Rating the New Moon Trailer

Dear Twi-hards,

Introducing Moon & UC Grade something. It’s just like Breaking-it Down Vanity Fair Style, but just with us. Sometimes The Quad is busy & this is just easier. Today we grade the New Moon Trailer. Oh, you haven’t seen it? Clearly you’re not a real fan, but we’ll let it slide. Check it out then let us know if you agree with our grade scale:

Love,
UC & Moon

Here’s a fun game. See if you can count how many times we say “Dude”

Moon: Wanna break down the trailer, right now?
UC: Yes. This feels so forced. Like we scheduled sex. 6/1/09 9:00 pm SEX
Moon: Let me close the door (sounds like we’re doing something dirrrrty)
UC: dude i’m drunk. Okay I’m reading. i mean. i’m ready
Moon:  one second let me enlarge this sucker
UC:  that’s what she said

chesttouchEdward & Bella
Moon:  ok so he says “you’re my only reason to stay.. alive.. IF thats what i am”
WHAT?!
UC:  The husband just said “such predictable dialogue” Um, no commentary from you, thank you very much
Moon:  it’s stephenie meyer- everything is predictable.  So…what Edward says doesnt even make sense
UC: “you’re my only reason to stay alive..if that’s what i am.” What does that mean!?
Moon:  WHAT?!
UC:  WHEN is that part?
Moon: It’s in the cullen house. Before the bday party?? Maybe after? Either way that line makes no sense, but he could speak pig latin and i’d listen
UC: “ihay ovelay youhay obray.” It’s kinda sexy.. the way she’s all up on his chest.. with her hand. I’m kinda turned on right now. DAMNIT 3rd glass of wine
Moon:  he could be like “i farted cause i ate a bean buritto” and i’d be like WOW- profound
Moon:  ok not really but ya know. It’s like when someone speaks a different langauge than you and it sounds hot even if they’re asking where the bathroom is. He’s working THAT
UC: He totally is. He’s working that sexy, drool-worthy voice that you know he doens’t have in real life. In between takes he was totally burping Kristen’s name

Rose rocks a hot bitchface

Rose rocks a hot bitchface

The Party (:31)
Moon:  we need to break down the outfits
UC:  first impression: House..l.. um YES… major win over the last house, which i loved
Moon:  yea i LOVED the last house. I want to MARRY the last house
UC:  House= win. so romantic. I so hope that the hubby does that exact thing for our annivesary celebration tonight.
Moon:  the two houses don’t look like they go together
UC:  i want to marry THIS house. They’re diff houses, but I love them both. This is an upgrade. Let’s discuss the coloring. It’s great. I wasn’t against the blue. I liked the blue. It was depressing, rainy. I thought it was nice, but the warm golden colors? I like
Moon: The blue color was dreary twilight, and I think the change to warn tones reflects the change to the wolves and earthy shiz like the quilutes. LOVE the new look
UC:  Um Alice= my bff. She shoulda worn THAT Sunday night to MTV cuz it’s major win. Also notice NO showing of Nikki/Rosalie except for one bitch-face moment that I’m about to screen cap
Moon:  No joke, Ash’s wig is better than her bouffant from last night
Moon:  Rose looks hot for once and not like she fell out of a TJ Max sale rack like she did in Twilight.
UC:  right. Ross Black Friday special
Moon:  seriouisly lest we forget her ACID wash jeans
UC:  she goes well with uncle jesse
UC: Esme? Uh, make me a vamp now and make her my mama
Moon:  Esme will always be hot and timeless. NEED that dress
UC:  WILL BUY that dress on ebay. For $7,000 if I have to. Will fight over any Twimom to get it.

jasperbuffont

"Won't you be my supper?"

UC:  so far I’m in love with Chris Weitz. Can we discuss the manly sound we hear “Alice that cake could feed 50. you guys don’t even eat”
UC:  It’s like Kristen said “damn, it’s 3am, i don’t give a F*ck… i’m gonna sound like it’s 3am. Or like I ate a frog.”
Moon:  uh JASPER- aka:  Mr Rogers cardigan and a poodle wig
UC:  SO nasty! Seriously. Almost as bad as sweat fest 2009 at the khyber in philly
Moon:  he’s all top heavy with that hair, makes him look like a pinhead. I’m so sad and underwhelmed.  Sweatfest was better

Not so fast, you sweaty monkey, you

Not so fast, you sweaty monkey, you

The dramatic, small flesh wound (:43)
Moon: Jasper running is ridiculous! totes diff than how i imagined it but awesome
UC: poor piano
Moon:  next time i get a papercut im going to fling whatever it is im holding in the air. totally dramatic “OW PAPERCUT!”
UC:  Yes! Then throw someone on the piano! And ruin it. Even though it’s an antique from the 1800s that Bach played in the 1600. F*ck it. Who cares.
Moon:  thats how you react to small flesh wounds
UC:  Caust it’s a MUCH bigger deal than Bella getting her period
Moon:  dude you can totally see the harness and wires on jasper/stunt double. It’s all rumbled and a big square thing on his back
UC: Rush job!
Moon: yes definite rush job
UC:  Insert note from the Hubby “how many times do you think you’re gonna watch that clip? You probably should a bunch more. You don’t want to miss any foreshadowing or symbolism” (this is where I get my wonderful sarcasm)

See where Bella gets sad and Chris Hansen comes after us, after the jump

Continue…

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A birthday party with the Cullens

Dear Moon,

Tonight, the Cullen family cordially invites you over to their home to celebrate your birthday.  I know you don’t like surprises, so I snooped around to see what gifts the family was going to surprise you with and I have some advice:

carlisleesmeCarlisle is going to let you get any medical procedure at 10% off (Tues-Fri. only) although he is willing to “change you” for free. He also offered to introduce you to his son….

Esme promises to hug you often, but more gentle than any other member of the family. And if you were to hit if off with that son that Carlisle mentioned, she is offering free advice on being intimate with a vampire…

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edwardEdward promises to lend you his jacket for the evening as well as hitch your leg over his hip.

If that’s not good enough, you can take a spin in his volvo- I hear the seats go all the way back, if you know what I’m saying. (This is where Esme’s advice will come in handy!) Remember to take your birth control pill!

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_rosalie_haleRosalie has graciously offered to stay out of your way for most of the evening. She also has promised to keep her jealousy of you under wraps.

And that pesky little girl who follows Edward around? Bella something…? Well, Rose promises to be a fake lesbian with her for the night so you and Edward have some alone time (Wait.. is the fake lesbian theme in the Twilight Saga at all? Cuz the lines between twi-reality & our blog-reality are blurring…)

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emmettcullenBear hugs are Emmett’s specialty, and he loves giving them out. Watch out though- he might get a little frisky and try to turn them into “special hugs.”

After your done with his hugs, ask him to read you his favorite Bible story- the one about Samson.  He can’t get enough of Bible characters with superhuman strength!

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Alice-Cullen-twilight-movie-2185809-800-600Besides Edward, Alice is going to be the best thing about your birthday party! Not only will Alice tell you whether or not you’ll need that ‘intimacy with a vampire’ advice from Esme, but she’ll let you know what other presents Edward is surprising you with (ya know, just so you know how much you need to thank him)

Not sure what to wear tonight? No prob! Alice will be at your house 1 hour early with 2 bags full of high-end designer options. Plus she’ll do your hair & your make-up…..! You’re gonna look so smokin’ at this party that Rosalie won’t stick by her promise to keep her jealousy in check- plus Emmett & Jasper are gonna be begging Edward for details on your two…. (no pressure…)

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JasperHaleUh, Jasper won’t be there. He isn’t invited to birthday parties anymore…. the last one didn’t go so well…

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Enjoy your night! Happy birthday! Remember.. I’m the first to know all hook-up with Edward details!

XO,
UnintendedChoice

PS: See what Rob & The Quad did for Moon’s big day over at Letters To Rob

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Sunday Morning Worship – Girls of Twilight

Dear LTT Worshipers (mostly the dudes today!) and ladies of Twilight-

In light of all the recent brouhaha over the  release of the Wolfpack official picture, the ET promo clips where we swooned hardcore over Jacob, the whole Jackson and the bat thing and well of course our main squeeze Rob we thought we’d spend this Sunday fawning over the ladies of Twilight. After all we thought it was time to throw you guys a bone for putting up with all our crazy fangirl-ness.

Really can we blame you? These ladies are HOT and deserved to be drooled over… so dear Sunday morning worshipers join with me and sing the praises of the ladies of Twilight…

rachellebluetop
Oh Rachelle how we love thee… and covet your beautiful red hair… trust me I ask for this color every time I sit down in the stylists chair. But no one can pull it off quite like you do! You’re like the classy girl everyone wanted to be in college but somehow couldn’t achieve.

nikkireedblack

Ohhh Nikki… there’s just something about you. Something just under the surface that I can never quite figure out. You seem like the girl that’s friends with all the boys and pals around with them. And I gotta love and respect that cause I’m the same way. I kinda hate to admit it but I feel like if we ever really knew each other we’d be friends cause we’re too similar not to be.

elizabethreaser
Elizabeth Reaser, we don’t talk enough about you here but you bring just that extra touch of class that this production needs. You ARE Esme and we love you for that. Oh and we totally think Rob had a thing for you at the Vanity Fair photoshoot. Seriously, watch the tapes and look at the pics. Just saying…

salute
This one’s for you Armyunicorn! A salute from KStew to you! This probably has to be one of my top 2 favorite pictures of Miss Stewart. It not only showcases her underlying beauty that she usually keeps under wraps but is also one of the most kickin’ wardrobe choices for her. THE SHOES, please! Ok, sorry I know this is for the menfolk, sorry. Look at those stems!

vintageashleyfur
Ashley! What else is there to say about our BFF but hot damn?! And we seriously don’t know what is wrong with the boys of Twilight that they haven’t snatched you up yet. Seriously! Oh and to one of our other Unicorns Jordan, this one’s for you!

Happy Sunday… as you leave please remain mindful of those who wish to stay and worship a little while longer!
Themoonisdown

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Character tribute: Jasper & Alice

Dear Jasper and Alice-

It’s no secret… I love you kids like a Twimom loves Edward or a fat kid loves cake so when I saw this Jenbona video I was jumping up and down. First of all it’s you guys. duh. But secondly she used one of my favorite songs by Lamb: ” Gabriel” and it’s pretty much too perfect for words.

Sometimes I read the Twilight saga and wish it was really about you two… or maybe I wish Stephenie Meyer would just write a whole series centered on your story cause you seem so much more complex. Start it right when you walk in the diner Jasper, to meet Alice. I really wanna hear that conversation and also show us how you meet up with the Cullens. Oh well… maybe someday. Maybe never…

Love ya! XO
Themoonisdown

PS check out more music by Lamb!! You won’t be disappointed!

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A Tribute to Alice Cullen

Dear Alice,

Many months ago Moon & I pushed the little heart on YouTube to “favorite” this video tribute to you. I just watched it again tonight and got goosebumps because it’s a great tribute set to a great song:

The girl who created the video apologized for using another girl most of the time b/c there isn’t much out there with Ashley Green (which is soon to change!)

I thought I’d name today “Alice Cullen Day” and throw out all the reasons why, next to Edward, you’re my favorite character in the Twilight Saga. (Well, also after Mrs. Cope, but duh, that goes without saying)

  • Because you can’t remember your human life, yet you seem the most compassionate to human feelings and emotions
  • Because of your love for Jasper- how you waited for him, how you knew he was coming! I can only imagine how hard it was to ignore those visions of your first, ahem, time together for all those years
  • Because you are a true, committed friend
  • Because of your connection with your brother, Edward.
  • Because you saw Bella coming and knew Edward would love her and you were right, so you’re smart which is another reason I love you
  • Because you knew that you’d be bff’s w/ Bella someday
  • Because you get to rip off James’ head in the movie, which is awesome since he’s the reason you’re a vamp in the first place and it was a brilliant move on Catherine Hardwicke’s part- one that Stephenie Meyer should’ve thought of!
  • Because the girl they picked to play you in the movie is Ashley Greene and she embodies you and IS you and dresses the cutest and is sweet and humble and we’re bff’s now and she’d probably be real creeped out if she ever read this, but Hi Ash! I’m normal, I promise! Let’s go shopping!
  • You’re the one who shows up in New Moon and rescues us from almost ending up with that dog
  • Because you have a great fashion sense and attempt to help Bella at any cost, any time which is a huge task b/c she dresses so fugly. Member that sweater Edward describes in Midnight Sun? Ugh!
  • Because you’re the most huggable marble-skinned vampire out there even more than Edward. Of course, he usually prefers my ‘special hugs.’
  • Because you gave Bella a huge closet which, ps, she only pretended to ‘play in for hours’
  • You come back in Breaking Dawn and I cry. The end

Hugs (and ps- can you tell me when I’m moving to California… it’d really help me with my summer plans…),

UnintendedChoice

What did I forget? I know there are many more reasons. Why do YOU love, Alice Cullen?

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