Buttcrack Santa writes US a letter!

*Here’s a first! Buttcrack Santa himself (non canon character infamously in the Twilight movie) has written us a little letter and you might be surprised that he’s alive and well and terrorizing little children this Christmas… he wants to share a little bit with you. Enjoy!*

My idea of a good night

Dear LTT readers and my loyal Buttcrack Santa Fans,

It’s a widely circulated rumor that I died in Twilight the movie at the hands of those jerkoff nomadic vampaires who jacked up my boat when in reality they just took my shit and then left me in that super sketchy boat marina while they went to find those losers the Cullens who as it turns out were playing BASEBALL in some field. And here’s a little secret for you, those Cullen kids, they’re VAMPIRES like those other jerkoffs. Vampires playing baseball? What the ef is that about? So now that I escaped their evil clutches and I have a new lease on life I spend my free days doing whatever I please… somedays I go fishing, somedays I sneak up on Cora, the waitress, and watch her through her apartment window while she’s getting ready for work, other days I dream about the diner’s steak and cobbler and still other days I hang out with “the boys” in Port Angeles since apparently that’s where you go for cheap booze and loose women… or just lost high school girls, either or.
c

Merry frickin' Christmas!

So since no one really knows what the HALE I do for a living and it IS that time of year again, I’m back at my most favorite job in the world. Yes folks, it’s Christmas time so I’m reprising my most famous role as Forks’ own creep-o store Santa. Affectionately known to you all as: Buttcrack Santa, who some believe says inappropriate things to the kids and may or may not have given underage children little bottles of alcohol instead of those crusty ol candy canes. Tell me, who wants some broke ass candy cane when you can have a little bottle of Peppermint Schnapps? That’s a big DUH right there. Booze and cruise, yall! A shot of Schnapps for the kiddo’s will make that hellacious shopping trip so much better for the parents. So you see I’m doing them a favor. They should be thanking me instead of trying to get me fired. Ungrateful jerks. I may just have to report them to the REAL Santa as “naughty.” See if they like those lump of coals in their stocking instead of a fishing pole or perhaps a… LITTLE BOTTLE?!

Take the cut to read the rest and see Buttcrack Santa’s Christmas Card to you!
Continue…

Add Comments


The mistakes of Twilight

Dear LTTers,

Thank you so much for your congratulations & sweet words regarding our 10 month anniversary yesterday. We have a confession that we’d like to share in the form of “texts from last night” between Moon & UC:

Text from Moon: “Just wrapped up my ’10 month anniversary/10 things I love about Twi’ post- getting in bed- wouldn’t it be funny if we calculated wrong and our 10 month anniversary is next week?
Text from UC
: “We’d look like the biggest idiots”
Text from Moon:
“Umm…. I just calculated. Can you double check my math”
Text from UC: “Yep. Just double checked.
Happy 9 month anniversary”

Oops. I know we seem perfect, but we’re not. For example, we miss things. Once there was a picture of Big Daddy with a dabble of ketchup down the front of his shirt. We missed an opportunity to photo-shop him in a Heintz ketchup ad. And one time Moon said “I bet it’s hard to be Jacob Black” and I forgot to say “that’s what she said.” It’s hard to be perfect all the time. We try. But we sometimes fail. Even we make mistakes.

So in honor of our 9 month anniversary (yesterday) and to continue our new fond love of making lists, here are 9 mistakes from the Twilight world:

1. The Bandslam & PUSH previews on the Twilight DVD

(that you cannot fast forward through- bastards) Summit thought they were being sneaky, making us watch those previews before we got to see Robward’s beautiful face. Little did they know that I just made copies of the DVD, got rid of the previews and sold them illegally on the black market. In your Face Summit. Just kidding. What I really did was press Play; Go make some popcorn; Pour myself some bubbly; Walk back into the room; Groan that Vanessa Hudgens was STILL on the screen; Go pee; Put on my PJs; Come back. Movie time. In your face, Summit.

Dear Stephenie, This outfit is not hot Love, us

Dear Stephenie, This outfit is not hot Love, us

2. Edward’s taste of music, clothing & bedding in the books

WestFriend: Why did Stephenie make Edward so lame when it comes to music taste. Umm…hi. He hates the 60’s and 70’s? The BEST time for music ever? And he LOVES the 50’s and some of the 80’s? It has bothered me so bad.
Moon
: SMeyer is an enigma. Cause the 60s ruled the music scene. But the real questions are: Why does she make Edward wear sleeveless button ups and have black and gold brocade bedding?? These things I’ve never understood.

3. Including Perry Farrell and Collective Soul on the Soundtrack

Dear Summit,

It’s clear from your marketing that you are unaware that anyone other than 12 to really immature 15 1/2 year olds like the Twilight saga, so why in the world would you force Alexandra Patsavas (who made Death Cab for Cutie & Imogen Heap household names, so I know it wasn’t her doing) to include an old washed up rocker looking for a comeback & a band that no one has thought of since 1995 on the soundtrack?

4. The EW magazine cover that ended the careers of a photographer & editor

brilliantEWcover

I just need one.more.hit. Buy my apple?

And if the photographer & editors weren’t fired, they should’ve been- or maybe even hung. Who told them Twilight was about methed-up teen addicts who sell their last piece of food- an apple- to buy enough meth so they could ceremoniously commit a joint suicide/OD and spend eternity together listening to Collective Soul? EW Fail

Follow the jump for the rest of the mistakes! Continue…

Add Comments


Our top ten favorite moments in Twilight, the movie

Dear LTT/LTR-ers and Twihards, lovers and haters of this site,

Today is another big day in the life of us here at LTT. Yes, you might have guessed it but today marks our TEN MONTH anniversary. Now not to get all high school relationship on you but we think blogging solid for ten months is a big deal. Countless hours, love, conversations, text messages, good ideas, really bad ideas (trust me, there are tons), blood sweat and tears have gone into these ten months so UC and I want to celebrate this week. In honor of our ten month anniversary we are going to be bringing you a new top ten list every day this week to celebrate and look towards the next ten!

So to kick off our top tens I’m gonna start us off with Top Ten Favorite Twilight Movie Moments! All the little things, the good and the sometimes cheesy things that we loved and couldn’t imagine living without. All the moments that we wanted to see make it in, the ones we didn’t know and the ones that made us fall in love with the story all over again… here they are

10. The Cullen’s enter the Cafeteria

The set up for the whole movie: who are those kids and why are they different and most importantly WHO IS THAT BOY? Why yes, it’s only the hottest boy to ever grace the United States public school system, that’s who. And he just happens to be a Vampire. Ok wait, she’ll learn that later… let’s not get ahead of ourselves now!

09. Animal Attack

Oh Carlisle you kill us with the delivery of that line coupled with the totally obvious stare down you give Edward. Yup, it was totally an animal that killed Buttcrack Santa and not some crazy psycho nomadic vampire that’s going to develop some weirdo fascination with Bella and stop at nothing to kill her. Yup, totes an animal.

Wanna find out what else made our top ten list of favorite Twilight Movie Moments? Follow the cut…
Continue…

Add Comments


Some suggestions for New Moon

Dear Chris Weitz,

I know you’re knee-deep in New Moon editing & have probably come across some scenes that are just “lacking” something- they need a little pizazz (and I’m talking about something more than a dance off between Newton & Yorkie in the cafeteria- although that would rule- thank me in the credits)

As a professional vampire blogger, I’ve spent way too much time watching Twilight, studying the art of Catherine Hardwicke’s directing (ahem) & making fun of things that suck, so I have some suggestions on how to ensure your movie provides us countless things to “break down” in the months following its release.  You may have to hire some new people and bring a few principle actors back in to shoot a few new scenes, but trust- it’ll be worth it.

Recreating “Spider-Monkey”

jailbait
Psst Kristen, watch out! Chris Hansen is coming for you

I know you’re not as quirky as the cougar & may want to keep the line writing in the hands of the screen-writer, but I think you can trust your young actors with no writing experience to pick their own lines. Catherine let Rob choose the wonderful line “hold on tight, spider monkey,” and look how well that went over with fans. So I think you should let Taylor choose a line this time around. You can just bring him in the studio for some audio overdubs & have Jacob say one of the following to Bella right before the almost kiss (Oh by the way, if that’s not an almost kiss, you might wanna hold on to the family jewels. Cuz someone will cut them off if you let that kiss happen)

“Hold on tight you little puppy”
“I’m gonna lick you now”
“FETCH… my lips”
“Arizona, how you likin’ my lips girl?”
“I just wanna try one thing…. Sit. Good Bella”

The Mike Newton Shine

danceoff

Newton & Yorkie dance off Take 1

I hope the reason you decided to switch from Catherine’s gray & blue Forks world to a vibrant warm brown-toned one was because the blue grays couldn’t contain the joy Mike Newton brings to the screen.  For New Moon, I highly suggest even more Newton & Yorkie screen time. Bring them back into the studio. Maybe you can incorporate a scene of banter between just them- perhaps a discussion on who has the better rack- Rosalie Hale or Jessica Stanley. And Chris, don’t disappoint- If we don’t hear Mike say “You’re alivveeee” with his famous Newton fist shake every time he sees Bella walk into Newton Outfitters looking like depressed death, I’m gonna demand my money back. Mike is kinda a dumb jock (minus the jock part) and obviously doesn’t know how to be sensitive about the depression Bella is in, so he needs to be unintentionally insensitive. Why not throw in a “Arizona- How you likin’ your tears, girl?”


The new Buttcrack in Town

RIP Buttcrack Santa vs.   Tequila Tom

You really need to give your audience a reason to connect with a character. Catherine did this perfectly with the introduction of Buttcrack Santa.  Sadly, that connection was cut short with his unfortunate death while singing a song about mama making a kitty ‘meow.’  Who’s gonna be the one who connects with us this time around? I’ll tell you who- Tequila Tomás- the Mexican immigrant who serves as an uber stereotypical character (cuz Mike Newton, the handsome white boy who holds a basketball and hits on the new girl, isn’t stereotypical enough)

Catherine kicked us off with a stereotype- Her ‘creepy guy who volunteers as Santa during the holidays in hopes that the teenage girls sit on his lap in short skits’ was okay, but Tequila Tomás, the only Mexican in a town of 3,120 who serves as the local landscaper, bus boy at the diner AND plays in a Mariachi band every other Friday night down at the VFW, is the way to go.  I have a really good feeling about his ability to connect with the audience.

I’m not exactly sure what the storyline should be. Maybe Bella goes to the diner alone & he comes over to clear her plate and looks in her eyes and says “Bella,” and she takes it as a sign that he’s the one who will listen to her sorrows. When in fact he was just being a creepy older guy and telling her she was “bella”- beautiful in Spanish.  But they bond & he offers to trim her bushes for free (again Bella misinterprets) & a friendship begins.  Of course you’ll need to kill him off- this will really ensure we connect with poor Tequila Tomás. Maybe he can die an ironic death after binge drinking tequila when he realizes Bella isn’t falling for him- or perhaps you don’t kill him off & just help us sympathize with him. Maybe he loses a leg in a lawn mower accident.  I’m not sure what’s a better storyline- let Taylor, with his new-found screenwriting abilities, make that decision.

Just a couple tips from an experienced vampire blogger to help you finalize New Moon. You’re welcome. All I ask in return is that you slip Moon & I a few tickets to the premiere in November & slip me a certain someone’s hotel room….. (I’ve always liked Mariachi bands…..)

Love,
UnintededChoice

Make up funny jokes about Tequila Tomas on The Forum
Call Moon a Rob-ulance over on LTR

Screenshots via LionandLambLove
Buttcrack Santa & Tequila Tomas from my personal collection (aka google image)

98 Commented


Praying and Fasting: For a better New Moon

new-moon-poster-kristen-stewartDear intelligent LTT readers who know better than to love a Young Adult novel & its poorly made movie adaptation but love it anyway,

Comic Con is over. We saw the new clip. We’ve seen the new pictures. The official website is up, and so New Moon time is ON.  It’s time we start our “Fasting & Praying for a better New Moon” which is a phrase we borrowed from our friend Lula who is doing a similar concept with her Twi-pals.

You’ve heard us say it countless times- We love Stephenie Meyer & the world she created. We love Robert Pattinson’s portrayal of Edward & (some of us) love Kristen as Bella, but a LOT about Twilight the movie just plain BLEW.  Buttcrack Santa? Thank you Melissa Rosenberg for writing him in because he’s my favorite character to make fun of, but really? Oh gosh, you’ve all read our blog- I don’t need to keep going- you know what we hated about the movie.

I saw Twilight 5 times in the theaters and have watched the DVD 3 times now (once with the commentary- I know! That’s nothing) and each time I watch it the more embarrassed I am that I spent over $50 at the movie theaters (plus all the money I spent on popcorn- b/c I can’t see a movie without out- seriously. Even if I just had popcorn for dinner, I’d still get popcorn in the theater)

We recently got this email from an LTT reader

Dear Melissa Rosenberg,

Twilight was a joke movie. I love Twilight and have seen it 800,000 times because (of Rob) of my love for the books, but to be honest, it’s a really terrible, second-hand embarrassing movie. The first time I watched it, I had not read the books yet, and I walked out. Of course, after I read the books I went back and watched it 3 more times in theaters. I had been contemplating whether New Moon would be just as…lame for lack of better words, or would it actually live up to it’s explosive hype? Of course, it doesn’t matter, it will still make bazillions in the box office, Twihards around the world, including myself, will watch it multiple times in theaters. But with the AMAZING trailer and all the set videos and visit reports, will the movie end up being an actual good movie that humans beyond the Twiworld would be able to enjoy? I have been pondering this question for awhile, and I had high hopes, because of new direction, a bigger budget, and Rob. But then I remembered. Yes, the director has been replaced (love the coug, but my, my was the directing terrible), and the stunts and make up will actually look professional this time around, but I’m sorry, the worst part about the movie was…THE SCRIPT. It was all your fault. Well not all, but you play a big role in why Twilight was unintentionally hilarious. The dialogue was SO incredibly cheesedick. Come on, “How you likin’ da rain grrrrrrrrl?” It’s not ‘hip’ to talk like that anymore. Nor was it ever. “Any cold…wet…thing…” Really? REALLY? You couldn’t come up with something better to respond to how ‘shez likin da rain?’ And why does Edward HAVE to show Bella he’s sparkly after she says it…OUTLOUD (that made Edward sound like a douche btw). Oh dear, MelMel, you really butchered it. See, because of you, not only do Twihards get made fun of for liking the books, but they are REALLY looked down upon for liking the movie. You should be ashamed of yourself. I really, really hope you watched Twilight yourself, realized how much you assraped the script, and wrote a less parody-like screenplay for New Moon. Stop smokin’ da herb grrrrrrl. Thanks.

Love,
me.

MelMel: At fault? Or another victim of Cathy Hardy's wacky ways?

MelMel: At fault? Or another victim of Cathy Hardy's wacky ways?

So I have to ask. Was it the script? I think that was a huge contributing factor.  So our first prayer & first object of fasting is for “MelMel,” as the email writer called her, to step it up a notch & lay off the ‘suck’ with the New Moon script.

I think she can do it. I mean, she’s got a pretty impressive resume up on imdb. She wrote for Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman for gosh sakes! I wanted to do Sully before I even knew what ‘doing’ meant. But seriously, she’s written for The OC, which like it or love it, is a brilliantly written show, and she is currently a writer for Dexter. I’ve only seen a few episodes and they’re creepily awesome, but it’s one of Moon’s favorite shows and she agrees that the writing is very creative & well-done.

So she’s obviously experienced, although those 3 shows I mentioned (yes, I wasn’t kidding about Dr. Quinn) are all TV shows, and I understand the process is different for TV versus film. Moon argues that she thinks ‘the cougar” (aka Hardy- Catherine Hardwicke) may have had a lot to do with botching the script & added some of those cheeseball lines we all cringe to hear. Admit it- the first month or two you made excuses for those lame lines like “LA Push it’s… La Push” and “Purple’s cool” saying they were “cute” and ‘just a few high school kids playing around.” But by now, we’re over making excuses- we admit it- those lines sucked big time. Did “MelMel” write them in? Or was it Hardy’s fault?

I don’t know and I doubt we ever will.  All I know is that it’s Monday night at 9:51 pm and I just had myself a cupcake (of course), a glass of wine (fine 4 glasses), half a bag of pirate’s booty, some pasta, shrimp fried rice & an apple because my fast starts tomorrow and I’m not going to eat much from now until November.  And I’m holding my eyes opened in preparation for them being closed in a three and 1/2 month prayer that MelMel figured out a way to best write the script so that Chris Weitz can represent those empty pages with just the names of the months listed when Bella is barely surviving visually and beautifully so that not a single sound is heard in any theater across the globe on November 20 other than the sound of heart-broken, sobbing Unicorns & women.

Only 114 more days until I can eat again,
UnintendedChoice

What do you think? Did Melissa Rosenberg have a lot to do with Twilight’s issues? Are you worried about her involvement with New Moon?

Fun Fact: I drafted this post days ago, and when I went into it last night to do a final edit & schedule for today, I noticed I called the screenwriter: Melissa ROBsenberg

Moon loves Rob. And wrote him something special on LTR
The Forum loves you. Go love it back

Add Comments


Previous Entries Next Entries

Creative Commons License


This work is licensed under a Creative Commons
Attribution-No Derivative Works 3.0
United States License
.

LTT Privacy Policy



Sponsored by