Monday Funnies AND Stuff Guys say about Twilight: other stuff mutemathguy says

Dear LTT-ers –

Another Monday is upon us and I’m in the middle of a Twilight comic/funny stuff drought, so I’ve decided to bring you a hybrid Monday Funnies and Stuff Guys say about Twilight, featuring one of our most prolific Twilight thinkers: mutemathguy. It’ll always surprise me the stuff that guys will think and say about Twilight, and I think that’s one of the reasons we love our resident Unicorns so much- they bring such a different perspective on our favorite books and movie!

So in an effort to stave off the Monday blues… here’s another round of Stuff Guys say about Twilight with our pal mutemathguy.

One day out of nowhere I receive this message…

mutemathguy: it would have been funner if their last names were “Acula”
themoonisdown: acula?
mutemathguy: then that Dad would be Dr. Acula… you know…..like on scrubs?
SILENCE… time lapse of a few moments
mutemathguy: DRACULA?
mutemathguy: do you want me to draw this out with crayons?
themoonisdown: OHHHHHHHHHHHHH
themoonisdown: no i havent watched scrubs ;)

Another day…

mutemathguy: kristen stewart is a retard
mutemathguy: i was watching an interview
themoonisdown: which one??
mutemathguy: i have no idea
themoonisdown: letterman was probably her low point
mutemathguy: hahaha
mutemathguy: ok i’m watching it now
mutemathguy: oh my god
mutemathguy: shes high as hell
themoonisdown: HAHAHAHA, the part about driving from london to russia!?
themoonisdown: dear god, shes so awkward to watch. it’s like watching yourself being interviewed in jr high
mutemathguy: yea
Watching another video apparently…
mutemathguy: the dude is english
themoonisdown: are you watching kristen? or rob now?
mutemathguy: rob
mutemathguy: man, those two are a whiskey cocaine bomb waiting to go off

Just say no to drugs kids! Even if today’s particularly heinous!
XO
themoonisdown

PS A HUUUUGE HUUUGGGEEE THANK YOU for all the birthday well wishes, pics, videos, funny comments, and to Summit for sending Rob back to LA on Saturday to be at my party. I couldn’t ask for sweeter sentiments or nicer folks to read our blog. I wish I knew you all in real life so I could give you a huge (fake lesbian) smooch and a hug… but I can’t, so just imagine me hugging the computer screen and smiling like an idiot. XO!

UC – thank you for organizing the best blog posts and birthday wishes. I wish we could have celebrated together. Just keep chanting it: “next year! next year!” You are truly the best and I couldn’t ask for a better bloggy partner in crime. No one else can bring the funny like you. XO

The Quad- thank you for helping create the raddest blog post ever ABOUT ME! Everyone should have the chance to hear their pals tell them all the things they like about you. I may or may not have printed that out and made it into a tshirt to wear on bad days. Oh and where do I send your bribe payments? SPECIAL HUGS!

Watch the Kristen Stewart Letterman interview for a laugh… or at least a few cringe-worth momets to start your week off right!
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How to create your very own Unicorn

Dear “All the single (LTT) ladies,”

I know. It’s rough out there. You meet a nice fella, and he takes you out, but it just doesn’t feel right. He took you to a day-time baseball game so clearly he doesn’t sparkle. In like 10 minutes he consumed 3 cheeseburgers and 4 hot dogs with chilli & onions on top, so obviously he’s not a “vegetarian.”  He didn’t seem very interested in finding out what was hidden in your mind, and you’re pretty sure he grabbed the beer girl’s ass when he thought you weren’t looking. Is it you? Is chivalry dead? Are your expectations too high because of that vampire story you blew through in a weekend? Yeah, probably. (But in the case of this baseball date-dude, he sounds like a fat slob, so good call on saying no to date #2).

Would you like this to be your Unicorn?

Would you like this to be your Unicorn?

It’s safe to say that the Twilight Saga has created some unrealistic expectations of men for many women. (A week or so ago Lauren from Lauren’s Bite wrote a great bit about this very topic.) We think we know the solution to your problem- what you really need: A Unicorn of your very own!

If you’re new to LTT/LTR you’re probably asking what the H a Unicorn is. Well, check out our first post about a Unicorn here, but basically a Unicorn is a mythical creature- something no one is really sure actually exists. Aka: A man who reads, loves or watches Twilight.  Unicorns tend to hang out at airports, but we’ve spotted them a few other places over the past few months, including on our very own blog! (If all this time you’ve been thinking we’re talking about the “unicorns” in the fan ficton Wide Awake well, you would be wrong (and kinda perverted)! If you’re unfamiliar with what a unicorn is in Wide Awake… I’ll tell you when you’re older)

As a young married gal (not to a unicorn but to a guy who says stuff about rob) who runs a blog where unicorns like to lurk, I feel I am appropriate skilled in the art of making a unicorn. You can call me your guru, I won’t mind.

This Unicorn would like to be your lover

This Unicorn would like to be your lover

Step 1: (cut a hole in the box) Find yourself a male. Any male will do, but it would be best if he’s someone you could see yourself gettin’ it on with (cuz that’s what happens with me as your guru). Don’t worry if he seems a little out of your league. I’m the best at this, I assure you.

Step 2: Invite this outta-your-league guy over to your home. Tell him Ashley Greene is going to be there (“we’re going to lie”- name that quote!)

Step 3: Get him liquored up. Offer him any type of alcohol he’d like. When he asks where Ashley is, tell him she was swinging by to pick up Kristen, Rachelle & Nikki and they said to start without them.

Step 4: Keep him drinking until he passes out. Once he does, figure out a way to tie him up nice and tight. (An older brother or a burly man would be helpful in this step- ooh- you can ask the fat slob from your baseball date!)

Step 5:  When he awakens from his drunken slumber, tell him he isn’t allowed to leave until he reads all 4 books AND watches the movie (and the ET New Moon specials). If he resists, tell him the Twi-girls asked him too. Tell them they’ll reenact the scene in the middle of Eclipse when all the lesbian vampires get it on (“we’re going to lie”)

Step 6: A Unicorn is Born!

I was discussing this post with my husband trying to get some creative “how to make a unicorn” ideas and he said,

Mr. Choice:  A dude isn’t going to go hang out with some ugly chick and watch Twilight just because there’s beer there. Nobody likes beer that much.

Eff him. So I asked,

Me: What if it was a hot girl?

Mr. Choice: If he thought if he was going to be able to hook-up with her.”

Ask this Unicorn for a unicorn

Ask this Unicorn for a unicorn

As a result of this conversation I have another method for you to try which might possibly be more effective:

Step 1: Get hot (if you’re not already)

Step 2: Invite outta-your-league guy over to your home with no mention of Ashley Greene

Step 3: Tell him that if he watched Twilight with you, you’ll hook-up with him after.

Step 4: Ride ‘em hard.

Step 5: A unicorn is made (hopefully both kinds)

Told you I was a guru.

Love,
UnintendedChoice

Thanks to LaPush baby for the idea!

Coincidentally, the DAY I wrote this, ArmyUnicorn (our latest unicorn on LTT) wrote a how-to-guide for creating your own unicorn.  Although, I think mine is more realistic (and his doesn’t include Step #4 of my second method) his is kinda decent. Read after the jump!

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Stuff Guys say about Twilight – Mutemath guy watches the DVD

dvdcoverDear LTT gals and the guys they make suffer through the movie…

You all remember Mutemathlover right? Well he’s back again. When he told me last week he was going to watch Twilight the movie over the weekend I told him he definitely had to tell me his thoughts after he’d seen it. So when I got to work Monday he was the first person to IM me with news about Twilight and I couldn’t wait to hear what he had to say cause you know when a guy talks about Twilight it’s gonna be good!

The things guys think about in relation to Twilight are stuff I’d never even begin to ponder… like how Mike Newton and Eric Yorkie felt when Bella showed up at the prom with Edward after she lied to them and said she was gonna be in Jacksonville. No lie, he thought about it… read on…

Or how a certain body part of Edward’s must be spring loaded… trust me read on…

I think secretly… deep down guys like talking about Twilight… Ok, ok maybe not, but I think they get a kick out of it occasionally…. especially when they know we’re gonna talk about them!

So read on dear Unicorns and gals who tolerate love them,
Themoonisdown

Mutemathlover watched Twilight

lapushmutemathlover: K, just watched twilight. here it goes:
mutemathlover: all in all, it was an entertaining movie
themoonisdown: yes
mutemathlover: ill tell u what i didnt like: the plot grew wayyyyyyy too fast
mutemathlover: it made it unbelieveable
mutemathlover: the gaysian was dumb
mutemathlover: the baseball part was just plain retarded
themoonisdown: HAHAHAHAHA gaysian. funny though lots of people like that vampire baseball thing
themoonisdown: and yes all your points are pretty much mine and most people who see it.
themoonisdown: it drags at the beginning and then it’s like WOAH! too much
mutemathlover: the one good vampire with short hair was poorly written
mutemathlover: u could never quite figure out if she had other motives
themoonisdown: alice? short hair future seeing one?
mutemathlover: yea
themoonisdown: it’s like with all things, if you read the book you’d know that she “knows” a lot of stuff about bella, she knows theyre going to be friends so shes already acting that way and unfortunately the viewers doesnt always know that
themoonisdown: big assumption huh!
mutemathlover: cause that didnt make sense

On the nomadic vampires…

more mutemathlover insights after the cut…

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Stuff guys say about Twilight – Mutemath & Buttcrack Santa

Bringing good music to the twi-masses

Bringing good music to the twi-masses

Dear MuteMath –

Your music is converting men to Twilight… well maybe not converting them but at least making them ask questions and spread the LTT/LTR love! Your song “Spotlight” is part of one of my favorite scenes in the movie. You know the part where Edward and Bella arrive at school and Angela says “Oh My God!” and boom! CUE MUSIC!? Yup, that’s it. Seriously, one of my favorite moments that I’m going to be writing about in the future… Breakin’ All the Rules! Below you’ll find a convo I had with a guy friend who will be called “mutemathlover*” in this post who found out I co-wrote this blog by accident but then sent it along to his boss/admin (what a good guy!) who is into Twilight and apparently very cool… well you’ll see… ;)

We love your music!
Themoonisdown

twilightsoundtrackmutemathlover: the spotlight remix is terrible but Clockwork and earlylight are good
mutemathlover: its so weird they ended up on the twilight soundtrack
themoonisdown: mutemath is like one of the authors FAVORITE bands, so not terribly surprised they were on there. and they got a big push from the movie
mutemathlover: well, they are my fav. so….i guess I should see the movie
mutemathlover: have you seen them live?
themoonisdown: yes! and you should see the movie but you need to see it with someone who KNOWS the books
mutemathlover: everyone who has read the books has seen it already. LADYBOSSFRIEND* is reading the incomplete book right now i forget what its called?
themoonisdown: midnight sun!!
mutemathlover:
ah, yea
themoonisdown
: whos LADYBOSSFRIEND?
mutemathlover:
shes my admin
themoonisdown: cause midnight sun is like in my top 2 of the saga even thought it’s not complete.  so good, send her to our sites!
mutemathlover: i did, she loves it. she shit out her lunch laughing over buttcrack santa. I had no idea what she was talking about. she called me laughing. i was like “buttcrack santa????? LADYBOSSFRIEND, what the hell are you taking about?”
themoonisdown:  obviously this woman is a genius

*names have been changed to protect the innocent/slightly embarrassed

Listen to Mute Math after the cut
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Stuff my guy says about Twilight

Dear Twilight,

Over at LTR, we post about the funny things our guys say about Rob.  Well, my husband randomly said two hilarious things yesterday about YOU.

(Mr. D thinks I’m rediculous for loving Twilight, loving Rob and blogging obsessively about it. I often try to convince him I am awesome and not the crazy fan-girl he thinks I am)

Me: Some of the readers on the site think I should do stand up.
Mr. D: Oh, the same people who believe in vampires?

_______________________________________________________

(Back when I knew nothing about the Twilight movie (I was SUCH a fan of the books that I refused to read/listen to/watch anything movie-related because I was so sure it would suck. How I regret all that time I could’ve spend loving Rob) I got the soundtrack- not knowing it was Rob singing two songs. I thought it was Ray LaMontagne)

Me: (while listening to Sirius radio) Oh- turn it up. It’s Ray LaMontagne. I love him
Mr. D: You just like him because of that guy.
Me: Nuh uh. I’ve liked him for forever. Anyway, what guy are you talking about? What’s his name?
Mr. D: Jake. From your blog “LettersToJake”

Love,
UnintendedChoice

I’m taking a break and not reminding you about our Twi-alentine’s Day Contest today.

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