UC gets real about New Moon

Dear New Moon,

First, let me preface this by saying I love New Moon the movie even with it’s sometimes cheesiness, occasional flaws (the R&J book on the bed there one minute, gone the next) and Jacob calling Bella “loca” even though he doesn’t speak Spanish. I love it because I love the book- I love the story. Plus it’s so much better than Twilight, which I also loved despite its MAJOR cheesiness and introduction of characters who belong on COPS. However……I gotta get real. New Moon isn’t going to win any Oscars. Then again, no one should have that expectation, so I shouldn’t even need to mention it.  I guess what I’m saying is, I’m a fan. A big, ol’ fangirl who runs a blog about vampires. But I’m a normal girl too. I don’t really talk Twilight outside of my LTT-life & I don’t own one single Twilight T-shirt (which is kinda a travesty). And my favorite movie so far in 2009 is a Woody Allen film. It makes no sense how I could love both Woody Allen AND New Moon. It doesn’t. But… I do. And I make no apologizes.

Moon wrote a killer letter yesterday about the hits & misses in New Moon. And I just got back from MY 3rd viewing with a “Bite Me Edward” notepad filled of thoughts, confessions and…. lists. Yes, I counted how many times Chris Hansen would have arrested me were he watching my face or feeling my pulse race during those 122 minutes. But we’ll save the lists for another time. Right now, it’s time to get real- you gotta hear out my confessions:

What do you mean they ran out of $4.99 all you can eat steamed mussels on the buffet?

Rob: For most of his scenes, I don’t think Rob looks that hot. Sure, there are moments and when he’s on- he’s ON, but the rest of the time…meh. I’m not even saying this because of that under-aged guy. Or because he looks like death at the end.  Maybe it’s because he leaves Bella and I get pissed, or maybe it’s because he looks like he’s hitting the 4:30 pm early-bird special at the Shoneys after winning his shuffleboard match. I don’t know. I’m just confessing…

Sick: I get seasick twice in the movie. Literally- seasick. First when Carlisle stiches Bella up and we have to watch it. WTF!? Why!? Couldn’t we look at some family photos on the fall of Edward and Emmett in the 70s? And then I get sick when the camera is whirling around Bella as she lies on the floor of the forest. I get motion sickness really easily and the first time I saw that scene it took me until Volterra to stop the throw-up feeling.

(ohh ohh) "Oops." "Again?" "Sorry..."

Turned on: I get turned on during the hot kiss between Edward and Bella. You know the one. It’s the one where I forget Rob resembles my Uncle Ernie before he went off to war and get lost in the sounds of his arousal. (and forget they’re for another girl) Interestingly enough, the screen turned off for about 5 minutes in our theater but the sound kept going. It just so happened to be during that scene.  We were pissed. Until…… well… until we received a gift. You can get this gift too. Next time you see the movie, close your eyes during the kissing scene and just listen.  You will get to experience the sound of Rob’s sexual frustration and arousal, without having to look at the reason he is in such a state. It’s pure bliss (If, however, you end up with images of your 11th grade boyfriend making those same noises before saying, “Oops. Do you want me to take that dress to the dry cleaners for you?” we cannot be blamed. It’s easy to mistaken those sounds in a dark theater as 15 year old male premature ejaculation)

See what other awkward stuff I have to say about under-aged boys after the jump Continue…

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New Moon: The Hits and the Misses, Moon’s review part 1

The claw is in the details

Dear New Moon, LTT-ers and anyone ever in the world involved with this,

After seeing New Moon for the third time (obviously I’m not a true fan as my viewing number is not in the teens at this point) I think I can safely start to review the film with a discerning eye. I’m finally past the freak out/totally in awe/blinded by the abs stage and ready to give this a whirl and put my thoughts on virtual paper.

I think the key phrase for New Moon is: “The devil’s in the details” and Chris Weitz must have made a deal with the devil, like Rob did, because he nails it. From the very first shot of Bella waking up next to the tattered copy of Romeo and Juliet with the cover that looks an awful lot like Voltera, I knew we were in for a great ride courtesy of someone who “got it.”

While on the whole I think New Moon is light years ahead of Twilight in terms of the overall product and as my brother (in the industry and knows a thing or two) says Twilight looks like “student film” where they cut a lot of corners by being lazy instead of creative whereas New Moon is actually a total product with a vision and a pay off. New Moon is definitely not without it’s faults, and you know us here at LTT we love a good fumble (Buttcrack Santa, Spider Monkey?) so…

Let’s examine some of the hits and misses of New Moon the movie…

This scene kills me EVERY time

Hit
Jacob/Taylor Lautner
This guy actually showed up and ACTED! He had emotions, they were complex and interesting. He emoted with his face and body and didn’t rely solely on blinking, stuttering or squinting to show how much pain you’re feeling to even be near your “la tua cantante.” Did I really just use that phrase? Apparently so. Just imagine it said in Aro/Micheal Sheen’s creepo voice. Not only did he emote well he made the audience laugh. Of the three times I’ve seen it men in the audience seem to react the best to Jacob, laughing at his jokes and generally just relating. My favorite line of his? “Don’t get me upset, this will get very ugly!” Bra-freakin-vo Taylor Lautner! Big Daddy, take this kid out for a McRib but hurry they’re only back for a limited time!
c

Let’s see who can run the slowest and dazzle the mostest!! AND GO!

Miss
Future Bella as a vampire/Edward sequence
The slow-mo running, the khaki Anne of Avonlea outfits, the SLOW MOTION running?! Cheese with a capitol C. I get the reason behind the slow-mo which is better than Cathi’s half assed special effects way of making them run super fast but all 3 times I’ve seen it (yes, including opening night) people laughed.

More hits and misses more biker gangs more LSD trips more awesomeness after the cut!

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Everything I need to know about life I learned from New Moon

Life lessons learned here

Dear LTT-ers and TwiHards,

Remember when we gathered together some of the lessons we had learned from Twilight last year? Well, it’s time we hit up New Moon since the film version is out and we’ve (sorta) reread it again (and again) and there are a slew of lessons to be learned that I wouldn’t have known otherwise…

  • If your new best guy friend starts running around in the woods in just a pair of jean shorts and some sneakers, he will NOT catch a cold. He will run a temperature of 108 but don’t worry, this is normal. He may also turn into a werewolf.
    c
  • If a man with a pair of orange pants and hiking boots is directing the sequel to a movie adaptation of one of your favorite books: TRUST HIM. Perhaps with your life. He will NOT screw you over. And you just may find yourself drawn to orange pants and man purses (murses)
  • Trust me, I'm a director!

  • I know you will be anxious when the lead actor in the first movie leaves for 2/3rds of the second movie but take a deep breath and let the underage boy taking his place worm his way into your heart. You will NOT miss the first boy and it will truly be “as if he never existed.”
  • Mike Newton may have gained like 30ish something pounds but he still has some of the best lines and can act the HALE out of the flu!
  • Just like in Twilight it is perfectly normal to expect your best friend to be the boy next door who suddenly morphs into a hit piece with a 12 pack, a penchant for fixing up broke down cars and motorcycles, and will love you more than your whiny ass deserves even when you can’t get over the hot vampire boyfriend who dumped you in the woods months ago and moved away.
  • I learned that if you are depressed and you sit in a recliner for 3 months, you will not get bed sores, a flat “shelf ass” or muscle atrophy…seriously how did she do that?

Follow the cut to see what else we learned from New Moon
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Jimmy Fallon is SUCH a Twilight fanboy!

Nouget-about-it!

Dear Jimmy Fallon,

First off I heart your show! If anyone had to take the late night spot of my beloved Conan, I’m glad its you. While your hair doesn’t stand up to the fabulous red heights of CoCo’s beautiful soft serve ice cream cone of a hairdo, your humor does. I cant tell you how many times me and my friends yell out “BOTHERED” on a daily basis or “hungerectomy” (when you get your hunger removed, naturally) or “snacklish” (I learned my first word in Snacklish: it’s BOTHERED!) and beg everyone we know to visit Robertisbothered.com just so they can participate in the awesomeness of “pumpkins are dumb fat squashes!” Now, we originally thought you were jumping on the Twilight/Rob bandwagon because it’s the (sorta, if you’re a major nerd like us) hip thing right now and heck, if we’re all honest anything Twilight will get you mad viewers.

But I was so wrong.

but really what's it like being with EDWARD CULLEN?! Does he really sparkle?

You didn’t make Robertisbothered.com or have Taylor and Kristen on your show just because you wanted viewers. You did it cause you’re SUCH A FANBOY!!! It’s alright to admit it, I watched your interviews with both Kristen and Taylor and I could see it in your eyes. You had the look of a Twimom who’d been standing in line at a Hot Topic for 10 days just to get the new Jacob doll or to get your DVD signed by Bob the Electrician #3 on the film. Trust me, I’m a seasoned professional Twilight outer, I can see this stuff a mile away.  So when you started acting all nervous and dorky (more than usual) around Kristen I knew you had it BAD. You talked about the good stuff like Bon Iver (though KStew didn’t know the backstory) and you had her throw footballs at plates (aka what the UC & Moon’s talk show would consist of) I just wished you had freaked her and Taylor out with some super creepo detailed fan questions such as:

  • “So have you thought about how you’re going to act out a half human, half vampire baby is eating its way out of your uterus?
  • Seriously, fade to black?! Don’t you agree Kristen, Stephenie Meyer is such a cock block there?!
  • Taylor, you’re gonna imprint on a newborn baby, don’t you find it funny that after protecting you for the last year, Chris Hansen is gonna be chasing after YOU now?! Cause I’m dying thinking of the irony here.
  • So what’s Buttcrack Santa really like!? SPILL!

Read the rest and watch some videos of awesomeness after the cut

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The critics weigh in: Did New Moon suck or not?

*Spoilers all throughout, again. And seriously if you’re reading LTT but haven’t seen the movie yet you better have a GOOD reason. Swine Flu? Rob knocked on your door and said he’d be with you but only if you promised never to see one of his films? So if you haven’t seen the movie, best you skip on by. If you have, pull up your pencil & notepad, it’s time for a major New Moon-losophy:

EdwardNewMoon

I'm about to dissappear so that Chris Hansen can keep his career busy for the next few months

Dear LTTers,

Okay- Be honest, how many more times did you see New Moon? So far the record I know of at LTT is @Brookelockart who saw it three times. I’ve only seen it once, and I’m pretty miserable about it. But I promised my best friends I’d see it with them on Tuesday, so I guess I can wait until then.  In the meantime I’ve been thinking about New Moon a lot. I’d think that was weird except by now I know to just say “That’s Normal.” So at brunch today after I talked my husband’s ear off about what a great job I thought Taylor did and how I didn’t miss Rob at all but then loved him when he returned, I took the “I’m only listening to you now so that I don’t have to hear about it later, plus I know the more accepting I am of this the more guilty you’ll feel that we spent the whole time talking about you therefore you’ll be more giving in the bedroom” gaze on his face as totally normal, as well.

Since I finished re-reading New Moon on my plane ride home from Los Angeles and I can’t see the movie until Tuesday, I’ve been doing a bit of reading online to pass the time and get my New Moon fill. First I started with fan reviews.  They were basically the same- filled with “OH MY GAWD Taylor’s abs” and “I think I might switch teams” and “I’m most DEFINITELY not leaving Team Edward but dayyyummmmm can I stare at Jacob’s abs one more time?” Not to forget “Cathy Hardi you suck” and “MARRY  ME CHRIS WEITZ” sprinkled with a little “Kristen now that Nikki is out of the picture can WE be fake lesbians” and “THE ENDING.. AHHH” and “I can’t wait for JUNE!” (Does that basically sum up all the feelings?) But the critic reviews were a different story.

I stayed away from critic reviews before I saw the movie. I wasn’t going to, but then I remembered how I read a review last year before seeing Twilight that suggested that Cathy Hardi’s close up shots of Rob & Kristen’s faces were because they couldn’t portray the connection Edward & Bella were supposed to have well enough. I could never get that out of my head, and I think about it every time I see the movie (and tend to agree). So this time I stayed away from the reviews so I could form my own opinions. Obviously, I loved the movie and I’m looking forward to seeing what my 2nd-10th viewings show me (My husband said if I see it more than 10 times he’ll put me in an institution)

Read all about the reviews after the jump Continue…

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