Breaking it Down: JoeAshley??

Dear UC & Moon,

I have been a fan of your blogs for almost two years now. You ladies are AMAZING!!! Although, I hate to admit, I am a total fan fail. I don’t comment on posts, I tried to join the forum but that only lasted 3 days (Fuck Me Fridays should come with a warning label-but I did manage to score Buttcrack Santa status in those few short days), and I have only emailed you twice during our relationship together (if I remember correctly, I actually admitted to you I sexually harassed my boss…please don’t talk to his lawyer if he calls). But I credit you with so much in my real life – I found a place where I could go to escape when I needed to take a break from RL, by reading (lurking) your sites I found the strength and courage to make a HUGE move this year professionally and personally, and you have ALWAYS allowed me to start each and every day with a smile (well until you pulled that “we are only posting 3 or 4 times a week shizz). In my eyes, everything you ladies do is FABULOUS and you are Blog Goddesses!!!

Until now…..

I am disappointed in you. There I’ve said it. I feel like the little girl who has held her daddy up on a pedestal and then at the age of 13 attends a junior high Alcohol and Drug Awareness program only to come away with the realization that daddy is always in a good mood for a reason.

Allow me to explain. I feel as though you have missed an opportunity to break-it down. I have totally been cheated of a breaking it down post!!! Perhaps, Rob’s shenanigans have had you overwhelmed and busy (Road Trip, London, and the beard-yep he’s been a busy boy *insert sarcasm link here*). Well, since you ladies have had your hands full and completely overlooked the most important news in the TwiFandom since Nikki caught a VD from Paris (I know it is true because you ladies would never spread untrue or disparaging remarks about Lady Reed- yep *insert sarcasm link* again), I will take over and break it down myself cause my daddy always told me if you want something done you have to do it yourself. Yep, he said this every time my mom came home from the grocery store without a case of Michelob.

Breaking It Down (kinda) – JoeAshley

A JoBro couldn’t possibly know how to handle this!!!

I had heard rumblings of Ashley Green being wooed by Joe Jonas (seriously?). Like so many others I dismissed this as just another Perez Hilton ecstasy induced delusion.

Then a picture was released of the two of them actually together. I decided this definitely needed further investigation so I immediately went the experts – LTT. If there was any truth to these nasty rumors about Ashley, the fab duo of UC and Moon would surely have a post about it. NOTHING. So I dismissed this as just a business luncheon between Ms. Green and Mr. Jonas to discuss their upcoming movie “Camp Rock 7” in which Ashley will be starring as the camp counselor in charge of body paintings.

 

Then a week later yet another pic was posted of Ashley attending a JoBro concert?? This from the same girl who attended the Kings of Leon concert??? I was so confused and out of sorts that I again sought the wisdom of the pros at LTT. And once again…NADA. So I rationalized – she was just in town with nothing/no one better to do so she decided attending would be a good way to build a great working relation with her soon-to-be costar.

Just when I thought this whole thing was over and done and the day glow paint on my daughter’s homemade “Camp Rock 7″ tee was dry (don’t judge-those HotTopic shirts are expensive and I’m a single mom on a budget), THE KISS HAPPENED (I mean it kinda looked like a kiss). I thought to myself that this could NOT be happening! I mean this is the same girl that played Tonsil Hockey with CHASE “EFF ME HARD” CRAWFORD and apparently came[out] on top. Now she is sharing chaste pecks with Joe “Eyebrow” Jonas? These things just don’t exist…not in my world.

And again, I went to LTT expecting a complete, honest, and accurate breakdown of the events. SILENCE!!! Once again the goddesses had let me down by not breaking down. And again I was forced to come up with my own convoluted excuse of what was going on with our girl Ashley. I decided that Ashley is so smoking hot that she was going to prove that she can nail anyone anywhere (cause that’s what I would do if I were her). She wanted to be the one to strip Joe of that purity ring. She was going to deflower this 22 year old virgin and then wear a t-shirt saying “Yeah I tapped that”.

Just when I thought I couldn’t take any more in this the Joashley saga, something appeared like a gift from the paparazzi gods (since the goddesses from LTT weren’t delivering the goods). With this one picture, the explanation I had so long been searching for (and did I mention, unable to find on LTT??) was revealed to me…..

Ashley, my Ashley, has crossed over to the dark side….she has been brainwashed by Disney. In her new Disney contract, it states they will employ any means necessary to clean up her image. Thus, implementing project “Extreme Makeover-Slutty Image Edition”. Purity ring wearing, non-manscaping, boyfriend? Check. Disney Starlet BFF? Check, Check.

Ash…is that you baby???

So there you have it. Cause I know EVERYONE is anxiously awaiting the scoop (yeah another *insert sarcasm button* required). Even Jackson is so confused he doesn’t know rather to wind his butt or scratch his watch….

Ash…is that you baby???

Whew…I’m glad that is finally done! So I forgive you this time, UC and Moon. I know I shouldn’t expect you to be in all places at all times. I shouldn’t hold you on the pedestal that I do….after all there is a WHOLE LOTTA booze down here to share. I love you guys!!!!!

TicketGirl

To TicketGirl, all our precious LTT readers, Ashley, Joe Jonas & Miley Cyrus: We need to ask your forgiveness. We forgot the cardinal rule of breaking-it-down blogging: Never ever EVER let an opportunity go by when you could make fun of the hook-ups between Twilight stars & Disney virgins. We have no excuse. We know there isn’t much we can say to make it better. We just hope you forgive us so we can move forward. We vow to never make that mistake again. In fact, we’re going to start praying for a Kellan & Demi Lovato hook up. Or Kellan and that boy from Sonny with a Chance- we’ll take either.

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

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Twilight Rumors

Not a rumor- a dream

Dear Gossip hounds,

A few weeks back I got a frantic IM chat from a friend saying BREAKING NEWS: The Twilight saga ends on 11/16/2012. My immediate thought was, “Breaking? Didn’t that break months ago?” And as I thought more about it…. I don’t know. I definitely knew the Twilight Saga was wrapping in November of 2012- or maybe that was a rumor I heard once. Orrrr maybe someone in the know told me. Maybe Stephenie Meyer wrote it on a slip of paper & passed it to us under the table at the interview and we were like, “Seriously? We ask you for the Robsten audition tape so we can burn it and you give us this?” or maybe I actually didn’t know that date and just assumed that to be the case? Because that’s what Harry Potter did (and Summit realizes they should copy them since they’re kinda successful) or I’m just way too involved in this fandom that I have a sense about these kind of things. I get a tingly feeling & just know the Twi-future. Call me Alice.

Then I got to thinking- I don’t know what’s real, rumor or secretive anymore. I mean, IS it public knowledge that Ashley Greene & Joe Jonas are together? Or is that just still a rumor circulating among the gossip rags? And is it actually true or do I just want it to be true- a former Disney star with a purity ring giving it up to an up-and-coming star too beautiful to be already desperate enough to date someone born in the 90s (who just yesterday turned old enough to legally knock back a few shots before she shows him what’s underneath that painted on bathing suit)  And don’t even get me started on all the rumors we’ve been told about different Twi cast members being gay. (Some obvious, some not so obvious, some that we spent an entire weekend laughing over until we decided it couldn’t be true- or wait, could it!? Sorry- mums the word!) I mean unless it’s Rob- does anyone honestly really care? Well, maybe we’d care if we found out Taylor was too… because that would make so much sense.

So I started thinking about all the rumors I’ve heard over the past almost 2 years and I came up with quite a list…. mostly about Robsten… and people Ashley may or may not have slept with… Did I miss anything?

  • Why would you cheat on me? Do I look special or something?

    Rob & Nikki are together

  • Rob & Kristen are hooking up behind Oregano’s back
  • Kristen & Nikki are more than friends (I started that one, thank you very much)
  • Nikki sold out Rob & Kristen
  • Kristen is pregnant
  • Ashley’s hooked up with Kellan
  • Ashley’s hooked up with Jackson
  • Ashley’s dating Jared from Kings of Leon (and assumingly has hooked up with him)
  • Rob & Kristen are together
  • Rob & Kristen are no longer together
  • Rob & Kristen- BACK ON
  • No one likes Nikki Reed
  • Jackson hooks up with anyone & everyone
  • Rob & Kristen like to hold hands
  • Kellan is sticking his tongue down that Anna girl’s throat
  • Taylor is with Taylor Swift
  • Taylor is gay
  • Justin Chon is gay
  • David Slade is gay
  • People still don’t like Nikki Reed. And possibly don’t like Elizabeth Reeser either

    Why don't people like me!?

  • Peter & Jennie are swingers
  • Twi (male) cast member in Vancouver put ad in Craig’s list for Asian male companionship
  • Big Daddy Lautner wears a fat suit (he’s actually really in shape)
  • Chris Hansen likes little boys
  • Nikki Reed started a blog so that people like her
  • A cat will play Edward Cullen in Breaking Dawn parts 1 & 2
  • Buttcrack Santa: What does he really do with those little bottles?
  • UnintendedChoice to replace Kristen Stewart as Bella in Breaking Dawn Parts 1 & 2 (for this rumor to be true the Edward Cullen played by a cat is not true)
  • Rob & Kristen open mouth kiss before heading into house parties where dirty men’s sweatpants are considered appropriate attire.

Okay so maybe I took some creative liberties on a few rumors… but most of them I’ve honestly heard at one time or another… So all that to say, this is what I have to say about the BREAKING NEWS about Breaking Dawn Part 2 that I may or may not have already known:

“Holy Shit. I seriously have to talk about this every day for another effing 2 and 1/2 years?”

Hold me,

UnintendedChoice

Beg all you want, some rumors stay with me- but seriously… what have you heard that came true or was proved wrong? Any good rumors circulating out there right now? Was there an immaculate conception of the Robsten baby by the open mouth house party kiss? Fingers crossed!

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

70 Commented


News on Breaking Dawn Production aka NO news on Breaking Dawn Production!

Dear Twilight and well, Breaking Dawn I suppose…

Today two posts came out referencing news behind the production of Breaking Dawn. While a few months ago we all thought making BD was a foregone conclusion and Summit was just waiting for New Moon to shatter box office records to make it official it’s been almost a month and a half since New Moon’s release and still no announcement. Since news on the twi front has been about as sparse as smiles at a KStew photoshoot, so any sort of news to come out will indefinitely make waves. But after reading both posts from the bitchtastic Ted C and a dude in his mom’s basement in North East Philly we learn… exactly… NOTHING. Why yes, it’s like a Robsten rumor… a lot of drama, a lot of words, a lot of retweets, a lot of “maybe’s” but no actual substance or truth. Someone at the LA Times spoke with producer Wyck Godrey and got this bit of totally evasive information regarding the splitting of BD into two films  “…If it’s not organic, I don’t think it will be done, and if it is, it will be…” Wow, heavy.

Breaking Dawn = tons more creepy images made by fans!

So we still don’t know if it will be made into two films (please say yes), whether Summit will hire geneticists to create a human vampire hybrid in their lair of doom (aka studio offices in Santa Monica) to play Renesmee, whether Taylor Lautner will in fact act out imprinting on a newborn baby, if Nikki Reed and KStew can patch up their differences long enough to play convincing as frenemies on screen, will Jacob and Leah spend 3/4ths of the movie running around the perimeter of the Cullen’s house “on patrol” thus reenacting the most boring parts of BD, will there be a behind the scene documentary on the making of Isle Esme which features all the “fade to black” scenes they cut out?

Sooooo many questions and ZERO answers.

Find out what we DO know about Breaking Dawn after the jump
Continue…

240 Commented


Breaking Down Swiftner aka we heart Taylor Lautner and Taylor Swift HARD!

Dear LTT-ers and Robsteners,

We so get it now! After the pictures of the Taylors (aka Swiftner) came out this week and the ensuing letters I wrote to them UC and I fangirled out (it was mostly a lot of high pitched “oh-em-geeing) half the day about Swiftner and how much we loved them. I started watching the clips commenters posted in the letters to the Taylors post and I knew I had a new addiction. Here’s UC and I breaking it down…

The one where I “come out”
Moon:
I officially sound like the Swiftner version of a robsten fan*
UC hahahahahahha and i like it SO much more!
Moon Yes, it’s not nearly as annoying or annoying at ALL
UC RIGHT! just cute!
Moon dude ive SO watched like 2 videos of him at her concert in Chicago. Stop me
UC: hahahahahhahaha love it!
Moon: people are posting them in the comments. She sings 15 in the audience in front of Taylor and then comes to hug the folks where he’s sitting and when she hugs him and the crowd goes nuts. its SOOO embarrassing. im embarrassed for them. and then they do that lingering hand holding thing as she walks away. Swiftner lives folks! hahahaha
UC: awwwww!!!! sooo cute!!!!
Moon its super cute
UC dude.. that’s amazing. Send me the link to the video

Moon: OMG!!! HAHAHA its even more embarrassing from this other angle
UC: Watching! Awwww!
Moon SO CUTE!
UC he’s like “i love you” SOO cute! what if he sang? i’d die if he started singing along with her!
Moon: HAHAHAH they need to do a duet. I hope taylor has seen taylors crappy student video

Follow the cut to see us have an epiphany and plot our Swiftner love blog
Continue…

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Young love is Taylor-made

Dear Taylors,

Awwww, ain’t young love grand?! It’s not even spring and we get to enjoy a little bit of love blossoming in the fall as we watch you two meet up all over the country. I’m going to write each of you a letter and you can figure out which one is to who…

XO,
Moon

PS Can we come up with a better couple name that Tay-tay or Taylor squared for you guys? Those just don’t have the right ring to them

Dear Taylor,

Don’t screw this up!!! If it’s true and you are playing the hanky panky at the Beverly Wilshire Hotel with Taylor than you’re a lucky SOB cause this girl is 19, you are 17 and in boy/girls maturity levels that’s a lot. And besides that, she’s a young musician who not only plays an instrument but also writes her own music! This girls got it going on, and has the songs to prove it. Which you can learn a lot from, by the way! If we know anything about Taylor we know she likes Romeo and Juliet, love stories, flowers, screen doors slamming, Tim McGraw, castles, tear drops, glitter,  that stupid old pick up truck, burning shit, white horses, hates cheer captains and loves being fearless. Oh and she hates the JoBros. But who doesn’t?

So seriously don’t screw this up cause you KNOW Taylor will turn your relationship in her next number one album if you break her heart! And don’t think we won’t know who’s she’s referring to when she sings about “that stupid dog.”  I will also warn you know that Big Daddy told me he’s getting ready to sit you down and have “the talk” with you! So if Big Daddy asks to take you to McDee’s for some “one-on-one time” he’s not refering to private time with a certain fried fish sammy, he’s talking about emabarassing birds and the bees, this is where babies come from, true love waits, keep it in your pants shiz! Prepare yourself! And tape it, so we can listen later cause it will be epically 2nd hand embarrassing! Oh and if Kanye gets any funny ideas at this years Grammy’s you better come prepared to throw down. I’m talking “don’t get me upset” Jacob style throw down.

Ok now go send this girls some flowers and do a back flip for her while you recite a poem you wrote called “Taylor + Taylor, we can make it not a failure” So, clearly you’ll help you with your writing skills (and mine).

It’s a love story Taylor, just say yes!
Moon

PS If something happens and you have to break up with her don’t do it via phone like that loser Jonas Brother did. You’re a classy fellow have the balls and do that ish in person!

Follow the cut to see my letter to the other Taylor! And some other goodies…
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