Breaking down THE bed picture- you know, the underwhelming one….

Dear Breaking Dawn,

Moon & I started breaking dawn THE BED picture, and then ended up just creeping each other out. Hope you enjoy!

OMG OMG OMG I’M UNDERWHELMED

UC: OMG OMG OMG OMG… did you see it? The most over-hyped underwhelming picture of Edward & Bella in BED of the year!?
Moon: why yes, yes i did- i tweeted it out like an hr later. and then sat around and watched the crazy descend
UC: way to be on TOP of it (ahem) on top like Edward. Missionary style what whatttt!!
Moon: Bella’s first time
UC: Question: when you thought about yourself as Bella, doing it with Edward for the first time, because you know you did, how did you envision it? Missionary? I know you save your doggy style fantasizing for your Jake fantasies..
Moon: doesn’t Stephenie describe it as missionary in the book?? Cause he doesn’t want to crush her?
UC: does she GET that descriptive? Oh yes… the crushing….
Moon: ps the fact we’re breaking down the position is disturbing for any family members or friends reading
UC: sorry to all of them. but it’s SERIOUS, and we discuss SERIOUS things
Moon: and YET you’d think if he didn’t want to crush her it’d be the other way around
UC: also isn’t missionary best for baby-making? ? and since they make a baby (SPOILER ALERT)… or is that a myth
I will google it: Ah- Informative

“You may have heard that positions that deposit the sperm closest to the cervix — such as the missionary position (man on top) — are more promising than other positions. But there are no studies to back this up.”

thank you babycenter.com. but getting back to our fantasies.. I’m trying to think……
Moon: so wrong. isn’t everything about sex made up? it seems….
UC: I think so.
Moon: i mean if urban dictionary hasn’t heard of it than it can’t be true

Less Sex than on CSI

UC: right. So there’s that… Edward’s on top.. Big surprise. Are we jaded & t hat’s why we weren’t overwhelmed like it seemed the entirety of twitter was by this?
Moon: well i mean i guess i was underwhelmed cause its like we already know this happens, right? We’ve all read the books. they do it.
UC: right…. i know… i think we’ve built it up more in our minds… and at the end of the day… it’s just sex. And it’s going to be less sex than we generally see on an episode of CSI (believe me, I watched like 12 in the last few days i’ve been sick)
Moon: Or maybe we’re underwhelmed because it wasn’t on a bear skin rug. And even if its really Edward and Bella, Kristen and Rob should insist on any LOVE MAKING being on an animal hide
UC: I KNOW- it should be in their contracts. It should be wolf skin- just to stick it a little to Jacob
Moon: the fireplace is negotiable. The rug, NOT. It should be on a white wolf skin- the rarest of all! Suck it jacob!!
UC: have fun waiting 18 years for the zygote growing inside of me to grow up so you can get it on with her
Moon: HHAHAHA
UC: I just became Bella there.. in case you couldn’t tell
Moon: poor jacob. his life is the epitome of a “true love waits” campaign
UC: haha So true.. he’ll have to ask Kellan for tips
Moon: maybe kellan has given taylor pointers on how this works best
UC: jinx

The one where Faith Hill did it first

Moon: ALSO maybe it’s not ZOMG for us because it’s something thats pretty straightforward and less something we don’t know how it will turn out- like maybe if it was from the transformation or birth or something with Renesmee it’d be diff
UC: right…. they do it… it’s a glowing sunlit morning…. the sheets are beige….
Moon: I’d even say the feathers were better because it left so much to the imagination
UC: I’m thinking of another sex scene where you see a lot of beige translucent sheets….Wait..i’m pretty sure it’s Faith Hill’s video for “Breathe” but it might be from a movie…
Moon: and PS this is clearly from the same shoot with the feathers. give us something NEW!
UC: that’s how the scene always played out in my mind… and the hand with feathers, and now this, is proving even more to me that it will be that.. we’ll see the back of Edward- with Bella’s hand clasping at his skin…. maybe he’ll turn her on top for a second… a translucent beige sheet (or canopy from the bed) will fall and we’ll just see their outline.. and then up close shots of their mouths… all to a really kick ass song…like how the Sia song fit during the leg hitch scene
Moon: exactly. It will be all very tastefully and not crazy intense
UC: you’re right. no surprise.
Moon: cause this is a family film, and it will NOT be some crazy s&m, fan fic scenario. So everyone should ACCEPT it now
UC: ACCEPT IT NOW!
Moon: save the crazy shiz for after Bella’s is an indestructible vampire. She’d be more down for whips once he can’t kill her accidentally
UC: What this scene WILL be is great fodder for Robsten video makers. So we have that to look forward to!!
Moon: Dude bill condon already turned it sepia for them!! they’re half way there! All they need is an awkward song from celine dion and clips from a soft core porn and its done!

More after the jump! Continue…

198 Commented


What came first the Damon or the Edward? The Staceys dissect Twilight and Vampire Diaries

If you already watch Vampire Diaries, this post is for you. If you don’t, this post will show you WHY you should!

Dear Twilight,

As you might know (or the wonderful readers of LTT), we, The Staceys of Talk Supe, love Vampire Diaries. Almost as much as we love you, Twilight. No scratch that, as much as or, when Uncle Mason was on, a little more. (Seriously, did you see that guy? I bet Stephenie Meyers did a double take and almost said “Jacob who?”) I (East Coast Stacey aka EC) even started reading the books when she was a freshman in high school. (Vampire Diaries was the Twilight of the 90’s)

We feel pretty confident that we are well schooled on all things Mystic Falls due to taking copious notes while watching the show. I (EC) will ACTUALLY put her vanity aside and wear her glasses to get a better view of Somerhalder…the plot of the show.

SWD (aka SnowWhiteDrifted): It’s ladden with Twi references:

  • That one vamp’s computer password was “Kristen Stewart”.
  • They even have “Rose” who IS Alice 2.0.
  • Both set in upper middle class high schools with wolf packs and 6 packs

EC: We also noticed in our research that certain actors (ahem…Mr. Ian Somerhalder.) keep mentioning Twilight in interviews and Twitter comments. Also, have you noticed that Vampire Diaries keeps popping up on the comments here on LTT? (That might be mostly by us. Umm… #obsessed)

We discussed this amongst ourselves and thought, well 2011 would be the perfect time to compare and contrast the ‘good’ citizens of Forks and Mystic Falls. Though they reside on two different coasts (you know, rainy and chilly Washington and good ol’ North Carolina ya’all! But where, oh where, are the accents?) these two should be able to play nice! Just like the Staceys!

Heroes:

There is much comparison between Edward and Damon, but this is incorrect. (We say this pointedly to Mr. Somerhalder, who keeps bringing it up. Good thing, you’re cute mister!) The real hero of VampDi is Stefan, who is quite often forgotten about. (Poor Paul!)

Stefan and Edward share many common traits: intense emo-ness, a love of hair gel and a need to raid the closets of old men. Just put Edward in his New Moon Grandpa suit and stick Stefan in his flannel, plaid shirt/cardigan combo, then take them to the firehouse on bingo night. Honestly, Stefan would make a fantastic edition to the Cullen family. He could teach new vegan Vampires to catch bunnies. (He was an excellent teacher/camp councilor to Caroline!)
SWD: Oh I’d love to see Stefan absorbed into the Cullen family. Stefan and Edward would be besties! Bros!! The Harold and Kumar of the Pacific Northwest!! Also, Stefan could instruct the Cullens on putting a spell on their Cullen crest so that they could walk in the sunlight too. Get rid of that whole sparkle-plenty business. Carlisle would share his scarves and Esme would fluff his hoodies (In the dryer, people). I think Stefan would hit it off with Alice. *wink wink*. Leaving Jasper (sorry Jas, but you’re still my fav) to pack up and go to Bon Temps to play Confederate soldier with Bill Compton. (wait a minute, this may be in my fanfic… I digress).

Heroines:

Where there are emo boys and sexy baddies, you have to have the damsel in distress. These two movie/television characters are practically interchangeble danger magnets. Unlike, the Buffy days of old, Elena and Bella are saved by their men. I seem to recall that book Elena was more proactive than Bella, also blond.
The important part is that these two are also torn between two men. Elena gets to choose between Stefan and the fabulous Damon. Bella has Edward and…Jacob, who needs a shirt. (Side note, Damon doesn’t) (Disclaimer: EC is only Team wolf/shifter on True Blood. Except, for the too short of time on VampDi when she was Team Dearly Departed Uncle Mason. * sniff *)

Villains:

Like True Blood’s Eric, Damon is a semi-villain. He can do good or really bad things if he wants to. Damon ‘killed’ Elena’s brother more then once this season and the dearly departed Mason was one of his causalities. (SWD, I still think Mason’s coming back. He’ll reincarnate, like Bella’s flannels) Yet still, there are far worse characters on the show. Twilight, on the other hand, except for Laurent’s momentary walk on the veggie side are primarily all bad boys and girls. James and Riley were bad. Not too much redemption possibilities with those two. Perhaps, if James had a better wardrobe and a bath? Hmm…
SWD: I think it’s his odd arm poses and crouch stance that make him so irritable.

BUT, the true baddies of both are the ladies! Victoria was a badass. If only her bad girl antics were shown in more detail, she would have been really scary. VampDi’s Katherine has the same Victoria qualities, but they show her doing the evil things. I wouldn’t want to meet her in a dark alley! (Of course, I probably would just think its Elena and ask if she wanted to go get a manicure. Unlike, Bella, Elena seems to be a girl who wants to get her nails done.)
SWD: I want to go boot shopping with Bonnie and Alice.

Sexy times:

VampDi has them. Lots of them. Twilight doesn’t until the implied loving in Breaking Dawn. Which leads to the biggest difference, Damon and Stefan thankfully can’t procreate. The Cullens, with their sparkly manhood can. This leads to all sorts of spine breaking hijinks. Yuck!
SWD: Ever wonder what kind of music Edward and Stefan would choose for smexytimes? I do. Is that “Normal?”

EC: Totally normal! I like to imagine some Dave Matthews Band or Train! Through in some vintage Counting Crowes. I could do this all day!

Violence:

We touched on this in the Villains category, Twilight seems to shy away from a lot of graphic violence. It has it, but it’s quick. The Vampire deaths in Eclipse were all crystal shattering, which looked cool, but not scary. The scariest Twilight book scene was in Breaking Dawn…you guessed it Bella’s childbirth scene. Still having the nightmares!
SWD: For me, I think the wedding braids are even scarier than the childbirth scene.

VampDi is traditionally violent for the CW. Not Supernatural violent. I only watch that show for the Winchester Brothers and my eyes are covered for most of the show. VampDi is tame in comparison! But, there’s a much bigger mortality rate of major characters. If Newton was on that show, he would be dinner by now.
SWD: I can see Newton walking into the Mystic Grill. Trys to lay down some moves on Caroline. Caroline is annoyed and has herself a Newtontini.

More after the jump! Continue…

38 Commented


Twilight 101: Twilight (the book)

Dear Twilight,

I get a lot of people whom I refer to as “civilians” ask me what you are. “What’s this Twilight thing about?” they say.  Seems like a simple enough question, right? But I’d say it’s isn’t so simple. How do you even begin to explain the intricacies and the idiosyncrasies and the “holy crow’s?” With this new series I aim to explain Twilight to beginners and give your fans an easier way to share their love of all things sparkly vampires and the humans they love.

And with that I get you the first installment in Twilight 101: Twilight (the book)

Dear Twilight Newbie-

You may know this as that book with the apple on the cover that made grown women go crazy, your wife disappear for hours on end, your internet bill surge and teens declare sides in the Team Edward vs Team Jacob war that will play out over the following 3 books and subsequent films. Or you may know it as that mega Times best seller than spawned major block buster movies. Or you may know it as that book with the sprarkly vampires. But what’s this book REALLY about? I’m here to share…

Bella, the stumbling accident-prone mousey girl from Phoenix, Arizona moves to Forks, Washington to live with her Dad (coincidentally the town’s Police Chief) because her absentee Mom has married a stud minor league baseball player she met after a spring training game at a TGIFridays and now wants to travel the farm league circuit with him to glamorous places like: Jacksonville, Florida. So Bella takes the hint and moves in with dear, old oblivious Dad: Charlie. Then hijinks ensue. Thinking she’s doomed to live a deary, boring life in Forks, Bella is surprised to find herself the talk of the high school from the nerds to the jocks. But being a girl Bella isn’t interested in safe, boring people who are interested in HER. She can only think about the mysterious boy from biology class and his weird adoptive yet not related beautiful  siblings who oddly enough never go to school on sunny days. But never mind the underlying danger… everything about him draws HER in!

So who are these people you ask…

The Humans-

Stop trying to make fetch happen!

Bella and her school friends and unintended (heh) suitors make up the majority of the sleepy and oblivious unsuspecting town. They include school heartthrob Mike Newton whom Bella describes as a golden retriever and whom mostly reminds us of a Jonas Brother with blond hair or Kirk Cameron AFTER he found Jesus. Pretty much the guy no girl with Daria-like tendencies would want to go out with. In a million-gabillion years. Then there are the girlfriends like Angela. Pretty much that sweet girl who was nice to everyone and befriended the new girl even when she was the flavor of the week who stole all the boys from the girls who has put in hard time. Then we have the “Mean Girls…” Jessica Stanley and Lauren Mallory, who combined are essentially the Regina George of Forks High School to Bella’s Cady Heron. These are the bitches who could be your best friend or worst enemy depending on the day.

The Vampires-

Just your typical neighbor in the Pacific Northwest

These aren’t your Grandma’s traditional vamps or your Anne Rice vamps or your bodice ripping (we wish) vamps. The Cullen family are the Brady Bunch of the Stephenie Meyer vampire world. Sure, they have their dark and tortured pasts but they’ve given all that up in exchange for a few years in rainy weather towns surviving on, what they refer to as, “a vegetarian diet.” Meaning they don’t take a little sip from humans anymore. They hunt down animals and make a bloody mary cocktail that will last them a few weeks, thus making it easier to sit through their 2394294th time as a high schooler. Monotonous you say? Why, yes. Yes it is. And that’s where we find out sparkly protagonist, Edward when he first encounters Bella in Biology class. And barely able to control himself runs out of class to save her and himself and not to mention the 30 other kids in the class from certain death. But of course like a typical dude, Edward is taken by the new girl just as much as Bella, being a total girl is intrigued and pissed off by the mysterious boy. And as they say the rest is history.

Like I said these aren’t your typical vampires, Stephenie Meyer has given her vamps all kinds of special characteristics that set them apart and leave her readers with difficult situations like trying to explain to a vampire lover or even a regular dude why vampires sparkle. And yes, they do sparkle. Why? well who really knows other than it’s a plot device used to differentiate them in the sunlight instead of bursting into flames in like old school vamps. Rather these guys look more like a diamonte choker from the Joan Collins for QVS jewelry collection in the sun.

They also have special powers: mind reading, mood altering, future telling, extreme sexiness and the ability to ‘glower’ at a moments notice. They also appear to have super human control over sexual temptation because there’s enough tension in this book it leaves the Twimoms (we’ll cover them eventually) and the tweens quivering (ew) for years. You wanna know why girls disappeared into their rooms for days on end reading these books? THAT is your answer. That sweet, delicious tension. And his name is Edward Cullen.

See, I told you so!

Notable Quotables-

  • “And so the lion fell in love with the lamb” – THE Twilight quote. Suitable for Etsy crafts, regrettable tattoos and quoting to your resigned boyfriend
  • “About three things I was absolutely positive. First, Edward was a vampire. Second, there was a part of him-and I didn’t know how potent that part might be-that thirsted for my blood. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him..” – Teaching teens and grown ups alike the word “irrevocable”
  • “You are exactly my brand of heroin” – Stephenie Meyer’s pro-drug PSA. High Schoolers need more excuses to think up new and exciting non-traditional drugs. A hit of your girlfriends blood? Why not!
  • “Holy Crow” – aka OHHHH SSSHHHEEEEETTT!

Follow the cut for more on the villians, the conflict and some business time
Continue…

137 Commented


I just don’t “get” Rob Pattinson

Today Team Seth leads us in a conversation about those who GET Rob Pattinson & those who do not:

Dear LTT,

I know we just had our anniversary last month, but I need to let you know that I’m feeling guilty. Just a little bit. It’s not about something that I’ve DONE, don’t worry, I would never, ever hurt you, but rather about something that I HAVEN’T done. And I’m not talking about the dishes–but I will finish those up, so quit nagging!  Okay, it’s best just to say it: I feel guilty that I don’t know anything about Rob and that I never go to LTR.

I know what you’re thinking, “What is Rob compared to rocks and mountains?”  I know right! Seriously! That’s what I was thinking too, but, one time when I was talking to UC on gchat, she said something about Rob and I had no clue what she was talking about. She replied, “Wait, you don’t like Rob?” and I felt SO BAD, but I couldn’t lie–not to UC!–so I softened my actual opinion by saying, “Well, he’s not my favorite.”  She replied, “Oh, I just assumed everyone who reads the blogs did.”

Record scratch.

Is there something wrong with me?

This is how I imagine a conversation between a Normal LTRer and myself might go:

TeamSeth: So, what, you… you can’t see anyone?
NormalLTRer: I can’t see anyone in this room apart from Rob. There’s… Plaid shirt. Sex hair. Salvation army clothes. Sex jaw. Cat. And then you, nothing. You don’t see Rob. That’s very frustrating.
TeamSeth: Is there something wrong with me?
NormalLTRer: See, I tell you that I can only see Rob, and you think there’s something wrong with you.

I’m so Bella in this situation! Confused guilt! I don’t Robsess. I never did. I never will. I cannot be “converted” to “the Rob“.  I am lost on all things Rob. Sure he’s hot, but so what! What is it about him that I just don’t get? That I just don’t see that everyone else seems to see?  What is so spectacular about Rob?  I thought he acted better in Harry Potter! At least we could hear him speak as if he didn’t have a retainer in his mouth. (“We have to leave Forks.”) And I DID watch Little Ashes but that was because I studied that era of Spanish literature and art. I won’t pretend I didn’t enjoy the masturbation by the radiator scene, but otherwise, Marina Gatell made that film. She was brilliant.

Now, before you blow both my freakin’ heads off, please hear me out. This is a tweed serious situation for me.

What don’t you buy? That’s how I feel.

I took the quiz- The Robsessed quiz to determine what level you are. I know I’m an outsider to LTR, so I don’t really count, but hell, I needed to know!  I’m a level 2.  TWO!  I felt ashamed. As an active member of the LTT “online book club”, shouldn’t I at least be level 3 by osmosis?  But then in my ashamed comment about it, which sparked this whole letter, I realized that I’m a level-5 Burke obsession and a level-6 Bewley/Cudmore (they come as a twin-pack for me, sorry, that’s how I met them).  So, what does that mean?  Rob’s just not my type?

I mean, some girls are into Rob, not ALL girls apparently… Though I’m surprised you even went to LTR at all.

It’s just hard–isolating–to not like Rob.  Have you ever google image searched Daniel Cudmore?! I mean, go try it right now, I’m serious. Go try it.  Yeah. Exactly. And in 1 week when you google image search him again, I promise, those same 10 pictures will pop up, just in different image sizes.  You remember when I used to post Billy Burke and Charlie Bewley pics every day?  That was me challenging myself to find a unique image of those guys every day. There are less photos of the Charlies combined than there are scandals of Rob right now (see! I really did go read LTR!)

All I’m saying is, you Rob people, you are so darn lucky! Robp0rn EVERYWHERE! New Robporn ALL the time! Lucky lucky lucky! It’s like that song should be changed to “It’s raining Rob! Hallelujah it’s raining Rob!”  Because really, I can google image search Rob and then 10 seconds later do it again and there’s NEW pictures! It’s astonishing really.

I used to be a good kid, but not anymore.

RPattz has nothing on JJacks

Well, I decided to take a long, hard look at this situation and figure out why I’m not into Rob, but am into Bewley, Cuddley, and Burke.  I had to trek all the way down memory lane back to when Eckerds was still a company and it was where I spent most of my weekly allowance on Bop magazine. I never liked JTT and hardly liked Devon Sawa*, but I was totally into Jonathan Jackson. Like hardcore. To the point that I wrote him a letter in my 10 year old bubbly scribble. I even got a response in postcard form with an obviously fake signature (which pissed me off). Each Bop magazine had usually 1 pic of Jackson, and like 5 of JTT and 3 of Sawa. So unfair! Then, as time progressed, I began to have a huge crush on Ethan Embry. Who?  Precisely. If he hadn’t starred in Can’t Hardly Wait, I’m not sure what I would’ve done to decorate my closet door.

The point is, I’ve never crushed on the popular guy. Maybe I have this sick idea that the least famous he is, the more likely I’ll be able to meet him? I don’t know. But even in middle school and high school, my sister can attest to this, the guys I picked to crush on weren’t really the cream of the crop. I mean, if you’re gonna go for it, at least pick a hot guy, right? But, no. And it wasn’t like, “Oh, he’s got an awesome personality and is so funny.” thing, I wouldn’t even KNOW the guy! I’d just assign him as “hot” in my mind and then write about him obsessively for a week in my diary. Then the next week I’d hate him and say how “butt-ugly he was anyway”. Ah, seventh grade.

So, what’s my deal?  Why can’t I just be normal and like the guy everyone else does? Why can’t I just like Rob?
And furthermore, who the hell is TomStu? Not quite Rob, but always around? Sounds like he might just be who I ought to have been crushing on all along…

With Kind Regards,
TeamSeth

*tuesdaymidnight–what’s up with Sawa these days? I know this is your specialty.

Follow-up:
I finally google image searched TomStu. Holy crap! He sort of has this Matt Smith thing going on in a few of the pics. I can’t even decide what to do now. Is it weird to have a crush on TomStu?  Do other people do this? Is it the cool thing to do?   If I’m crushing on TomStu, and he’s Rob’s bestie, does that make a Rob-crushing person my bestie? Should I even effort this at all? Is he even straight?! Is he of legal age? Is he too ‘mainstream’ for me? Maybe I’ll just dive on in… GERONIMOOOOO!!! (yes Stacey, that last reference was for you, oh, and you, Sj)

Team Seth: Is it safe to assume you’re not the biggest Edward Cullen fan? If so, is THAT maybe why you don’t get Rob?

LTT Update

The Forum is still down, but some of the Rob’s Flat regulars started a Google Group. Request to join to continue in the fun while we figure out how to fix what the Russian spies broke when they tried to steal our secrets on the creation of a successful photo- manip of Big Daddy consuming a fried fish sandwich.  Rob’s Flat Google Group

Otherwise you can find us on Twitter & on LTR where we talk about “That Rob Guy!”

168 Commented


Not Everyone Knows About Edward Cullen

We got this letter the other day

You don't know me? Then I'm gonna eat your dog

Girls,

I was in my office last week, talking about books and stuff…as you do. And there was a person in my office who had NEVER HEARD of Edward Cullen.

I want to know how this is humanly possible?!

The man (or Rob is, anyway) is everywhere (forget Rob, he’s overkill right now, just give me his frequent flyers). T-shirts, dolls (on sale in Borders, 50% off), magazines, DVD’s, newspapers, even blogs. He’s probably on a fridge magnet somewhere and pencils, too. You can’t walk down the street or turn on the television or turn on a computer without encountering Twilight/Edward/Rob in some way. How is it possible that anyone in the Western world has never heard of this character? He literally screwed up his eyebrows in confusion and said ‘who’? when the name Edward Cullen was mentioned.

Because my brain is now distorted with too much Twi-Fic (I blame you and your blog for the countless hours that I have spent reading this stuff!), too many blogs – am I too close to it to see that it maybe isn’t as everywhere as I might have thought? Am I actively seeking Twi/Edward, and therefore don’t realise that he isn’t as everywhere as I assume him to be?

This is sort of more your super sleuth department than mine – but seriously. He’d never heard of Edward Cullen. And he’s in his twenties! Is this possible, and if so, how?

Natalie

I respond, after much deliberating & research, after the jump! Continue…

6 Commented


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