The Cullen/Swan Wedding Reception

Dear Bella Cullen’s Wedding Reception,

Having just got married, oh, last weekend, I’m “down with the kids” on this whole wedding thing. I mean, I even sported the Bella barrette before you made it popular (and don’t pretend Alice didn’t steal the idea from ME!

"I'm crying because I'm so moved you used my hair barrette just like Team Seth did with her mom's hair barrette in her wedding, which happened before yours."

I know Alice saw me make my decision to wear my mom’s hair barrette before I made it. Then she STOLE the idea. Right out of my head. She’s supposed to use her powers for good–or is that witches? Too many vampire shows.)

Anyway, back to the letter… So, recently TeamJacobEdward emailed me back from the slathering of wedding photos I sent her and closed the email with: “PS did Jacob show up and steal a dance before he attended you to Edward Mr. Seth?”  [Don't you just love her for using the word "attended"? I know I do.]

Her postscript got me to thinking.

For the weeks leading up to the event, I joked about how I wanted Murray Gold to come and stop the wedding in one of those over-the-top elaborate, only-happens-in-the-movies kind of ways; profess his love for me after speeding from the airport, drenched in rain all The Notebook sex scene style… You know, that sort of thing.  (if you don’t know who Murray is, go here for an impertinent informational interview)  But when the day came, as NatteringYeahRobber predicted, I didn’t think about Murray at all! (which is actually *not* true since I played one of his songs in my ceremony, thus his name was on our program…Murray will live on at my wedding forever! *does the Vincent Price laugh* (which was ALSO at the wedding via “Thriller”))

But I didn’t think about him coming into the wedding and sweeping me away–or cutting in for a dance or even just surprising me by showing up. I was caught up in the evening, having fun and eating the delicious cheese ravioli, dancing to the great New Wave that our DJ dropped and drinking porters.

Unlike Murray at my wedding, we know Jacob DOES show up to steal a dance with the bride. Sure, it will be exciting and emotionally moving, if not a little awkward.  But do you really want that?

If I can't come, Bella, I don't want you to come!

Let’s think about it. We all know I’m a fan of Jacob and like him better than Edward—but not for Bella. Bella and Edward are perfect for each other. Jacob is not compatible with her (just her egg?) and thus it’s not a good match. So, in Eclipse when he was all “And maybe even then.” after Bella said “Right. Until my heart stops beating.” in that sweat lodge bedroom of his, she should have thought, “Okay, we’ve made our peace. He’s gotten my admission of love and some mountain top tongue action. Neither of us died in battle. Now it’s over. I’m committed to Edward 100% and cannot wait to live my life with him, forever.”  So, when Jacob shows up all shaggy haired and disheveled looking to touch the bride’s shapely body and virgin white dress with his grubby little rejected twice-over hands, do you really want that?

You don’t.

"Remember when Jacob showed up disheveled at our wedding wanting to dance with you? What a lame-o!"

You want him to just do the mature thing and not show up at all. To call or email Bella saying he won’t be able to make it and he’s truly sorry, but he’s just not up for it. He wishes her and Edward all the best and hopes that they can stay friends moving forward. (And to give him a call when her demon fetus comes of age, so that he can finally get laid.) You don’t want him to make some covert just-off-to-the-side-of-the-dance-floor appearance to say his piece before fursploding off into the woods!  Talk about an overreaction to the water for elephant in the room!

The reality is, you want to be a happy occasion that everyone remembers fondly as being fun and pleasant. Sure there’s always the ‘problem person’ (one of my groom’s party members showed up to the ceremony completely wasted. It was…lovely), but if you had the choice of having that or not, do you really want that?

You don’t. You just don’t.

With Kind Regards,
Team Seth

ps-Do you think they’ll play a modified version of White Wedding that says “It’s a nice day for a pale wedding!” ?? (fingers crossed!)

pps-Mr. Seth always say “grubby little hands”, that’s why I threw it in there. Not because Jacob’s massive sexy lingering hands are grubby. Ahem. DH shout out! (teehee, I said DH)

ppps-It’s good to be back! (Said in my Damon voice, as heard in every single “Previously on the Vampire Diaries” from season 1)

Congrats on the new husband, Team Seth!! May your first year of marriage NOT include a baby that eats you from the inside out!!

Team Seth makes some great points…Jacob kinda RUINS the moment there…. I mean… not gonna complain when I see it on screen. Pretty sure I’m going to cry…. What about you??? Did your or does your dream wedding include “Interruption by ex/boy that COULD have been?”

OOPS: Last week, like an idiot, I said if you want to join us for an LTT part in LA in a few weeks (specifically Sunday 11/13) E-mail Us and included the email address for my work. TWICE. So, no- a hot tub company is not looking to throw a Twilight party in a few weeks, but WE are.. so E-mail Us if you’re interested!

REMINDER: Hate the ads? Press MUTE (the volume button) in 4 places. There ya go! All fixed.

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82 Commented


The one where we discuss Bella having the EASIEST pregnancy EVER

At about 12:30 last night Mr. Choice said to me “It sounds like instead of blogging you’re playing with your new Facebook profile.” He was right. Sorry LTTers. You’re welcome Zuckerberg. (and for the record, I like the changes. According to FB my very first convo, on 2/1/2005, was with my roommate at the time and was exactly this “…Adam Brody.. ughhh”) Okay onto Twilight:

Yep, you guesed it! I'm going to post lots of pictures of Kristella pregnant today

Dear readers,

Warning: If you don’t have kids, and are squeamish, you should know that this letter contains lots of over-sharing about pregnancy symptoms.  Of course, if you’re squeamish you should probably think twice about getting pregnant, period.  As much as I love having kids, I wish somebody would have told me about all the stuff pregnancy entails.  And you might as well hear it from me, ‘cause your mama’s not going to tell you.  She wants grandkids too much.

Dear Bella,
I’m not one of those girls who hates you.  You know the ones—those TwiHards who want you to drop dead so they can have Edward to themselves.  Because, obviously that’s gonna happen.  Yeah, you have your stupid, whiny moments, Bella, but don’t we all?  Stephenie sketched you brilliantly loosely so we can all identify with/ pretend to be you… and who doesn’t want to be eighteen and adored by the hottest boy on the planet?  As much as I love you (and, let’s face it, Edward) Ms. Meyer was right: if she wants to write more after Breaking Dawn she has to move on to a different narrator because we can’t identify with you as much, so it’s not the same reading experience.

The beginning of Breaking Dawn is the ultimate imagine-yourself-in-Bella’s-shoes read.  Getting to fill in the fade-to-sad blanks with all our favorite dream-honeymoon fantasies is a ridiculous amount of fun.  But then you get pregnant.  And it was a fun ride the first time I read it, before I’d had children.  But after two children in the last two years I can’t help but roll my chuckle at the melodrama of it all.  And I love the rest of your melodrama—souls, vampire law, trying to save your indestructible boyfriends and all—but the pregnancy stuff just makes me roll my eyes these days.

Being pregnant with a vampire baby is PURE BLISS!

Your kid sucking your life away from within?  Honey, virtually every woman who gestates a child feels like that for at least 8 weeks of the first trimester and 10 weeks of the last, and you did it for WAY less time than that.  And try doing that first trimester while still breastfeeding your first kid.  Not for wusses.  So maybe your kid broke your spine.  Psshh, whatever.   Try having feet shoved in your ribs and a head whacking your cervix for four months.  Especially fun when they get hiccups.  I’ll give you credit though—you whined way less than I did while pregnant.  Of course, you had Edward to do the whining for you.

Speaking of which, the day you figured out you were pregnant you suddenly see a baby bump.  I get the accelerated growth thing, but there’s no way that’s your first physical change.  By the time there’s a baby bump your boobs have been swollen for weeks.  And there’s no way Edward’s vampire vision would have missed that fact.  Of course, those unusually large bosooms would have hurt so much that even you—sex-starved martyr that you are—wouldn’t let him touch them.  This is ultimate irony of pregnancy as far as daddies are concerned.  Now there’s a reason for him to be whiney.

And you had a house full of super-powerful vampires and werewolves doting on you, valiantly trying to meet your every need.  I just had a needy toddler, a house full of moving boxes to unpack, and a husband who works 60 hour weeks.  Not feeling the sympathy, girl.

You missed out on so many of the joys of pregnancy, Bella.  I’m going to fill you in on a few of them, and I’m sure you’ll get some great additional information from our delightful commenters.

  • Will you come to my white trash baby shower?

    Of course eating fried chicken made you puke.  I couldn’t touch meat—let alone cook it—for months.  Except sausage and shrimp.  Because what pregnant women will and won’t eat is always logical.

  • Forget eating making you puke, try gagging every time you brush your teeth for four months.  Especially fun because when you puke you then need to brush your teeth again.
  • Creeped out by those crazy dreams you keep having?  At least you’re sleeping.  Between the back aches, the weight on your middle mandating you sleep on your side even though you’ve always slept on your back, and straight-up insomnia, sleep’s a precious commodity.  Even before that newborn keeps you up all night.  Oh, wait, you missed that newborn sleep deprivation part too.
  • Be thankful you were cooped up in that beautiful house being taken care of ridiculously well.  Going out in public just means awkward stares, unsolicited advice, and having to find something presentable to wear that fits this week.
  • Not holding down any food probably means you missed out on the fun of a itty-bitty smooshed bladder, constipation, diarrhea…  Too graphic?  As I’ve been saying, normal pregnancy ain’t pretty, dear.
  • That whole emergency C-section via vampire teeth thing wasn’t pretty, but you didn’t go through a single contraction, let alone days of labor or hours of pushing.  You get bonus points for delivering without an epidural, though.
  • You totally skip breastfeeding, and nobody laid a “if-you-really-loved-your-child-you-would” guilt trip on you.  No pumping, cracking, engorgement or living life in three hour chunks for you.
  • Need we start in on the fact that without the healing powers of vampire venom post-partum breasts are never the same, you’ve got a pooch where your abs used to be, varicose veins, stretch marks, there’s no sex allowed for six weeks more or less, none of your shoes fit…
  • And you had Alice to deal with all the clothes havoc.  From needing new bras within weeks of getting pregnant to having NOTHING that fits for six months post-partum, but not wanting to buy anything because it (hopefully) will be too big soon, having children is a wardrobe catastrophe.
  • And then when your baby is born she sleeps, so you can too!  Oh, wait, you couldn’t, could you?  But you got fabulous vampire sex instead of unending exhaustion, so it doesn’t count.

Just did a little preggers photoshoot for Eddie

Can I continue down the road for a second and tell you about the fun of toddlers who don’t have advanced comprehension of the universe or ability to communicate via mind-meld and therefore spend a couple hours out of every day throwing fits?  That’s probably a different letter, isn’t it?

I hope my letter hasn’t made you too sad about all those human experiences you missed, Bella.  I think you’ll probably deal with what I’ve told you just fine.  I wouldn’t show it to Edward if I were you, though.  It would make him unbearably angsty for days to think about all the amazing things you gave up to be with him.

All my best,
Bea

P.S.  Uptight readers, stop freaking out on me.  I love my children, mostly enjoy breastfeeding, and think childbirth is one of the most crazy-amazing things you will ever do.  I just hate being pregnant.

Hilarious look at the human experiences Bella LUCKILY missed out on in her life! Can you think of any more? (Oh, and Bea sent this letter late July. I asked for an update, but haven’t heard back yet. I sure hope she had the baby. Cuz her pregnancy sounds AWFUL. They’re not all like that, right? Like, if & when I have kids I can expect to never crave meat, gain weight, feel aches, fart in public, complain, cry, regret letting Mr. Choice plant his seed in me? RIGHT?)

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

Oh.. and I couldn’t leave you without posting this AWESOME find from last night:

85 Commented


A letter to the Cullens, Corner shop owners:

From time to time I forget about the Cullens. In a world of Rob and Robsten and Taysten and Big Daddy, it’s easy to forget we actually liked the Cullens first. But this letter reminded me today of those vampires we all fell for so very long ago:

Dear Cullen family,

Every once in a while I drive by your corner market and deli. I know it’s yours because

  1. you named it after yourself.
  2. I think you probably have a little entrepreneurial spirit in you.
  3. It makes perfect sense that you’d move from Forks to Portland Oregon – stay where the weather suits you… and
  4. You like to keep a low profile and what’s lower than a corner grocery in a somewhat seedy part of town?

What I’ve been wondering is who’s minding the store? (No, I’ve never stopped in to see. I’m not sure about the neighborhood and, more importantly, how would I explain my reaction to my daughters and husband if Edward happened to be behind the counter? I’m just pretending that my husband doesn’t think I’m crazy already.)

I went through each person in your family, debating on who I’m most likely to run into:

Run the family business? No way! I'm too busy being a Doctor & having very unfortunate hair

Carlisle – Well obviously, no.  I mean you’re busy as a Dr. I’d be more likely to run into you at my job at the hospital (oh please, please come sauntering through my door in your white lab coat a la Twilight!)

Esme – There’s no way. As you can see, the building has no architectural integrity to it whatsoever. If you ever got close to it I’m sure it would be much more aesthetically pleasing. I mean, there are bars on the windows and the paint on the sign is chipping away!

Jasper – While you would be helpful in soothing the minds of all the potential armed robbers that come waltzing through the doors I think that trying to control all of those out of control emotions would eventually overwhelm you. Then we’d have a highly trained soldier with a nervous breakdown who also happens to like to snack on human blood on our hands. Low profile gone. Why don’t you stay away from that store Jasper, just a friendly suggestion.

You should have SEEN the customer's outfits today, Bella. There was flannel & pull-overs and... oh... you would've fit right in...

Alice – Well, you could definitely have everyone’s purchases bagged and ready for them when they walked through the door but I think that having to face all of those poorly dressed customers would drive you crazy. So there, you and Jasper both gone crazy – I think we’ve established that neither one of you should get anywhere near that place.

Edward – Oh how I wish you were tending the store, Edward. But then again, maybe not. I might be embarrassed to have you see what I’m purchasing and, since you can read minds, there’s no way I could sneak that emergency pack of tampons in with the random gum, milk and motor oil I’m piling on the counter to distract you. Plus, I just don’t think you could hold it together with all of the customers coming in and out with their mundane and pedestrian thoughts assaulting you all day. You’d definitely lose your cool and toss one out the front door.

Bella – Well, to put it simply, if Edward wasn’t there you’re certainly not going to be there! Not that I can blame you.  Plus, you’ve already worked retail at Newton’s Outfitters so I think you’ve put in your customer service time. Whew, you dodged a bullet!

Rosalie – Are you kidding? There’s no way in hell you’d be caught dead working retail at Barneys, much less some disgusting little corner store that serves the sweaty and uncouth masses. I don’t even know why you’re on this list of considerations!

I give them one look at these abs and the customers buy extra cans of Spam!

Emmet – Yep, it’s totally you, isn’t it? You’re gregarious and big. Perfect for laughing and joking so that the gawkers become repeat customers and the potential robbers are scared away since they know you’d totally kick their ass. You’ve probably made friends with half the locals by this time, haven’t you? In fact, you’re probably having so much fun that someone needs to keep you in line. Oh! So Rosalie is there! Sorry Rose. That’s what happens when you fall for a big goof. Just stay in the back and don’t rip out anyone’s throat ok? You’ll have to move on in a few more years and hopefully it’ll just fade into a bad memory.

Well, I’ve figured it out…Now I just have to figure out how to hold it together when I make an impromptu visit and not blow your cover.

Thinking about what kind of sandwich I might order from the deli,

Sarah

Of COURSE I googled this place and of COURSE they have a Yelp page & turns out Sarah was wrong about all of the above. According to one reviewer, the guy running the place is “an over-reacting Asian.” I’m guessing college didn’t work out for Eric Yorkie & The Cullen’s hired him to run their family biz. BIG Thumbs up to the first person who writes a Cullen’s Corner Yelp Review and mentions THE Cullens!

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

30 Commented


Breaking Dawn… business cards!?

Dear Twilight,

A few weeks ago USA Today featured the Breaking Dawn promo cards given out at Comic Con (Moon? Are you reading this in Africa? Did you get these). They were horrific.

We’ve seen the pictures before. They are gracing us on the pages of the 2011/2012 Breaking Dawn Calendar. I think they’re supposed to get us excited for Breaking Dawn. Instead….. well, MarbleNutSlut though they looked more like bad business cards:

I jumped in on the fun with my own interpretations:

Looking forward to doing business with these 3!

Love,
UnintendedChoice (and MarbleNutSlut!)

Why are these promo pictures so horrible? What other occupations could the Twicast be involved with?

No updates from Moon to report so they must be busy running their camp for kids this week in Kenya! But if she gets a few moments to show her Kenyan friends LTT (Ha!) here is another picture to show how much we miss her!

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37 Commented


Bella gets an Ann Taylor credit card, Edward loves the microwave & Jacob has Moobs

Dear Breaking Dawn,

We saw this:


and just couldn’t remain silent:

The one where they’ve given up:

UC: I haven’t had feelings about a poster this strongly since the last time we broke one down where slutty “Wal-mart Cami” Bella came into our lives. I miss those days… She looks so… grown up here. This is Ann Taylor Bella. And I don’t mean Ann Taylor Loft- that’s too hip… I mean old school, business suit Ann Taylor
Moon: And she has the old lady bouffant hair to prove it- and shes made the transition into old married lady too. only wearing her wedding band and not that the “cheese grater” ring as one of our readers calls it
UC: right. She’s given up- clearly.. Old & married.. time to just do whatever with her hair and… did her breasts grow? Did she put on the “I got married and gained 15 pounds” look?
Moon: its all the “Italiano” the Cullens are cooking her, and because she’s PREGGO. DUH! eating cartons of eggs in a single sitting will do that. and i bet blood is high calories too
UC: that’s true…. it probably is, but seriously… can we agree that whoever styles these “official” photoshoots is the worst ever? think it’s the neice of some summit exec.. and that’s why she hasn’t been fired after all these years?
Moon: yes i whole heartedly agree who ever is styling these is crazy and / or blind.
And since we’re on the subject of old marrieds…. can we say that Rob has also given up? He has a pot belly. Look what shes holding on to! when did Edward cullen get a lil extra cushion in the front???
UC: He was sneaking eggs too maybe on Isle Esme, or maybe Jake gave him what Edward thought were “roids” but instead were just protein bars full of fat & sodium. Taylor’s getting more jacked while Edward fattens up. He wants Bella to stray…. well, until he notices her new wardrobe & huge new hair
Moon: he pulled the ol’ swedish nutrition bars trick from Mean Girls on Edward. He’s gonna send Edward valentines carnations and make Bella wonder what going on. then she comes to the reservation and leaves Edward for Jacob
UC: yep. Does it look like Bella & Edward hit up the same salon in Rio? Got the same exact hair color?
Moon: Yes, the hair color they asked for is “Jacob’s benetint lip stain red” It seriously all matches
UC: haha or some intern went a little crazy with photoshop. again- another neice of a Summit exec

The one where we reminisce Eddie

Eddie CullenUC: you know what I miss in this image though? Eddie. Remember him? Couldn’t they have photoshopped Eddie here? I mean, I guess it doesn’t make sense with the story….
Moon: HAHAHAA . where’s Eddie’s van?
UC: OH- they could’ve shopped Nessie- creepy Nessie with an expression that says something like “watch out bitches. Don’t hug each other’s love handles too tight. I’m gonna to ruin it all soon enough”this is such a great post
Moon: HAHA

Moon: Solomon Trimble gave her some of his hot oil treatments
Calliope: so true. right before he got shipped off to a different tribe because he wasn’t studly enough.”
HAHAHA

UC: hahahah. Poor Solomon. and also true:

Calliope: I think imaginary/controlling/crazy mind of Bella- Edward shall be called Eddie. Because Edward wouldn’t haunt your thoughts. But a dude named Eddie- definitely would”

hahaha… UGH.. i miss when it was fun like this!!! DEAR SUMMIT & TWILIGHT : RED HAIR is LESS FUN than EDDIE

UC: Eddie is in the dark corners of your room- under your bed
Moon: Eddie’s the guy who comes up when you search convicted fellons/rapists in your neighborhood on the internet”

Eddie Cullen Van

Click for lols

UC: Look how fun all this was! Eddie might have creeped in your room when you were sleeping and peeked in on you in the shower, but at least he was FUN. ANN TAYLOR is not fun!

UC: Eddie drives a van
Moon: with no windows. Eddie’s the guy who rips tags off sofa cushions”

Moon: married chubby Edward is not fun
UC: I’ll take cigarette burns for “Fun” with Eddie over Edward’s married flub anyday
Moon: Jacob has some serious MOOBS- man boobs
UC: he DOES. is he feeling the pregnancy along with Bella?

UC: [Look at Edward] All up in Jacob’s grill. Eddie likes to get behind moon. Likes it from Behind Moon
Moon: THATS WHAT I SAID
UC: Eddie changed the phrase to “That’s what Eddie said” cuz he’s a perv”

I LOVE US
Moon: HAHAHAAHAH!! Now Edward just likes it from the microwave or the drive through window
UC: hahhaha
Moon: he doesnt even know what behind is unless its behind a hungry man dinner
UC: or behind the couch- where sometimes the remote falls.. He’s too lazy to get it so he just buys another remote. he has a closet with like 35 remotes just in case
Moon: he doesn’t care about cars anymore, just remotes and when mcd’s is bringing back the mcrib again
UC: Breaking Dawn Edward was actually modeled after Big Daddy. they had to- it was written in Taylor’s contract

Thomas Kinkade for Twilight?

Moon: its also like this calendar is like three different pictures put together: old married Bella and Edward, Jacob on a box in his new lipstick and a thomas Kinkade painting as the backdrop
UC: Maybe they were thinking of the Twilight Moms for this one? Giving them something classy enough to blow up as an 18×20 and hang above their fireplace mantel for once?
Moon: and “16 months wall calendar” where else are you going to put it??? unless you’re like me and it would say “16 month CLOSET calendar” that will stay on the Rob/Edward picture for like 7 months
UC: I love my Twilight closest calendars. I have at least 3- it’s approximately July 2009, October 2010 & February 2011 right now in my closet
Moon: my Rob calendar is stuck on april because june is a particularly not great month- his mouth is half open. I pretend the months of bad pictures just don’t happen in my Rob calendar year. I’d also like to openly admit that this calendar is hanging next to my framed mini movie posters, one signed by David Slade and one from new moon, and there may or may not be a Jacob barbie doll!! MAN i feel better after saying that
UC: HA HA~!!!! is this a new display since you moved?
I don’t remember seeing this!!

Eddie is bothered

Moon: hopefully breaking dawn movie poster will give me something better than the thomas kinkade married couples picture
it’s in the closet, around the corner. you’d really have to step in there and take a look
UC: when i visit next, after the bathroom, it’s the first place I’ll go in your home. (I’m just anticipating I’ll have to pee. I know myself )
Moon:
I’d like to make an edit on the 3 pictures that made up this calendar… this is actually the headshot Jacob used for his audition for rupaul’s drag race- showing off his mad lipstick and make up game along with his ability to create fantastic man boobs
UC:
DUDE…. Edward looks like Jimmy Fallon there… Edward is bothered!
Moon: SNACKLISH! HUNGERECTOMY! Pumpkins are just dumb fat squashes!!!
UC: Eddie is bothered! He wants his van in this poster!

I feel like such an old man reminiscing about the good ol’ days as much as I do lately, but couldn’t we get a little more for the first really official still from this movie? They better make it up to us!!!

Love,
UnintendedChoice and theMoonisDown

What do you think? Edward looking a little flubby here? Is Bella’s wig the WORST (well, no.. not the worst) How many ‘roids do you think Jacob takes a day (and by Jacob I, of course, mean the real-life person Taylor)

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151 Commented


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