ZZZZzzzzz the Oscars and Twilight… LIES!

Dear Oscars,

Welp, thanks for giving me exactly ZERO material besides a 5 second moment in a clip that was autotuned! Way to be a uuuuge let down. Where was the rumored Breaking Dawn footage, though admittedly, that would have been awkward. And no trinity? Could you not have thrown them in the audience or CGI-ed (technical term) them clapping for some winner? No? No one? FINE… let’s watch it again

video here

If someone has the ringtone of this please email it or post it cause like EVERYONE is asking.

Remember that time Rob was at the Oscars?

Yea, that was a good night. Remember when my phone died because of the overload of comments on LTR? Yea… that was a good night.

Remember when Kristen and Taylor were at the Oscars?

Yea that was an ok night… Remember how Kristen had a flub and people freaked out and I forgot Taylor was there? Yea.

So Oscars… you’ve have Rob, Taylor and Kristen representing Twilight at the telecast over the last 2 years, don’t you think it’s time for someone else to rep for the saga? Like maybe Solomon Trimble? He could do a fancy french braid for the special night… or maybe Mr. Molina could come and quiz the attendees on Oscar history? Who will win the golden onion at the Oscars?

Well that was a snoozefest I gotta say… Franco was robbed but oh wells. There’s always next year when the trinity will no doubt be nommed for their performances in Breaking Dawn. Award for best forbidden love affair? Taylor Lautner and whoever plays Renesmee: AUTOMATIC WIN!

Hide yo kids, hide yo wife, the Oscars discovered Autotune,
Themoonisdown

Did anyone else sit through this? Who won their Oscar pool? I came in second (2nd place 3 way tie. HA!) White Yorkie won. HE WOULD.

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137 Commented


Getting excited about Breaking Dawn Part 1

Dear Breaking Dawn Part 1,

I don’t know about you but the news err non-news-stalker-pics-wigger-kids coming out of Vancouver this week got me REALLY excited for Breaking Dawn. If only we didn’t have to wait until November to see the finished project. But oh well. We’ll take what we can get.

We got this letter a week or so ago from SJ discussing what she was looking forward to in BD Part 1 & it got me even MORE excited about the movie!

I’m Excited

  1. Rob’s career make or break scene: can he pull off being the most seductive vampire ever whilst wearing water shoes?
  2. Taylor’s voodoo power: forget kung-fu, is his voodoo strong enough to convince the world a teenage shapeshifter imprinting on a newborn baby is not creepy (may also be seen as career make or break time).
  3. The pale ‘strange one’ and the chick who hates dancing and parties unobtrusively getting down with the locals at carnival time then prancing up the beach between the pumpkin lanterns.
  4. Kristen enduring parading Summit Wardrobe Department‘s idea of Stephenie Meyer’s idea of Alice’s idea of stylin’. And will they reuse blue art smock for a maternity top?
  5. Jennifer Love Hewitt wetting her pants on the red carpet. But that’s just me being petty and mean (Taylor hatin’ beetch!)
  6. You should really use a condom

    Will there be a condom/Condon reference somewhere in wedding or Isle of Esme, or just ANYWHERE? I am praying for an outtake of Bill popping up in the ocean next to Rob & Kristen saying ‘I really do think I’m needed in this scene, move over Kristen’. And then me yelling ‘for the love of god move over Kristen!’

  7. Charlie’s ‘stache. Jasper’s hair. Carlisle’s accent. Esme achieving full camouflage with the backdrop in every scene she appears in.
  8. Merchandise – Isle of Esme jigsaw, maracas, water shoes? Team Edward/Jacob wedding garter. Isle of Esme sarongs. Pregnancy test kits.
  9. Edward attempting to pimp out Jacob to Bella so she can have a ‘normal’ pregnancy (although maybe not normal by LTT standards). Or is it Bella being pimped out to Jacob? I’m not really up to speed on the Pimp’s code of conduct but it does seem that it would be a win situation for all of them. Anyway, cannot wait to see how Rob delivers those lines. It may just be the first time I feel sorry for him.

All this and it’s only February! Are we halfway there yet?

xxx Sj.

Hey Rob.. in Isle Esme ... you should do that move I taught you on my bed back in 2008...

I know, SJ. I know! It’s SO far away, yet hopefully the time will FLY! Because I have to add the following things I am so excited about for BD Part 1:

  1. Watching a Catherine Hardwicke interview where she discusses how the Isle Esme sex scene(s) were “just as passionate as the moment Robsten was created my unmade bed in Venice Beach.”
  2. A NEW SOUNDTRACK to listen to (nothing funny here- you know we’re serious around here about music!
  3. Watching Bella tell her high school friends she’s getting married. And then making the brilliant awkward lines that Yorkie & Mike are sure to say after they hear the news our new mantras.
  4. Seeing if Taylor breaks into giggles anytime sex is mentioned, suggested or insinuated

Oh November… can’t you be HERE already!!

Love,
UnintendedChoice

What (Serious or non-serious!) things are you excited for for Breaking Dawn Part 1!?

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187 Commented


Taylor’s got a new lady and we wanna know if she’s DTF

Dear Taylor,

While I was busy watching the Grammys and suffering through people saying “Who are the Avett Brothers/Mumford and Sons/Arcade Fire?” You were busy making your way through LAX with a chick called Lily Collins, aka your costar in the upcoming flick Abduction. Is that why Taylor wasn’t at the Grammy’s? Did she refuse to put on a pretty pretty princess dress and instead locked herself in her hotel room and tried to think of all the words that rhymed with Lily? We all know Taylor Swift already wrote a number one song about YOU do you really want to give her fodder for a follow up record where she trashes you for having an on set hook up with a costar when that’s how YOU two met? Moving on is sad Taylors…

Hmmm this dress looks familiar… (ps if that was a DC we’d be in business)

Since I care for you Taylor I decided to investigate who this Lily Collins girl is. I was hoping she was the heir of the Olive Garden/Red Lobster restaurant chain, or at least the daughter of a McDonald’s franchise owner in the midwest somewhere but as it turns out is just the daughter of some musician named Phil Collins* who was born in Guildford, England aka where Daniel Gale in The Bad Mother’s Handbook is from (someone put me out of my misery for knowing that. my life is embarrassing right now). Also important to note is the fact she’s 21!!! Dude, you like the older ladies… that’s the same as Swifty (someone go give her a hug). She has written in a bunch of magazines, hosted a kids pick the president event, has been cast in the Mortal Instruments adaption and has large eyebrows. We’re taking Camilla Belle/Sandy Cohen level eye brows. So pretty much your basic cute girl next door. ZZZZZZZzzzzzz. Someone wake me up when she writes a song about family taco night at the Lautners or how Taylor gave her a “Women of the Word” devotional book.

The only info you we need to know about this Lily Collins girl is whether she is DTF like Taylor Swift was for you… and if not you better start sending those roses to Taylor Swift again and showing her your “tan skin” cause being non-DTF will just not do for us. Thanks.

I may or may not be DTF,
Themoonisdown

PS why does your face look like a weird fan manipulation image in that LAX photo?

*I know who Phil Collins is, thanks*

DUDES two Taylor posts, back to back! Where are our Team Jacob girls at? Do we think Lily is DTF or does Taylor really just likes that song from Tarzan?

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150 Commented


The Top 19 things I think about Taylor Lautner on his Birthday

Tay Tay's idea of a good birthday

Dear Taylor,

Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday to YOU
you look like you’re the kinda guy Chris Hansen is gonna come after soon…
Happy Birthday to YOUUUU

Moon & I were talking the other day about how we have these perceptions of celebrities (mostly Twilight stars) and their lives that most likely are exaggerated or completely untrue. Like, does Nikki Reed actually have multiple STDs (probably) and WILL Ashley Greene for sure try to steal someone’s boyfriend if she ever meets him (most likely). And DO Rob & Kristen really make the sweetest love with bubbles popping all around them & kittens & bunnies running in circles while they’re on a bear skin rug? (Duh). You know what I’m saying. Sometimes we run with a quote from an article, or idea or rumor SO far that we truly start to believe it ourselves. So for your 19th birthday, I thought I’d share the Top 19 things I think about you that may or not be true:

1. You’re still so obsessed with Taylor Swift that hers is the only CD you play (yes, I also think you’re the one person left on earth with a DiscMan) and you have magazines of her stacked in your hotel room & the walls are papered with posters of her. Plus you buy Clean & Clear face wash. Just because she’s in the commercials.

2. You actually carry around a baggie full of meat wherever you go & a bottle of ketchup in your back pocket at all time.

3. Despite being one of the highest paid actors of the last year, you still live at home with your parents when you’re not filming & you have a twin bed, share a bathroom with your sister & on occasion can be found playing with Teenage Mutant Ninja turtle figurines that you still have stashed in your closet

4. This is legitimately how you looked before fame:

5. Your dad is really your BFF and you two actually own all the Olive Garden franchises found in The Valley. Plus you bought that cookbook where you learn the secrets of chain restaurants, and the one thing you DO use your hard earned money for is a private chef- but he’s only allowed to cook from the Olive Garden section of the cookbook. And occasionally the Red Lobster pages. But he doesn’t tell Big Daddy

7. Sometimes the person in the hotel room next to you wakes up in the middle of the night to someone groggily singing what sounds like the Taylor Swift song “Back to December.” You sing it in your sleep

She won't leave me alone!!!

8. Instead of explaining to your friends who visit the set who “Renesmee” is who you have been filming a lot of scenes with, you just say she’s one of the sound guy’s daughters who follows you around and wants an autograph

9. While you’re a black belt in Karate & could probably hold your own against some of the greatest fighters out there, you’re deathly afraid of spiders. And ironically, wolves

10. You actually have no Native American in you & are actually a natural pale skinned red-head. Hair dye & a tanning bed have changed your life.

11. Considering one of your favorite movies is The Notebook (according to IMDB), you have a bigger crush on Ryan Gosling than I do. And I didn’t think that was possible

12. You only like the feel of leather against your skin. So instead of cotton sheets, you commissioned a special set of all leather sheets for you twin bed in the Lautner family home

13. You learned that in Hollywood and throughout most of the world, being a good Christian boy confuses people into thinking you’re gay (the leather and subscription to Men’s health don’t help either)

14. You are adopted. But Big Daddy Lautner won’t tell & still blames your differences on a “thyroid issue”

15. Every year for your birthday Rob has bought you a case of Heineken. Every year you have let it go to waste because you made a vow not to drink until you’re legally able to (21 in the US for all you foreigners!)

16. The$12,500,000 + 2.5% of the gross times TWO that you’re making for Breaking Dawn Parts 1 & 2 are just sitting in a can under your bed. You have absolutely no idea what to do with it (Call me! I have some ideas)

17. You’ve considered being the one who cashes in on the “Robsten” story after People Magazine offered you 2 mil to tell YOUR side of Rob & Kristen’s love story

18. Even though you’re a regular LTT reader, you didn’t realize what we meant when we said Taylor Swift was DTF until the other night when you accidentally watched “The Jersey Shore” http://letterstotwilight.com/2010/11/05/back-to-december-and-back-to-swiftner-we-break-it-down/

19. When you go to football games or go see the Lakers play, you are actually there for the sport & not just to see the Cheerleaders

Happy 19th Birthday Taylor! I can’t believe you’re almost out of your teen years!!!!

Love US & All of us at LTT! XOXO

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98 Commented


The Crystal Ball of Twilight – What does the future hold?

In the year 2000000000

Dear Twilight,

I was just reading this lovely Hollywood Reporter post yesterday about your movie studio, Summit’s money woes in trying to get their business refinanced. Now, of course we don’t know anything about how this all works and how money is made and spent and financiers but UC and I got to talking after I sent her the link. She asked me if, after all this Twilight stuff, after all it’s success, after all the clams it made and after all the stuff we went through, if I could imagine if Summit folded. I honestly laughed thinking it might just be the best ending for this whole thing. Of course I don’t wish any ill will and hope they keep on making shiz, but it made me laugh and also made me think about the future of the rest of the cast, people involved and Stephenie herself . Our conversation made me think of one of my favorite Conan O’Brien skits called “In the Year 2000” where he and a guest would dress up in weird futuristic space capes and talk about what will happen in the future while they held flashlights pointed at their chin. Amazing. Of course.

So let’s fast forward to the year 2000 and see what happens after Summit folds and Twilight the movies are no more…

Rob quits acting and moves into into a hovel with TomStu where they form a Jackson Rathbone/100 Monkey’s-esque performance troupe and tour the country side of small eastern block european countries. They are begged by the Russian government to be specimens in a body odor experiment

Kristen moves to the the way west valleto take over her mom’s wolf hybrid breeding business with her life partner

After being dumped by every goodie two shoes in Hollywood, Taylor Lautner vows to a life of celibacy and becomes the Christian Tom Cruise

Catherine Hardwicke is finally blackballed from every major media outlet after continuing to rant on about the Robsten audition tape long after no gave a crapsten anymore. She moves to Puerto Vallerta to meet some groovy Mexican beach bums and films her passion project: a documentary about the creator of the Margarita

Stephenie Meyer lets loose and bares her shoulders while on a weekend wine tasting trip WITH US to Napa. Oh yes, she starts drinking. Who wouldn’t after all this?

Ashley Greene will become the next Jennifer Aniston complete with wildly popular tv series, a string of movies where she plays the same character (herself), a failed marriage to Joe Jonas/Kellan Lutz/whoever and spends her days jetting to Mexico thinking about her cats and “the one that got away” (Spoiler: Jackson Rathbone).

Tips welcome!

Jackson Rathbone runs away to join the circus as a one-man-band after he learns that Ashley Greene (aka “The one that got away) is marrying Joe Jonas/Kellan Lutz/Whoever.

Justin Chon becomes the biggest movie star in the world!

Big Daddy – After becoming a contestant on The Biggest Loser and getting his butt kicked by new trainer and LTT reader Olivia he becomes the Subway/Jared-esque spokesperson for McDonalds new GRILLED fish sandwich.

Solomon Trimble – Yea, I just don’t think I can make a manager at the Home Depot joke. He ran away to Puerto Vallerta with Cathi to be her pool boy / key grip / Margarite pour-er.

Xavier Samuel will still be hot.

Dakota Fanning will win her 239th consecutive Homecoming Queen title even thought she will have graduted decades prior.

So what started out as an innocent convo about what the hale is happening with this refinancing turned into something we just had to share. Because really WHAT will they be doing after Twilight is all over… your guess is as good as ours!

In the year two thouuuuusaaaaaand!
Themoonisdown

66 Commented


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