Rob and Kristen go to Couple’s Counseling… and we seek therapy

Dear Rob and Kristen,

Sometimes we get funny DM’s, like unintentionally funny DM’s especially from a funny lil site called Gossip Cop that has made it their mission to debunk celeb rumors and for whatever reason (read: traffic) they love them some Robsten. So when I got the following message:

GossipCop Feb 16, 12:55pm
CLAIM: Rob and Kristen “have entered couples counseling” ➙ http://gossipcop.com/melkq

And of course I immediately fwd-ed it to UC and said “we have to role play this!” Cause we’re not above acting the fool for this site and if that means doing a little Rob/Kristen roleplay then we’re down, cause it’s not like we haven’t done it before! So we started but then as schedules would have it UC has to leave so I was in the lurch who could I ask to role play Rob and Kristen in couple’s counseling with and not seem like a total looney tune? BROOKELOCKART that’s who! Because when you have the following convo…

Moon: hi, wanna role play rob and kristen in couples counseling with me?
Brooke: Haha sure hold on
Moon: ok  for your refrence when you’re ready the post
Brooke: okay, I haven’t roll played R and K before… so bare with me
Moon: ahaha… its weird but just BE them hahaha
Brooke: so I’ll be K i’ll let my inner kbitch out
Moon: ok, here we go… safeword if you need to ;)

after ALL that you KNOW you have a good friend if they’re willing to do the following with you…

.

A suit and cocktail dress? Wow, this is some classy counseling

Therapist: So Rob you called me to set up with appointment and it’s great you’re being proactive about your relationship, but let’s start with kristen… why dont you tell me why we’re here
Kristen: We are here because he can’t live in the moment. I am in the here and now. Rob’s caught up in the yet to be and he’s holding out sex.
Rob: But kristen, I just want us to be exclusive and committed and you cant seem to give me that i just want to tell the world about us! why won’t you let me?!
Kristen: I don’t need to justify what I may or may not feel to the world i bake you loquat pies, isn’t that enough?
Rob: but if you’re not officially with Rob you could be with anyone! you could leave me for someone else
Kristen: Who would I be dating? We’ve been filming all this time.
Rob: Michael Oregano… there’s HISTORY a Jonas brother! TAYLOR LAUTNER you guys are close!
Kristen: See, Dr. Therapist, THIS is why we are here. this is ridiculous. The only Jonas Brother left is like 15 and if I’m going that young I might as well snag the Biebs. I don’t conform to what society tells us relationships are supposed to be.
Therapist: what’s this i hear about a Tom Sturridge? is he an interloper?
Rob: NO NO!!! he’s my friend he’s been there forever. He lets me show more PDA with him than Kristen does! Maybe I should be worried about Tom and Kristen they were shooting a movie together
Kristen: Tom’s fun. He’s less serious then some people I know.

Rob: SERIOUS?! ME?! i’m JUMPING ROB for pete’s sake whats not fun about me?!
Kristen: GAH. UGH. *bitchface*
Rob: i wear the same shirt every day! i play a vampire, i joke about body odor to strangers! I’M FUN! I’m giving you all the fun you can handle! And i havent even gotten the board games out yet!
Kristen: Rob, you won’t leave my side. You upset my director in Montreal. How am I supposed to be taken as serious when you live up my ass?
Rob: NO I DIDNT!!! he was just jealous of my beasite boys shirt and besides it was “MOANtreal” if i remember correctly… if i can please you in the bedroom why wont you let me in public?
Kristen: chuckles
Rob: you let Oregano please you in public, in VANCOUVER!
Kristen: I was high.
Therapist: Yes, kristen why dont you like PDA?
Kristen: It’s not that I don’t like PDA, But .. well, fine… sometimes there are small pieces of hot pocket left in Rob’s teeth after lunch and.. just… ew
Rob: WHAT?! i brought us to couples counseling because you don’t like broccoli cheese? I thought you liked 3 cheese pizza!i stick with you when you wear that same shirt every day
Kristen: that is so different- i do not wear it in my MOUTH

We learn what Rob’s love languages are and whether he’s really ready to get married after the jump
Continue…

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Back to December and back to Swiftner, we break it down

Dear Swiftner (aka Taylors’ Swift and Lautner),

We miss you… a lot. We love each one of you… a lot. And now Taylor Swift has written a song about you Taylor Lautner and we want a reunion… here we are to break it down. DUH.

Have a listen here:
Taylor Swift – Back to December

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What could have been…… awwww…

The one where we go back to December, lit-trally
UC
: okay let’s talk some Swift
Moon: yes, can i tell you my fave feature of itunes is “date added”… listening… omg my boss must think im crazy i have this blaring
UC: hahaha… youre trying to be “well rounded”
Moon: back to december allll the time. ok ok taylor im opening ltt’s dec 2009 archives… clearly taylor is an ltt fan cause dec is our anni month
UC: happy anniversary us!
Moon: awww the lautner family xmas letter. tay is sad she wont make it this yr
UC: i just saw that
Moon: oh we did a tay laut appreciate sunday in dec
UC: yeah… they were TOTES on in Dec. is that when it fell apart? Or was December a happy month?
Moon: OH right he was on SNL this month… dude what happened?! when were they seen out all those times with to go boxes? and his sports car
UC: i thought that was in the spring, but that must have been before… ohhh wait you wrote to the Taylors here and then we broke down swiftner like crazy robsten fans in OCTOBER of 2009, OCT 29 2009
Moon: awwwww memories
Moon: rainbows, unicorns… lisa frank folders
UC: it was perfection

The one where we think we know what happened

UC: and we know now, b/c of song and….. i’m now even MORE convinced this song is about them .. the timing was off in my head.i thought Swiftner was in the winter/early spring. but no… it was fall into CHristmas season
Moon: well when i was in planes, trains and hospitals last week i read like EVERY rag mag and she said it was about him pretty much
UC: and while I have to admit I’ve spent a long time listening to her new album over the past week, i think that this is how it went down: they met. They had so much fun. they liked each other. HE admitted the feelings were strong, and she did not. she hurt him. he left. she misses him, she’s sad, writes hit song. we break it down… and hopefully one day see her in concert ( I love Taylor) Because remember when that super secret source who is friends with Taylor told us they were NEVER really Swiftner and we were heart-broken? well, I still think that might be true…. and that Tay Lautner wanted to be Swiftner. HE wanted matching Lisa Frank trapper keepers & white baby kittens to hold together under a fuzzy pink blanket but something scared Taylor Swift off- I’m gonna go with Joe Jonas. And Ashley Greene- cuz she’s fun to blame even though they weren’t together then and Summit. Let’s blame Summit
Moon: hahaha, cause everyone loves to blame them for everything.
UC: Taylor Swift saw Robsten- and what happened with them- the rabid fans & the manips of their lovemaking in front of the fire (mostly from us) and didn’t want to BE Swiftner and broke Taylor’s heart
Moon: i think they were having a good ol time filming Valentines Day. they hung out, “dated” with chaperone’s (aka big daddy), vma nonsense with Kanye happened, things heated up, love declared on SNL, then BOOM johnmayer/joejonas/whoever called

The one where Taylor Swift is scared of the fireplace

Wait, is this a manip?!

UC: she says “Then the cold came, the dark days when fear crept into my mind”
Moon: fear of the fireplace
UC: Fear = The Swiftner version of Robsten Fans making love videos
Moon: it’s alright to be scared the first time taylor
UC: Don’t fear the fireplace Taylor!
Moon: we’ll walk you through it
UC: haha we’ll make a step by step guide to rocking the fireplace, also rocking in front of the fireplace
Moon: taylor laut no doubt has his v card so it’ll be quick
UC: Yes- it’ll be his vcard disappearing that night.. yours will barely be touched.
.
The one where the Jersey Shore gets involved

Yup, totes DTF

UC: So let’s get back tko the lyrics though- as they tell a good story…….in December, of 2009, after they went out to celebrate LTTs 1 year anniversary…
Moon: Clearly.
UC: it sounds like Taylor gave her flowers….. probably got down on one knee and asked her to make Swiftner official. NO doubt he had breadsticks in hand to seal the deal and she said NO
UC: and dropped the flowers- or he did. ANd they wilted. Like their almost Swiftner relationship
Well, it says it right there- “SO good to me. SO right” I think she loves it. She sings “It turns out freedom aint nothin’ but missin’ you, wishin’ I’d realized what I had when you were mine” It sounds like Mr. Lautner was laying down the law… saying. enough of flirting with boys from Nashville.. I want you all to myself Taylor
Moon: dude TAYLOR LAUTNER get your people on the phone, charter a flight and get to wherever Swifty is because as The Situation and Pauly D say: TAYLOR SWIFT IS DTF!!!!!!!!!
UC: You’re right she was JUST DTF
Moon: she realizes she had it GOOD and john mayer is a toolbag and she wants his assssszzzzz back
UC: she sings about wanting Freedom- but “Freedom” meant getting screwed & felt up by a dude with backne (aka John Mayer). i don’t mean screwed like Effed, I mean screwed over and felt up after having to give him a massage over his backne.
Moon: screwed as in he stole her publishing rights on a song they cowrote. LICENSING NERD ALERT!!! john mayers no fool. he sees her #1 songs

Follow the cut to read the rest of our break down, to see who we blame and the bet we place
Continue…

117 Commented


Kristen Stewart’s “Brother” speaks out about the Krisbians

*please read the entire post and the note at the end before you wild out in the comments*

Dear Kristen,

I just watched this video where you discuss the term “Krisbian”

Really, Kristen? Your “brother” doesn’t like the term? In fact it “pisses him off” you say… why is that do you think? Why would your “brother” hate that girls would go gay for you or at least have a torrid make out session at The Truck Stop in West Hollywood with you for one night? What else pisses your “brother” off so much?

How about when he turns the tv on and it’s always on the Logo channel? That you just bought stock in the Croc’s shoe company? Your roadtrips with Taylor Scout Compton? That your favorite show is “Thintervention with Jackie Warner?” That your idea of a romantic date is going to Home Depot for a new tool belt and a hot dog from the vendor in the parking lot? That your favorite actresses are Cynthia Nixon (and Rojo Caliente!), Meredith Baxter Berney and that girl from Top Gun?

Man your “brother” is judgmental! Can’t he just accept you and your fans and who you choose to love?  Does your “brother” get to choose who you love? And really, doesn’t your “brother” have stuff he should be doing? Like going out with his bromantical friends? Buying more smokes from the bodega across from the the hotel? Isn’t there an In-n-Out run he should be making? And I’m pretty sure there’s a ton  of push ups your “brother” needs to be doing right now for something important that’s coming up. Right? Your “brother” should probably be in the middle of his 5th rep of 100 crunches right now instead of trolling the internets for Krisbians to cyber bully. Jerk.

Really, if it weren’t for your “brother” you’d probably call yourself a Krisbian, right? You’d start a convention for all the Krisbians to meet up and wear Krisbian shirts. You’d tie a knot in yours, of course. And then lead a break out session on proper knot tying so that all the Krisbians were doing it the correct “Kristen Approved” way.

Ok, ok maybe you wouldn’t do any of that because well we heard months ago that you and I guess your “brother” now didn’t really care for the term Krisbian. And we agonized for months over who would have to write the letter letting everyone down gently. But with this video I guess we’re off the hook now and we can meet up and have girl talk over Margs!!! Virgin for you, of course. But it’s funny, Kristen, I really feel like we’re on the same page now. Like we have something in common after all this time. Wow, this might be a new chapter in our relationship.

But now that your “brother” has to come in and rained all over everyone’s parade and said the term pisses him off, what can we do about it Kristen? What about the Krisbians? Are they at home crying into their Krisbian for life pillows? Marked out with sharpie now, natch. You just can’t change how you feel, we know that! It’s like they’re the Kurt Hummel in this Glee world and we feel for them.

We love YOU just the way you are

Maybe we should start a support group for the Krisbians to vent their feelings and provide a safe place for them to discuss what they’ll do to your “brother.” I mean… umm…. how they’ll ‘take care of’ your “brother” welllll…. ok. Maybe we should hire bodyguards for your “brother” instead.

Loving everyone just the way they are,
Themoonisdown

A special note to Krisbians: we love and accept you just the way you are! No matter who you choose to love. We’re not like Kristen’s “brother,” you’re safe here! And to show our support we’ve even thinking of turning our avatar purple on twitter… if we could figure out how to do that.

*No we don’t think Kristen’s “brother” is really her BROTHER, nor do we think any of them are cyber bullies or gay bashers, nor do we hate Kristen. There! Saved you from your dumb comments, people who can’t have a good time on the internet.*

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

321 Commented


Kellan’s Love is Louder

Dear Kellan,

Moon & I heard your message to us through your Love is Louder video:

(Out of the US & can’t see the vid? Go here and read the transcript)

Here are our thoughts:

UC: THIS IS THE DAY THAT THE LORD HAS MADE. WE WILL REJOICE AND BE GLAD because KELLAN LUTZ made a video JUST FOR US. There is NO other explanation
Moon: seriously
UC: No explanation except that he is SEEKING approval. OUR APPROVAL and LTT’s approval
Moon: He wants us to break this down….. for LTT……
UC: and his JOY for Jesus- Sharing it with the world. The ONLY thing that would have made that better, was if his shirt was off
Moon: UC, Jesus is love and love is louder
UC: I feel happier than the day we interviewed Stephenie. This is like if Big Daddy wore a Tshirt with a picture of a breadstick on it
Moon: HAHAHAA
UC: this is like if….. Michael Welsh did a weight watchers campaign
Moon: HAHAHA
UC: or just wore a shirt that said “I REALLY DO like Boobs” or “Save the tatas”
Moon: Like if Taylor told the press he was starting an alpaca rescue farm
UC: Or if it’s really TomStu & Kristen who are dating
Moon: Or if Rob is being sponsored as the new brawny man
UC: hahaha
Moon: or he buys a home on the east side & stops going out in Weho
UC: yes! Like if Rob is seen at Chango- that hipster coffee shop in your neighborhood where everyone smokes pot.
Moon: It’s like they might be finally listening to us! Or just confirming the stuff we’ve thought all along
UC: I mean…. Moon…our VERY FIRST POST was about Kellan and his love for the big man upstairs
Moon: it was
UC: And we always knew it
Moon: That thought came to me while I was peeing
UC: I mean.. who else reads the Purpose driven life besides lovers of the Big man [Not Big Daddy- the other one] It wasn’t too hard to deduce.
Moon: You’re preaching to the choir sister
UC: and here it is.. confirmed …. for all to see
Moon: I may have to take Kellan to Kenya with me next summer
UC: I think this is Kellan’s cry for you to hear:
He wants to go
He wanted to go
He was hurt
Jesus healed him
but the pain is still there
Moon: It is. KELLAN since you’re reading this and we know you are. I will pick you up this Sunday and take you with me to church!
UC: THEY ARE SHOWING YOUR KENYA VIDEO!!! It’s perfect
Moon: It is!
UC: Jesus is love. Kenya is love. Moon is love
Moon: And Kellan is loving it all

Don’t be tempted

UC: It’s also possible he wants us to ignore the rumor that AnnaLynne moved in which I want to ignore- but kinda also want to talk about because I wonder how Jesus feels about his living in sin
Moon: WHAT?!
UC: Do you think they’re “just friends”
Moon: When did this happen?
UC: On a day he was “Straying” of course. No- some legit gossip rag mentioned it. And by legit I mean, not at all, but let’s ignore that fact.
Moon: AnnaLynne is trying to make us pay for all the times we’ve mentioned her
UC: I bet they have separate rooms, and he is SO close to Jesus that he just likes to really test his temptations. It’s easy to say WWJD when your girlfriend lives 10 miles away, but it’s MUCH harder when she’s in the room next door. He’s testing his faith. He’s showing us his strength as a follower
Moon: Maybe they both turned celibate and have created their own nunnery/priesthood in the valley?
UC: I bet they did- I think Jackson will be moving in soon too- there’s those rumors (that I think we started? Based on some hard-core googling stalking of his past??) that he grew up as a missionary kid
Moon: I just want to give Kellan a hug and then see what he REALLY believes. Also- I read a comment on his video that said “Nice Hair Plugs”
UC: Oh NO!
Moon: true or false? Sometimes his hair looks especially lustrous and other times it looks a little thin…
UC: you’re right. it looks VERY lustrous there
Moon: could this explain the comb forward caesar cut on Emmett?? He really has a receding hair line??
UC: it totally looks like he’s pulling a donald trump
that looks like a rug. WWJD? Not wear a rug.

Moon: I wonder what AnnaLynn thinks of all this
UC: yeah… she doesn’t seem like the type…. I’ve seen what she can do to a banana. Jesus doesn’t approve.
Moon: I mean she’s been traipsing around the world with him on this good will trips
UC: Has she been following Kellan around!? I’m behind on the AnnaLynne gossip, clearly.
Moon: yea she’s gone on a couple things with him- Haiti or whatever.. New Orleans
UC: dang- they are the new couple in Christendom. Like Bill & Gloria Gaither or Amy Grant & Vince Gill… or
Moon: Joshua Harris and his lady friend
UC: I know one thing WWJD: Not AnnaLynne is pretty dang clear.
Moon: The day Kellan dumps her and tells MTV they were “unequally yoked” we’ll know he really reads LTT

Love,
UC & Moon

While Kellan’s namedropping Jesus both shocks & pleases us, we did want to point out that “Love is Louder” is a great idea & we encourage you to check it out. Plus Vinny from The Jersey Shore does a video, and he’s our favorite.

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

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Breaking it down: McAdams loves Sheen and some other Twilight news

Dear LTT-ers,

Michael Sheen and Rachel McAdams are an item. I KNOW! And then Tinsel tweeted Gil. Right? And then we told some jokes. And then we broke it down… SURPRISE. So if you haven’t been over to LTR today then let me be the first to tell you this is a double break down day! We hit Rob and now we’re hitting half the cast of Twilight over here… enjoy!

Moon: DUDE we need to talk about micheal sheen with rachel mcadams cause….DAAAAMN SON!!
UC
: YES let’s break THAT shizz down!
Moon
: ok theres a video i watched last night and im treying to find it
UC
: sex vid?
Moon
: hahaha dont we wish
UC
: haha… ONLY if it’s her and The Gos
Moon
: that would blow the robsten magicness out of the water… but whatever theres the proof… can we talk about how he SCORED! i mean hellllooooo rachel mcadams and it says he was with kate beckinsale before this! DUDE
UC
: I KNOW.. what is UP with Michael!? Magical British PeeN? Wait WELSH… he’s WELSH
Moon
: magic WELSH peen who knew?? so im think rachel is a HUGE closet twihard, right?
UC
: oh HUGE
Moon
: and shes just using micheal for either a chance at being in breaking dawn or a chance at getting closer to rob
UC
: its’ what she talks about with michael (and Kate’s) daughter Lily it’s the ONLY reasonable explanation. or to steal something from Lily’s collection
Moon
: thats their bonding time, breaking down breaking dawn with an 11 yr old
UC
: she has Mike’s cape, signed by Stephenie
Moon
: do you think she makes micheal wear his long aro wig when they have sexy times? cause she likes the OLD vamps?
UC
: Yes She does that move from the Notebook and he pulls off her panty hose then she pulls his hair
UC:
clearly I’ve read a fic….Say IT OUTLOUD she yells in a passionate moment, then he does-

BELLER IS ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!!

UC: BELLER IS ALIVE!
Moon: BELLER IS ALIVE!
Moon:
Jinx!! this is our next fic we write we only do real life fics
UC
: please write a mini one for tomorrow
Moon
: cause we’re twisted… hhahaha NO

The one where we talk about the Notebook
Moon:
if this is a secret plot to get into breaking dawn, who does she want to be????
UC
: Tanya is taken… and that’s who I’d guess
Moon
: Renesmee??? she has to be team jacob she heard they were using CGI stuff so why not?
UC
: Right she’s got a young innocent face
Moon
: then her and jacob can be all notebook noah and allie in the ocean at first beach

UC: yes- Jake can get a canoe out on the ocean. And it’s the Pacific northwest- it’s bound to rain

Ruff ruff!

Moon: right and he’s like i just want to show you one thing… and it’s a ton of werewolves swimming in the ocean since he couldnt get geese
UC
: doing the doggie paddle
Moon
: i hope BooBoo can swim
UC
: hahah i just heard krazy kidd saying that in my head
BOW BOW
Moon
: hahahabobo hahahaa

Follow the cut for the rest of our break down
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