Give me my money back! Kellan Lutz will no longer be Twilight-Cruising

twilightcruiseDear Kellan,

I was devastated when I found out you won’t be going on the Twilight Cruise in August of 2010. Seriously. Devastated. I actually said out loud, “Aww shucks!” It’s not going to be the same without you there peeling shrimp with me at the midnight seafood buffet. And who will I do the macarena with now, and how am I going to find a new duet partner to sing Islands in the Stream with me during late night karaoke? And I was planning on dressing as Rosalie during the Twilight-Prom themed “formal night” and going to ask you to dress up as Emmett so we could grind together to Paramore songs.

In the beginning...God created Kellan. And he looked good"

In the beginning...God created Kellan. And he looked good"

But now, who’s gonna judge the “Twilight t-shirt, wet-t-shirt” contest and what about leading prayer the morning after the wet t-shirt contest when we regret the fornicating we did that evening after I won?  And in the off chance that the ship starts to sink, you were my #1 choice to lead us in singing our favorite hymns as we plunge into the icy waters. Who’s gonna fill your shoes now!? Alex Meraz? Humph- it’s clear that he does not have the same commitment to his spiritual life that you do.  Have you seen his shirtless pictures? Completely man-whorish. At least with your shirtless pictures it’s clear you’re just trying to teach the children the story of how Adam was put here on this earth by God in a perfect form- naked and unashamed. You are truly a Biblical example.

"Buttcrack Santa"

Say "Berry Cobbler"

Obviously Alex Meraz is a last-resort choice and no one will come close to you, but I do have some suggestions for the Twilight Cruise planners for who might come in at a close second. #1: The person who cleaned the trailers on the set(s). Now that person would be interesting to talk to. What did they find? What did Rob eat? Did they come across any condoms? What were the results of the DNA test they ran (obviously) after picking up the used condoms? This would be a perfect session to hold in the grand ballroom on Day 1 of the cruise. #2 That waitress (Cora) from the diner, Ayanna Berkshire. What an interesting choice she would be to lead a discussion on the why’s and how’s she went about the line “Buttcrack Santa?” Quick teaser from my list of Top 10 things I want to ask Ayanna Berkshire: “How many times did you have to do the scene where you said “The boys wanna know” since you were talking about the oldest looking lumberjack grandpas on the planet? Ha! “The Boys…” good one.”

While your place will never be filled completely, I believe either one of these options gets us closer to the magic that would have happened with the infamous Kellan Lutz, womanizer, lover of all sorts of Twilight fans- short ones, tall ones, hot ones, fat ones, skinny ones, pretty ones, hot ones, not pretty ones, old ones, young ones, hot ones- on board. I just really need to express my deep disappointment that you won’t be there. Because you, Kellan Lutz, lover of Twilight fans, lover of shirtless pictures, lover of talking about your small role in the Twilight saga, would be an incredible addition to a boat full of thousands of twi-hards, floating at sea for a full seven days never giving you a moments peace from their demands to sign their paperback books, posters of Rob, twilight chuck taylors & breasts.

My heart will go on,
UnintendedChoice

*Little Tip from UC & Moon, gals who would never ever in a million years subject ourselves to the 2nd-hand embarrassment of a Twilight cruise, don’t book your tickets now. They say Ashley & Alex are committed- and they are, but only until they have a conflict with another film. Which they will. It’s so far in advance. Plus, it’s not going to sell out. (Oh my gosh… if a Twilight Cruise sells out….. I am really ashamed to be a fan….)

Let me tell you what Jena does in The Forum for us all. She posts literally every video of Rob EVER. Cuz she rules. And we love her. Find them all here

And check out what Moon has for us & Robbie on LTR

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A birthday party with the Cullens

Dear Moon,

Tonight, the Cullen family cordially invites you over to their home to celebrate your birthday.  I know you don’t like surprises, so I snooped around to see what gifts the family was going to surprise you with and I have some advice:

carlisleesmeCarlisle is going to let you get any medical procedure at 10% off (Tues-Fri. only) although he is willing to “change you” for free. He also offered to introduce you to his son….

Esme promises to hug you often, but more gentle than any other member of the family. And if you were to hit if off with that son that Carlisle mentioned, she is offering free advice on being intimate with a vampire…

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edwardEdward promises to lend you his jacket for the evening as well as hitch your leg over his hip.

If that’s not good enough, you can take a spin in his volvo- I hear the seats go all the way back, if you know what I’m saying. (This is where Esme’s advice will come in handy!) Remember to take your birth control pill!

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_rosalie_haleRosalie has graciously offered to stay out of your way for most of the evening. She also has promised to keep her jealousy of you under wraps.

And that pesky little girl who follows Edward around? Bella something…? Well, Rose promises to be a fake lesbian with her for the night so you and Edward have some alone time (Wait.. is the fake lesbian theme in the Twilight Saga at all? Cuz the lines between twi-reality & our blog-reality are blurring…)

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emmettcullenBear hugs are Emmett’s specialty, and he loves giving them out. Watch out though- he might get a little frisky and try to turn them into “special hugs.”

After your done with his hugs, ask him to read you his favorite Bible story- the one about Samson.  He can’t get enough of Bible characters with superhuman strength!

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Alice-Cullen-twilight-movie-2185809-800-600Besides Edward, Alice is going to be the best thing about your birthday party! Not only will Alice tell you whether or not you’ll need that ‘intimacy with a vampire’ advice from Esme, but she’ll let you know what other presents Edward is surprising you with (ya know, just so you know how much you need to thank him)

Not sure what to wear tonight? No prob! Alice will be at your house 1 hour early with 2 bags full of high-end designer options. Plus she’ll do your hair & your make-up…..! You’re gonna look so smokin’ at this party that Rosalie won’t stick by her promise to keep her jealousy in check- plus Emmett & Jasper are gonna be begging Edward for details on your two…. (no pressure…)

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JasperHaleUh, Jasper won’t be there. He isn’t invited to birthday parties anymore…. the last one didn’t go so well…

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Enjoy your night! Happy birthday! Remember.. I’m the first to know all hook-up with Edward details!

XO,
UnintendedChoice

PS: See what Rob & The Quad did for Moon’s big day over at Letters To Rob

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Buttcrack Santa

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Hi! I'm a creepy old dude. Wanna see my buttcrack?

Dear Buttcrack Santa,

I’m gonna be honest here. The very fact that you exist kinda makes me ashamed to be a Twilight fan. I understand the importance of Waylon Forge’s murder in the plot development of the movie (and I agree it was a good thing to be added) but BUTTCRACK SANTA? Are you serious? The fact that the word “buttcrack” is uttered in the same movie where Robert Pattinson is playing the perfection that is Edward Cullen is what completely took Twilight out of Oscar contention.*

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I’m one of those gals who loved Twilight the movie from the first moment I saw it. I had realistic expectations. I didn’t expect it to follow the book exactly- I expected it to fall short of Stephenie Meyer’s magical creation. All my expectations were met, and so I loved the movie. (And the fact that I fell in LOVE with a certain Robert Pattinson on the night of November 21st, 2008 probably helped too.) But that’s not to say that I wasn’t complaining about a few particular ‘no-no’s’ like the best of them:

  • Spider Monkey: the perfection of Edward Cullen would never say those awful words, and the perfection of Robert Pattinson better have been paid a million bucks just to utter that shizz.
  • Gay Eric Yorke: I’m cool with Eric being Asian even though the books never ever alluded to that, but how can a GAY Eric like Bella and ask her out? Last time I checked, homosexual males like other homosexual males.
  • robsabs

    Should've skipped the effect and given us more of Rob's abs

    Lame-Ass Sparkles: I love small budget films. I love that directors have to be more creative than their big-budget counterparts, but skimping on Edward “sparkling like diamonds?” Um HALE NO! And adding SOUND EFFECTS? That lame “special effect” can be achieved on my trusty ole’ ibook G4. I should never be able to create the same effect people in the “movies” create.

  • Monkey-Man: As if I needed another reason to hate Nikki Reed, she has to call Emmett her “monkey man.” COME ON! Vampires EAT Monkeys! Say something sexier- like “My Purpose Driven Vampire
  • Eric Yorke playing with worm: Wtf? I have nothing else to say here. Ew. That’s just 2nd-hand embarrassing.
  • Say-it Out loud: Okay, hold up a sec. I feel a little pressured here. I’m afraid that if I give in and actually “say it out loud” all the crazy S. Meyers-hatin’ feminists are going to come after me and tell me I’m a disgrace to the female gender…are you sure you want to pressure me that way, oh perfect Edward Cullen who would never pressure Bella like this in the books.. ever?

So you see, Waylon aka “Buttcrack Santa,” I don’t have many complaints with the movie. I didn’t even mind Victoria showing up at prom, despite the fact that obviously Edward would have caught her scent and obviously vampires can’t cry. I thought it was a nice effect. But a gay, worm-dangling, sparkling, monkey-man who utters the words “Spider Monkey” out loud? Sorry, I could’ve done without all of that. And you? Well, unfortunately for you, your life ended much too soon, but to be honest, how much of a life was it really if you were known around town as “Buttcrack Santa?”

Love,
UnintendedChoice

*I don’t actually believe this statement. It is false and one that is uttered with complete and total sarcasm. Unfamiliar with sarcasm? Leave our site now. I’m not kidding. Get the hell outta here.

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Twilight- the Lost Script

Dear Twilight,

I must be really out of it here because I thought I had read/seen/heard everything related to you that was published in the last 2 years, but I totally missed this one. MSN did a hilarious post called “Twilight- the lost Script” back in November.  I captured the pictures and hilarious convo for my blog so that I can read it forever into eternity. It’s that good.

Love,
UnintendedChoice  

Click to make the pics bigger and laugh along with me! 

picture2

The hilarity continues after the jump. You don’t want to miss this!

  Continue…

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Let's hear it for the boys!

Dear LTT readers-

I know we made a New Years resolution to bring you more letters to the Twilight ladies. And we have! We’ve talked about them A LOT lately, in fact. But let’s get real here, we know why we all come here on a daily basis (besides extreme boredom at work). It’s to see some hot Cullen Boys action! That’s right, enough with the fake lesbo’s and girl talk and the mani/pedi’s- let’s get to the real deal, I’m talking hot Edward, Emmett, Jasper and Carlisle action!

Bella who?
themoonisdown

More Cullen boy video goodness after the jump…
Continue…

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