A sincere (about 97%) letter to Taylor Lautner

Dear Taylor,

Can I do a thing we never do with you? No no no not take you down to Chris Hansen’s office & turn ourselves in. I mean talk to you girl to man for a sec without bringing up Olive Garden [except to say that Mr. Choice went there last week because he was wooed by their "two entrees for $12.95" special and was pretty disappointed to learn that the Tuscan Training every chef goes through is actually a conference room rented in a strip mall off a highway in Italy that a regional manager gets to go to every 5 years.] And I won’t even bring up Big Daddy Lautner (but where ARE you Daniel?)

Remember when you looked like this?

and sounded like Kermit the frog when you said “Scary Story?”

Well….. something changed. You almost lost your job. And then you fought to earn your place. Armed with little baggies of meat

And did you ever.

The awkward kid with the boy voice & karate-chop moves turned into a ripped man with terribly guido-esque gelled hair. (Who seems to still hold on to those Karate Chop moves…)

But it was a start. After the baggies of body enhancing drugs meat did their thing & you solidified your role as THE Jacob Black, you continued to blossom.

You started drinking more water without your shirt:

And now you wear shirts with polarizing messages:

(pretty sure that’s photoshopped FYI)

And you landed the cover of GQ

Probably the first virgin ever to do so

You could’ve looked like this:

But instead you look like this:

 

TAYLOR WITH A WOLF! I GET IT!

You know you’ve made it when you are the butt of everyone’s joke:

And someone carves the fat version of you into a pumpkin:

What I’m trying to say is, Taylor: I’m glad you ate those baggies of meat-roids. I’m glad you fought for your right to be dumped by the girl you love and fall in love with her half-human child when it was still a baby. I’m glad you mentioned liking the Olive Garden one time so that we could make it out to be the only place you ever eat (it is, right?) And I’m glad your dad could beat up any Edward-Cullen sized guy who tried to steal the girl you love in real life. All while eating the entire stock of his local McDonald’s breakfast menu. You did it. You ARE Jacob Black. And I’m not sure I ever told you I thought so. I’m not sure I ever really admitted it until now.

Warm fuzzies forever,
UnintendedChoice

Something I learned while doing research for something other than pictures of Taylor & Olive Garden is that there are Jacob & Bella Fan Vids:

Try not to cry during this one kids.. and cry over the emotion, not just his terrible DEP-gel filled hair:

When did you realize Taylor WAS Jacob Black?

Thanks to our pals at Adventures in Twilighting for finding that fat Taylor pumpkin! Hilarious

10 Commented


We made the character pictures even better

Dear Breaking Dawn,

Here we fixed them for you:

20120525-102508.jpg

I will haunt you FOREVER

20120525-102502.jpg

I will be the more famous dad FOREVER

20120525-102453.jpg

I’ll be talking about how I made ROBSTEN, FOREVER!

You’re welcome!

Love,
UnintendedChoice

(ps I’m posting this from my phone because I forgot my LTT password & got locked out of the computer version. Best blogger award right here, please)

16 Commented


The time I wanted Jacob (or maybe I was ill)

Dear Jacob,

Something happened yesterday. I was listening to the Breaking Dawn Part 1 Soundtrack on Spotify, chatting with my pal, Marah, when I had an epiphany:

I'm sick. I think I'm attracted to Jacob

Marah: this soundtrack is kinda sappy. I mean, i don’t know what i expected but yeah
UC: I like the latter half.. it’s just.. so….so poppy
Marah: i’m going to assume the christina perri was written for the movie
UC: the wedding scene. the first dance? It’s SCREAMING that. Also: I feel like i might be really attracted to jacob in this movie . that is odd for me to say. i will write about this tomorrow.
Marah: oh my god seriously???
UC: i have no idea why
Marah: that’s horrifying
UC: i mean.. i think i have a fever right now. so maybe that’s why I’m saying this… but I also think it’s cuz.. well, Edward is all married.. he’s not attainable… and Jacob is… I could reach into the movie screen, grab him & make him mine. this is very weird… I’m feeling very weird
Marah: but YOU are married! and jacob is… icky
UC: i think i definitely have a fever. right? like.. this is the fever talking?? i mean.. i think right now, looking at my Spotify account.. streaming Breaking Dawn… seeing Edward & Bella all cozied up.. with Jacob alone.. he kinda looks like Damon from Vampire diaries.. the odd one out… the hot one i want…and i’m pretty sure THAT’s why I’m saying this.. cuz.. I couldn’t possibly.. right? like.. i don’t want jacob, right?
Marah: have you looked at his face? he’s no damon
UC: i think maybe i’m just looking at his muscles. and they FOR SURE have him standing on a box, so he looks so tall. like he’s standing on a big ass box.
Marah: i think there’s no way to like taylor lautner. like we can assign rob depth or whatever and he kind of backs it up. like ok maybe he would be okay to talk to, but taylor…I can’t make a distinction between Taylor & Jacob. And what’s to like about jacob?
UC: i don’t mean I’m into TAYLOR. ew. that’s icky. I just mean jacob. I kinda want jacob right now. Or my fever does….and i know taylor IS jacob, but i’d like to forget that for a moment and live in this fantasy where jacob is someone like Damon or… i dunno some other dark haired bad ass… {even though I think Taylor is a good jacob. a nice jacob. i never needed to be attracted to jacob.) Maybe it’s Rob’s Insurance man clothes. I mean Edward’s

 

So…. is it my fever? (Yes it will be gone before I come snuggle with you on Saturday, Moon) or am I on to something here? I know there is a HUGE group of people on Team Jacob. I know there are  HUGE group of people on Team TAYLOR.  I’ve never been one of those people. But Edward seems so…. married. And a BIG fan of Brooks Brothers. And I guess… I just feel kinda bad for Jacob. I mean, I know, I know.. he gets the baby eventually (yuck rephrasing- when she’s a big GROWN girl) but in the meantime, he’s one sad puppy.

And I want to cuddle with sad puppies. Maybe let them lick my face. Maybe they can spend the night at the foot of my bed.

Wow.. I really DO have a fever don’t I?

Love,
UnintendedChoice

So.. is it the fever talking?  Am I switching Teams? Am I just looking for something new? Has Edward lost his allure since he’s all hitched & stuff so I’m on the one I can’t have? And EW I’m talking about JACOB here… not Taylor. Let’s make sure to remember there is a difference (in my head!)

Still looking for something to wear to the Breaking Dawn Midnight showing? Might we suggest this beautiful design from the LTT/LTR Store? Wigs are still a hot topic with Breaking Dawn. Have you SEEN the pictures of Carlisle Cullen? War of the Wigs Tshirts & More (Ps- find some discount codes here)

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

32 Commented


The Cullen/Swan Wedding Reception

Dear Bella Cullen’s Wedding Reception,

Having just got married, oh, last weekend, I’m “down with the kids” on this whole wedding thing. I mean, I even sported the Bella barrette before you made it popular (and don’t pretend Alice didn’t steal the idea from ME!

"I'm crying because I'm so moved you used my hair barrette just like Team Seth did with her mom's hair barrette in her wedding, which happened before yours."

I know Alice saw me make my decision to wear my mom’s hair barrette before I made it. Then she STOLE the idea. Right out of my head. She’s supposed to use her powers for good–or is that witches? Too many vampire shows.)

Anyway, back to the letter… So, recently TeamJacobEdward emailed me back from the slathering of wedding photos I sent her and closed the email with: “PS did Jacob show up and steal a dance before he attended you to Edward Mr. Seth?”  [Don't you just love her for using the word "attended"? I know I do.]

Her postscript got me to thinking.

For the weeks leading up to the event, I joked about how I wanted Murray Gold to come and stop the wedding in one of those over-the-top elaborate, only-happens-in-the-movies kind of ways; profess his love for me after speeding from the airport, drenched in rain all The Notebook sex scene style… You know, that sort of thing.  (if you don’t know who Murray is, go here for an impertinent informational interview)  But when the day came, as NatteringYeahRobber predicted, I didn’t think about Murray at all! (which is actually *not* true since I played one of his songs in my ceremony, thus his name was on our program…Murray will live on at my wedding forever! *does the Vincent Price laugh* (which was ALSO at the wedding via “Thriller”))

But I didn’t think about him coming into the wedding and sweeping me away–or cutting in for a dance or even just surprising me by showing up. I was caught up in the evening, having fun and eating the delicious cheese ravioli, dancing to the great New Wave that our DJ dropped and drinking porters.

Unlike Murray at my wedding, we know Jacob DOES show up to steal a dance with the bride. Sure, it will be exciting and emotionally moving, if not a little awkward.  But do you really want that?

If I can't come, Bella, I don't want you to come!

Let’s think about it. We all know I’m a fan of Jacob and like him better than Edward—but not for Bella. Bella and Edward are perfect for each other. Jacob is not compatible with her (just her egg?) and thus it’s not a good match. So, in Eclipse when he was all “And maybe even then.” after Bella said “Right. Until my heart stops beating.” in that sweat lodge bedroom of his, she should have thought, “Okay, we’ve made our peace. He’s gotten my admission of love and some mountain top tongue action. Neither of us died in battle. Now it’s over. I’m committed to Edward 100% and cannot wait to live my life with him, forever.”  So, when Jacob shows up all shaggy haired and disheveled looking to touch the bride’s shapely body and virgin white dress with his grubby little rejected twice-over hands, do you really want that?

You don’t.

"Remember when Jacob showed up disheveled at our wedding wanting to dance with you? What a lame-o!"

You want him to just do the mature thing and not show up at all. To call or email Bella saying he won’t be able to make it and he’s truly sorry, but he’s just not up for it. He wishes her and Edward all the best and hopes that they can stay friends moving forward. (And to give him a call when her demon fetus comes of age, so that he can finally get laid.) You don’t want him to make some covert just-off-to-the-side-of-the-dance-floor appearance to say his piece before fursploding off into the woods!  Talk about an overreaction to the water for elephant in the room!

The reality is, you want to be a happy occasion that everyone remembers fondly as being fun and pleasant. Sure there’s always the ‘problem person’ (one of my groom’s party members showed up to the ceremony completely wasted. It was…lovely), but if you had the choice of having that or not, do you really want that?

You don’t. You just don’t.

With Kind Regards,
Team Seth

ps-Do you think they’ll play a modified version of White Wedding that says “It’s a nice day for a pale wedding!” ?? (fingers crossed!)

pps-Mr. Seth always say “grubby little hands”, that’s why I threw it in there. Not because Jacob’s massive sexy lingering hands are grubby. Ahem. DH shout out! (teehee, I said DH)

ppps-It’s good to be back! (Said in my Damon voice, as heard in every single “Previously on the Vampire Diaries” from season 1)

Congrats on the new husband, Team Seth!! May your first year of marriage NOT include a baby that eats you from the inside out!!

Team Seth makes some great points…Jacob kinda RUINS the moment there…. I mean… not gonna complain when I see it on screen. Pretty sure I’m going to cry…. What about you??? Did your or does your dream wedding include “Interruption by ex/boy that COULD have been?”

OOPS: Last week, like an idiot, I said if you want to join us for an LTT part in LA in a few weeks (specifically Sunday 11/13) E-mail Us and included the email address for my work. TWICE. So, no- a hot tub company is not looking to throw a Twilight party in a few weeks, but WE are.. so E-mail Us if you’re interested!

REMINDER: Hate the ads? Press MUTE (the volume button) in 4 places. There ya go! All fixed.

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

82 Commented


“Is Edward Gay?” And other things Guys say about Twilight…

I’m back from a business trip to Kansas City (Did I even tell you I was gone?) and Operarose shares a hilarious story with us today!

Breaking Dawn Letters To twilightDear Breaking Dawn,

My husband is perhaps the only person in the universe who does not know what’s between your covers. I know you might be surprised that there’s someone out there whose heart isn’t palpitating in anticipation of the impending magicness of the Robst-I mean, Bella and Edward wedding and subsequent deflowering that results in a precious birth scene followed by the “Sequence In Which Taylor Lautner’s Career Will Likely End,” but as a PhD student in industrial engineering, Mr. Operarose is far more likely to have his nose buried in a book on Pierce-Smith Converting than the tale on Bella Converting into an Anorexic Vampire.

That’s not to say he’s a complete Twilight virgin. Mr. Operarose was introduced to Twiworld back in 2009, accompanying me to New Moon when the only people in the world I felt “safe” seeing it with were busy. To my shock, a few days later he requested to watch Twilight and later insisted we go see Eclipse together in theaters.

Although he’s far from being a unicorn, it’s safe to say that he’s interested in seeing this Twilight experience through. So, it’s a given that we’re going to see Breaking Dawn together in November. However, he has not yet seen the Breaking Dawn Part 1 trailer and I have never told him what happens in the book. Over dinner tonight, I confessed that I wasn’t looking forward to the movie this time around. Naturally, he wondered why.

“There’s a part in it that not a lot of us are looking forward to,” I said (and by us, he knew who I meant because I’ve told him about LTT) “It’s not going to translate well on-screen.”

Mr. Operarose pushed me further.

“What is it? Does Edward turn out to be gay”

As if I hadn’t heard that one before.

Breaking Dawn White Trash

Bet Mr. Operarose will NEVER guess this one

I decided to have a little fun and see if he could really guess the outcome. He’d successfully guessed the major points of the ending of the Harry Potter series before the release of Deathly Hallows Pt. 1&2, despite having never read the books. But it’s one thing to determine that Snape is good, quite another thing to predict the birth of Renesmee.

He took up the challenge, and grew serious. “I think the Volturi want Edward and Edward is going to consider joining them.”

Not a bad guess – and not a bad plot idea. “You’re sort of on to something,” I said. “That’s a little bit of part of the story, but not the main thing most of us are concerned about. There’s something major that happens to Bella and Edward.”

I told him they got married and honeymoon in Brazil.

“So something happens in Brazil,” he said.

“Yes.”

“Is Bella kidnapped by Columbian drug dealers?” he joked.

I shook my head. “I wish.”

I said Jacob would still be a big part of the story and gets a happy ending despite not having ended up with Bella.

“He ends up falling in love! So Jacob gets himself a little girlfriend,” he mused.

“Little being the key word.” I was getting worried, suddenly, not so sure I want to get into it after all. Thoughts of sippy cup blood and Chris Hansen chasing after Jacob were ruining my perfectly good macaroni and cheese dinner.

“A magical creature?” he continued.

“Sort of…”

“Jacob is gay!”

There it is again, universal straight male “I don’t know what to say” reaction to anything Twilight.

“A little GIRL friend is more accurate,” I said, trying to steer him back on course.

He starts to get really off track then, going on about how on their honeymoon, Edward will come over to where we are living now (which happens to be in South America, not too far from Brazil) and I will fight Bella for Edward. Before the conversation goes way off into a territory which usually involves me mud wrestling Bella (it may or may not have gone there before), I recap, and let him know that Jacob’s story gets brought in LATER, after SOMETHING happens to Bella and Edward on their honeymoon.

Jacob Black and Renesmee

Yep. This is about right

“Jacob falls in love with a vampire?”

“Pretty close.”

“But he falls in love with something much smaller? That’s bad.”

He’s so astute. “You have no idea,” I tell him.

“Is it a bird? A ghost? An Ewok? A short hunchback that is bald?”

“That may have been much better, for on-screen purposes at least…”

“So it’s not quite a vampire, it’s much smaller. Is it a bat?” He asks, joking again.

By then I felt a bit like an anthropologist, studying what people predicted would happen to Bella and Edward “BBD” (Before Breaking Dawn).” If Mr. Operarose, who is normally incredibly observant and extremely intelligent, can’t predict the absurdity that is Renesmee, then I decided that I should probably just let it be a surprise for him in November.

Besides, I realized just in time that I maybe shouldn’t risk him deciding not to go with me to Breaking Dawn. I don’t have anyone else to see it with (my social circle is small since we just moved here, and I’d rather not risk making it smaller by coming out of the Twicloset).

Breaking Dawn Scares meTo conclude our conversation aka my “BBD anthropology” research, I asked him how he wanted Bella and Edward’s story to end.

“I’d like it if we saw Edward trying to react to the Volturi’s attempts to take him in. It should be revealed that the Volturi are in conflict with a group of vampires who are challenging their power in the vampire world. The rival group should rise up and then there would be a Cold War situation between them.”

Duly impressed, I told him that he might just like Breaking Dawn after all… part 2, that is.

-Operarose

Have you had to explain the err more interesting parts of Breaking Dawn to a guy? I’m pretty sure I STILL haven’t told Mr. Choice what happens!

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

68 Commented


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