Rob and Kristen go to Couple’s Counseling… and we seek therapy

Dear Rob and Kristen,

Sometimes we get funny DM’s, like unintentionally funny DM’s especially from a funny lil site called Gossip Cop that has made it their mission to debunk celeb rumors and for whatever reason (read: traffic) they love them some Robsten. So when I got the following message:

GossipCop Feb 16, 12:55pm
CLAIM: Rob and Kristen “have entered couples counseling” ➙ http://gossipcop.com/melkq

And of course I immediately fwd-ed it to UC and said “we have to role play this!” Cause we’re not above acting the fool for this site and if that means doing a little Rob/Kristen roleplay then we’re down, cause it’s not like we haven’t done it before! So we started but then as schedules would have it UC has to leave so I was in the lurch who could I ask to role play Rob and Kristen in couple’s counseling with and not seem like a total looney tune? BROOKELOCKART that’s who! Because when you have the following convo…

Moon: hi, wanna role play rob and kristen in couples counseling with me?
Brooke: Haha sure hold on
Moon: ok  for your refrence when you’re ready the post
Brooke: okay, I haven’t roll played R and K before… so bare with me
Moon: ahaha… its weird but just BE them hahaha
Brooke: so I’ll be K i’ll let my inner kbitch out
Moon: ok, here we go… safeword if you need to ;)

after ALL that you KNOW you have a good friend if they’re willing to do the following with you…

.

A suit and cocktail dress? Wow, this is some classy counseling

Therapist: So Rob you called me to set up with appointment and it’s great you’re being proactive about your relationship, but let’s start with kristen… why dont you tell me why we’re here
Kristen: We are here because he can’t live in the moment. I am in the here and now. Rob’s caught up in the yet to be and he’s holding out sex.
Rob: But kristen, I just want us to be exclusive and committed and you cant seem to give me that i just want to tell the world about us! why won’t you let me?!
Kristen: I don’t need to justify what I may or may not feel to the world i bake you loquat pies, isn’t that enough?
Rob: but if you’re not officially with Rob you could be with anyone! you could leave me for someone else
Kristen: Who would I be dating? We’ve been filming all this time.
Rob: Michael Oregano… there’s HISTORY a Jonas brother! TAYLOR LAUTNER you guys are close!
Kristen: See, Dr. Therapist, THIS is why we are here. this is ridiculous. The only Jonas Brother left is like 15 and if I’m going that young I might as well snag the Biebs. I don’t conform to what society tells us relationships are supposed to be.
Therapist: what’s this i hear about a Tom Sturridge? is he an interloper?
Rob: NO NO!!! he’s my friend he’s been there forever. He lets me show more PDA with him than Kristen does! Maybe I should be worried about Tom and Kristen they were shooting a movie together
Kristen: Tom’s fun. He’s less serious then some people I know.

Rob: SERIOUS?! ME?! i’m JUMPING ROB for pete’s sake whats not fun about me?!
Kristen: GAH. UGH. *bitchface*
Rob: i wear the same shirt every day! i play a vampire, i joke about body odor to strangers! I’M FUN! I’m giving you all the fun you can handle! And i havent even gotten the board games out yet!
Kristen: Rob, you won’t leave my side. You upset my director in Montreal. How am I supposed to be taken as serious when you live up my ass?
Rob: NO I DIDNT!!! he was just jealous of my beasite boys shirt and besides it was “MOANtreal” if i remember correctly… if i can please you in the bedroom why wont you let me in public?
Kristen: chuckles
Rob: you let Oregano please you in public, in VANCOUVER!
Kristen: I was high.
Therapist: Yes, kristen why dont you like PDA?
Kristen: It’s not that I don’t like PDA, But .. well, fine… sometimes there are small pieces of hot pocket left in Rob’s teeth after lunch and.. just… ew
Rob: WHAT?! i brought us to couples counseling because you don’t like broccoli cheese? I thought you liked 3 cheese pizza!i stick with you when you wear that same shirt every day
Kristen: that is so different- i do not wear it in my MOUTH

We learn what Rob’s love languages are and whether he’s really ready to get married after the jump
Continue…

100 Commented


The Crystal Ball of Twilight – What does the future hold?

In the year 2000000000

Dear Twilight,

I was just reading this lovely Hollywood Reporter post yesterday about your movie studio, Summit’s money woes in trying to get their business refinanced. Now, of course we don’t know anything about how this all works and how money is made and spent and financiers but UC and I got to talking after I sent her the link. She asked me if, after all this Twilight stuff, after all it’s success, after all the clams it made and after all the stuff we went through, if I could imagine if Summit folded. I honestly laughed thinking it might just be the best ending for this whole thing. Of course I don’t wish any ill will and hope they keep on making shiz, but it made me laugh and also made me think about the future of the rest of the cast, people involved and Stephenie herself . Our conversation made me think of one of my favorite Conan O’Brien skits called “In the Year 2000” where he and a guest would dress up in weird futuristic space capes and talk about what will happen in the future while they held flashlights pointed at their chin. Amazing. Of course.

So let’s fast forward to the year 2000 and see what happens after Summit folds and Twilight the movies are no more…

Rob quits acting and moves into into a hovel with TomStu where they form a Jackson Rathbone/100 Monkey’s-esque performance troupe and tour the country side of small eastern block european countries. They are begged by the Russian government to be specimens in a body odor experiment

Kristen moves to the the way west valleto take over her mom’s wolf hybrid breeding business with her life partner

After being dumped by every goodie two shoes in Hollywood, Taylor Lautner vows to a life of celibacy and becomes the Christian Tom Cruise

Catherine Hardwicke is finally blackballed from every major media outlet after continuing to rant on about the Robsten audition tape long after no gave a crapsten anymore. She moves to Puerto Vallerta to meet some groovy Mexican beach bums and films her passion project: a documentary about the creator of the Margarita

Stephenie Meyer lets loose and bares her shoulders while on a weekend wine tasting trip WITH US to Napa. Oh yes, she starts drinking. Who wouldn’t after all this?

Ashley Greene will become the next Jennifer Aniston complete with wildly popular tv series, a string of movies where she plays the same character (herself), a failed marriage to Joe Jonas/Kellan Lutz/whoever and spends her days jetting to Mexico thinking about her cats and “the one that got away” (Spoiler: Jackson Rathbone).

Tips welcome!

Jackson Rathbone runs away to join the circus as a one-man-band after he learns that Ashley Greene (aka “The one that got away) is marrying Joe Jonas/Kellan Lutz/Whoever.

Justin Chon becomes the biggest movie star in the world!

Big Daddy – After becoming a contestant on The Biggest Loser and getting his butt kicked by new trainer and LTT reader Olivia he becomes the Subway/Jared-esque spokesperson for McDonalds new GRILLED fish sandwich.

Solomon Trimble – Yea, I just don’t think I can make a manager at the Home Depot joke. He ran away to Puerto Vallerta with Cathi to be her pool boy / key grip / Margarite pour-er.

Xavier Samuel will still be hot.

Dakota Fanning will win her 239th consecutive Homecoming Queen title even thought she will have graduted decades prior.

So what started out as an innocent convo about what the hale is happening with this refinancing turned into something we just had to share. Because really WHAT will they be doing after Twilight is all over… your guess is as good as ours!

In the year two thouuuuusaaaaaand!
Themoonisdown

66 Commented


Storytime with Moon: People’s Choice Awards 2011

R: OMG we're at a People's Choice Awards... K: just smile.... T: HAHAHAOMGHA

Dear LTT-ers,

Wednesday night I hoofed it all the way from West Hollywood to Downtown LA to attend the People’s Choice Awards with @bitemebaker and the lovely gals from Twilightish. Sadly, the drivers of LA did NOT know where I was headed and decided to hold up traffic like it was Sunday driving time with their grandma’s. Didn’t they know I had to see whether the trinity would  take pity on us poor poor sad bored fans and give us a little tiny clip of something from Breaking Dawn, ANYTHING? Well spoiler alert: They didn’t! And didn’t the drivers of LA know I needed to get to the Nokia Theater to see whether Kid Rock would wear leather or fur? Spoiler Alert: he wore BOTH (swoon/vom.). No, they didn’t but maybe the driver’s of LA knew I didn’t need to see Selena Gomez “perform” whatever her song is and didn’t need to see Johnny Depp not show up to accept an award that Rob didn’t win. So as it turns out the drivers of LA know me pretty well and getting to the awards almost an hour late was perfect because I sat down right as AnnaLynn McCord was coming out to present! Oh memories…. I was hoping she’d get an award for People’s Choice for best deep throating of a fruit or vegetable but sadly she lost. I mean she presented something else.

Never thought I'd say Ashley Tisdale was the luckiest girl on the stroll last night

So it must be known that the trinity wasn’t ushered in till right before Kristen’s award where they shuffled in whoever was going to win next to sit in the front row with the only semi celeb they could get to show up and stay in the audience: Ashley Tisdale. So either the Summit private jet was late in arriving or Rob, Kristen and Taylor had WAY more fun getting plastered (on virgin cocktails of course) at the open bar backstage with Jenny Anisten. Easy choice.

How did we spot them you ask? Well I noticed good ol Dean standing down in the front row and I was like wow that big dude looks like Dean and maybe that guy sitting down kinda has Taylor’s complexion… and wow, is that Kristen’s hair and ok that must be Rob in that weird tan colored jacket. Wait, doesn’t he know it’s January, aren’t there some kind of fashion rule about that? Then I stopped talking to myself and we all stood up to get a better look and twwwwweeeet.

Move bitch, get out the way!

They sat down on the front row and any time a commercial break happened Dean would stand up and then like 10 dudes would rush in from stage right and surround them. It became clear why this was necessary when some girl made an ill prepared attempt at trying to meet the trinity and instead got one-hand-Heismen-trophy-posed out of the way by Dean. It was amazing. And then sad because the trinity has to be protected like the latest shipment of Air Jordans to your local Foot Locker. Then I remembered they make a billion gajillion dollars and a felt less sad for them.

This is what it looked like when I took a covert cell phone shot. MOooohahahaha
(Please love the care and precision with which this image was made)

So then finally Kristen won the award for best actress or whatever and Taylor became my favorite by helping Kristen up the stairs by taking her hand. Start some conspiracies yall, just cause I love them so much! It’s a PR ploy you guys! It’s really Taysten! Krislor lives! Ok, whatever Kristen goes up there and thanks everyone blah blah blah.

Another commercial break and Queen Latifah breaks through Dean and the defensive line down front to say hi to the Trinity.

and then we were witness to one of the more embarrassing moments of the twidom.

I know it’s all in good fun and it’s Queen Latifah trying to be cute and MAN are those guys good sports (give the trinity snaps) but seriously? Cause I was 2nd hand embarrassed and I was like hundreds feet away from them and I was shrinking in my seat. It was embarrassing as a Twifan. ugh. We are not all lunatics (says the twiblogger).

Is this really happening to us??

Mercifully some producer saves us all and wrestles the mic away from Queen Latifah so someone could give out an award. At this point the trinity was not being ushered out so I knew we had to be at the end of the show and it was pretty clear Twilight “won” for best movie. I mean it’s the People’s Choice awards they give the award to whoever shows up.

Ashton Kutcher took a night off filming Canon Camera commercials to come give away an award with Princess Amidala and SHOCKER Twilight WON!!!! ZOMG!!! I had no idea it would!!!!!

The trinity ascended to the stage and thankfully Rob recognized his and Kristen’s lack of public speaking prowess and pushed Taylor up to accept the award. Taylor recited his lines correctly but BONUS he made an awkward refrence to Katy Perry’s joke/euphamism about the awards being heavy like her boobs. UMMMM awkward turtle!!! Either Taylor got the joke or he made it even funnier by NOT getting the boob reference. Either way WIN. Then I crossed my fingers Taylor would surprise us with a teeeny tiny clip, a flash, a picture ANYTHING from Breaking Dawn but alas. NOTHING. Help us out Summit!! The natives are getting restless! I’m scared!

I'd like to thank John Stamos without whom this outfit would NOT be possible!

Next, Kristen said some stuff and her dress strap fell while talking and Taylor, being the gentleman he is, rushed to push it up. CONSPIRACY!!! PLOYS!!!! (anyone, anyone?!). Then Rob said some stuff and thanked John Stamos for letting him raid the “Jesse Catsopulous Closet” while he was at the party last summer.  Then they all got on a private jet parked on the roof of the Nokia and flew back to the town with no cameras, paparazzi or internet access, better known as Baton Rouge.

The end.

Congrats to Twilight for winning some People’s Choice Awards! Now give me a set picture and no one get’s hurt.
Themoonisdown

Did you watch? Were you in ANYWAY surprised they won? Were you making hoping JUST A LITTLE that there would be something special? Did you feel box blocked? Also share your conspiracy theories!

Thanks Eclipsemovie.org, Robsessed, whoever tagged some of these photos, Twilightish

Oh- we ruled at blogging today and BOTH posted on LTT- so don’t miss the other letter for today!

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

142 Commented


What (should have) happened in the Twilight world in 2010

Dear Twilight,

Since it’s that time of year when we start to wrap up 2010 and think about 2011, I was thinking about recapping the past year of Twilight. But then I thought to myself, “Wow… how incredibly boring, UC. Anyone who is a reader of LTT knows exactly what happened in the world of Twilight in 2010 and exactly when it happened (and probably what they were wearing at the time).” So I thought, why don’t I recap what should have happened in 2010? We’re all about the fanatical fantasy here at LTT, so why stop now? I give you: Twilight in 2010: What should have happened!

The 100 Monkeys broke up. As a result the Goodwill received an onslaught of “Monkey bags,” and past concert goers stopped fleeing to their Doctors complaining of ‘bleeding ears”

Kellan came out of the closet. Then went to Christian Gay camp & learned how to resist the urge. Then was caught at the Eco-lodge with a man. Coincidentally it was his counselor from Christian Gay camp.

Swiftner became a bigger celeb couple than Robsten. A Karate video was produced to a country music soundtrack, selling more than Justin Bieber’s latest album. A pre-teen war ensued. A lot of Jonas Brothers sleeping bags were destroyed. I think. Do tweens still like the JoBros?

BigDaddy realized that the Olive Garden is much better when UC & Moon are there to share his breadsticks. TWSS.

Midnight Sun was finished and as a result, for a full 12 hours, not a woman over the age of 10 was seen in public.

The media & public realized Robsten are a really boring couple (Is it “Robsten are?” or “Robsten is”? Is this in the dictionary somewhere? “How do you properly formulate a sentence using the plural form of Robsten?” Does anyone know? Do you think Summit knows? Do you think they have a guy in their office just to grammatically correct all the “Robsten” sentences they write? Most importantly, how does the CEO address Robsten when he makes photo-shopped manips of the two of them to send to his wife on humpday?

“TwiPorn” and “RobPorn” went back to their original meanings: Pictures of Twilight male characters doing chores around the house. Much more boring, much more safe for work, plus you feel better about yourself after seeing Peter Fach vacuuming instead of opening an email attachment to see Kellan holding a huge scholong with the caption “Bite this.”

Catherine Hardwicke made a movie that looked nothing like Twilight

DILF mustard pants chris weitz

These pants will be EVERYWHERE this spring

Chris Weitz showed up in public again to introduce his men’s fashion line called “DILF,” featuring a limited edition mustard-colored pant

Rob’s head was not photo-shopped onto the bodies of any men who also do gay porn.

Stephenie called Pancho “Nacho” in public. Coincidentally they were eating Mexican at the time.

Someone finally admitted visiting Forks is actually kinda boring.

Ashley Greene hooked up with Ian Somerhalder reminding us that what she does best is sleep with men we could never get and bringing more pretty into our lives & giving us (more) excuses to write about Ian.

I mean, is it just me or was 2010 a pretty boring year for the cast? We had a little Swiftner. I think Nikki Reed probably slept with a douche bag. Kellan hooked up with Anna-Lynne again. Jackson fell in love with me, the Twilight Superfan, in Philadelphia & Boo-Boo Stewart’s voice dropped 3 whole notes, but I think that’s it. No one even cares about Ashley & Joe Jonas. Catherine barely tried to remind us that she created Robsten. For as much shit as he talked on Twi before he got the Eclipse directing gig, David Slade turned out to be really boring. Solomon Trimble’s life is kinda too sad to even make fun of anymore, and Chris Hansen and Boo-Boo Stewart jokes just aren’t as funny as they were with Taylor Lautner. Come on Twilight in 2011, you BETTER give us SOMETHING good!

Love,
UnintendedChoice

What did I miss? What else (should have) happened in the world of Twilight in 2010!?

Oh- We don’t want to forget to tell you, starting January 3rd the Biggest Loser challenge on the Forum (renamed “Resolutionary Challenge 2011″) is kicking off: Make sure you join everyone if you’re looking for fun, encouragement & healthy living in 2011!!! Resolutionary Challenge 2011

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

53 Commented


Happy extended Christmas vacay!!

Dear LTT-ers,

So we’re all still recovering from the holidays, I’m spending time with a sick family member and UC is digging her way out of a snowstorm/blizzard whatever you east coasters call them, I don’t know. So we will be in and out this week posting here and there but wanted to give you a heads up and leave some discussion tidbits from the twidom to ponder….

  • Stephenie Meyer celebrated her 21st birthday (you’re welcome) on Christmas Eve by either listening to every Muse album front to back or ordering Pancho to give her a hand massage. Or both.


So when does it stop becoming an “outtake” and we all just acknowledge this dude has maybe 4 bad pictures to his name? The jerk.

Hope your Christmas was fan-damn-tabulous and you’re enjoying the down time with family and friends… we’ll be coming back atcha with some end of the year stuff this week and of course we’re on it if anything late breaking happens (Taylor grows a couple inches).

Happy Monday!
Themoonisdown

Sooooo discuss… any fantbulous Christmas stories or deals you got the day after to share?

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTRThe ForumTwitterThe Store

50 Commented


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