THE wedding dress

Dear Bella Swan-Cullen (you are hyphening your name like a modern woman, right?),

BIG NEWS! Reelz Channel released the exclusive news that Caroline Herrera designed your wedding dress and there is much speculation that we’re going to be seeing a preview ANY day (Can I just throw it out there that I wouldn’t mind waiting until I’m IN the theater for the first time? Anyway, I digress…) Is there a point to discussing this? Your wedding dress? It’s not like it matters. It’s over & done with. It’s dry-cleaned and packed into a garment bag never to be worn again (until 50 years from now when you & Edward move somewhere new & decide to spice up your sexlife & roleplay your honeymoon again & get ALL into it by even recreating your wedding for your new friends who think it’s real) but apparently we’re going to experience the big “reveal” soon (knowing my luck it will be on the day (or hours before) I post this letter!)

But I haven’t talked about it much. Mostly because I’ve been preparing myself to be disappointed. But Bella, look, I’m already married. I already had my dream wedding dress (that’s the back! aw! I think I might take that bad boy out of the closet this weekend!) and so I have nothing to look forward to (except the sadness of not fitting into my dress) but YOURS (okay and my 2 unmarried sisters & friend getting married next week and scores of single friends but whatever) This is about YOU!

And I’ve been nervous. And mostly because well, your clothing has never thrilled me before. I mean this:

I get it. Washingington. Grunge. Hippie-Grunge Blah blah. But this isn’t 1992. Show off that cute little figure. Stop borrowing Charlie’s clothes

And you KNOW how we feel about the khaki skirt you wore to meet the Cullens for the first time (I tried to find a photoshopped image, I really did. But apparently the fandom (and by the fandom, I mean WE) hasn’t made one yet!)

So I’ve been nervous. REALLY nervous. I mean, the fan manips don’t give me much hope. There’s this one with the beautiful green backdrop:

And I know Stephenie wants you in something timeless & old fashioned, but I sure hope it’s less “little bo peep gets married” than this picture:

THIS dress has some potential! (Can you tell I like lace?)

And without picking up Breaking Dawn again because honestly I don’t know what happened to my copy and I’m kinda bummed about it because it was signed by Stephenie- Eek- I think Bella’s dress will have sleeves. I’m not anti-sleeves. Kate Middleton brought back sleeves. So I’m praying it resembles This

and less this

The cartoon version from the The Twilight Saga: The Official Illustrated Guide has potential. I mean, if you can look past the goth look. I LOVE the veil- I do wish the sleeves were a little more open though

You know what I realized while “researching” for this letter? There are FAR too few photo manips of Kristen Stewart in a wedding dress! Come on people!!! you had time to Photoshop THIS but couldn’t give me Kristen in a Badgley Mischka?

Without wasting an entire afternoon looking at wedding dresses (just approximately 1.5 hours), I’ve  decided this is my favorite:

Add sleeves, a gorgeous veil and you have MY PERFECT Bella dress. Now I’ll wait patiently to see what Caroline Hererra did!

Waiting for my invitation,

What do you think? Are you nervous? Do you think we’ll be WOWed!? Do you wish we had to wait until we were sitting in the theater?

DVD Give-away

Holllaaa: We’re giving away a copy of the Catherine Hardwicke-directed, hot boys love triangle, Amanda Seyfried starring Red Riding Hood DVD/Blue-Ray Combo Pack to a random winner to celebrate the release to DVD/Blue-Ray yesterday! To enter just visit: and make sure you leave a comment on this post from now until Friday. We’ll pick a random winner (Unfortunately it’s for the US only. I know, we’re the worst!)

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122 Commented

Breaking it down: The Font and I talk Taylor, bare feet and DOWN THERE!

Dear Taylor,

Sometimes I end up talking to my guy friends about you and not because they want to but because I commandeer the conversation and we go there. I apologize in advance for talking about some sensitive subjects for both you, Jacob and whatever’s going on beneath the Jorts.

(suck it Chris Hanson!)

A first… breaking it down with me and The Font

Take this invite and shove it!

The one where I totally commandeer the convo
The Font: Moon
Moon: The Font…..
*lots of time passes*
Moon: i take it you saw the new jacob picture but you’re too shy to bring it up?? do you want me to start??
Moon: ok… running barefoot?! wtf? am i right??? just because white bread vanilla snoozville bella and edward sent you an F You! wedding invite doesnt mean you need to risk a cold or worse yet needing a tetanus booster when you inevitably step on a nail from running without shoes.
Moon: you send them a F You! gift from their registry and by gift from their registry i mean a flaming bag of crap thrown onto the cullens front porch!!

What should really happen at Edward & Bella's wedding

Moon: or you streak the wedding, dump a bucket of blood on bella a la “carrie” then yell “they’re all vampires you idiots” at the crowd of dumbass townies who couldnt recognize a werewolf if it phased in front of them……
(it’s your turn to jump in…. anytime now….)

The one where he finally gives in and jumps in
The Font: i go get a hot pocket and come back, and this is what happens?!
The Font: why is he BAREFOOT? is that a werewolf thing? or he does not have the twenty seconds to put on shoes?
Moon: i guess when you’re a werewolf in love with a vampire’s girl, pithy things like footwear doesnt matter. if he gets hurt it heals within minutes anyway so i guess he thinks fuck it, try to kill me tetanus!!!

Not exactly the Sports Authority

The Font: still. just for COMFORT’S sake
Moon: well maybe he’s realized it’s not worth it to lose another pair of shoes, because he’ll just get more pissed off, phase and the shoes will shread to pieces anyway. it’s a shitty economy still. he’s being economical and im sure new running shoes arent exactly cheap at newtons outfitters. its not like sports authority. they gotta put mike through community college somehow.

The one where we discuss Jorts vs Stretchy Pants and modesty

Official uniform of the wolfpack and everyone in our neighborhood

The Font: aren’t there stretch shoes for these kinds of things? the hulk always has stretch pants
Moon: you’d think thatd be the way they’d go, but they like the denim jorts. hipster wolves?
The Font: let’s talk about THAT! if they have JEANS on, how are those not ripping? jeans are not exactly known for their give
Moon: ok, here it is… (twi nerd of the day award) they either take them off and stash them into the woods before the phase, or they shread off their bodies. thats pretty much how the explain it in the books and movies. in the books, apparently, they tie an extra pair of shorts or whatever around their legs, in the movies they stash them in the woods
The Font: so concerned with modesty, these wolves

Dude follow the cut, we talk about naked Jacob and SO much more after this

121 Commented

Who should have played Bella?

Dear Twilight-

It’s no secret that I’m not crazy about Kristen Stewart as an actress. Moon & I have admitted as much way back since the beginning of this blog. Well obviously it’s because she’s with Rob obviously b/c obviously I sensed their magicness the first time I saw Twilight and was so jealous obviously. (Do you see what I did there? I used sarcasm to out myself as a nonsten)

No but seriously, I’ve never been crazy about Kristen Stewart as an actress. I’ve said it time & time again. We don’t need to debate her acting right now. You can like Kristen, I don’t care (But if you want to debate it read this post:  it’s a good read)

But we should talk about this question I thought of yesterday:

As I was driving into work I was thinking about LTT. I was thinking about what Moon and I have done for now over 2 years and how to explain it to someone who is outside of it- maybe to someone who doesn’t know Twilight or anything about the fandom. And I realized (or I admitted) that we’ve said some HARSH things over the years. And every time we have we’ve known the backlash we might get or the reactions we probably could expect. We’ve rarely been surprised by a reaction. So I was thinking about explaining to someone about one of the more contentious things we talk about- Kristen. And I was thinking that this imaginary person talking to me in my car might ask me, “Well, if not Kristen, then who would you want to play Bella? ” and I was stumped by myself talking to myself as an imaginary person asking me that question. (I’m crazy in the car in the morning, clearly.)

I don’t know!? Who would I want to play Bella? Kristen Stewart is Bella! I never thought about that before- I never thought about anyone else playing Bella. We’ve never explored that before, even on LTT. So today we’re going to discuss who should’ve played Bella:

Well the first OBVIOUS choice OBVIOUSLY is.. me!

Here are the reasons why. I’m beautiful, as evidenced by this picture:

(Sidenote: That was made for me LONG Before Face-in-a-hole did it. LOOK at the date on the poster!) Also, I’m very sexy (You know, all the things Bella should be) and I really really really want to make out with Rob on a bed.

Bite Me

Well, if I can’t get the role, then who else? I swear that I remember seeing that Lucy Hale was in the running for Bella at one point. She’s adorable . I love Pretty Little Liars & the scandelous teacher/student relationship. Plus I love those pants movies. But Lucy as Bella? Hmmm… Not so much.

I’ve heard people mention Kat Dennings. Probably because she’s sarcastic & not so super girly- sorta has the Bella personality. But she has really big boobs (NOT how Bella was described). Plus there was a photoshoot she did with Rob oh so long ago…


Stephenie’s first choice was Emily Browning. I don’t know much about her- but she definitely has that “girl next door” LOOK that Moon & I had imagined a little bit more for Bella. I can see why Stephenie picked her.

But WHO ELSE has that Bella persona? And what other American brunette’s have I forgotten to mention? Who could pull it off? Who would just CLICK as Bella?

The reality is, I’ve never thought that someone else should be Bella. I’ve just never THOUGHT about it. And now that I just did in today’s letter, I don’t think anybody else is right for it. Maybe it’s because Kristen’s played her in 3 movies & I can’t imagine anyone else as Bella. When I think of Bella now, I see Kristen in my mind. I don’t even see whoever it was I had pictured as Bella before I knew Kristen would be playing her. There literally is no one else that comes to mind. And despite not enjoying her acting as I never have, obviously because she gets to “do it” with Rob Pattinson obviously, I don’t think anyone else should play Bella, (well, besides myself of course!!)


Congrats Kristen, you ARE Bella to me (exactly what you want to hear!) What do YOU think? Have you ever pictured another actress as Bella? Think anyone else could pull it off better? Pick me! Pick me!

Oh- wanna watch something fun- aka a bad video to a bad song, but fun nonetheless?! Here’s a video showing all of Stephenie’s original cast picks. Some are SO interesting!

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212 Commented

Getting excited about Breaking Dawn Part 1

Dear Breaking Dawn Part 1,

I don’t know about you but the news err non-news-stalker-pics-wigger-kids coming out of Vancouver this week got me REALLY excited for Breaking Dawn. If only we didn’t have to wait until November to see the finished project. But oh well. We’ll take what we can get.

We got this letter a week or so ago from SJ discussing what she was looking forward to in BD Part 1 & it got me even MORE excited about the movie!

I’m Excited

  1. Rob’s career make or break scene: can he pull off being the most seductive vampire ever whilst wearing water shoes?
  2. Taylor’s voodoo power: forget kung-fu, is his voodoo strong enough to convince the world a teenage shapeshifter imprinting on a newborn baby is not creepy (may also be seen as career make or break time).
  3. The pale ‘strange one’ and the chick who hates dancing and parties unobtrusively getting down with the locals at carnival time then prancing up the beach between the pumpkin lanterns.
  4. Kristen enduring parading Summit Wardrobe Department‘s idea of Stephenie Meyer’s idea of Alice’s idea of stylin’. And will they reuse blue art smock for a maternity top?
  5. Jennifer Love Hewitt wetting her pants on the red carpet. But that’s just me being petty and mean (Taylor hatin’ beetch!)
  6. You should really use a condom

    Will there be a condom/Condon reference somewhere in wedding or Isle of Esme, or just ANYWHERE? I am praying for an outtake of Bill popping up in the ocean next to Rob & Kristen saying ‘I really do think I’m needed in this scene, move over Kristen’. And then me yelling ‘for the love of god move over Kristen!’

  7. Charlie’s ‘stache. Jasper’s hair. Carlisle’s accent. Esme achieving full camouflage with the backdrop in every scene she appears in.
  8. Merchandise – Isle of Esme jigsaw, maracas, water shoes? Team Edward/Jacob wedding garter. Isle of Esme sarongs. Pregnancy test kits.
  9. Edward attempting to pimp out Jacob to Bella so she can have a ‘normal’ pregnancy (although maybe not normal by LTT standards). Or is it Bella being pimped out to Jacob? I’m not really up to speed on the Pimp’s code of conduct but it does seem that it would be a win situation for all of them. Anyway, cannot wait to see how Rob delivers those lines. It may just be the first time I feel sorry for him.

All this and it’s only February! Are we halfway there yet?

xxx Sj.

Hey Rob.. in Isle Esme ... you should do that move I taught you on my bed back in 2008...

I know, SJ. I know! It’s SO far away, yet hopefully the time will FLY! Because I have to add the following things I am so excited about for BD Part 1:

  1. Watching a Catherine Hardwicke interview where she discusses how the Isle Esme sex scene(s) were “just as passionate as the moment Robsten was created my unmade bed in Venice Beach.”
  2. A NEW SOUNDTRACK to listen to (nothing funny here- you know we’re serious around here about music!
  3. Watching Bella tell her high school friends she’s getting married. And then making the brilliant awkward lines that Yorkie & Mike are sure to say after they hear the news our new mantras.
  4. Seeing if Taylor breaks into giggles anytime sex is mentioned, suggested or insinuated

Oh November… can’t you be HERE already!!


What (Serious or non-serious!) things are you excited for for Breaking Dawn Part 1!?

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187 Commented

We break down The Cullen Family trip to Pier One Imports

Dear Breaking Dawn, Stephenie Meyer and Edward & Bella Cullen,

A new picture was released? Well, you know what that means. We’re breaking this down Vanity Fair Style

That Explains THAT

UC: Well, I know we’ve gathered here today to discuss the latest underwhel-ment from Breaking Dawn, but we wouldn’t be UC & Moon if we let an opportunity to joke about THIS pass us by:

New Jasper Doll! How many are you gonna buy? Want it for your birthday? It’s ONLY $149.99
Moon: that will haunt me in my nightmares. THAT jasper would definitely try to kill bella and talk with a weird accent for 2 out of the 3 movies
UC: And Bella would gladly let him kill her. Because in Heaven God promises no one who looks as bad as him. I would NOT let THAT Jasper eye F*ck me in a plaza in Philadelphia on a hot summer night
Moon: no way. You can’t talk to that Jasper about red mullets. Come on! How do you screw up a barbie/ken doll version of JASPER? It’s modeled off jackson who has a pretty lady man face and a catfish mouth!!!
UC: i know. I blame China. A factory worker in China. He was tired of his wife’s obsession with the men of the saga
Moon: Who wouldn’t be tired? Men of China care about Rathbonig about as much as men of america
UC: exactly. well that explains that

We get down to business

UC: So another picture from BD was released huh? Can we say overall, now that we have 3 photos & enough to make an appropriate judgement that we are UNDERWHELMED?

Coming soon to a Pier Imports near you...

Moon: By the 3 pictures you mean… 1) feather hands, 2) pants off dance off and 3) pier one lanterns… or my affectionate names for them
UC: of course
Moon: this tells you about how exciting there are

Don't you wish we were on a bear skin rug, Bella?

I mean….. sure…. the one where we get to see Robsten in a position they generally prefer on a bear skin rug is NICE if you’re into that. But LANTERNS? for VTINES day!? COME ON!
Moon: right. nothing says happy valentines day like some sand, a boat and some ambiguously Moroccan lanterns. That pictures is a happy valentines to the dudes out there. There’s a SPEED BOAT!
UC: seriously!!!
Moon: it was for the unicorns and clearly they don’t even know unicorns- Unicorns want to see Alice in her Sobe bikini
UC: Yep. Or Bella’s camel toe in her see-through white bikini
Moon: if it was a happy Valentines Day for the robsten-ers, it’d be a close up of them in the front seat of the speed boat, getting down
UC: Happy V-tines day for Team Jacob would have been a picture of Taylor in love- and somehow proving that they can pull off the Jacob/Renesmee story without creeping us out or having Chris Hansen meet Stephenie outside her hotel room.
UC: Happy Valentine’s day to US would have been Edward.. shirtless in the water… in the moonlight…. Come on Bill Condon & Summit! Let us ask questions about what’s beneath the water for a second…. (“Is Edward wearing water shoes?” That’s what I’d be asking. What did you think I meant?)

Moon: what would have been a better picture for valentines day?
UC: Emmett & Rose dancing at the wedding- Maybe a scene I WISH they had shot & just cut out of the film so that it could be released at at time like this- where Jasper is telling the story of him & Alice and we SEE her approach him in Philadelphia.. sigh… that would be Valentine’s perfection
Moon: my favorite NOT expounding on story line!!!
UC: fail- david slade fail
Moon: stepenie meyer fail!! Forget midnight sun! BLASPHEMY! i wanna know about alice and jasper
UC: I KNOW! Write THAT story! or since we know reverse psychology works on her, Nevermind Stephenie- we HATE jasper & alice and don’t want to know ANYTHNG about them!
Moon: right. DON’T DO IT. We’ll read hunger games/Immortal instruments/Whoever instead
UC: Imma read BRAN HAMBRIC by Kaleb Nation instead!
Moon: right!!! who wants to read about alice and jasper or edward when you can read about a magician named bran!

Edward goes to Rite Aid

Moon: well lets talk about the obvious. what is that scene even from? Like yea isle esme… but… ?
UC: Their arrival??
Moon: When did edward put out lanterns? was it the scared house keeper? Is she a closeted robsten fan and wanted to make their “first time” special?
UC: Maybe Bella fell asleep in the boat ride & he quickly swam to set it up? And stock the place with condoms, which of course he forgot to use?
Moon: HUGE mistake- while Bella was freaking out in the bathroom he should have just swan at vampiric speed back to the mainland to hit up the 24hr Rite Aid
UC: for REAL. Forget lanterns Ed.. where were the condoms!?
Moon: and he could have picked up some Diet Coke, some sunscreen and KY “yours and mine” while he was there. DUH. THAT should have been the picture- Edward picking up late v-day purchases at the Braziliian Rite Aid drugstore
UC: right.. a blue plastic basket filled with necessities… priorities Edward, pssh… lanterns

all in all… Nice Try Breaking Dawn. But come on! Give us something that shows you’re even TRYING down there in Baton Rouge!!!

UC & Moon

What do you think of the new pic released as our Vtines gift!? Getting the Pier One vibe like we are? How many Jasper dolls are you planning to buy!?

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