Since things have finally heated up on the Twilight front aka they went back to Vancouver where the own cameras there’s been a deluge of pictures and info and whatnot that we’re just trying to keep up on! Just trying to stay afloat with all of Rob’s nonsense has made this a full time job of alligator wrangling and pondering the deeper meaning of his Vanity Fair interview. Is he joking? Is he sad? What kind of dog IS Martin? There is A LOT going on in Rob world but it’s time to tackle the other folks so let’s take a look at what’s going on in Twiland (kinda like Disneyland minus the churros and general happiness).
Ain’t no lie baby…
The Wolfpack has been longing for the late 90s and the days of boybands like NSYNC, BackStreet Boys and whoever else lived in Florida at that time and met a fat man named Lou. They decided in their spare time to work on their harmonies and found out they were so amazing they formed their very own boyband called 108 Degrees!
That’s the boys on their way to record their soon-to-be hit singles “Bite Bite Bite” and “Imprinting On Your Heart.” Oh, and that’s their manager… Gil “Lou” Birmingham. Looks like Vancouver is the new Orlando. .
Then I watched the trailer for Kellan’s new film: Love, Wedding, Marriage
Dude forget Robsten on the bearskin rug give me Kellan on Mandy Moore or give me death. DAYUM. That thing should come with a warning label. Dang. When does this come out? .
What a sport this guy is…
Accepting his Razzie awards for both Last Airbender AND his portrayal of Jasper. But does it seem to anyone else the mini stroke has affected his mouth again with the marble mouth/southern sorta accent/side talking thing? Also I’m totally crossing my fingers for Nikki Reed to direct a 100 Monkey’s music video. Just ponder the possibilities of that for a few minutes this Friday… .
I know, take a moment……………… yes, it’s true our favorite director from the Twilight saga has come back to us with a vengeance tweeting about everything, being in Argentina, his CUTE CUTE CUTE kid, answering questions and even responding to our own forum mod JodieO and and78 (those bitches!). Ok, clearly I’m jealous because he hasn’t responded to me and I even foresake ROBERT PATTINSON and his weird alligator magazine cover to tweet Chris instead. BUT WHATEVER I forgive him when he says he’s more like a Mike Welch or Gran and then tweets weird ass pictures of cats. And the mustard pants who could EVER EVER EVER forget the mustard pants? They will go down in Twiforklore and maybe have their own special wing of the Twilight Hall of Fame someday. .
So enough of my slobbering all over Chris Weitz how about we beg the wolfpack to sing some New Kids on the block for us?
Be honest did you tweet naughty things to Chris Weitz (i did!!!)? Are Jackson’s multiple voice personalities started to worry you? Will you catch 108 Degrees when they tour? Does anyone other than me know who Lou Pearlman is?!
I was just reading this lovely Hollywood Reporter post yesterday about your movie studio, Summit’s money woes in trying to get their business refinanced. Now, of course we don’t know anything about how this all works and how money is made and spent and financiers but UC and I got to talking after I sent her the link. She asked me if, after all this Twilight stuff, after all it’s success, after all the clams it made and after all the stuff we went through, if I could imagine if Summit folded. I honestly laughed thinking it might just be the best ending for this whole thing. Of course I don’t wish any ill will and hope they keep on making shiz, but it made me laugh and also made me think about the future of the rest of the cast, people involved and Stephenie herself . Our conversation made me think of one of my favorite Conan O’Brien skits called “In the Year 2000” where he and a guest would dress up in weird futuristic space capes and talk about what will happen in the future while they held flashlights pointed at their chin. Amazing. Of course.
So let’s fast forward to the year 2000 and see what happens after Summit folds and Twilight the movies are no more…
Rob quits acting and moves into into a hovel with TomStu where they form a Jackson Rathbone/100 Monkey’s-esque performance troupe and tour the country side of small eastern block european countries. They are begged by the Russian government to be specimens in a body odor experiment
Kristen moves to the the way west valleto take over her mom’s wolf hybrid breeding business with her life partner
After being dumped by every goodie two shoes in Hollywood, Taylor Lautner vows to a life of celibacy and becomes the Christian Tom Cruise
Catherine Hardwicke is finally blackballed from every major media outlet after continuing to rant on about the Robsten audition tape long after no gave a crapsten anymore. She moves to Puerto Vallerta to meet some groovy Mexican beach bums and films her passion project: a documentary about the creator of the Margarita
Stephenie Meyer lets loose and bares her shoulders while on a weekend wine tasting trip WITH US to Napa. Oh yes, she starts drinking. Who wouldn’t after all this?
Ashley Greene will become the next Jennifer Aniston complete with wildly popular tv series, a string of movies where she plays the same character (herself), a failed marriage to Joe Jonas/Kellan Lutz/whoever and spends her days jetting to Mexico thinking about her cats and “the one that got away” (Spoiler: Jackson Rathbone).
Jackson Rathbone runs away to join the circus as a one-man-band after he learns that Ashley Greene (aka “The one that got away) is marrying Joe Jonas/Kellan Lutz/Whoever.
Justin Chon becomes the biggest movie star in the world!
Big Daddy – After becoming a contestant on The Biggest Loser and getting his butt kicked by new trainer and LTT reader Olivia he becomes the Subway/Jared-esque spokesperson for McDonalds new GRILLED fish sandwich.
Solomon Trimble – Yea, I just don’t think I can make a manager at the Home Depot joke. He ran away to Puerto Vallerta with Cathi to be her pool boy / key grip / Margarite pour-er.
Xavier Samuel will still be hot.
Dakota Fanning will win her 239th consecutive Homecoming Queen title even thought she will have graduted decades prior.
So what started out as an innocent convo about what the hale is happening with this refinancing turned into something we just had to share. Because really WHAT will they be doing after Twilight is all over… your guess is as good as ours!
OMG stop the presses and hand me my heart meds because apparently there IS one person in Baton Rouge with a camera!!!!! I know this is shocking for you all too since no one’s seen an outsider since the town was established hundreds of years ago and so of course new fangeled technology like a camera must be frightening. But come here, I’ll hold you while we get over our surprise and shock and fear.
Sure it may be Jackson Rathbone with a fan near a See’s Candy Store but STILL it is SOMETHING! This gives me hope for your city and that maybe this little fan moment is a turning point. Maybe Jackson and his weird hat and Jasper-esque jacket (you are not on set Jacky!) broke down the walls for everyone to start snapping those shutters and maybe we’ll just be in a deluge of pictures till they leave… Or maybe I’m entranced by Jackson’s awkward facial expression in this picture and Vancouver and their paps will wipe the floor with your silly town.
PS I still love you Baton Rouge, but hire some girl scouts with cameras or out of work mall Santas to take some pictures.
Who’s ready for some premarrital counseling?!
OK, SOMEONE call up Beyonce cause someone put a ring on it! Fess up Kellan, was it AnnaLynn? Was she tired of dodging in and out of that shady no-tell motel in Studio City or did you finally throw the ultimatum down: If she didn’t watch the entire McGee & Me series with you, it was done-zo, am I right?
No? It’s for a new film you’re in? Damn….
Dear Nikki and Kristen,
WAIT HOLD THE PHONE, someone grab my meds (again) are the fake lesbians back on?!!!!
You, Nikki Reed were quoted in something called Zink, talking about going to a party…
“I went with Kristen [Stewart, her Twilight co-star], who happens to be, like, my best friend now…”
Wait, squeeze me one second. Happens to be your best friend now? Operative word being “NOW.” Did we bury the hatchet ladies? Is this why the Fake Lesbian section in the LTT merch store mysteriously sold out? I gotta say I’m happy for you gals and for the fodder you HOPEFULLY will give us: sharing clothes, fights over ugly Nike’s, hand-in-hand jaunts through Vancouver, shopping trips where Taylor holds you purses while you’re in the dressing room! Or will it be smoothies and working out like you and Elizabeth Reaser in Vancouver during Eclipse filming, now? And this brings up another question, “What about Elizabeth?!” This is a bittersweet happiness. I am glad you two love birds are back together again.
As you can see there’s been some surprising news in the Twidom. What’s the best? A actual picture from Baton Rouge, Kellan with a ring or the FL’s back together again or whatever they are…
Since it’s that time of year when we start to wrap up 2010 and think about 2011, I was thinking about recapping the past year of Twilight. But then I thought to myself, “Wow… how incredibly boring, UC. Anyone who is a reader of LTT knows exactly what happened in the world of Twilight in 2010 and exactly when it happened (and probably what they were wearing at the time).” So I thought, why don’t I recap what should have happened in 2010? We’re all about the fanatical fantasy here at LTT, so why stop now? I give you: Twilight in 2010: What should have happened!
The 100 Monkeys broke up. As a result the Goodwill received an onslaught of “Monkey bags,” and past concert goers stopped fleeing to their Doctors complaining of ‘bleeding ears”
Kellan came out of the closet. Then went to Christian Gay camp & learned how to resist the urge. Then was caught at the Eco-lodge with a man. Coincidentally it was his counselor from Christian Gay camp.
Swiftner became a bigger celeb couple than Robsten. A Karate video was produced to a country music soundtrack, selling more than Justin Bieber’s latest album. A pre-teen war ensued. A lot of Jonas Brothers sleeping bags were destroyed. I think. Do tweens still like the JoBros?
BigDaddy realized that the Olive Garden is much better when UC & Moon are there to share his breadsticks. TWSS.
Midnight Sun was finished and as a result, for a full 12 hours, not a woman over the age of 10 was seen in public.
The media & public realized Robsten are a really boring couple (Is it “Robsten are?” or “Robsten is”? Is this in the dictionary somewhere? “How do you properly formulate a sentence using the plural form of Robsten?” Does anyone know? Do you think Summit knows? Do you think they have a guy in their office just to grammatically correct all the “Robsten” sentences they write? Most importantly, how does the CEO address Robsten when he makes photo-shopped manips of the two of them to send to his wife on humpday?
“TwiPorn” and “RobPorn” went back to their original meanings: Pictures of Twilight male characters doing chores around the house. Much more boring, much more safe for work, plus you feel better about yourself after seeing Peter Fach vacuuming instead of opening an email attachment to see Kellan holding a huge scholong with the caption “Bite this.”
Catherine Hardwicke made a movie that looked nothing like Twilight
These pants will be EVERYWHERE this spring
Chris Weitz showed up in public again to introduce his men’s fashion line called “DILF,” featuring a limited edition mustard-colored pant
Rob’s head was not photo-shopped onto the bodies of any men who also do gay porn.
Stephenie called Pancho “Nacho” in public. Coincidentally they were eating Mexican at the time.
Someone finally admitted visiting Forks is actually kinda boring.
Ashley Greene hooked up with Ian Somerhalder reminding us that what she does best is sleep with men we could never get and bringing more pretty into our lives & giving us (more) excuses to write about Ian.
I mean, is it just me or was 2010 a pretty boring year for the cast? We had a little Swiftner. I think Nikki Reed probably slept with a douche bag. Kellan hooked up with Anna-Lynne again. Jackson fell in love with me, the Twilight Superfan, in Philadelphia & Boo-Boo Stewart’s voice dropped 3 whole notes, but I think that’s it. No one even cares about Ashley & Joe Jonas. Catherine barely tried to remind us that she created Robsten. For as much shit as he talked on Twi before he got the Eclipse directing gig, David Slade turned out to be really boring. Solomon Trimble’s life is kinda too sad to even make fun of anymore, and Chris Hansen and Boo-Boo Stewart jokes just aren’t as funny as they were with Taylor Lautner. Come on Twilight in 2011, you BETTER give us SOMETHING good!
What did I miss? What else (should have) happened in the world of Twilight in 2010!?
Oh- We don’t want to forget to tell you, starting January 3rd the Biggest Loser challenge on the Forum (renamed “Resolutionary Challenge 2011”) is kicking off: Make sure you join everyone if you’re looking for fun, encouragement & healthy living in 2011!!! Resolutionary Challenge 2011
A few weeks ago we received this email in our LTT inbox:
Love the site but am relatively new to it, so I’ve got to ask; What’s the deal with the Olive Garden? I tried searching the site but… FAIL. I give, what’s it about?
Ah- I LOVE newbies! Because it reminds me #1 that not everyone has been around for 2 years so it’s good to stop and explain and #2 reminds me of why we started jokes in the first place. Because when I thought about it, I couldn’t even remember why the Olive Garden joke got started. Was it that we assumed that the Lautner family would frequent the walls of Tuscan deliciousness before family game night every Friday when Taylor was in town? It’s not a hard guess- I mean, who doesn’t love their unlimited breadsticks & choice of salad or minestrone soup? Or did we run with that joke after Taylor admitted to falling prey to the suburban chain of deliciousness? Perhaps we’ll never know. Most likely we ran with it after Taylor mentioned loving the chain in like 2-3 interviews, but I like to think that a love for overly-buttered, 2000-calorie pasta meals is just something we share with the entire Lautner family.
Then just a few days ago, we got another request for clarification:
I was just reading your FAQ, and I wanted to ask you something: why do you refer to Big Daddy Lautner’s obsession as with the Fish-o-Filet? As someone who’s mom works at McD’s, I know it’s Filet-o-Fish. Is this some inside joke that I don’t get?
Tammy (not TammyO)
Well, Tammy who isn’t TammyO (more on her later!), I have no idea. I don’t know what I call it. Somedays I think I write that Big Daddy likes a Big Mac. Is that not the same thing? I have no idea. I avoid McDonald‘s at all costs except on road trips. Cuz sometimes at 6 am you just really need a egg & biscuit sammy so that 30 minutes down the interstate you have to pull over in a panic, grab a roll of toilet paper & find some bushes to go do your business. It’s just clear to everyone who knows him who gazes at pictures of Taylor in hopes to see glimpses of him that Big Daddy loves him some McDs. Apologize to your mom & Ronald McDonald for my mistake. And for using the egg & biscuit sammy as a colon cleanser.
Speaking of TammyO– we might as well fill in you newbies (and remember those infamous days together) on who SHE was. Or is. She very well could be trying to comment on this post. We’ll never know because she was the only commenter ever blacklisted. Yes- that’s right- it’s impossible for TammyO to ever make contact with LTT again. It’s kinda sad. I mean, what if after all this time she is a believer in Swiftner & wants to join the campaign on reaching out to Taylor Lautner to let him know that Tay Swift is DTF? I forget the details, but TammyO came out as one of the biggest Robstener-Krisbians of all time. Like if Robsten had a mother, it would be TammyO. And we’re all for people who bring varied conversation & differing opinions, but TammyO went one step further & started attacking our beloved commenters. We’ll allow (and dish out) celeb attacks. We’ll take personal attacks, but we won’t let you attack each other (well, we try not to!) Unless you’re JanetRigs, of course.
Well, look at that! A transition into Janetrigs & all the HATE we have for her here at LTT. That’s just perfect. Jane is an LTT original who lives in DC & does not shy away from controversy. She is prone to late night drunken tweets to the LOD (more on them later), @Twilight and D list celebrities like Brody Jenner. She often takes a theme or title from an LTT post and creates a whole other persona based on it. She copied entire LTR letters and posted them on her “Letters 2 Alex” blog about Alex Skarsgard under the pen-name “VeryMuchIntendedChoice.” And just the other week when Moon talked about Wyck Godfrey (Twilight producer), Jane started the twitter account Letters2Wyck. The thing is….. we don’t actually hate Janetrigs. In fact, we love her and consider her a dear friend. One time I went to DC for work & she picked me up in her old car & took me to get drunker than I already was from my work dinner. And I talked about gentrification- something she will remind me of for the rest of my life. It’s okay though. I found out about her immense fear for Historical re-enactors and promised to make Benjamin Franklin pop up in odd places for the rest of her life. This will be the last time you hear me mention how we actually like Janetrigs. That’s too weird. We hate her. (Oh, why do we hate her? I can’t remember- perhaps Letters2Wyck will explain it in the comments today. She started hating us, therefore we starting hating her, and the rest is history)
That’s Normal: I remember the first time Moon said it like it was yesterday. I don’t remember the story exactly, but I do know that I was sitting on her bed, explaining a story a reader had sent to us about when she met Rob. It had something to do with Rob’s reaction to our reader that was not normal. But Moon heard the story, misunderstood me, got mad or jealous of this reader and said sarcastically, “What? That’s Normal” And once she finally understood what I was saying, we died of laughter- because it wasn’t normal. And the rest is history. “That’s Normal” became the mantra of all LTTers. When something isn’t normal but is done enough by us to become normal, well, then That’s Normal. It’s a lifestyle- do you live it?
Magic by the fireplace– Ah- one of my favorite things to talk about. It’s so warm & fuzzy & cuddly- especially if you’re sitting on a bear skin rug. But honestly, I can’t remember where it came from. I know that “magicness” was a term used to describe Robsten by someone who desperately needs a boyfriend. And we just thought it was such a beautiful & perfect description of a relationship that absolutely no one but the couple has any insight into, that we decided to run with it. We added the fireplace where they make love, the bearskin rug upon which the love is made, and the rest is history. I hope & pray that things will continue to be added. For example, let’s come up with something right now- I bet after all the sweet, sweaty love making in front of the burning embers, Robsten is quite thirsty. I’m sure they keep a few bottles of Don Pérignon on hand for such an occasion, don’t you? Or maybe to get in the holiday spirit they actually just warm a kettle of spiked cider over the fire. Burning sparks, bear skin, sex, champy & cider- you see the magicness too now, don’t you?!
Someone who shouldn’t be participating in any sort of magic by the fireplace until there’s a wedding band on his finger is KellanLutz. Early on in our LTT career (like the day before we started) we noticed through interviews & videos that Kellan, despite his good looks, chiseled body & hairless frame, seemed less like the frat boy one would assume & more like that hot guy in youth group who was nice to even the slow girls. This was further proven when he mentioned his favorite book was “The Purpose Driven Life”- #1 Best selling book by Christian powerhouse author Rick Warren. We just knew we were right about Kellan’s past- he was a good ol’ Christian boy, lost in the big, wide world of “sinful” Los Angeles. Since we first hypothesized of Kellan’s past & the #1 item on his prayer list (Stay pure today (aka Stay away from Anna-Lynn McCord)), Kellan has delighted us by talking about missions trips, signing on to speak at Christian conferences (that were sadly canceled. Probably after co-speaker Ashley Greene’s naked photo-shoot came out) and giving us just enough information to google-stalk his family & find out which church his parents attend (oh, did we never mention that part?)
Well, newbies- THAT should get you started! There’s plenty more that we talk about here on LTT that would make no sense to someone new, but we’ll play this game again. Oh, and our FAQs are always a nice place to find out our history too!
Have any LTT questions? What’s a joke that was started & you’ve been too embarrassed to admit you don’t get? It’s LTT History day today in the comments!