Breaking Dawn is trying to sell us something else

Dear Breaking Dawn Promo stuff,

Sometimes I get the feeling you are trying to sell me more than just the movie. Like when I look at the promo pictures it feels like there’s really an underlying message or brand I’m being sold. It’s as if the Summit Marketing team got together to come up with some ideas for “brand partnerships” to create “film and corporate synergy.” Yea, I’m pretty sure the word “synergy” was used a lot… So when I saw this latest batch of promo headshots from Breaking Dawn I knew I had to be onto something…
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Poor dude who plays Caius, with every movie he loks progressively more and more like Fabio. They might as well just give him a tub of butter to hold while he’s sitting behind Aro in the Voltera, Italy scenes and help make some extra money with product placement.

Charley Bewley is like one faux hawk and guy liner fueled make up and hair session away from his own Ed Hardy ad campaign. Poor guy, it’s not like he wants a rhinestrone tiger havng sex with a Koi fish on his chest, give the guy a break folks.
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Carlisle’s not just the president, he’s also a member!

Dude, Carlisle is already winning the race for worst wig in Breaking Dawn and we haven’t even seen the film yet. YIKES.
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Sure, most of Kellan’s life has been spent looking like an outtake from International Male Catalogue but we don’t need the official promo shots reminding everyone! Though I’m pretty sure Emmett did some Internantional Male Modeling in the 80s, I don’t want to see his mesh shirt collection any times soon.

(For a good time google image search “International Male Catalogue”)
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Why does Edward ALWAYS end up looking like an Insurance salesmen/Real Estate broker/Weatherman/Boringest Person In the World??? How is it possible to make Robert Pattinson look like the dad across the street? Stop trying so hard Wardrobe Dept! We know he’s 107 years old, we’re supposed to be tricking the dumb Forks, WA townspeople not making a neon sign pointing to this guy saying “This guy could be your great grandpa not your son’s classmate!”
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Sorry Alice… Sorry Twimoms but COME ON! Though I feel this latest incarnation of Alice’s hair is probably closeted to how Stephenie describes it, it still looks like she should be loading up orange slices and Capri Suns into the mini van.
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While Emmett was busy modeling for International Male in the 80s, Jasper deciding to make some extra dough moonlighting at the local Chippendale’s club. Doing that face the entire time. Just that face, some cuffs and a g string. All night long. Try not to laugh. When Chippendale’s went belly up because of a Bachlorette party done awry Jasper made the move to modeling heinous man jewelry for Hot Topic. They already have replica Bella saint bracelets, the wedding ring and Alice’s velvet choker (!!!) why not take the next step and offer the small male contingency who loves Twilight some Jasper jewelry? I know what I’m getting The Font and White Yorkie for Christmas! Terrible  jewelry!!!

Am I the only one who feels this way about some of these promo’s? Maybe I should be hired by Summit to oversee Brand Synergy! Clearly, I have a knack for what’s happening.

Off to Chipendales!
Themoonisdown

Why do they always look so crazy? Do you guys feel the same way?

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25 Commented


A letter to the Cullens, Corner shop owners:

From time to time I forget about the Cullens. In a world of Rob and Robsten and Taysten and Big Daddy, it’s easy to forget we actually liked the Cullens first. But this letter reminded me today of those vampires we all fell for so very long ago:

Dear Cullen family,

Every once in a while I drive by your corner market and deli. I know it’s yours because

  1. you named it after yourself.
  2. I think you probably have a little entrepreneurial spirit in you.
  3. It makes perfect sense that you’d move from Forks to Portland Oregon – stay where the weather suits you… and
  4. You like to keep a low profile and what’s lower than a corner grocery in a somewhat seedy part of town?

What I’ve been wondering is who’s minding the store? (No, I’ve never stopped in to see. I’m not sure about the neighborhood and, more importantly, how would I explain my reaction to my daughters and husband if Edward happened to be behind the counter? I’m just pretending that my husband doesn’t think I’m crazy already.)

I went through each person in your family, debating on who I’m most likely to run into:

Run the family business? No way! I'm too busy being a Doctor & having very unfortunate hair

Carlisle – Well obviously, no.  I mean you’re busy as a Dr. I’d be more likely to run into you at my job at the hospital (oh please, please come sauntering through my door in your white lab coat a la Twilight!)

Esme – There’s no way. As you can see, the building has no architectural integrity to it whatsoever. If you ever got close to it I’m sure it would be much more aesthetically pleasing. I mean, there are bars on the windows and the paint on the sign is chipping away!

Jasper – While you would be helpful in soothing the minds of all the potential armed robbers that come waltzing through the doors I think that trying to control all of those out of control emotions would eventually overwhelm you. Then we’d have a highly trained soldier with a nervous breakdown who also happens to like to snack on human blood on our hands. Low profile gone. Why don’t you stay away from that store Jasper, just a friendly suggestion.

You should have SEEN the customer's outfits today, Bella. There was flannel & pull-overs and... oh... you would've fit right in...

Alice – Well, you could definitely have everyone’s purchases bagged and ready for them when they walked through the door but I think that having to face all of those poorly dressed customers would drive you crazy. So there, you and Jasper both gone crazy – I think we’ve established that neither one of you should get anywhere near that place.

Edward – Oh how I wish you were tending the store, Edward. But then again, maybe not. I might be embarrassed to have you see what I’m purchasing and, since you can read minds, there’s no way I could sneak that emergency pack of tampons in with the random gum, milk and motor oil I’m piling on the counter to distract you. Plus, I just don’t think you could hold it together with all of the customers coming in and out with their mundane and pedestrian thoughts assaulting you all day. You’d definitely lose your cool and toss one out the front door.

Bella – Well, to put it simply, if Edward wasn’t there you’re certainly not going to be there! Not that I can blame you.  Plus, you’ve already worked retail at Newton’s Outfitters so I think you’ve put in your customer service time. Whew, you dodged a bullet!

Rosalie – Are you kidding? There’s no way in hell you’d be caught dead working retail at Barneys, much less some disgusting little corner store that serves the sweaty and uncouth masses. I don’t even know why you’re on this list of considerations!

I give them one look at these abs and the customers buy extra cans of Spam!

Emmet – Yep, it’s totally you, isn’t it? You’re gregarious and big. Perfect for laughing and joking so that the gawkers become repeat customers and the potential robbers are scared away since they know you’d totally kick their ass. You’ve probably made friends with half the locals by this time, haven’t you? In fact, you’re probably having so much fun that someone needs to keep you in line. Oh! So Rosalie is there! Sorry Rose. That’s what happens when you fall for a big goof. Just stay in the back and don’t rip out anyone’s throat ok? You’ll have to move on in a few more years and hopefully it’ll just fade into a bad memory.

Well, I’ve figured it out…Now I just have to figure out how to hold it together when I make an impromptu visit and not blow your cover.

Thinking about what kind of sandwich I might order from the deli,

Sarah

Of COURSE I googled this place and of COURSE they have a Yelp page & turns out Sarah was wrong about all of the above. According to one reviewer, the guy running the place is “an over-reacting Asian.” I’m guessing college didn’t work out for Eric Yorkie & The Cullen’s hired him to run their family biz. BIG Thumbs up to the first person who writes a Cullen’s Corner Yelp Review and mentions THE Cullens!

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30 Commented


My Book Edward is hotter than the Movie Edward

Please refer to LTR for all the excuses why Moon & I didn’t write this LTT today!

Dear LTT-ers,

UC and I were emailing the other day (for those of you who don’t remember, we met at college in real life, lost track of each other when she transferred, and reconnected on LTT—and believe it or not, most of our emailing is NOT about Twilight), and she suggested I give you all my take on something Twilight- related that is a little outside-of-the-norm here on LTT:

When I read the Twilight books, I never picture Rob as Edward. In fact, book-Edward—my book-Edward, anyway—is WAY hotter than Rob.

You don't think I look like EDWARD!??

I know, how can that be, right?

Don’t hate me, but I have to admit, I don’t find Rob all that attractive. In fact, I think I am one of the few women who is Team Edward all the way, but thinks that Taylor Lautner is drool-worthy—even if he is way too young for me and I’m very happily married—and Rob Pattinson is just so-so.

I was actually surprised to find that I thought Rob was more attractive after I saw an interview of him— when he wasn’t trying to project his version of who Edward is. I thought his British accent dreamy, his self-deprecating sense of humor endearing, and thought that he would have been one of those guys I wanted to be best friends with in high school…and might have even crushed on once or twice. But he’s just not Edward Cullen.

By way of an explanation that will make sense to all of you who are already thinking I’m crazy, please realize that I read A LOT. Before my daughter was born, I easily made it through three of four books a week at times. Now I make it through only one or two, but that’s still way above the norm. And when I read, I’m usually creating a whole movie in my head.

So since I’ve envisioned this whole alternate reality in vivid detail, when books are made into movies, I go in with low expectations. The directors, actors, casting people, etc. never do things entirely the way I would have, and someone or something is almost always off for me in a way that makes me prefer my own version so much more. (No one has ever cast Mr. Wickham, Mr. Darcy, or Elizabeth Bennet to my satisfaction and don’t get me started on the ways in which the Harry Potter movies mutilated the Harry-
Voldemort face-offs in Goblet of Fire and Deathly Hallows Part 2). There are the times when something is just perfect—Blake Lively as Bridget Vreeland/America Ferrara as Carmen Lowell (Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants), Judi Dench as Lady Catherine, Rosamund Pike as Jane Bennet, Winona Ryder as Jo March with Christian Bale (swoon!) as Teddy Lawrence—but those are the exceptions for me.

He had (some of) us at Ray-Bans

When I read Twilight and it captured my obsessive tendencies in a way few series do, I knew that I would find the movies a disaster. There was just no way that I was going to find any mere human actor to measure up to the perfect vampire of Stephenie Meyer’s creation that I had brought to life in my head.

When I saw Rob (both in pictures before-hand and then in the first movie), some of my disappointment had to do with looks, but most of it was something else. Book-Edward is just a bit lighter than Rob’s depiction of Edward—yes, he’s conflicted, depressed, constantly repressing his appetites (carnal and otherwise), but he’s not so constantly brooding. He makes jokes—he laughs with Bella and Alice—he has mood swings that would make a 13-year-old girl get whiplash. And there’s just a bit of arrogance to him
that I didn’t catch in Rob’s portrayal most of the time—but the sexy type of arrogance (not the oh-my- gosh-shut-up-I-want-to-kill-you kind). And somehow, I don’t get the sense that Rob is a hidden turn-of-the-20th-century gentleman. I can picture my book Edward in coat tails, longish hair, and a white gloves (a la Leonardo DiCaprio in Titanic), but I can’t quite make that mental picture of Rob compute with sex appeal.

The main reason I’m not a Rob-hater (and I’m not, I promise), is that I don’t know who I’d cast instead. I liked Stephenie’s pick (Henry Cavill in the event you can’t remember back that far and don’t have a weird memory for minutiae like I do). Three of my favorite oh-goodness-he’s-so-hot actors are Dean Cain, a younger Christian Bale, and Tom Welling (yeah, I have a Superman fetish, let’s move on). But the first two are way too old and Tom Welling is just nothing like Edward… he’ll always be Clark Kent,
anyway. I think if you had to back me into a corner, I might go for Ian Somerhalder (I’ve never watched Vampire Diaries and am basing this on my love of him from the WB’s summer show Young Americans that almost no one has ever heard of and his days as Boone of Lost) Matt Czuchry, or Justin Hartley. But any of them would have to dye his hair a dark reddish-brown with a few blonde highlights—not that dirty blonde color they’ve dyed Rob’s hair for the movies. And I’m not sure any of the three of them would really capture the essence of the character in my head. I think my perfect vampire is just like any author’s character—an impossible, wish-fulfillment figment of imagination.

So what do you think? Am I crazy, or is your book-Edward different than Rob too? Let the debating (and hating, probably!) begin.

Love,
The Plane Friend

When The Plane Friend told me her feelings about Rob as Edward I assured her she would NOT get hate (then took it back because I’ve been hated for much, much less). But I know that while this topic is NOT allowed on LTR, many LTT readers do not have the love for Rob that some of us do! So today let’s hear from YOU! Who would YOU have liked to have seen cast as Edward?

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93 Commented


Breaking Dawn… business cards!?

Dear Twilight,

A few weeks ago USA Today featured the Breaking Dawn promo cards given out at Comic Con (Moon? Are you reading this in Africa? Did you get these). They were horrific.

We’ve seen the pictures before. They are gracing us on the pages of the 2011/2012 Breaking Dawn Calendar. I think they’re supposed to get us excited for Breaking Dawn. Instead….. well, MarbleNutSlut though they looked more like bad business cards:

I jumped in on the fun with my own interpretations:

Looking forward to doing business with these 3!

Love,
UnintendedChoice (and MarbleNutSlut!)

Why are these promo pictures so horrible? What other occupations could the Twicast be involved with?

No updates from Moon to report so they must be busy running their camp for kids this week in Kenya! But if she gets a few moments to show her Kenyan friends LTT (Ha!) here is another picture to show how much we miss her!

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

37 Commented


Bella gets an Ann Taylor credit card, Edward loves the microwave & Jacob has Moobs

Dear Breaking Dawn,

We saw this:


and just couldn’t remain silent:

The one where they’ve given up:

UC: I haven’t had feelings about a poster this strongly since the last time we broke one down where slutty “Wal-mart Cami” Bella came into our lives. I miss those days… She looks so… grown up here. This is Ann Taylor Bella. And I don’t mean Ann Taylor Loft- that’s too hip… I mean old school, business suit Ann Taylor
Moon: And she has the old lady bouffant hair to prove it- and shes made the transition into old married lady too. only wearing her wedding band and not that the “cheese grater” ring as one of our readers calls it
UC: right. She’s given up- clearly.. Old & married.. time to just do whatever with her hair and… did her breasts grow? Did she put on the “I got married and gained 15 pounds” look?
Moon: its all the “Italiano” the Cullens are cooking her, and because she’s PREGGO. DUH! eating cartons of eggs in a single sitting will do that. and i bet blood is high calories too
UC: that’s true…. it probably is, but seriously… can we agree that whoever styles these “official” photoshoots is the worst ever? think it’s the neice of some summit exec.. and that’s why she hasn’t been fired after all these years?
Moon: yes i whole heartedly agree who ever is styling these is crazy and / or blind.
And since we’re on the subject of old marrieds…. can we say that Rob has also given up? He has a pot belly. Look what shes holding on to! when did Edward cullen get a lil extra cushion in the front???
UC: He was sneaking eggs too maybe on Isle Esme, or maybe Jake gave him what Edward thought were “roids” but instead were just protein bars full of fat & sodium. Taylor’s getting more jacked while Edward fattens up. He wants Bella to stray…. well, until he notices her new wardrobe & huge new hair
Moon: he pulled the ol’ swedish nutrition bars trick from Mean Girls on Edward. He’s gonna send Edward valentines carnations and make Bella wonder what going on. then she comes to the reservation and leaves Edward for Jacob
UC: yep. Does it look like Bella & Edward hit up the same salon in Rio? Got the same exact hair color?
Moon: Yes, the hair color they asked for is “Jacob’s benetint lip stain red” It seriously all matches
UC: haha or some intern went a little crazy with photoshop. again- another neice of a Summit exec

The one where we reminisce Eddie

Eddie CullenUC: you know what I miss in this image though? Eddie. Remember him? Couldn’t they have photoshopped Eddie here? I mean, I guess it doesn’t make sense with the story….
Moon: HAHAHAA . where’s Eddie’s van?
UC: OH- they could’ve shopped Nessie- creepy Nessie with an expression that says something like “watch out bitches. Don’t hug each other’s love handles too tight. I’m gonna to ruin it all soon enough”this is such a great post
Moon: HAHA

Moon: Solomon Trimble gave her some of his hot oil treatments
Calliope: so true. right before he got shipped off to a different tribe because he wasn’t studly enough.”
HAHAHA

UC: hahahah. Poor Solomon. and also true:

Calliope: I think imaginary/controlling/crazy mind of Bella- Edward shall be called Eddie. Because Edward wouldn’t haunt your thoughts. But a dude named Eddie- definitely would”

hahaha… UGH.. i miss when it was fun like this!!! DEAR SUMMIT & TWILIGHT : RED HAIR is LESS FUN than EDDIE

UC: Eddie is in the dark corners of your room- under your bed
Moon: Eddie’s the guy who comes up when you search convicted fellons/rapists in your neighborhood on the internet”

Eddie Cullen Van

Click for lols

UC: Look how fun all this was! Eddie might have creeped in your room when you were sleeping and peeked in on you in the shower, but at least he was FUN. ANN TAYLOR is not fun!

UC: Eddie drives a van
Moon: with no windows. Eddie’s the guy who rips tags off sofa cushions”

Moon: married chubby Edward is not fun
UC: I’ll take cigarette burns for “Fun” with Eddie over Edward’s married flub anyday
Moon: Jacob has some serious MOOBS- man boobs
UC: he DOES. is he feeling the pregnancy along with Bella?

UC: [Look at Edward] All up in Jacob’s grill. Eddie likes to get behind moon. Likes it from Behind Moon
Moon: THATS WHAT I SAID
UC: Eddie changed the phrase to “That’s what Eddie said” cuz he’s a perv”

I LOVE US
Moon: HAHAHAAHAH!! Now Edward just likes it from the microwave or the drive through window
UC: hahhaha
Moon: he doesnt even know what behind is unless its behind a hungry man dinner
UC: or behind the couch- where sometimes the remote falls.. He’s too lazy to get it so he just buys another remote. he has a closet with like 35 remotes just in case
Moon: he doesn’t care about cars anymore, just remotes and when mcd’s is bringing back the mcrib again
UC: Breaking Dawn Edward was actually modeled after Big Daddy. they had to- it was written in Taylor’s contract

Thomas Kinkade for Twilight?

Moon: its also like this calendar is like three different pictures put together: old married Bella and Edward, Jacob on a box in his new lipstick and a thomas Kinkade painting as the backdrop
UC: Maybe they were thinking of the Twilight Moms for this one? Giving them something classy enough to blow up as an 18×20 and hang above their fireplace mantel for once?
Moon: and “16 months wall calendar” where else are you going to put it??? unless you’re like me and it would say “16 month CLOSET calendar” that will stay on the Rob/Edward picture for like 7 months
UC: I love my Twilight closest calendars. I have at least 3- it’s approximately July 2009, October 2010 & February 2011 right now in my closet
Moon: my Rob calendar is stuck on april because june is a particularly not great month- his mouth is half open. I pretend the months of bad pictures just don’t happen in my Rob calendar year. I’d also like to openly admit that this calendar is hanging next to my framed mini movie posters, one signed by David Slade and one from new moon, and there may or may not be a Jacob barbie doll!! MAN i feel better after saying that
UC: HA HA~!!!! is this a new display since you moved?
I don’t remember seeing this!!

Eddie is bothered

Moon: hopefully breaking dawn movie poster will give me something better than the thomas kinkade married couples picture
it’s in the closet, around the corner. you’d really have to step in there and take a look
UC: when i visit next, after the bathroom, it’s the first place I’ll go in your home. (I’m just anticipating I’ll have to pee. I know myself )
Moon:
I’d like to make an edit on the 3 pictures that made up this calendar… this is actually the headshot Jacob used for his audition for rupaul’s drag race- showing off his mad lipstick and make up game along with his ability to create fantastic man boobs
UC:
DUDE…. Edward looks like Jimmy Fallon there… Edward is bothered!
Moon: SNACKLISH! HUNGERECTOMY! Pumpkins are just dumb fat squashes!!!
UC: Eddie is bothered! He wants his van in this poster!

I feel like such an old man reminiscing about the good ol’ days as much as I do lately, but couldn’t we get a little more for the first really official still from this movie? They better make it up to us!!!

Love,
UnintendedChoice and theMoonisDown

What do you think? Edward looking a little flubby here? Is Bella’s wig the WORST (well, no.. not the worst) How many ‘roids do you think Jacob takes a day (and by Jacob I, of course, mean the real-life person Taylor)

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151 Commented


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