Twilosophy: Are Edward & Bella Broken?

Dear LTT,

It shouldn’t come as a surprise to any long-time LTT reader that Moon & I were never pro-Robsten. There are many reason for this including:

1. I think it’s kinda weird to “ship” celebrity couples (except for the one true love of McGosling RIP 2005-2007)

2. Reality isn’t that much fun to speculate about it. We enjoyed the “OF COURSE THEY ARE EFF BUDDIES” phase of 2008-2009 and then the “NAH ITS S PUBLICITY STUNT” of 2010. We’d throw in an occasional “No she’s a REAL Fake Lesbian” and “HE’S BANGING NIKKI REED” throughout 2008-2010 for good measure. And who couldn’t forget the “WOW THEY ARE THE MOST BORING COUPLE OF ALL TIME” that has existing since 2011. Speculation is much more interesting. Or straight up making crap up is the best (remember when Moon invited you into the ROBSTEN home?)

The reality is…. ROBSTEN is/was real and real people did REAL things and have REAL feelings about those things and none of that is really any of our business. What IS our business is pondering if Kristen has spent her days indoors turning all of Rob’s shirts into knotted t-shirts she refuses to give back or if Rob has gained 27 pounds after 2 weeks of binge drinking and eating through California’s supply of microwavable fried sandwich pockets.

Who made that our business? God, I think. I think that was on the 8th day of creation. Right after he created wine.

So back to not being pro-Robsten. My feelings about the BIG SCANDAL have been all over the map.

-SHOCK (this really happened?)
-LAUGHTER (cause you saw the fandom implode, right?)
-SADNESS (I mean, really, fandom? Did we just implode?)
-WONDER (“what does it MEAN” said in my best double rainbow voice)
-FIST PUMPING THAT WE’RE COOL FOR ONCE (Even WILL FERRELL cares! (and, of course I mean “cool” in major quotes))
-TIRED (can we move on yet?)
-IMPATIENCE (cuz Moon left for Africa TWO DAYS after this came out and there’s SO MUCH to talk about. I mean. I don’t want to discuss it at all. I’m cool, I’m cool…)
-LAUGHTER (did I mention that already?)
-SECOND HAND EMBARRASSMENT (cuz.. I mean)

But what I didn’t expect was what happened on Friday when, from my beach chair gazing at the ocean, I was browsing my Facebook feed and I saw this:

And I felt sad.
Or mad
Or just… different

Remember what I said about: I was never pro-Robsten. Seeing happy Bella & Edward did nothing for me on the Robsten front. But it did a lot for me on the Bella & Edward front. Yay! My fav fictional couple next to Mary & Matthew and Damon & Elena and Rose & Jack (okay they’re like 7th on the list) is happy & in love! She’s a vamp now so they an do it for real, a lot! They made a cute baby- life is good! Yay yay yay!

So why did I feel sad/mad/different when seeing their latest couples photo from their local Sears’ photography department?

Are Bella & Edward broken because (gulp) ROBSTEN is now broken?

Have all these years of speculation and distraction from the REAL heart & soul of LTT (Bella & Edward and, duh, Twilight (Hey- remember THE BOOKS!?) finally taken their toll? Can I no longer see Bella & Edward for who they are in real (fictional) life and have I reduced them to…gulp ROBSTEN?

Am I alone in this? Does anyone else feel weird? Did you see Edward & Bella before and now just see a human-turned vampire who left her perfect man for a married guy? And if Bella were to leave Edward for a married guy… who would it be? Someone from the Res? Mr. Molina? Mike Newton’s dad? Couldn’t resist the coupons he kept throwing at her for 20% off at Newton’s outfitters?

WHAT DOES IT MEAN

What does it MEAN?

Love,
UnintendedChoice

No seriously.. am I weird? Alone in this one?

New Bella/Eddie pic from Twilight Examiner

93 Commented


Happy Birthday Edward Cullen

Dear Edward,

Happy 111th Birthday. Damn you’re old.

We know the best birthday gift you could ask for is for UC & Moon to be reunited & sitting in bath towels, so we thought we’d deliver. We made you a video:

And there’s a big ol’ bag of Werther’s coming in the mail for you.

ALSO have you SEEN THIS new Teaser of the teaser of the teaser of the Breaking Dawn Part 2 trailer??? (We haven’t because it’s launching while we’re still in bed)

Well, watch now:

Love,
UC & Moon, reunited again

15 Commented


Twilight in Twitter

Dear Twilight,

Back in 2009 we had The Meyerbook- someone’s “Facebook” take on Twilight. And we laughed. But now, thanks to dear LTT readers like OperaRose, LadyMeadow, NatteringYeahRobber, TeamSeth, MarbleNutSlut, KayVeeBee and JustGoWithIt, we have Twilight in Twitter. Enjoy:

the Cast

Bella @cloudsorry, Jessica @futurevaledictorian, Mike @rainboner, Edward @edward1901, Jasper @emotionalvamp, Alice @BellasBestie

Bella: @futurevaledictorian People keep telling me to follow @ecullen1901

Jessica: @cloudsorrow Oh, that’s Edward Cullen. You can follow & tweet him but
he’ll never respond #gorgeous #toogoodforanyone #likeIcare

Bella: @futurevaledictorian Wasn’t planning on it. #lies

Mike: @cloudsorrow @futurevaledictatorian YO! Snow Flower and the Secret
Fan is playing! U 2 IN? It is OK if you can’t make it,
J-girl.

Jessica: @rainboner @cloudsorrow Nice try, M. #firstgrade #newtoy #groan

***************************

Edward: @cloudsorrow HELLO?

Bella: @edward1901 Thanks for causing a scene today in class. You sort of creep me out. Sorry.

Edward: @cloudsorrow I’m Edward.

Bella: @edward1901 Duh. That’s your response? #arrogant #youreyeschangecolortoo

Edward: @cloudsorrow We were both right about prophase. #likeIsaid

Bella: @edward1901 Something odd about you. Again, WTF with your eyes?

Edward: @cloudsorrow *saunters off* #talklater #mystery #youknowyouloveit

************************************

also find her @boobsmcgee

Jessica: @cloudsorrow @secondbestfriend HOORS! SHOPPING!??? Half off at PROMetheus in Port Angeles!

Bella: @futurevaledictorian OK. I guess. Whatever. Dad says I need more girl time. #fine #onlyvampirebookstoreinWAtheretoo

Mike: @cloudsorrow @futurevaledictorian @secondbestfriend Can I come too? #willholdyourpurseswhileyoutrystuffon

Jessica: Direct Message – @rainboner you know B has a thing for @edward1901 right?

*********************************

Jessica: @cloudsorrow so. How was his bed? *winks*

Bella: @futurevaledictorian no bed. Pretentious CD collection. Only recognized Debussy. Photos of me everywhere.

Jessica: @cloudsorrow which Debussy? Please tell me he didn’t play Claire de Lune. #tooeasy

Jessica: @cloudsorrow also, I cannot believe his @klout score is higher than mine.

Bella: @futurevaledictorian You don’t think it is weird he has photos of me everywhere? Normal?

Jessica: @cloudsorrow Please tell me it wasn’t a Best Of Debussy compilation. Please.

Debussybot: @cloudsorrow @futurevaledictorian RT: Please tell me he didn’t play Claire de Lune.

******************

Bella: @edward1901 were you in my room taking photos last night by any chance?

Edward: @cloudsorrow hey, did you take my Best of Debussy CD?

Bella: @edward1901 Do you ever not answer any questions with questions? My dad says people who do that are usually lying.

Edward: @cloudsorrow gotta go. Wear something tonight. #nudesleepingisnothygenic #leftyouateeshirtandundiesinyourbottomdrawer

*********

Bella: @edward1901: when I glare at you tomorrow at school, follow me into the woods. #IKnow

Edward: @emotionalvamp Here’s my move: she says she knows. I’ll trip her backwards and knock her head again.

Jasper: @edward1901 @BellasBestie says you are just going to make out with her no matter what happens

Edward: @BellasBestie Please change your handle. Your visions are subjective.

Alice: @edward1901 You can’t make me. Let me seeee….nope. You can’t. Go kiss your girlfriend.

********************

Edward: @BellasBestie @emotionalvamp OKAY that game went as poorly as possible. Fuck.

*******************

Jessica: @cloudsorrow: Where have you been? Why do you have a giant cast?
Bella: @futurevaledictorian I don’t want to talk about it. BTW your boobs look great.

THE END

Um that was hilarious. Thanks girls. XOXO UC

PS: When GOOGLING to find that “Meyerbook” thing above, I discovered things tagged “Twilight” on the Failbook site. Annoying to read, but funny when you get through all the crap: Twilight Failbook

34 Commented


We made the character pictures even better

Dear Breaking Dawn,

Here we fixed them for you:

20120525-102508.jpg

I will haunt you FOREVER

20120525-102502.jpg

I will be the more famous dad FOREVER

20120525-102453.jpg

I’ll be talking about how I made ROBSTEN, FOREVER!

You’re welcome!

Love,
UnintendedChoice

(ps I’m posting this from my phone because I forgot my LTT password & got locked out of the computer version. Best blogger award right here, please)

16 Commented


What’s in a Name!?

Dear Twilight,

My friend Marah & I were chatting about a conversation SHE had with her pal about the name Edward. And how odd it would be if Edward was called something different. Perhaps…. Ed:

“Bella Swan’s move to Forks, a small, perpetually rainy town in Washington, could have been the most boring move she ever made. But once she meets the mysterious and alluring Ed, Bella’s life takes a thrilling and terrifying turn. Up until now, Ed has managed to keep his vampire identity a secret in the small community he lives in, but now nobody is safe, especially Bella, the person Ed holds most dear.”

And I thought that was BRILLIANT. What if Edward was “Ed” the town misfit. Ed works for his dad, Carl. They run Fork’s only gas station & quick lube. Ed is really into cars, and he drives a silver Volvo- it’s an ’84.

Ed's cool wheels

Ed has 2 trashy sisters: Roseanne & Alex (“Al” for short). They both do some part time modeling at the Port Angeles Mall at the Deb shop around Prom season:

Nikki Reed for the Deb

One of my fav manips of all time

Ed has two half brothers Jack and Ernie. They hook up with Al & Roseanne from time to time. It would be weird, but that sort of stuff is pretty day-to-day when you own the only gas station in Forks.

Can you imagine how different Twilight would have been had Edward been given a different name? The whole TONE changes:

“About 3 things I was absolutely positive.

First, Ed was a vampire.

Second, there was a part of Ed– and I didn’t know how dominant that part might be— that thirsted for my blood.

And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with Ed.”

With a name like “Ed” I feel like I have to add a Fourth: ”Oh, and Ed’s taking me out tonight & I think we might “Do it” in the back of his ’84 Volvo!”

The name Edward captures so much beauty & sense of history, doesn’t it? It’s old fashioned. When you hear the name you think of a sexy, refined man full of class. He drinks wine & knows how to dance. He’s romantic & sensitive, yet manly & confident. Edward is just, well, Edward! Naming him something different would have been.. well, weird. Ed doesn’t make me think of beauty. I think of a dude with a pot belly & a grease stain on his white beater. It’s not sexy. Nor classy. Ed does has never had Merlot. Ed drinks beer from a can- the kind of beer that has a different label depending on whatever hunting season we’re in. Ed dances all right, but only after 6 beers & a dozen wings down at Doc’s bar on Friday nights. And it’s not pretty. Ed is not our Edward.

I like Edward. Thanks for naming him Edward!

Love,
UnintendedChoice

What do you think? What other name could work for OUR Edward? What else doesn’t work AT ALL?

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

40 Commented

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