Breaking it down: The Font and I talk Taylor, bare feet and DOWN THERE!

Dear Taylor,

Sometimes I end up talking to my guy friends about you and not because they want to but because I commandeer the conversation and we go there. I apologize in advance for talking about some sensitive subjects for both you, Jacob and whatever’s going on beneath the Jorts.

(suck it Chris Hanson!)

A first… breaking it down with me and The Font

Take this invite and shove it!

The one where I totally commandeer the convo
The Font: Moon
Moon: The Font…..
*lots of time passes*
Moon: i take it you saw the new jacob picture but you’re too shy to bring it up?? do you want me to start??
………………
Moon: ok… running barefoot?! wtf? am i right??? just because white bread vanilla snoozville bella and edward sent you an F You! wedding invite doesnt mean you need to risk a cold or worse yet needing a tetanus booster when you inevitably step on a nail from running without shoes.
Moon: you send them a F You! gift from their registry and by gift from their registry i mean a flaming bag of crap thrown onto the cullens front porch!!

What should really happen at Edward & Bella's wedding

Moon: or you streak the wedding, dump a bucket of blood on bella a la “carrie” then yell “they’re all vampires you idiots” at the crowd of dumbass townies who couldnt recognize a werewolf if it phased in front of them……
(it’s your turn to jump in…. anytime now….)
.

The one where he finally gives in and jumps in
The Font: i go get a hot pocket and come back, and this is what happens?!
The Font: why is he BAREFOOT? is that a werewolf thing? or he does not have the twenty seconds to put on shoes?
Moon: i guess when you’re a werewolf in love with a vampire’s girl, pithy things like footwear doesnt matter. if he gets hurt it heals within minutes anyway so i guess he thinks fuck it, try to kill me tetanus!!!

Not exactly the Sports Authority

The Font: still. just for COMFORT’S sake
Moon: well maybe he’s realized it’s not worth it to lose another pair of shoes, because he’ll just get more pissed off, phase and the shoes will shread to pieces anyway. it’s a shitty economy still. he’s being economical and im sure new running shoes arent exactly cheap at newtons outfitters. its not like sports authority. they gotta put mike through community college somehow.
.

The one where we discuss Jorts vs Stretchy Pants and modesty

Official uniform of the wolfpack and everyone in our neighborhood

The Font: aren’t there stretch shoes for these kinds of things? the hulk always has stretch pants
Moon: you’d think thatd be the way they’d go, but they like the denim jorts. hipster wolves?
The Font: let’s talk about THAT! if they have JEANS on, how are those not ripping? jeans are not exactly known for their give
Moon: ok, here it is… (twi nerd of the day award) they either take them off and stash them into the woods before the phase, or they shread off their bodies. thats pretty much how the explain it in the books and movies. in the books, apparently, they tie an extra pair of shorts or whatever around their legs, in the movies they stash them in the woods
The Font: so concerned with modesty, these wolves

Dude follow the cut, we talk about naked Jacob and SO much more after this
Continue…

121 Commented


Remember that guy Taylor??

This guy?!! Yea?! YEA!

Dear Taylor-

It’s weird how out of all the cast you don’t get that much love here post wise and you’re probably the nicest and most normal (I would assume). AND I really DO like you!! Why is that? Are you staying out of the spotlight? Is Big Daddy calling you every night at 1oPM making sure you’re tucked in watching Sports Center instead of our carousing with the locals? Besides a few sushi lunches you really haven’t been seen out and aboot much in Vancouver. So when I see you I’m like “oh wait, that Taylor guy IS in this movie…” and boy, do you ever remind us you are with this clip:


It’s funny that you cringe when talking about imagining Edward and Bella down in Brasil gettin’ it on like Marvin Gaye sings, cause really it’s pretty much imagining the magicness happening between Robsten on the bear skin rug daily and who DOESN’T like to ponder that for like 23 of the 24 hours a day we have???
.

So here’s the crazy thing, Taylor, you’re in other movies besides Twilight! Insane, I know.
So here’s the thing… are you playing Hanna meets Jason Bourne meets the narc in your local high school? This whole thing raised some red flags for me…

  • 1. What high school girl is cruising missing children’s websites when she should be looking up the address to her local esthetician to get her Robert Pattinson meets Camilla Belle eyebrows in check? And if your high school girlfriends idea of a good time is looking at missing children’s websites you might have a bigger problem on your hands. Like SHE’S the narc… or she’s really into those CSI Criminals in SUV shows and THAT is scarytown.
    .
  • 

  • 2. If your mom is Maria Bello and you are Taylor Lautner, you definitely did not come from her womb.
    .
  • 3. If Maria Bello is such a grade-a ass kicker why didn’t her and her friends take a taekwondo class in The Jane Austen Book Club instead of reading books and yammering on about Northhanger Abbey (I love you J.A.)?
    .
  • 4. Is it in your contract that every movie you’re in feature a motorcycle riding scene? Preferably wearing a tight, dark v-neck shirt while it rains. Good agent.
    .
  • 5. If Sigourney Weaver tells you she knows your “real” father you better hope to God it’s not an alien.
    .
  • 6. Taylor, in my neck of the woods we call that thing over your lip a dirty sanchez moustache. Shave it NOW.
    .
  • 7. If you’re a fan of the Pirates enough to wear a jersey, it’s a bad omen. This will not end well.
    .
  • 8. Did you insist on using the Jacob-tree climbing/jumping stunt just so that we would all subconsciously think of you with your shirt off jumping into Bella’s window? Cause it worked.
    .
  • 9. Lines like “You wanna play with no rules? You better be careful what you let out the box” just confuse me. First, it doesn’t make and sense, second it makes me think of any of Vin Diesil’s lines in any movie he’s ever been in and third it makes me want to embroider it on a pillow.
    .
  • 10. Giving Big Daddy a producer credit in the end credits just earned you like at least 10 McDonalds bucks in your stocking next Christmas. And a HUUUGE hug from me cause that means Big Daddy will be all up in the Abduction premiere!! WHOOHOO!!
    .

So clearly, I’m going to be seeing this movie… at some point. There are so many questions that need to be answered and so many scenes with you possibly shirtless to be seen that I couldn’t deny you me this or the 15 bucks. Just consider it an investment in Big Daddy’s retirement fund.

“I live my life a quarter mile at a time…”
Themoonisdown

Ok, so that line isn’t in Abduction (I think) but who would argue that there will probably be lines very similar… Will you see Taylor’s new movie? Did you think he was doing the Jacob-jumps-in-Bella’s-window move, too?

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61 Commented


Twilosophy: Is any guy ever an “Edward?” or are they all “Jacobs?”

Dear LTT-ers and Twilosophy majors,

For the last few years since we’ve started LTT and LTR and since reading the books, podcasting with the guys and whatnot I’ve had this thought roaming around my twi-addled brain but never felt ready to tackle it… then recently both Chris Weitz and Stephenie Meyer spoke about the very thing I had been wondering… are there really any “Edwards” out there or are they all actually “Jacobs?”

Recently, a Christ Weitz follower tweeted him asking if he was Team Jacob or Team Edward and this was his response:

This guy's a "jacob?" *swoon*

I am a Jacob. So that has to be my team, by default. Except really, honestly, I’m team Bella.
@chrisweitz
.

First I loved him more because he self identifies as a “Jacob” but it got me to thinking since most guys I know have said they’re a “Jacob” and most ladies say they married a “Jacob” IS ANYONE ever an Edward? Has any guy self identified as an “Edward?” And has anyone every really gotten their “Edward?” An “Edward” being the seemingly unattainable, hot, sorta-pretty-much perfect guy who you think would never give you the time of day.

Yup, definitely a Jacob

After being in this “world” for many years I would say that a majority of married Twilight lovers would say they married their “Jacob.” Many of our fellow bloggers and even Stephenie herself has said this. She mentioned that marrying Pancho was like marrying her Jacob.  Stephenie also had this to say about Rob and Taylor in her recent interview with USA Today…

On working with Pattinson and Lautner: “Rob is more like Jacob than Edward. He’s goofy, he’s funny, he doesn’t take much seriously. But he can turn Edward on like that (she snaps her fingers) when he needs to be Edward. Taylor’s who we hang out with most. He’s a lot like fun, happy Jacob.” – Stephenie Meyer in USA Today

Wait, this guys a Jacob??

It’s ok, Rob/Edward fans, you can peel yourself off the floor now and let’s come to terms with the fact that Rob is not and never was Edward. Not that UC and I ever thought that because we’ve pretty much pegged him as a super nerd from day one yet it keeps bringing up the question: If these guys are all “Jacobs” then are all men out there really Jacobs? Or can some of them beEdwards and then become Jacobs?

Furthermore (oh big transitional words!) if most guys end up being Jacobs than what does that say about the Twilight story and Bella and Edward’s relationship? Is it really the stuff of fantasy because there are no “Edwards” in real life? And if that’s true have we finally found the reason why Twilight is so popular, because it’s a fantasy in every sense of the word?

That's a whole lotta Jacobs right there

So do I have an Edward to look forward to or should I just stop ignoring the Jacobs of my life and realize that though he may not sparkle he’s pretty darn fabulous and he might also be able to fix that weird squeaky sound my cars been making.

Here’s to the Jacobs!
Themoonisdown

Thoughts? Who’s married/dated/engaged to their Jacob? Do you think any guy is every REALLY an Edward? Are all men Jacobs at the end of the day?

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140 Commented


Jacob & Renesmee: I just can’t imagine it

I realize that reading this NOW after the big MAJOR SPOILER BREAKING DAWN LEAKAGE OF STILLS OF BASICALLY THE ENTIRE TWO MOVIES is pretty anticlimactic, but I wrote this Wednesday night & I’m currently on a plane to Florida, so there was no time for an update. But laugh with me that I considered THIS a spoiler as of Wednesday! Xo

Dear Breaking Dawn,

Today’s letter is brought to you by a MAJOR SPOILER ALERT. Well, I think. I could have actually imagined that I heard this little Breaking Dawn rumor. I’m not SEEKING out info. If I come across it, I sometimes read it, but I’m not opposed to being completely surprised with this movie. Just because… I can’t imagine how it’s not going to be so freaking’ creepy. Like when I imagine Breaking Dawn, I picture this Halloween costume:

So I try to not to go there, ya know? Anyway, back to my SPOILER ALERT. I remember hearing that they “Cast” the older Renesmee. And, as a result, speculation was swirling that there would be a “grown up” scene between Jacob & Renesemee. Aww sweet. Less ick factor, right?

Right?

Jake needs a Do-over

That’s where I have a problem. IS that less “ick factor?” Let’s say, for example, that Taylor gets his day in the sun. Or Jacob does, rather. They both need to get some- doesn’t matter who. Taylor needs to prove to the world he CAN kiss without major head-bobbing motions like with Jake’s big moment with Bella, but….. with Reneseme? Renesmee who we see as a baby one minute, a child then next & then flash forward to a scene where she is potentially kissing her big bro-protector-turned-lover Jacob Black? Umm… ick. Right?

Team Jacob deserves this, I get it. There is a HUGE portion of the Twilight fandom on Taylor’s side & they’d LOVE to see him with a little tonsil hockey action with anyone (Suggestion: Maybe Jake & Leah sip a few too many Mike’s Hard Lemonades down at La Push one night? Give Team Jacob a little french-kiss action there? Just a thought) But what if there is a Jake & Nessie scene that is…. HOT? Maybe Alice is seeing the future or something (creepy, Alice…has life with Jasper really gotten that stale?) but then we go back to the present, where Renesemee is a CHILD? I can’t wrap my head around this….!

I know I should probably trust the movie makes on this one, but, of course I don’t.

During my first read of Breaking Dawn, Jake & Nessie never creeped me out. I didn’t like that a kid was introduced.. I wanted Bella & Edward love making 24/7 without the distraction of a mouth to feed a deer to, but I never really thought about the creepiness till I met you all & your aversion to the creepiness effed with me! But NOW it’s all i think about… WHAT WILL THIS BE LIKE!?

Think on this for a few minutes with me. The following is cute:

Aww! It's like Jake's a 24/7 petting zoo

Only thing creepy about this is Bella creeping in the corner (Reminds me of Creepy Eddie in the van. Remember him?)

Everyone needs a fluffy friend to comfort them

and my own personal favorite:

 

Jake, Nessie & Seth

All appropriate, right? Weird, sure. But we’ve known that Jacob imprints on Renesmee now for like 3 years. We need to get over this. It’s time to move on. We get that he’s not creeping on a kid. It’s just a weird thing that doesn’t actually happen in real life.

But THEN…. this:

 

Jake & Nessie of Green Gables

"This is how your mom liked to be held too!"

Ick

Am I right to be worried?

Don’t creep me out,
UnintendedChoice

So…. WHAT do you think? How is this gonna go down? Am I overreacting? Will it be all cool? Will we be able to look at little McKenzie Foy the same way again if the flash-forward scene happens like is rumored? (PS: I found the link where I think I read the spoiler)

*UPDATE – this seems ironic now that we’ve sen them together (allegedly). This is a reminder PLEASE DO NOT LINK OR POST ANY OF THE LEAKED IMAGES. We like our limbs and our money. THANKS!*

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88 Commented


Only Taylor Should’ve Played Jacob: Guess the wolf’s outta the bag

One thing I love about LTT-friend Team Seth is that she doesn’t “get” Rob Pattinson. She reminds me that the fandom is SO varied and not everyone thinks every single Twilight actor is God’s gift to the us & the world! Today she leads us in an appreciation of Taylor Lautner:

Taylor's got committment

Dear Taylor,

First off, major high five! Second, I know that we here on LTT sometimes, oftentimes, make fun of you for silly things like meat patties and catching grapes while doing back flips, but honestly we’re all behind you. It’s a matter of you being underage when we first got to know you, then you were smoking hot and we all felt dirty, like when your friend’s little brother turns 17 and it’s suddenly like “Wow, where did he come from?” Like Jeremy in Vampire Diaries, except that Bonnie isn’t over 18. Anyway, you can understand that I’m sure. Chris Hansen is creepy, you know. Plus, I know that we tend to talk more about your dad and how much we want to have sit downs with him over bread sticks and unlimited soup and salad lunch, and we don’t really want you there. I know that’s a little rude. But we stood by you through Swiftner! We accepted you after seeing Shark Boy and Lava Girl with our 7 year olds. And on a personal note, I HATE the Red Wings, but I’m willing to accept that you’re a fan due to where you’re from. That’s fine. I get it, really I do. (Go Canucks!)

But, I want to just get down to it and say, you’re the only one of the trilogy who really put your all into the role. And bravo for that! I’m so tired of people defending Rob for his mediocre efforts at becoming Sparta. This is Sparta. But you nailed it! You put in the effort. You ate meat patties and put in the gym time to get an 12-pak washboard ab set. You bulked up. You tried, and you kept it up. You respect C-Dubs’ wishes and followed through. Which is a truly classy and professional thing to do. You wore jorts in British Columbia other than in July heat waves. With rain pouring down on you. You committed. Rob did NOT commit. And I’m done, I am so done with these women who say that he has a Spartacus body in New Moon. He does not. He actually looks totally creepy. Like wtforks is this?

Sure there’s no pot belly, nor does he look like a topless Billy Burke (sorry, Billy, still love you!) But he’s gray and completely lacking pectorals and arm muscles. Seriously, where are his pecs? He looks like a fourteen year old! And I’m not knocking on Rob’s hotness, just his lack of commitment to the role.

No one's gonna argue about THIS

Sure, call him the HHH, ladies. Do what you must. I’ll agree, this is hot, and of course his NM shirtless moment is EONS ahead of this (shudder!). But the role commitment is just not there. Not like you, Taylor. And since there’s an entire site dedicated to letters to Rob and his hobo chic awesomeness (or whatever), I want you to know that you and your efforts are appreciated.

I know you’re not doubting your mad skills given the amount of big girl panties that have been thrown in your face. But honestly, Taylor, I think you’re the only one who nailed it. You ARE Jacob. I can’t imagine anyone but you as Jake… maybe put you on stilts, but other than that…and that’s just a technicality. And you and I both know that I’m not Team Jacob, that I don’t think Jacob and Bella should be together, and that I don’t lust after you in bed at night (that’s reserved for David Tennant and Ian Smolderholder).

"I want to thank Disney... for teaching me to smile & speak like a robot..."

But I respect you. Maybe you’re not “world’s best actor”, but that’s fine. You’re young and Disney channel groomed, and having worked at Disney myself for a few years, I know what that’s about. I get it. I understand your overtly PC and vague responses, your extremely bright smile, and your uncomfortableness with answering questions in a creative way. I totally understand, because I’ve been through that training too. It’s fine. And I don’t care if you come out in a year or so, or if you’re actually straight. I just don’t care, because you nailed it as Jacob. And I really think here on LTT we overlook that.

Not only did you commit physically to the role, you also worked with the ebb and flow of Jacob’s emotions. You made the switch when the wig came off. Jacob transformed from a sweet little Native American boy into a man. A man who wouldn’t accept that Bella didn’t appreciate him or recognize her feelings for him. That she was too caught up in her memory of Mr. Gray Marble Sparklepeen who LEFT HER for no real reason (that he happened to mention at the time) to even take notice of the fact that she was more or less gonna make out with you like 20 different times. Kind of ridiculous, right? Anyway, you as an actor took that energy, that longing to be human again and that werewolf rage, and you made it real. Believable. I applaud you. So, when we discussed who should’ve played Bella, I felt we ought to mention the fact that only YOU should’ve played Jacob.

Just friends

But I’ll close with this, Taylor. If you can pull off the relationship I envisioned between Jake and Nessie when reading the books, which was quite tasteful and sweet, then I think you might deserve a Best Supporting for that, and NOT at the MTV Awards, but at some real awards show. If anyone is trained and ready to field all the underage sexy times interview questions involving the supposed toddler love, it’s you, Taylor. You’ll laugh, look down, then back up with a serious face and say something along the lines of,

“Well, actually Jacob’s just imprinted on her. Imprinting doesn’t mean you have romantic feelings for the person, just that you understand her exact needs. It’s kind of like an intuition. So, if Renesme, say, wants to play My Little Ponies, Jacob will anticipate this need. It’s nothing romantic, it’s like he’s her awesome babysitter who totally gets her. As she grows up and her needs change, he will anticipate this too. So ultimately they will most likely end up together, but that’s in the far future.”

Then interviewer will then ask, “So, Edward might be Jacob’s father-in-law, is that going to be weird given the past between you guys?” and you will say, “No, I mean, isn’t that what every father wants for his daughter–a husband who will treat her exceptionally well and always love her and provide her with what she wants?” I have full faith in you, kid. So, keep on keepin’ on! And just think, your meat patty days are quickly coming to a close!

With high regards,

Team Seth

What do you think? Is Taylor going to do us proud with his portrayal of Jacob? Will Chris Hansen be on stand-by, waiting for his moment to knock on Taylor’s trailer door?

Contest Update: Moon & I haven’t had time to talk ALL WEEKEND LONG so we haven’t picked a winner from last week’s contest yet! We will pick shortly & announce the winner soon! THANKS to everyone who has entered. The entries we’ve read so far are amazing & it’s hard to choose a favorite!

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198 Commented


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