A little help for the Newbies

We received the following from LTT friend TheVenom the other day:

Dear LTT,

In light of the recent scandal that has erupted due to confusion over the Sheila post (people are throwing chairs, offering free but questionable psychoanalysis services (i.e. “losers off yourselves!”) etc.), I thought it might be funny/helpful/lame to write a fake newbie personality quiz to minimize confusion for new folks and help them maybe but probably not blend in a little more easily.

Disclaimer: I am not an authority on this subject. This is based on my own newbie observations, which could be totally wrong of course, and on the fact I actually read the FAQs first. I’m a dork that way.

The first (and only) question is:

LTT-Virgin

1. Would you describe yourself as a…. (choose one)

a. Weird, Twi-hard commenter over at E-online
b. Celebrity stalker “loser”
c. Bully
d. Just a person who likes to read funny shit
e. Other:______________

Results:
If you answered….

a. Caution: You may not like it here very much & it’s possible you will seem weird and mean. You also may not get the jokes. You will probably freak out because of this and needlessly judge others. People will notice. It will be funny. You will not think so.

b. You may claim to have insider knowledge about gossip that debunks fun, innocent speculation but nobody will buy it, because these are seasoned pros. Your math skills will be questioned. Fake T-shirts will be created in your honor. (they’re fake right?) You might seem a little crazy and people might bag on you in a super nice way. Lurkers will laugh at this! (Also see results for a)

c. You might need help. Cyber bullying is a real issue these days. Nip it in the bud. Go take a free iTunes class in psychology since you’re so serious about shit and smarter than everyone else. Or just pay the money for therapy. Come back when you’re feeling better. They might let you. There is hope.

d. You’re normal, probably, but that will always be subjective because you are here. You will have thumbs ups and downs. Sometimes you will feel like an ass, but at least you have a sense of humor so you won’t care either way. You’ll like it here.

e. Other- Results vary based on expert opinions of Moon, UC and non-newbies. Lurk awhile and you’ll figure out who they are. They are to be revered. Give them a chance before the hate, and you’ll laugh so hard you’ll pee a little, which is totally a good thing. Try it!

I loved this start to the “Newbie Quiz” from TheVenom & have a few to add:

2. Have you heard of “Sarcasm?”

a. Yes- but it confuses me
b. No
c. Yes. I’m a fan
d. Yes & I’m a frequent user

If you answered:

a. Then we’re REALLY gonna confuse you
b. You’re going to hate it here
c. Welcome
d. You’re our people. Submit us a letter of your own!

3. Do you take the teenage love story about Vampires who sparkle in the sunlight & can impregnante their wives so seriously that you’ll hate on anyone who might criticize, poke fun of it or its fans? 

a. Yes
b. I don’t know anyone like that
c. No- I make fun of it all the time, yet I love it so much. Is this normal?

If you answered:

a. You’re gonna hate it here
b. Welcome to LTT. We ARE those people
c. That’s Normal. So normal. You’re home now hunny. You can relax

4. Do you think famous people who get paid millions of dollars to be in the public eye should never have their personal lives discussed?

a. No
b. Yes
c. Just don’t criticize (insert name of person you love)

If you answered:

a. LTTs gonna feel like home
b. You’re gonna hate it here
c. (Name of person you love) probably hates (insert name of of someone hated by person you love) and we’ll definitely discuss that, so you’ll be happy. But then the next day we’ll probably discuss (name of person you love) and piss you off for a minute. Sorry.

5. Finish the sentence: It’s more fun to:

a. Speculate or fantasize about what MIGHT actually be (or never EVER be, depending on the day)
b. Only discuss truth & facts

If you answered:

a. How does creating a “Character” for your favorite Twilight actor sound along with a favorite restaurant, girlfriend (we could even write a song for the two of them) and altogether “new” (but, let’s be honest, pretty accurate) personality sound? Good? You’ll like it hre!
b. You’re gonna hate it here.

6. When you leave a comment to hurt someone, you’d expect the response to be:

a. Something mean back, perferably to be called a bad word for a female body part
b. The responder to try to start a debate or argument
c. Something confusing (is that sarcasm?) that sounds like it agrees with you but also maybe doesn’t? And maybe makes fun of your spelling.
d. Total and complete agreement

If you answered:

a. This could happen on LTT, if you’re offended another newbie
b. This might happen at LTT, although it’s hard to debate with an LTTer who has been around for awhile
c. This is likely the response of a seasoned LTTer, or, if you’re lucky, UC or Moon decided to join the “there’s a newbie who doesn’t get it gone crazy in the comments” fun for a few minutes that day.
d. This means you got one of your friends to comment too! Look at you!

So newbies, how did you do? Does it seem like LTT is going to be a place to call home? Or did you end up with mostly “You’re gonna hate it heres?” Sound off in the comments & old LTTers (Can I call you Old LTT Hags?) what did I miss!?

Love,

UnintendedChoice

Did you remember we have FAQs? I forgot & re-read them last night (and even added a few new lines) HILARIOUS. All that crap STILL makes me laugh. Read the LTT FAQs now!

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

112 Commented


Buttcrack Santa Gifts

Dear LTTers-

Have you noticed that this year it is getting harder and harder to find Buttcrack Santa gifts? I was at Hot Topic the other day (a sentence I never thought I would ever say OR think OR type!), trying to find the perfect Buttcrack Santa gift for my sister and I kept coming up with dead ends! There was just nothing I felt was worth dishing out $30 or even $14.99 for! Good Twilight gifts are becoming harder and harder to find!

Buttcrack Santa first made his appearance at Christmas of 2009. Being avid LTT readers, my sister and I both got the giggles (yes we are 26 and 29 and we still get the giggles) when she found one of “those little bottles” in her stocking with a tag “To: Team Seth, Love: Buttcrack Santa.” Our parents and husbands stared at us blankly, waiting for an explanation. There really wasn’t a good one. We both looked at each other, turned to our judgemental group and said “its a Twilight thing, you wouldn’t understand.” And with that, the Buttcrack Santa tradition was born.

But, Buttcrack Santa gifts aren’t just for the winter holidays! This special breed of Santa can make an appearance any time of year. Buttcrack Santa made an appearance in June, right before Eclipse came out and delivered me a wonderful Eclipse watching package- complete with LTT shirt, my own jorts, a replica Bella ring and other Twilight nic-nacs! Then, last Christmas I received a wonderful “Team Jacob” t-shirt, which from the looks of the orange price tag, Santa got a very good deal on!

Unfortunately, BCS was too drunk to remember my sister’s gift last year. So this year, I am bound and determined to find the best possible BCS gift for her. This search has been hard though! The stores aren’t stocking Twilight stickers, candy and key chains like they used to! Even Barnes and Noble let me down. So, my quest drove me to the Internet, where I found some real gems.

For example, did you know that for a mere $39.99 you could be a proud owner of this set of sparkling Twilight title themed Christmas ornaments?

Or, if Breaking Dawn was your favorite, you could receive these “honeymoon” themed ornaments from Buttcrack Santa this year! Now, these seem pretty easy to make, but I couldn’t quite bring myself to go to the craft store and buy a bag of fake white feathers, so my search continued.

Buttcrack Santa gifts don’t have to be holiday themed either! In fact, they are better if they are something you can use year round- like a bracelet or other fun item for your house. A good bracelet at Hot Topic can cost you anywhere upedward (see what I did there?) of $14.99, but on etsy you can find so many other varieties! Like this “Edward” handmade beaded bracelet!

Or this replica of Bella’s graduation present!

I prefer my BCS gifts to be a little more subtle however, which is why I bypassed all the wonderful creations on etsy and hopped on over to my local 5 Below. This was my last ditch effort to find the perfect Twilight gift before I hit up Michael’s to buy some feathers and a silver paint pen. Thankfully I hit the very small jackpot there, but I can’t share what I bought or Team Seth will know her gift ahead of time! I will say this: the gift is a small token of Twilight love and vampire appreciation and cost below $5 (hence the name) which is absolutely perfect for BCS’s budget. These gifts don’t have to be big or expensive, just something to give us a little reminder of the joint love of something that gave us many laughs and good times together and some great inside jokes. Buttcrack Santa is the little bit of Twilight holiday spirit in all of us LTTers.

I hope the spirit of Buttcrack Santa has inspired all of you to start your own BCS gift exchange! And although good Twilight gifts are becoming fewer and farther between, I can only hope this tradition with my sister continues for years to come!

Happy Holidays and Little Bottles to All and to all a good night!
-“Rachel B”

Rachel is right! We used to find SO many GREAT (ahem) “Buttcrack Santa” gifts every year- Etsy was FULL of the best, and now…. they are SO few & far between! I mean, there is the “Harry’s World Famous Fish Fry” Moon sent me for our 3 year anniversary (for real), but nothing Buttcrack Santa would REALLY be proud of. Have YOU seen anything?

You know who sells the PERFECT “Buttcrack Santa” gifts? (I bet you’ll never guess) We do. In the LTT/LTR Store. Stock up for the Holidays. All of them!

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

43 Commented


Take out your party hats, it’s LTT’s 3rd Anniversary!

There are no videos in the post, so you can just mute your computer today! HOORAY!

Dear Unintendedchoice, Themoonisdown and LTTers,

Never trust a girl with crazy eyes, nor let her blog

I know what you must be thinking: who let Brookelockart get control of the blog? After deciding that I wanted to throw a surprise blog party, I spent the last two weeks cracking passwords (hint: has to do with Robsten, magicness and Bella’s birthday). So folks, spike your coffee and raise a glass to three fabulous years of laughter, tears and images that will never leave you (two words: Snail Penis).

As part of the anniversary surprise, I reached out to regulars and some old time friends who jumped at the chance to reminisce about our favorite LTT posts (I may have also promised some punch and pie.)

Please introduce yourselves and when did you start reading LTT/LTR?

Read_or_sleep: Summer 2009
Cazza: March 2009
PlaneFriend: Reading Since: About 5 seconds after this post. When I saw Stephenie was going to have fansites interview her, I decided to go looking at the fansites. All the others I just glanced at, read a page or two, and never went back to again. Within days, I was reading most of the LTT backlogs…realized I knew UC a few weeks later, started writing for y’all occasionally, and the rest in history.
Stacey: March 2010
LonestarKendall: March 2009
Rachel B, formerly GriffsSayWhat: Winter 2009
Alice_NaA  – Bella_NaA : A  long long time ago, when palatial pads and hot pocket fortresses where yet to be built, Summit was not to blame, TomStu still shaved, Bobbygee shared his wisdom, AmanDUH  was working her living room corners, the Pattinson pants were in style, and Oregano was not just an Italian herb.
superhumanmoron: January 2009
MrsKowski: I’ve been reading since March of 2009. The post that started it all for me was the “This is how you found us? Vol. 2”  it was linked on NewMoonMovie.org – my world has not been the same since I made the decision to click on that link.
Snowwhitedrifted: January 2010
Janetrigs: February 2009
Allryans: April 2009, actually since THIS post.
Operarose: August 2009
TeamSeth: September 16, 2009

Well, I guess this is what happens with an open ended question. For the record, I’ve been reading since March 2009.

We know that LTT gave laugh lines to Stephenie Meyer, what posts made you screen spray your drink while reading?

worse when it comes out your nose

PlaneFriend: I laughed so hard while reading this post that I flatout cried, no joke. I mean, Barbies in lingerie? Blacking out a Barbie’s girl parts? Flipping hilarious.
Stacey: This is an old one, but one of the first that I read that made me laugh so hard that it woke up the baby I was nursing at 2 A.M and made him start crying. So while that won’t help me win mother of the year, that post did bring some fun at actually being awake at 2 A.M.
Rachel B: I really loved seeing all the funny stuff people thought up for this contest, even though I was not creative enough to think of anything!  And, at the time the “imma let you finish” was ALL the rage!!
Bella_NaA: Oooh, the Imma-contest. Endless fun we had with that one. There were some really, REALLY good entries, including the one that Gil Birmingham ended up tweeting about!
Mrskowski: I think a memorable screen spray post was the “Ok …we gotta discuss it …it’s time” post – can you believe I’d never seen Last Tango in Paris before this post? …I could have probably answered this same question with any LTT Mailbag post or any My Twilight Confessions post as well – I die at all of them.
SWD: Breaking dawn Barbies
Janetrigs: The epic Calliope (@CalliopeBlabs) , UC and Moon Break Down of the New Moon trailer and we learned that Tweed is indeed Serious.
Operarose: Any of the posts with responses to letters LTT received from Twi fans who thought to the cast or Stephenie. I love the equal parts biting sarcasm, snark and sometimes sweetness involved in UC & Moon’s responses to the rather confused fans. Example

Cry Baby

Those certainly bring back lots of memories, also some inappropriate laughing at work. On the flip side, which post made you cry more than Eric Yorkie in New Moon?

Read_or_sleep: I have nothing coming up from memory.  Obviously I am a cruel, heartless person.
PlaneFriend: This post because I want to read a Leah sequel THAT badly. Truly, I have a ridiculous affinity for Leah. I want to get inside her head. I want to see her puke over the pedophile Jake-Nessie imprinting. I want her to fall for someone other than Sam!
Lonestarkendall: Just another example of how Twi brought us LTT/LTRs together across the country, supporting one another and making us laugh.
Alice_NaA: Don’t remember the exact post, but at the time of our twidiction high, every post reminding us that the twilight-period will come to an end, made us sad.
Bella_NaA: And now, every post that reminds us how LTT has become so much more than a funny blog about Twilight but also a place where we have made new friends!
SHM: I can’t think of one in particular.  Usually the ones that talk about all the friendships made through LTT.  And we all sing “Friends are Friends Forever”.
MrsKowski: it’s a toss up between “Twilight Moments that have shaped us” and about Leghitch2010
SWD: Well, this one was emotional for me, because I did the shirts. It’s AWESOME to see them on you all!!
Janetrigs: Freya describes how we all feel, in that LTR/LTT has brought us all together as friends.
Operarose: MidnightCyn’s story. Probably one of the most unforgettable stories I’ve ever read, anywhere, period. I was so inspired that Twilight helped distract her from a difficult time in her life.
TeamSeth: Same post as above.  This is one of the first posts I read, and I thought every Thursday was a tear jerker (due to post title). Luckily that wasn’t the case, but this will always be the most teardrops are fallin’ down my cheek post and same goes for its comments. But what makes it even more tear-jerker to look back on is that Cyndi DID go see New Moon, even though she didn’t think it was a possibility.

Continue…

47 Commented


The Cullen/Swan Wedding Reception

Dear Bella Cullen’s Wedding Reception,

Having just got married, oh, last weekend, I’m “down with the kids” on this whole wedding thing. I mean, I even sported the Bella barrette before you made it popular (and don’t pretend Alice didn’t steal the idea from ME!

"I'm crying because I'm so moved you used my hair barrette just like Team Seth did with her mom's hair barrette in her wedding, which happened before yours."

I know Alice saw me make my decision to wear my mom’s hair barrette before I made it. Then she STOLE the idea. Right out of my head. She’s supposed to use her powers for good–or is that witches? Too many vampire shows.)

Anyway, back to the letter… So, recently TeamJacobEdward emailed me back from the slathering of wedding photos I sent her and closed the email with: “PS did Jacob show up and steal a dance before he attended you to Edward Mr. Seth?”  [Don’t you just love her for using the word “attended”? I know I do.]

Her postscript got me to thinking.

For the weeks leading up to the event, I joked about how I wanted Murray Gold to come and stop the wedding in one of those over-the-top elaborate, only-happens-in-the-movies kind of ways; profess his love for me after speeding from the airport, drenched in rain all The Notebook sex scene style… You know, that sort of thing.  (if you don’t know who Murray is, go here for an impertinent informational interview)  But when the day came, as NatteringYeahRobber predicted, I didn’t think about Murray at all! (which is actually *not* true since I played one of his songs in my ceremony, thus his name was on our program…Murray will live on at my wedding forever! *does the Vincent Price laugh* (which was ALSO at the wedding via “Thriller”))

But I didn’t think about him coming into the wedding and sweeping me away–or cutting in for a dance or even just surprising me by showing up. I was caught up in the evening, having fun and eating the delicious cheese ravioli, dancing to the great New Wave that our DJ dropped and drinking porters.

Unlike Murray at my wedding, we know Jacob DOES show up to steal a dance with the bride. Sure, it will be exciting and emotionally moving, if not a little awkward.  But do you really want that?

If I can't come, Bella, I don't want you to come!

Let’s think about it. We all know I’m a fan of Jacob and like him better than Edward—but not for Bella. Bella and Edward are perfect for each other. Jacob is not compatible with her (just her egg?) and thus it’s not a good match. So, in Eclipse when he was all “And maybe even then.” after Bella said “Right. Until my heart stops beating.” in that sweat lodge bedroom of his, she should have thought, “Okay, we’ve made our peace. He’s gotten my admission of love and some mountain top tongue action. Neither of us died in battle. Now it’s over. I’m committed to Edward 100% and cannot wait to live my life with him, forever.”  So, when Jacob shows up all shaggy haired and disheveled looking to touch the bride’s shapely body and virgin white dress with his grubby little rejected twice-over hands, do you really want that?

You don’t.

"Remember when Jacob showed up disheveled at our wedding wanting to dance with you? What a lame-o!"

You want him to just do the mature thing and not show up at all. To call or email Bella saying he won’t be able to make it and he’s truly sorry, but he’s just not up for it. He wishes her and Edward all the best and hopes that they can stay friends moving forward. (And to give him a call when her demon fetus comes of age, so that he can finally get laid.) You don’t want him to make some covert just-off-to-the-side-of-the-dance-floor appearance to say his piece before fursploding off into the woods!  Talk about an overreaction to the water for elephant in the room!

The reality is, you want to be a happy occasion that everyone remembers fondly as being fun and pleasant. Sure there’s always the ‘problem person’ (one of my groom’s party members showed up to the ceremony completely wasted. It was…lovely), but if you had the choice of having that or not, do you really want that?

You don’t. You just don’t.

With Kind Regards,
Team Seth

ps-Do you think they’ll play a modified version of White Wedding that says “It’s a nice day for a pale wedding!” ?? (fingers crossed!)

pps-Mr. Seth always say “grubby little hands”, that’s why I threw it in there. Not because Jacob’s massive sexy lingering hands are grubby. Ahem. DH shout out! (teehee, I said DH)

ppps-It’s good to be back! (Said in my Damon voice, as heard in every single “Previously on the Vampire Diaries” from season 1)

Congrats on the new husband, Team Seth!! May your first year of marriage NOT include a baby that eats you from the inside out!!

Team Seth makes some great points…Jacob kinda RUINS the moment there…. I mean… not gonna complain when I see it on screen. Pretty sure I’m going to cry…. What about you??? Did your or does your dream wedding include “Interruption by ex/boy that COULD have been?”

OOPS: Last week, like an idiot, I said if you want to join us for an LTT part in LA in a few weeks (specifically Sunday 11/13) E-mail Us and included the email address for my work. TWICE. So, no- a hot tub company is not looking to throw a Twilight party in a few weeks, but WE are.. so E-mail Us if you’re interested!

REMINDER: Hate the ads? Press MUTE (the volume button) in 4 places. There ya go! All fixed.

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

82 Commented


Questions for Stephenie about Breaking Dawn

Warning: You’re gonna want to pick up Breaking Dawn again after this next letter

Dear Stephenie and LTT readers,

Today’s letter is going to be one in which I let you in on a poorly-kept secret around the “Plane” household. I have read the Twilight saga WAY too many times. No such thing, you might think, right? Well, wait until you see all the questions I have for Stephenie in the unlikely event that I’m ever lucky enough to meet her. I keep hoping to somehow wrangle that meeting somehow, someday…but I somehow doubt it’ll happen…so I’ll drive all of you crazy with my questions instead:

Questions I Had After Reading the Initial Saga (Approximately 5,000 Times):

What do you MEAN there are wolves?

How, at the end of Breaking Dawn, do Aro and the rest of the Volturi not know about the Quileute werewolves until they see them at the conflict? At the end of New Moon, Alice touched hands with Aro and he read all her thoughts. Bella had told Alice about Jacob, their friendship, and his genetic inheritance. So wouldn’t Aro already know about them when the Volturi head into clearing to face off with the Cullens ?

I loved Jacob’s narration for part 2 of BD. And I was glad to get back to Bella’s so I could experience her conversion. However, why wasn’t there a part 4 of BD? When the Volturi threat came, I think you should have switched perspectives again and written that whole episode from Edward’s point of view. Because, you know, we all love him and want to be in his head. Plus, knowing what everyone was thinking (and not just Bella) during that last battle would have been great. Also, I would have loved to see through his eyes his transformation from eternal pessimist to optimist. But would that have ruined possible future plot lines?

How can Jacob, Sam, Quil, and Embry not ask their parents about Embry’s heritage? Seriously, if I thought my father had cheated on my mother, I’d have to ask…even if I didn’t want to know.

Yeah! What about ME? We could get married on a FRIDAY

Would one of the Quileute werewolves have imprinted on Rebecca Black if she’d been around? If so, who? And if she were to show up, already married, and imprinting happened, how would that play out?

If Jasper is basically a part of the Cullen family because of Alice, and the “vegetarian” lifestyle wasn’t really his first choice, what would he choose if the Cullens weren’t around and he and Alice weren’t with them? Would the emotional climate of the humans he killed be enough to finally turn him or would he be happy enough once he had Alice that it wouldn’t matter?

Edward doesn't want ME?

Was Tanya a bit like Rosalie in that she wanted Edward simply because he didn’t want her? Or were her feelings for him potentially serious? Would she have fallen for him if he’d returned her affection? I mean, this is Edward.

What is Jane’s deal with Aro? If it weren’t for Chelsea, would she stay with the Volturi? Is it just Chelsea that binds her to Aro? She seems to be so infatuated with Aro that she worships him (in a rather sick way) and that makes me wonder whether it’s all Chelsea or not… but she’d be a rather terrifying loose cannon, so I think she’s better off with Aro.

If Renesmee has the mental abilities of someone much older than either her actual age or her physical-looking age, what does she make of the strange imprinting thing? Is she developed enough to think it’s creepy that this 16-year-old guy is head-over-heels for a baby?

I LOVE Leah, and really, really want to read book half-narrated by her…and hope that in it, she and Nessie become friends, she finds love, and stays sarcastic. Promise one thing, though, please? Please don’t make Leah imprint on Jake and Nessie’s super-human, one quarter human, one quarter vamp, and half werewolf son, ok? And for that matter, promise she won’t imprint on Sam and Emily’s son either. Please? Because that would be too contrived…and just plain icky.

Are you reeling from the amount of minutiae my head is capable of dredging up? Shocked anyone would spend this much time obsessing over details of a fantasy world? Annoyed that you now have MORE nagging questions? I think it’s only fair that you now riddle me (well, us) with yours. What do you want to know?

And Stephenie, you know you want to guest-post and answer all these questions, don’t you? Please!
Love,
The Plane Friend

Um, didn’t you forget the most important question of ALL, Plane Friend? HOW did all of this get by Charlie, the police officer, with NO QUESTIONS ASKED? I get it- Jake shifted (wait.. is that what we call it in Twi?) in front of him & it creeped him out so he decided to let it slide, but WHAT? COME ON!? It’ll be interesting to see if that’s believable on screen!!!

What questions do YOU have about Breaking Dawn?

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

82 Commented


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