

The one where I do some Twilight rick-rolling

Still too easy

Moon: oh and what about this one http://static.newmoonmovie.org/bdm/images/2011/04/ijsqf.jpg
First thoughts!
UC: hahahahaha
UC: First…. I had no idea who that was. Second, I wanted to get our my tweezers & pluck that unibrow. 3rd I laughed b/c it’s Jason playing a fake violin i mean non-existent violin. 4th I remembered the awfulness of the 100 monkeys and how serious he’s taking it
Moon: jason? who the heck is jason? and you call yourself the SUPERFAN… tsk tsk
UC: 5th I questioned… is that really jackson. I mean Jackson!!!
Moon: he really wanted that as his avi he tweeted it was his fave pic
UC: omg
Moon: i tweeted back and said “too easy.” I mean come on! you’re just asking for my mock and ridicule
UC: tweet him something we’ve made
hahaha
Moon: the facial hair is the catfish phase. this must have been last yr was this his subtle cry to be cast in WFE. then ron came by and took that role from him too. oh the humanity
Moon: he looks like a huge tool
UC: HUGE tool

Seriously, it’s too easy Jackson. I mean come on now. But is anyone else a little sad that this is it. This is the end of filming……. UC hold me!!!!!

It’s not the end… (it sorta is),
Themoonisdown

Did you wish it was the potkini? Do you think that Kristen/Rob/Taylor etc are role models to younger kids? Should they at least put on a more wholesome public front? Are you sad this is the beginning of the end?

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

 

130 Commented


We break down The Cullen Family trip to Pier One Imports

Dear Breaking Dawn, Stephenie Meyer and Edward & Bella Cullen,

A new picture was released? Well, you know what that means. We’re breaking this down Vanity Fair Style

That Explains THAT

UC: Well, I know we’ve gathered here today to discuss the latest underwhel-ment from Breaking Dawn, but we wouldn’t be UC & Moon if we let an opportunity to joke about THIS pass us by:


New Jasper Doll! How many are you gonna buy? Want it for your birthday? It’s ONLY $149.99
Moon: that will haunt me in my nightmares. THAT jasper would definitely try to kill bella and talk with a weird accent for 2 out of the 3 movies
UC: And Bella would gladly let him kill her. Because in Heaven God promises no one who looks as bad as him. I would NOT let THAT Jasper eye F*ck me in a plaza in Philadelphia on a hot summer night
Moon: no way. You can’t talk to that Jasper about red mullets. Come on! How do you screw up a barbie/ken doll version of JASPER? It’s modeled off jackson who has a pretty lady man face and a catfish mouth!!!
UC: i know. I blame China. A factory worker in China. He was tired of his wife’s obsession with the men of the saga
Moon: Who wouldn’t be tired? Men of China care about Rathbonig about as much as men of america
UC: exactly. well that explains that

We get down to business

UC: So another picture from BD was released huh? Can we say overall, now that we have 3 photos & enough to make an appropriate judgement that we are UNDERWHELMED?

Coming soon to a Pier Imports near you...

Moon: By the 3 pictures you mean… 1) feather hands, 2) pants off dance off and 3) pier one lanterns… or my affectionate names for them
UC: of course
Moon: this tells you about how exciting there are
UC:

Don't you wish we were on a bear skin rug, Bella?

I mean….. sure…. the one where we get to see Robsten in a position they generally prefer on a bear skin rug is NICE if you’re into that. But LANTERNS? for VTINES day!? COME ON!
Moon: right. nothing says happy valentines day like some sand, a boat and some ambiguously Moroccan lanterns. That pictures is a happy valentines to the dudes out there. There’s a SPEED BOAT!
UC: seriously!!!
Moon: it was for the unicorns and clearly they don’t even know unicorns- Unicorns want to see Alice in her Sobe bikini
UC: Yep. Or Bella’s camel toe in her see-through white bikini
Moon: if it was a happy Valentines Day for the robsten-ers, it’d be a close up of them in the front seat of the speed boat, getting down
UC: Happy V-tines day for Team Jacob would have been a picture of Taylor in love- and somehow proving that they can pull off the Jacob/Renesmee story without creeping us out or having Chris Hansen meet Stephenie outside her hotel room.
UC: Happy Valentine’s day to US would have been Edward.. shirtless in the water… in the moonlight…. Come on Bill Condon & Summit! Let us ask questions about what’s beneath the water for a second…. (“Is Edward wearing water shoes?” That’s what I’d be asking. What did you think I meant?)

Moon: what would have been a better picture for valentines day?
UC: Emmett & Rose dancing at the wedding- Maybe a scene I WISH they had shot & just cut out of the film so that it could be released at at time like this- where Jasper is telling the story of him & Alice and we SEE her approach him in Philadelphia.. sigh… that would be Valentine’s perfection
Moon: my favorite NOT expounding on story line!!!
UC: fail- david slade fail
Moon: stepenie meyer fail!! Forget midnight sun! BLASPHEMY! i wanna know about alice and jasper
UC: I KNOW! Write THAT story! or since we know reverse psychology works on her, Nevermind Stephenie- we HATE jasper & alice and don’t want to know ANYTHNG about them!
Moon: right. DON’T DO IT. We’ll read hunger games/Immortal instruments/Whoever instead
UC: Imma read BRAN HAMBRIC by Kaleb Nation instead!
Moon: right!!! who wants to read about alice and jasper or edward when you can read about a magician named bran!

Edward goes to Rite Aid

Moon: well lets talk about the obvious. what is that scene even from? Like yea isle esme… but… ?
UC: Their arrival??
Moon: When did edward put out lanterns? was it the scared house keeper? Is she a closeted robsten fan and wanted to make their “first time” special?
UC: Maybe Bella fell asleep in the boat ride & he quickly swam to set it up? And stock the place with condoms, which of course he forgot to use?
Moon: HUGE mistake- while Bella was freaking out in the bathroom he should have just swan at vampiric speed back to the mainland to hit up the 24hr Rite Aid
UC: for REAL. Forget lanterns Ed.. where were the condoms!?
Moon: and he could have picked up some Diet Coke, some sunscreen and KY “yours and mine” while he was there. DUH. THAT should have been the picture- Edward picking up late v-day purchases at the Braziliian Rite Aid drugstore
UC: right.. a blue plastic basket filled with necessities… priorities Edward, pssh… lanterns

all in all… Nice Try Breaking Dawn. But come on! Give us something that shows you’re even TRYING down there in Baton Rouge!!!

Love,
UC & Moon

What do you think of the new pic released as our Vtines gift!? Getting the Pier One vibe like we are? How many Jasper dolls are you planning to buy!?

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