Breaking it Down: JoeAshley??

Dear UC & Moon,

I have been a fan of your blogs for almost two years now. You ladies are AMAZING!!! Although, I hate to admit, I am a total fan fail. I don’t comment on posts, I tried to join the forum but that only lasted 3 days (Fuck Me Fridays should come with a warning label-but I did manage to score Buttcrack Santa status in those few short days), and I have only emailed you twice during our relationship together (if I remember correctly, I actually admitted to you I sexually harassed my boss…please don’t talk to his lawyer if he calls). But I credit you with so much in my real life – I found a place where I could go to escape when I needed to take a break from RL, by reading (lurking) your sites I found the strength and courage to make a HUGE move this year professionally and personally, and you have ALWAYS allowed me to start each and every day with a smile (well until you pulled that “we are only posting 3 or 4 times a week shizz). In my eyes, everything you ladies do is FABULOUS and you are Blog Goddesses!!!

Until now…..

I am disappointed in you. There I’ve said it. I feel like the little girl who has held her daddy up on a pedestal and then at the age of 13 attends a junior high Alcohol and Drug Awareness program only to come away with the realization that daddy is always in a good mood for a reason.

Allow me to explain. I feel as though you have missed an opportunity to break-it down. I have totally been cheated of a breaking it down post!!! Perhaps, Rob’s shenanigans have had you overwhelmed and busy (Road Trip, London, and the beard-yep he’s been a busy boy *insert sarcasm link here*). Well, since you ladies have had your hands full and completely overlooked the most important news in the TwiFandom since Nikki caught a VD from Paris (I know it is true because you ladies would never spread untrue or disparaging remarks about Lady Reed- yep *insert sarcasm link* again), I will take over and break it down myself cause my daddy always told me if you want something done you have to do it yourself. Yep, he said this every time my mom came home from the grocery store without a case of Michelob.

Breaking It Down (kinda) – JoeAshley

A JoBro couldn’t possibly know how to handle this!!!

I had heard rumblings of Ashley Green being wooed by Joe Jonas (seriously?). Like so many others I dismissed this as just another Perez Hilton ecstasy induced delusion.

Then a picture was released of the two of them actually together. I decided this definitely needed further investigation so I immediately went the experts – LTT. If there was any truth to these nasty rumors about Ashley, the fab duo of UC and Moon would surely have a post about it. NOTHING. So I dismissed this as just a business luncheon between Ms. Green and Mr. Jonas to discuss their upcoming movie “Camp Rock 7” in which Ashley will be starring as the camp counselor in charge of body paintings.

 

Then a week later yet another pic was posted of Ashley attending a JoBro concert?? This from the same girl who attended the Kings of Leon concert??? I was so confused and out of sorts that I again sought the wisdom of the pros at LTT. And once again…NADA. So I rationalized – she was just in town with nothing/no one better to do so she decided attending would be a good way to build a great working relation with her soon-to-be costar.

Just when I thought this whole thing was over and done and the day glow paint on my daughter’s homemade “Camp Rock 7″ tee was dry (don’t judge-those HotTopic shirts are expensive and I’m a single mom on a budget), THE KISS HAPPENED (I mean it kinda looked like a kiss). I thought to myself that this could NOT be happening! I mean this is the same girl that played Tonsil Hockey with CHASE “EFF ME HARD” CRAWFORD and apparently came[out] on top. Now she is sharing chaste pecks with Joe “Eyebrow” Jonas? These things just don’t exist…not in my world.

And again, I went to LTT expecting a complete, honest, and accurate breakdown of the events. SILENCE!!! Once again the goddesses had let me down by not breaking down. And again I was forced to come up with my own convoluted excuse of what was going on with our girl Ashley. I decided that Ashley is so smoking hot that she was going to prove that she can nail anyone anywhere (cause that’s what I would do if I were her). She wanted to be the one to strip Joe of that purity ring. She was going to deflower this 22 year old virgin and then wear a t-shirt saying “Yeah I tapped that”.

Just when I thought I couldn’t take any more in this the Joashley saga, something appeared like a gift from the paparazzi gods (since the goddesses from LTT weren’t delivering the goods). With this one picture, the explanation I had so long been searching for (and did I mention, unable to find on LTT??) was revealed to me…..

Ashley, my Ashley, has crossed over to the dark side….she has been brainwashed by Disney. In her new Disney contract, it states they will employ any means necessary to clean up her image. Thus, implementing project “Extreme Makeover-Slutty Image Edition”. Purity ring wearing, non-manscaping, boyfriend? Check. Disney Starlet BFF? Check, Check.

Ash…is that you baby???

So there you have it. Cause I know EVERYONE is anxiously awaiting the scoop (yeah another *insert sarcasm button* required). Even Jackson is so confused he doesn’t know rather to wind his butt or scratch his watch….

Ash…is that you baby???

Whew…I’m glad that is finally done! So I forgive you this time, UC and Moon. I know I shouldn’t expect you to be in all places at all times. I shouldn’t hold you on the pedestal that I do….after all there is a WHOLE LOTTA booze down here to share. I love you guys!!!!!

TicketGirl

To TicketGirl, all our precious LTT readers, Ashley, Joe Jonas & Miley Cyrus: We need to ask your forgiveness. We forgot the cardinal rule of breaking-it-down blogging: Never ever EVER let an opportunity go by when you could make fun of the hook-ups between Twilight stars & Disney virgins. We have no excuse. We know there isn’t much we can say to make it better. We just hope you forgive us so we can move forward. We vow to never make that mistake again. In fact, we’re going to start praying for a Kellan & Demi Lovato hook up. Or Kellan and that boy from Sonny with a Chance- we’ll take either.

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

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The latest & the greatest Twilight news brought to you by LTT

Dear Twilighters, Twihards & LTTers,

Have you felt out of the loop? Summer has been busy, Eclipse left the theater long ago (did it? I have no idea) and Robsten drama is sooooo yesterday’s news no one even cares to talk about them anymore. Well, to my surprise, when I did a little research for today’s letter, I found that, in fact, there is stuff still going on in the fandom. And some of it isn’t boring! Let’s jump right to it:

Ashley Greene films movie called L.O.L. in Paris with Miley Cyrus

I guess this film is about 2 girls who start a sexy girl “Happy Hands” club. I mean what else could it mean when Ashley Greene makes jazz hands while showing off the top of her bra? In other news, Ashley Greene is making awesome career choices. L.O.L.? Miley Cyrus? Seriously? Maybe she just signed on because it’s in Paris & she really wanted an almond croissant. I could understand that.

Rami Malek is cast as Benjamin in Breaking Dawn

And we all scramble to dust off our Breaking Dawn books to remember who in the H Benjamin is so we could sound intelligent when discussing the latest Twi-news around the dinner table. Can’t remember who borrowed your BD book (seriously. who has mine?) I’ll help you out: Benjamin is from the Egyptian coven & is the vampire with the ability to influence the elements: fire, water, earth & air. Oh yeah… him! That’s what I said when I first found out who he was. I was in a sarcastic tone because seriously. I barely remember him. I guess it’s time to re-read Breaking Dawn (seriously!? WHO HAS MY BOOK!?)

Upon further research from the Twilight Saga Wiki, it looks like Ben was created by Amun who is extremely overprotective of him and terrified of the idea of him joining another coven. Sounds like Amun wants Ben for a lover if you ask me. But it turns out Ben already has a lover: Tia. Tia, of course, means “Aunt” in Spanish. So Ben’s lover is his aunt, and Amun, his creator wants him in the Biblical sense. Things get freaky over there across the Nile!

And a BONUS: If you look past the fact that he kinda resembles a younger Brendan Fraser, Rami he is pretty cute too! Whoo hoo! More man meat to drool over in this fandom!

The Twidom tries to kill me

Be still my British flag waving heart

PopSugar: Gossip Girl’s hot! We all love it.

Ed Westwick: Maybe if I had vampire teeth.

PopSugar: Maybe you need to play a vampire with that other hot Brit.

Ed Westwick: We should play brothers. Me and Rob Pattinson should play brothers.

PopSugar: In Breaking Dawn?

Ed Westwick: Is that the next one? I’ll put the call in. Let’s do it.

And I start begging Stephenie Meyer to “suddenly” remember that Edward Cullen had a brother who was “saved” from Spanish influenza by another vampire family so Ed Westwick could be in this role & my British fantasies could come true. Well, I guess I need to also have her introduce me to the two Brits and leave me alone with them in a hotel room for a couple hours. Fingers crossed.

An adorable little girl is rumored to be up for the role of Renesemee

Question on Renesmee application this parent got right: “Does your child have an inappropriate relationship with a boy” Check.

And then we start praying even HARDER. The demon-baby spawn of Bella & Edward not only chews her way out of Bella’s womb, is imprinted on by a grown man, but is a child old enough to attend Kindergarten!? HOW DO THEY THINK THIS IS GOING TO WORK? RENESEMEE WILL NOT MAKE ANY FRIENDS IN SCHOOL. SHE WILL BE THE WEIRD LITTLE GIRL WHO TOUCHES THE OTHER KIDS FACES & HAS NO DESIRE TO PLAY WITH DOLLS BUT REALLY REALLY LIKES JOHNNY JR.S DOG THAT HE BRINGS FOR SHOW-AND-TELL. LIKE CREEPILY LOVES IT. SHE ACTUALLY LETS HIM OFF HIS LEASH DURING RECESS & RIDES HIM AROUND THE PLAYGROUND. THEN ANOTHER DOG- OR SOMETHING THAT LOOKS LIKE A DOG- SHOWS UP AND GETS UPSET. A DOG FIGHT ENSUES. THE WEIRD KINDERGARTNER CHEERS ON THE SECOND DOG. HE WINS. JOHNNY JUNIOR WATCHES HIS BELOVED COCKER-SPANIEL, POOCHIE, GET EATEN ALIVE BY A BIGGER DOG. AND RENESMEE IS THE YOUNGEST GIRL TO BE THROWN INTO JUVENILE DETENTION. THIS IS A PROBLEM. I DON’T KNOW WHY I’M SCREAMING. BUT IT FEELS APPROPRIATE.

That’s all your Twilight news, brought to you by LTT, always a reliable source!

Love,
UnintendedChoice

Thanks to Breaking Dawn Movie for always having the best news (and lots of good pictures too!)

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

171 Commented


Twilight Rumors

Not a rumor- a dream

Dear Gossip hounds,

A few weeks back I got a frantic IM chat from a friend saying BREAKING NEWS: The Twilight saga ends on 11/16/2012. My immediate thought was, “Breaking? Didn’t that break months ago?” And as I thought more about it…. I don’t know. I definitely knew the Twilight Saga was wrapping in November of 2012- or maybe that was a rumor I heard once. Orrrr maybe someone in the know told me. Maybe Stephenie Meyer wrote it on a slip of paper & passed it to us under the table at the interview and we were like, “Seriously? We ask you for the Robsten audition tape so we can burn it and you give us this?” or maybe I actually didn’t know that date and just assumed that to be the case? Because that’s what Harry Potter did (and Summit realizes they should copy them since they’re kinda successful) or I’m just way too involved in this fandom that I have a sense about these kind of things. I get a tingly feeling & just know the Twi-future. Call me Alice.

Then I got to thinking- I don’t know what’s real, rumor or secretive anymore. I mean, IS it public knowledge that Ashley Greene & Joe Jonas are together? Or is that just still a rumor circulating among the gossip rags? And is it actually true or do I just want it to be true- a former Disney star with a purity ring giving it up to an up-and-coming star too beautiful to be already desperate enough to date someone born in the 90s (who just yesterday turned old enough to legally knock back a few shots before she shows him what’s underneath that painted on bathing suit)  And don’t even get me started on all the rumors we’ve been told about different Twi cast members being gay. (Some obvious, some not so obvious, some that we spent an entire weekend laughing over until we decided it couldn’t be true- or wait, could it!? Sorry- mums the word!) I mean unless it’s Rob- does anyone honestly really care? Well, maybe we’d care if we found out Taylor was too… because that would make so much sense.

So I started thinking about all the rumors I’ve heard over the past almost 2 years and I came up with quite a list…. mostly about Robsten… and people Ashley may or may not have slept with… Did I miss anything?

  • Why would you cheat on me? Do I look special or something?

    Rob & Nikki are together

  • Rob & Kristen are hooking up behind Oregano’s back
  • Kristen & Nikki are more than friends (I started that one, thank you very much)
  • Nikki sold out Rob & Kristen
  • Kristen is pregnant
  • Ashley’s hooked up with Kellan
  • Ashley’s hooked up with Jackson
  • Ashley’s dating Jared from Kings of Leon (and assumingly has hooked up with him)
  • Rob & Kristen are together
  • Rob & Kristen are no longer together
  • Rob & Kristen- BACK ON
  • No one likes Nikki Reed
  • Jackson hooks up with anyone & everyone
  • Rob & Kristen like to hold hands
  • Kellan is sticking his tongue down that Anna girl’s throat
  • Taylor is with Taylor Swift
  • Taylor is gay
  • Justin Chon is gay
  • David Slade is gay
  • People still don’t like Nikki Reed. And possibly don’t like Elizabeth Reeser either

    Why don't people like me!?

  • Peter & Jennie are swingers
  • Twi (male) cast member in Vancouver put ad in Craig’s list for Asian male companionship
  • Big Daddy Lautner wears a fat suit (he’s actually really in shape)
  • Chris Hansen likes little boys
  • Nikki Reed started a blog so that people like her
  • A cat will play Edward Cullen in Breaking Dawn parts 1 & 2
  • Buttcrack Santa: What does he really do with those little bottles?
  • UnintendedChoice to replace Kristen Stewart as Bella in Breaking Dawn Parts 1 & 2 (for this rumor to be true the Edward Cullen played by a cat is not true)
  • Rob & Kristen open mouth kiss before heading into house parties where dirty men’s sweatpants are considered appropriate attire.

Okay so maybe I took some creative liberties on a few rumors… but most of them I’ve honestly heard at one time or another… So all that to say, this is what I have to say about the BREAKING NEWS about Breaking Dawn Part 2 that I may or may not have already known:

“Holy Shit. I seriously have to talk about this every day for another effing 2 and 1/2 years?”

Hold me,

UnintendedChoice

Beg all you want, some rumors stay with me- but seriously… what have you heard that came true or was proved wrong? Any good rumors circulating out there right now? Was there an immaculate conception of the Robsten baby by the open mouth house party kiss? Fingers crossed!

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

70 Commented


The Twilight cast visits Belgium. Wait where?

I asked LTT friends Alice & Bella from funny, snarky site NotanAddikt (RIP!) to take meticulous notes when Twilight descended upon Belgium. Yes, that’s right- the land of the waffles, beer and monks got a Twilight actor more famous than Philadelphia did (Sorry Jackson & wolf that came with him) Here is their tale:

Dear Summit,

We don’t know who bribed you into sending Ashley Greene and Xavier Samuel to Belgium, of all places, for the Eclipse premiere, but we sure are greatful. We don’t usually get many US celebrities around here in Belgium. We may be home to the capital of Europe, the best chocolate in the world and a different brand of beer for every day of the year, but the closest we usually get to Hollywood celebrities is when they jet by on their way from London to Paris. We’re not a particularly proud or easily offended nation, so we shrug and turn to YouTube for our Tinseltown fixes. But holy canoly, heavenly forces gathered, planets aligned and Sauron himself must have sent a recommendation letter for Belgium to you, because here they were!

After some resistance from Alice (“I don’t want to go stand between throngs of shrieking teens to see celebrities! I’m better than that!” – she’s such a Bella sometimes) we finally decided to brave the rabid Belgian twihards and purchased tickets for the three-movie marathon in Antwerp that Ashley and Xavier and three-thousand Belgian and Dutch twiteens would attend. (It was the spotting of crazies that finally did Alice in.) We were told that Ash and Xavier would arrive at 7pm, but were recommended to come around 4pm to make sure we got good spots and enjoyed the animation beforehand. Here’s how our day went down…

4:00pm: Alice and Bella are happily shopping in downtown Antwerp.

5:30pm: Alice and Bella are still happily shopping in downtown Antwerp…

6:00pm: Alice and Bella have a long debate about whether to just go for a quick dessert at Wagamama where they had lunch, whether to get another dinner (gotta get that protein in there!), or whether to get their lazy post-menstrual asses to the theatre and just survive on an XL bucket of popcorn and chips.

We obviously had the red mullet special

6:30pm: After half an hour of debating what to do – in which they could have easily had the dang dessert (white chocolate cheese cake with raspberry coulis, y’all) – they realize that it’s just an ordinary weekday for all other normal Belgians, and they’ll be stuck in traffic on the way to the theatre and will likely miss the arrival of Ashley and Xavier (and let’s face it, movie snacks are also deliciously good in all their crappiness).

6:35pm: Alice and Bella hit themselves and each other over the head for their stupidity, while rushing through the supermarket to get big bottles of water to avoid forking out a fortune for expensive tiny diet cokes in the theatre to compensate the excessive salt intake in the near future.

6:45pm: Alice and Bella are stuck in traffic.

Of course an Eclipse poster had to whisk by on a bus to remind us of what we were about to miss

6:50pm: Alice and Bella realize they have never been to the theater in Antwerp, and hence don’t exactly know where it is. Bella works up the balls to ask a bald guy in a convertible where the theatre is at the red light. Bald guy flirts with Alice and Bella. Alice and Bella get directions and take off with screeching tires.

Does Belgium throw an Eclipse event to rival the US!? Find out after the jump! Continue…

103 Commented


Open Weekend Post: Hosted by Ashley and Kellan… let’s not make this awkward

Oh hey Jackson, we're just going to play board games...

Dear Ashley and Kellan,

I was just perusing the pictures of you two in Women’s Health Magazine. Besides the fact that I love how much you love women Kellan: the Twicons, the Mammogram videos, shoots for WOMEN’S Health Magazine, it just seems like Ashley called you up and asked you to come “help out” and hang with her for the afternoon because someone else wasn’t available or she was bored. I do just love you and Ashley together but I have one question… does it ever get awkward? I mean between you two… you both say you’re such great friends and you hang out and have board game nights (people after my own heart!) and whatever but what happens when you’re on these shoots and your hand’s like right near the “kill zone” and what do you say when you know Ashley tells people if she was stranded on a deserted island with only one cast member she’d choose JACKSON. The catfish, Jackson and not super hot, Jesus lovin’ Kellan? And Ashley why are you waiting around for super whore Jackson? He’s too busy touring in a band with a dude in a banana costume to come to game night! Stop waiting by the phone!

So are you guys friends… friends with benefits… beards (ahem)… or maybe it’s just you’re both who you call when the one you really want isn’t available. AnnaLynn’s sluttin’ it up around town doing whatever she does and Jackson sluttin’ it up around the US “on tour” with the 100 Monkeys or pushing Airbender and trying not to get killed in a protest about how it’s racist. I know UC and I almost were outside the Arclight last week.

I mean look at these…

Wait, we’re just friends right?


“I love Jesus and Ashley… I mean AnnaLynn… and Jesus”


Hey Kellan, can you wheel that thing over here faster I gotta meet up with Jackson in like an hour.


You wanna be on a deserted island with WHO?

Now I definitely know you can just be friends with someone but if either of you ever suggests spin the bottle or 7 minutes in heaven or hid the salami at the next friendly board game night it might be time to DTR. Just Sayin’.

Your friend with no benefits,
Themoonisdown

So what IS with these two? Sure they say they’re friends but I don’t know if that’s the vibe I get. And HOT DAMN Kellan! Whew. Happy weekend to us all!

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

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