Stop reporting me to the FBI

It’s been awhile since Kristen has heard from anyone at LTT, so today we’re fixing that!

Dear Kristen Stewart,

I do not want to kill you. I also have no plans to throw rotten tomatoes at you, deliberately write on your face with a sharpie, or show up at any premier so I may hurl abusive language at you.

Ok, maybe I should back up. It is my understanding that you make a habit of reading blogs and visiting sites about yourself. If this is true, then you have probably seen my photo. I’m not going to post it here as the other innocent people in the photo with me have been abused enough across the internet. So please accept this artist’s recreation. I’m the chubby redhead down front:

(PS: You've seen this image with the "breast feeding boy" superimposed in it, right? Big Laughs)

Despite the fact that this photo was taken over two years ago some people will not let it go and they continue to hold up my photo as the face of all that is evil and wrong in the world of Kristen Stewart.

Does it count as abuse when I shout "FIX YOUR SKIRT! Everyone can see your business!"?

I’m not going to sit here and claim to be your biggest fan or try to suck up to you or any such thing because I have no reason to lie to you. The simple truth is, I’m not a fan. I don’t say that to hurt your feelings. It’s just one opinion amongst the millions, but somehow the fact that I don’t want to get down and kiss your Louboutins means to some people that I am a physical danger to you. This could not be farther from the truth. I don’t always understand your personal choices, and I seriously think you should consider having someone help you pick out formal dresses, but these are trifles and certainly aren’t enough to get me to seek you out to do you harm.

I have tried explaining this to ‘fans’ who insist on posting my photo all over the web, but my protestations have fallen on deaf ears. Or blind eyes. Or whatever the heck it is when I type out a plea that goes something like “Please do not post that photo. It is not affiliated with any website. To my knowledge none of the people in that photo have ever threatened the well-being of any actress and are actually quite nice people.” and they respond with “What photo? I don’t know what you are talking about…. LOOK AT THIS PHOTO OF THE HATERRZZZZZZ ZOMG THEY ARE SO SMELLY AND MEAN AND THEY DRESS FUNNY!”

Body tackle, boob grab, I'll take one (or several) for the team.

It has been rumored that my photo has been sent to your security team and possibly the FBI (and if they would like to monitor my Twitter account they should stop opening accounts with avi’s of boobs because I automatically block those). In response to this rumor I just wanted to go on the record to say that although I don’t enjoy your work I’m sure you are a lovely girl (when you aren’t telling people to freeze to death or blaming your faults on your teachers) and that if I ever saw you on the street I would be as polite and pleasant as I am to all strangers. Which is to say, I would probably mumble hello, and then fumble with my phone in a socially awkward way and pretend there was something really important that I had to look at.

I do understand though, that it is the job of your security team to protect you from harm, so I will feel no ill-will towards you if Hottie Bodyguard needs to pin me to the ground. And if in my confusion I start to get up and he needs to pin me again, that’s fine by me. The man has a job to do.

Love,

Sincerely,

JodieO

What do you think about Kristen’s hoo-ha up above? How about her Beyonce-knock off dress at the SWATH premiere? How hot is that bodyguard? Ugh… am I forgetting any questions?

We promised a giveaway, and a giveaway we are having!!! The winner of our very special Guri/LTT tote bag is:

 

Congrats BeeDee! Email us at letterstotwilight@gmail.com & we’ll get your tote out to you!

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

38 Commented


Kristen Stewart is a piece of (art) work!

This is real. And it's a thing.

Dear Kristen,

So this art show called “Muchos KStew” a “tribute” to Kristen Stewart  is opening this Saturday in LA. Oh don’t you worry we will BE there. Not opening night because I have stuff called work and a life (not really) but White Yorkie and I already have a date on the calendar to hit up Muchos KStew and maybe bring a video camera or something… you never know.

From the synopsis on the website I KNOW we’re in for a treat Krisbians and non-Krisbians alike will enjoy, I mean this really says it all, doesn’t it:

“Immerse yourself in the atmosphere of a mysterious young woman and stare at her face until it all makes sense. 

Witness a bounty of images that are sure to haunt and delight and confuse you forever…” 

White Yorkie may have to drag me away because I’ll be staring till the gallery closes hoping it all makes sense… and it won’t. Ever. ANYWAY this is a heads up to let you know we DEFINITELY have not forgotten you or Twilight and we will DEFINITELY be at Muchos KStew. LITRALLY you couldn’t keep us away from this train wreck.

Since we weren’t asked to contribute some “art work” to the show (RUDE!) I’d like to show you some of the pieces I would have chosen for this special collection…

Last but not least…

We may or may not bring a video camera… and by may not I mean we are. Prepare yourself.

It’s things like this that make me LOVE the fandom,
Themoonisdown

PS OMG I’m not dead!!! (Barely).

Is anyone in LA going to this? Anything you want us to do while there?

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26 Commented


The worst part about the end of the Holidays (and a Monday Funny)

Been away for the holiday and LTT for a few weeks? Remember there are auto-playing ads that you can STOP from annoying you by hitting mute/the volume button once, after which you’ll never hear them again

Dear Twilight,

Mr. Choice is a better Twilight blogger than me (click this)

Do you know what the worst part about the end of the holidays is? No longer having an excuse to not be productive. (Coming in at a close second is: Sobering Up after 3 weeks of being constantly tispy; The cookies are all stale; Accepting the fact that eating 8 cookies at day for 3 weeks made you fat; Having to stand in long lines to return the horrific gifts you were given; The month old Christmas Tree causes bleeding when you attempt to drag it down 4 sets of stairs to the trash; Having to clean & reorganize your closet now that you have extra things to put in them; You feel really guilty about throwing out your friends & families cute (and over priced) cards/pictures of their kids)

And boy did I EVER enjoy that excuse this holiday! Don’t get me wrong, I was SUPER productive- I have to be with a job that depends on me [gotta sell those hot tubs y’all!] plus a part time job that has quickly taken up more and more of my time & attention. But if something didn’t have to get done this past month, like I’d still get paid (or not paid) if it didn’t happen, or no one would die or get sick or be sad or kill me, then I didn’t do it. I embraced the “It’s the Holidays” excuse BIG TIME and just STOPPED doing things that needed to get done.

Yes, Twilight, that includes you. I don’t even remember tweeting “Merry Christmas” “Happy Hanukkah” or “Happy New Years” this year. Even Mr. CHOICE tweeted you all a Happy New Years message! And I’d like to tell you that today, on January 1, 2012, as I’m writing this, things are going to be different. I’m starting 2012 off RIGHT and with a BANG with some new/amazing/awesome/EPIC* news or blog post, but I’m not. I barely even have an excuse because despite finishing off a bottle of wine plus 1/2 bottle of champagne last night, I feel fine today. I was even up for brunch at 9am. And while I technically could say “It’s the Holidays” because it is January 1st, and all, and I don’t have off tomorrow like the rest of the world, the reality is I’m just being lazy & want to get in my PJs early & watch a movie/TV/peruse blogs that didn’t use the “holiday” excuse/pin things on pinterest/eat more cookies/play with my cats/fall asleep <—- any of those excuses work.

I will leave you, however, with a small Monday Funny that was sent to us by LTT reader, Lindsay, who came across this news item that included a picture of a girl who can only be Kristen Stewart’s inbred cousin:

kristen Stewart inbred cousin

Although attacking a man with a bowl of spaghetti totally sounds like something that could have happened between Kristen & Rob or any one of the Britpack guys, really, during a drunken New Years Eve.

Happy New Year. I promise to be a good blogger soon (as soon as I don’t think of another excuse)

xo,
UnintendedChoice

*crap… I totally promised myself I wasn’t saying EPIC in 2012. Already failed. UGH

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

31 Commented


Breaking Dawn Red Carpet: Behind the Scenes

REMINDER: There are 4 auto-play video ads that play sometimes throughout the day. Find them & Mute them (hit the volume button) They will stay muted. Two on the side (or directly below this post) and two all the way at the bottom!

Dear Twilight,

While Moon was busy holding the golden mic & being felt up by a D-lister Red Carpet guest (yes that happened. No, she won’t let me tell you who in fear that one day he’ll be an A-lister and somehow desirable), I was in the “other” corner of the carpet, holding down the LTT fort & getting the Behind the Scenes scoop. This basically means I got to wonder FIRST why the likes of Heather Locklear & Seth Green were there. (Still wondering)

I'm told she's a Kardashian relative

By the time the red carpet attendees got down by me, they had gone through two rows of fans, all the photographers & then the International press. The spot was where they relaxed before going into “major” press interviews. And by “major” I, of course, mean that one 16 year old Kardashian half-sister who was filling in for Ryan Seacrest. The spot is also where the handlers & dates of the celebs congregated while the interviews were being conducted. It was also like a C-list celeb meat market. Everyone was hugging everyone & I can only assume they all knew each other because once they were bad guys or murder victims on the same CSI episode. If I knew who half the people were it would have been fascinating.

Highlights:

  • Getting my picture with the most important celeb on the carpet
  • When the crowd thinned a bit, I decided to have a snack. Since I snack like a 3 year old, I pulled a sandwich bag filled with Goldfish crackers out of my Chanel bag. And proceeded to do what I do every time I eat Goldfish crackers. Drop them. If you’re wondering if an orange baked cracker blends in on a dark black carpet, the answer is no.
  • Finding out that a certain cast member of a certain movie couldn’t pay his rent last month
  • Seeing Nikki Reed run away from International Press to give her husband, Paul, a big hug, before running back for more interviews. It was adorable. So adorable I thought it deserved a piano ballad:

  • When Jackson came over, the person to my left got a picture with him and so did the person to my right. When he looked at me wondering if I was going to ask for a picture too, I just smiled and contemplated giving him a high-five or asking to stroke his velvet suit.
  • Seeing first-hand how little moments that happen can change into these big, fabricated or exaggerated stories. There is this rumor floating around that Kristen and her publicist got in a fight on the carpet & she RIPPED the sharpie out of her publicists hand and ran over to her adoring fans. I caught that moment on film & if talking means fighting & taking a marker your publicist is handing you is RIPPING it from her hands, then yes, that’s exactly what happened:

Sadlights

  • No Big Daddy in sight
  • Rob didn’t fall in love with me when he was mere inches from my face. I think he saw the goldfish crackers stuck in my teeth
  • Taylor gave the International press a thumbs up instead of me
  • Kristen didn’t throw anything in my face. Neither did a crazed Krisbian on an initiation mission. I was even wearing my “Kristen-hater” Sign* Sigh.. there’s always next year
  • It was sooo cold. Not just California-cold, but winter jacket cold. And my short lace dress (and no tights) was NOT keeping the warmth in.
  • I left that night still holding the grenade I was gonna throw at Bruno Mars. I never saw him come down the carpet.

It was incredible night- one I could go on about for hours & hours, but I’ll just leave you with this montage of the random, the weird, the great & the pretty: The REAL Red Carpet:

Love,
UnintendedChoice

Yep- just noticed a misspelling in the above video. Too late to care. Oh well! It’ll be a contest. First person to spot the mistake gets a fake prize —-> a photoshoot in Carlisle’s Breaking Dawn wig. Lucky you.

*This is false. I left my sign at home**
**Also false. It’s at my office ***
***Do you get it now? We don’t have a Kristen-hater sign****
****It’s a Build board we took out on the 101. Too bad Nokia line is off the 110*****
*****I could go all day….******
******In case you’re new: All of that is false.

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

56 Commented


Breaking It Down: It’s so obvious! Marsten, Nachos and English men

Man Up with Kristen Stewart...

Dear Kristen,

We just read your GQ article… yea, we were around when it came out a few days ago but it was simply too late to read and break down cause these things take forever. You understand. So of course after this thing trended (srsly?!) we knew we needed to break it down. So here we are…

Also, we feel it necessary to tell you and everyone else we were in the middle of a convo on Obama reelection chances, Mitt Romney and Rick Perry. Cause we care about stuff… then this convo happened…

The One where they still don’t get it but she looks good

I'm going to fwd her the groupon for laser hair removal

UC: we gotta break down Kstew right?
Moon: yea i was just about to say we need to do that…  i need to read it
Moon: im trying to find a link to this crap
UC: go to i-want-to-marry-k-stew.com or something
Moon: How about  Fierce Bitch Stew?
Moon: yes lets read and then talk
UC: okay godspeed
Moon: srsly
Moon: woah… this shit is long
UC: ugh good opener…like.. well written! ciao bella
omg the description of the mexican place… really? “each beer comes with a basket of salty chips & salsa” ugh. it’s a mexcian restaurant
UC: there’s that prepubescent line again- do they do NO research? the majority of twilight fans are NOT teeny bopper girls!  those girls were 7 when the books came out!
Moon: No, because by doing research and they’d be forced to realize we’re not all little kids and then they’d be forced to consider that maybe this thing it’s not  so bad/childish/dumb and they’d have to rethink their preconceived notions they’ve been fed by the cynical media.
Moon: Sorry, that was a mouthful.
UC: i like the photoshoot a lot.. i think it’s one of her best
Moon: yea she does look great!! I want those suits she’s wearing. .. and dude this person is a super krisbian
UC: the author?
Moon: yes, seems that way

Ohhh heeeey... maybe he's english?!

UC: i like how she knows her bodyguard was named HBG…
i feel like it’s a male author, but i have no idea.. probably not.. but i’m reading it like it is
Moon: yea i think its a gay guy… ok back to reading cause i dont know about HBG
UC: oh haha
Moon: whats that mean?
UC: hottie bodyguard… i dind’t know either but i’ve seen it
Moon: i thought they called him agent security blanket. shows how much we know of the krisbian world
UC: i just realized this is the UK version of glamour & that’s why there are misspellings!! i was like “man.. editor missed a bunch”
UC: “Twilight is catnip for those young innocent girls” … out of all the young innocent girls i know who have read it- and i know many- no one has latched on to it like we have or our friends. even KRISTEN doesn’t get it. i feel even MORE alone.. as an adult…
Moon: ks doesnt even get it but I guess that’s like a lot of people who just don’t have that personality type to really get INTO something or enjoy it without caring so much what everyone thinks.
UC: that’s what I was saying!!!  young girls have short attention spans.. they will freak out when the movie comes out again, but they (few) care in between
Moon: “They asked me to do silly things, and I wasn’t a silly kid.” imagine that

Follow the cut for MORE an Nachos!
Continue…

166 Commented


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