On the heels of a the season finale of Dexter last night I got to thinking about sad endings and how no one’s immune to them even vampires and werewolves and their human friends. We all know how the Twilight saga ends and whether Bella ends up with who you want or how it all happens it’s not without it’s sad moments much like Dexter. He loses her
Jacob and Bella – *sigh* I know most of you ladies are Team Edward but can we please have a moment for what could have been for Bella and Jacob. If it wasn’t for that blasted Mercedes in the rear view mirror and maybe a few more months they could have ended up together in a relationship that started as friends and grew to much more. I think I *sigh* for Jacob because we’ve all been the second choice at some point and that’s painful. We know the outcome is for the best but it doesn’t make it any less of a sad ending.
Edward leaves Bella – duh.
They're NOT bears... or happy endings
Harry Clearwater dies – While Bella’s off being an emo teenager and cliff jumping for attention poor Harry Clearwater is having a fat heart attack which leaves Sue without a husband (cue Charlie), Charlie without a BFF and Leah and Seth without a Dad not to mention the tribe without one of it’s leaders. But really no kid should lose their parent especially when they’re going through crazy stuff like turning into a werewolf because of their anger control issues and not to mention a little something called the werewolf gene. We love ya Clearwater family!
The Leah, Sam and Emily love triangle – What a mess this one is. Thanks a lot to the magic of imprinting Leah loses her boyfriend to HER COUSIN (oh no she’s DIDN’T!) and Emily gets her face all mangled because Sam didn’t know WTF was happening to him. THEN Leah is forced to run patrols around the Cullen house in a cruel twist of fate Leah becomes a werewolf herself and has to hear ALL of Sam’s dirty boy thoughts about Emily AND THEN because Jacob refuses to leave Bella and eventually Renesmee she has to run what seems like 50 chapters worth of patrols around the Cullen house meaning she has to eat rare meat. OH THE HUMANITY!
Obviously these girls lost a bet
Mike Newton – No one’s Team Mike Newton, even though he could get your 15% off on those rad hiking boots at Newton Outfitters. Let’s all have a moment for Mike. We’ve definitely all been the Jacob where it just didn’t work out but what about never even leaving the bench.
And of course, poor Buttcrack Santa. The guy seemed like a recovering alcoholic who loved bringing joy to Children in the Forks area during Christmas and how is he repaid? By getting offed in the the dingy boat marina by some bored nomadic vampires with meth face (James).
Charlie and Renee – We’ll never know what really happened with Charlie and Renee since this isn’t their story but we do know it’s tragic that Charlie would lose his daughter to a flaky Mom who got bored of living in Forks. Sure, it’s not the glamourous metropolis that Phoenix, Arizona is but you’re married to the copstache, the built in Halloween costume possibilities are reason enough to stay. Let alone your DAUGHTER.
Oh sad moments… you make me sadder. But that’s part of the charm of Twilight and why we love it, right? Who can’t identify with sad moments? As for that Dexter finale???? EPIC SAD FACE.
What other sad moments did I miss? Did you watch the Dexter finale? Will you hold me?
So….Eclipse? Did you watch it? I am well-aware that Eclipse didn’t release this weekend everywhere in the world and that just sucks. Seriously, move to America. Not only do you not have Thanksgiving & you have to like soccer but you don’t even get movies at the same time we do! Not-Cool-rest of the world! (No really, stay in your country. I’m sure it’s great, I WISH more people liked soccer, and I’d really like to visit you in your country).
Anyway, I watched Eclipse at 9 pm Saturday night with @Brookelockart & pals. Let me set the scene: Fishtown Pennsylvania: I park under a bridge, think I’m gonna die but survive my 2 block walk to Brooke’s new house. I almost catch my scarf on fire making my world-famous stove-top popcorn, then I almost kill us with heart attacks using an entire ocean-filled with salt on my world-famous popcorn. Oops. But the time comes and we pop in the DVD (after figuring out how to use the DVD & watching Comcast On Demand Eclipse Extras in HD where Edward looks more like a dying ghost instead of a hot vampire because his make-up is so white). We watch the first 15 mintues. Then stop & re-start the first 15 minutes because some more people decided to join (semi-Twi virgins, which was HILARIOUS to experience with)
I’ll be honest, I wasn’t much looking forward to the movie. I don’t really know why- I just don’t think I was in a Twi-mood. But as soon as the drum kick sounded & the line “An innocent child in new orleans” sung by the Black Keys came through the TV speakers, I remembered…. and got the butterflies inside. It was interesting that I didn’t think about the 2nd time I saw the movie with my Philly Twi pals- no… it was the first Eclipse experience. I remember sitting next to Moon, squeezing her hand in anticipation.. and that first “Oh heyyyyyy” Moon said when Riley appeared on screen. Dang I forgot how hot that kid was but Oh Heyyyyy, Xavier, still!
(Oh, yes: You’re welcome)
But let’s recap what Moon & I thought about Eclipse almost 6 months ago when we penned you a letter at 4:30 am and see if our thoughts still stick. I just re-read Oh heyyyy we just saw Eclipse” and had a big chuckle. Which generally means it’s only funny to me! But overall, I thought or said out loud some of the exact same thoughts Saturday Night without remembering I had said them before. Here I thought I was being original when it turns out I was just ripping off myself from 6 months ago:
Original Thought: “Let’s talk about how we love Howard Shore for including the Sia & Metric songs throughout his score.”
Yes. I still love that. I haven’t listened to the Eclipse soundtrack for awhile (but New Moon has been playing daily in my office again!) so it all seemed new to me again! And when Edward was working Bella up only to let her down BIG TIME, I remembered the Sia song that was building up in the background- and then during the Leg hitch it explodes into beautifulness (the explosion is music beautifulness, much to Bella’s dismay) At which point I leaned over to Brookelockart and whispered “You know what? Edward could just go down on her & it would be fine. Win Win” Then we had a conversation entirely too inappropriate to share.
And DUDE where are all the Twilight fans with way too much time on their hands ripping these legit Eclipse scenes to You Tube for our viewing pleasure this weekend? Sorry for this crappy quality of an illegal video:
The score has always been lacking in my mind- Mr. Choice (a music composer himself) has always been a bit confused as to what exactly happened there- because we’re pretty sure that’s not the original score Howard Shore wrote- but the use of Metric & Sia throughout the entire theme is beautiful.
Original thought “Let’s apologize to Edward for liking the Jacob & Bella kiss a litttttle bit too much”
Hmmmm….. I remember thinking even then that Taycob needs to calm down the head movements, but it was WAY distracting this time. I know for awhile there it seemed like I was riding the “Team Jacob” line, and I’m not sure where my head was, but I’m definitely back on Edward’s side. So I think I was just too pissed to enjoy Bella’s lucky day- with two boys who want her. PLUS the Twi-virgins we were with (who were ALL ABOUT Jacob- evidenced by the “oh shitttttss” that were moaned every time he appeared with his shirt off) REALLY couldn’t stand Bella’s wishy-washy-ness. Maybe it’s been so long since I’ve read the books & gotten so annoyed with Bella that I forgot. But I was reminded during that scene. And was thinking too strongly that “Bella’s a Bitch” to enjoy the kiss.
Original Thought “Let’s get Jake some blotting tissues for that last scene when he looks like he’s dying of yellow fever.”
Dude! I already used that Yellow Fever joke!? I seriously thought the same thing Saturday night and planned to use it again today. I get it- he’s in pain- he’s sick- but dudeeeee. At least let Bella wipe him down a bit. I felt like I was looking at “The Situation” after he fell asleep in the tanning bed & stayed in for an hour or two too long (new joke- boom)
Original Thought “Let’s put a call into L.A. Looks, and after thanking them for sponsoring Twilight with their donations of tubs of hair gel, ask them to move some of the allotted product for Taylor & pass it on to Rob to fix his floppy bangs.”
Move over L.A. Looks
I was getting a D.E.P. vibe Saturday night. And I think I was so happy to see Rob for an extended period of time without a big bushy beard & maintained sideburns (sorta) that I didn’t mind the floppy bangs! I’ll take what I can get!
Original Thought “Let’s close our eyes and picture OURSELVES as Bella in a world where the guy on the bed is so hot that the gold brocade bedding he’s laying on doesn’t even matter.”
I mean…. can gold brocade ever not really matter? If Chuck Bass, Damon Salvatore & Edward Cullen wanted to have a foursome, but the condition was that it had to be on gold brocade bedding, I’d really try to convince them to pull out that air mattress they keep in the closet at the Salvatore mansion for when unexpected Vamp visitors swing by. Or see if we can borrow Rob Pattinson’s Hot Pocket Fort.
Original Thought“Let’s be grateful that most of the Bella/Edward getting-it-on scenes didn’t make us feel like we were watching Robsten preparing for an evening of licking cheese-whiz off each other”
I know! I mean, I’d say that none of the scenes made me feel that way this time. And I was worried- I mean, we’ve had Moantreal since Eclipse came out. But I got no Robsteny-vibes. I still think the Bella/Edward dialogue is semi-awkward with these long, drawn-out pauses in the beginning, but it picks up as it goes on.
Original thought “Let’s talk about when we can burn down the jewelry store that created Bella’s engagement ring.”
THIS! Why have we not planned an LTT arson-day yet? I think one of the Twi-virgins’ exact words were “What the hell is that thing?”
We don’t know, Twi virgin. It’s either a cheese grater for when they make “Italiano” or is a rock powerful enough to kill all the Cullen men with one blow. The jury is still out on that one.
And there is no original thought to accompany this one but JORTS!. I think it’s because I know that Stephenie mentions it in the commentary that I was looking out for how often they are worn, but DANG! They are EVERYWHERE. I like to think LTT can take some credit for that since we “Have much love for Jorts” or however Stephenie phrased it in the commentary (again- DUDE with the Twilight fans with a lot of extra time! Where is your screen shot transcription of the entire commentary!?) But sadly, no, we did not come up with the term. We have to thank the hipster neighborhoods both Moon & I reside in in Philadelphia & Los Angeles and the rednecks from which the hipsters stole their jorts-look.
All-in-all, my thoughts didn’t change much from my original viewing back in June. But I enjoyed this time around much more than expected. My only complaint is that they still weren’t able to figure out a way to keep Riley alive. Who cares about book to movie continuity? We want Xavier Samuel to stare at!!
What did you think? Did you watch the movie with some pals this weekend? Did you love it more or less than when you saw it months ago? Any new thoughts come to mind? Any new ah-ha moments or lines that were funny THIS time around!??
I get a lot of people whom I refer to as “civilians” ask me what you are. “What’s this Twilight thing about?” they say. Seems like a simple enough question, right? But I’d say it’s isn’t so simple. How do you even begin to explain the intricacies and the idiosyncrasies and the “holy crow’s?” With this new series I aim to explain Twilight to beginners and give your fans an easier way to share their love of all things sparkly vampires and the humans they love.
And with that I get you the first installment in Twilight 101: Twilight (the book)
Dear Twilight Newbie-
You may know this as that book with the apple on the cover that made grown women go crazy, your wife disappear for hours on end, your internet bill surge and teens declare sides in the Team Edward vs Team Jacob war that will play out over the following 3 books and subsequent films. Or you may know it as that mega Times best seller than spawned major block buster movies. Or you may know it as that book with the sprarkly vampires. But what’s this book REALLY about? I’m here to share…
Bella, the stumbling accident-prone mousey girl from Phoenix, Arizona moves to Forks, Washington to live with her Dad (coincidentally the town’s Police Chief) because her absentee Mom has married a stud minor league baseball player she met after a spring training game at a TGIFridays and now wants to travel the farm league circuit with him to glamorous places like: Jacksonville, Florida. So Bella takes the hint and moves in with dear, old oblivious Dad: Charlie. Then hijinks ensue. Thinking she’s doomed to live a deary, boring life in Forks, Bella is surprised to find herself the talk of the high school from the nerds to the jocks. But being a girl Bella isn’t interested in safe, boring people who are interested in HER. She can only think about the mysterious boy from biology class and his weird adoptive yet not related beautiful siblings who oddly enough never go to school on sunny days. But never mind the underlying danger… everything about him draws HER in!
So who are these people you ask…
Stop trying to make fetch happen!
Bella and her school friends and unintended (heh) suitors make up the majority of the sleepy and oblivious unsuspecting town. They include school heartthrob Mike Newton whom Bella describes as a golden retriever and whom mostly reminds us of a Jonas Brother with blond hair or Kirk Cameron AFTER he found Jesus. Pretty much the guy no girl with Daria-like tendencies would want to go out with. In a million-gabillion years. Then there are the girlfriends like Angela. Pretty much that sweet girl who was nice to everyone and befriended the new girl even when she was the flavor of the week who stole all the boys from the girls who has put in hard time. Then we have the “Mean Girls…” Jessica Stanley and Lauren Mallory, who combined are essentially the Regina George of Forks High School to Bella’s Cady Heron. These are the bitches who could be your best friend or worst enemy depending on the day.
Just your typical neighbor in the Pacific Northwest
These aren’t your Grandma’s traditional vamps or your Anne Rice vamps or your bodice ripping (we wish) vamps. The Cullen family are the Brady Bunch of the Stephenie Meyer vampire world. Sure, they have their dark and tortured pasts but they’ve given all that up in exchange for a few years in rainy weather towns surviving on, what they refer to as, “a vegetarian diet.” Meaning they don’t take a little sip from humans anymore. They hunt down animals and make a bloody mary cocktail that will last them a few weeks, thus making it easier to sit through their 2394294th time as a high schooler. Monotonous you say? Why, yes. Yes it is. And that’s where we find out sparkly protagonist, Edward when he first encounters Bella in Biology class. And barely able to control himself runs out of class to save her and himself and not to mention the 30 other kids in the class from certain death. But of course like a typical dude, Edward is taken by the new girl just as much as Bella, being a total girl is intrigued and pissed off by the mysterious boy. And as they say the rest is history.
Like I said these aren’t your typical vampires, Stephenie Meyer has given her vamps all kinds of special characteristics that set them apart and leave her readers with difficult situations like trying to explain to a vampire lover or even a regular dude why vampires sparkle. And yes, they do sparkle. Why? well who really knows other than it’s a plot device used to differentiate them in the sunlight instead of bursting into flames in like old school vamps. Rather these guys look more like a diamonte choker from the Joan Collins for QVS jewelry collection in the sun.
They also have special powers: mind reading, mood altering, future telling, extreme sexiness and the ability to ‘glower’ at a moments notice. They also appear to have super human control over sexual temptation because there’s enough tension in this book it leaves the Twimoms (we’ll cover them eventually) and the tweens quivering (ew) for years. You wanna know why girls disappeared into their rooms for days on end reading these books? THAT is your answer. That sweet, delicious tension. And his name is Edward Cullen.
See, I told you so!
“And so the lion fell in love with the lamb” – THE Twilight quote. Suitable for Etsy crafts, regrettabletattoos and quoting to your resigned boyfriend
“About three things I was absolutely positive. First, Edward was a vampire. Second, there was a part of him-and I didn’t know how potent that part might be-that thirsted for my blood. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him..” – Teaching teens and grown ups alike the word “irrevocable”
“You are exactly my brand of heroin” – Stephenie Meyer’s pro-drug PSA. High Schoolers need more excuses to think up new and exciting non-traditional drugs. A hit of your girlfriends blood? Why not!
“Holy Crow” – aka OHHHH SSSHHHEEEEETTT!
Follow the cut for more on the villians, the conflict and some business time Continue…
Call us matchmakers, call us comedians, call us heroes, call us all of the above, we’ll take whatever you call us (as long as it’s not “Krisbian” ba-dum-ching), but our favorite “role” on LTT is one of enabler- that’s right, even though you wrote a letter for LTT submission back in May or June and haven’t heard back from us yet (because that’s how far behind we are on emails- Summer emailing #fail), we LOVE when you catch the LTT letter-writing spirit & send us the goods. We love that you’ve wasted as much time as we have doing “normal” things like stalking obscure members of the Twilight cast, watching countless fan-made videos & laughing your ass off at 2nd embarrassing people, things and events. And we love when you meet an LTT BFF, start up a blog & share your amazingness with everyone here.
That’s exactly what LTT friends Stacey & Stacey (who met on LTT) did. Today, on Stacey vs. Stacey, they delve into a rarely discussed topic- Jacob & his furry friends:
Vampires, vampires, vampires. It’s like the Supe version of the Brady Bunch. Instead of Marcia and Jan, it’s Edward and Jacob or Bill and Alcide. I can just hear Jacob say, “Edward, Edward, Edward!” Stomps his feet and goes off to pout. These poor puppies get absolutely no play, well a little bit but not like the vamps. So we, the Staceys thought to ourselves, hey let’s help these boys out and give them a say. Taking a page from Anne Rice’s Interview with the Vampire, we will be doing (fake) sit downs with the boys in two parts. First for our LTT friends, we will dive deep (very deep) into the Quilute Wolf pack. Part 2 on [our blog] Talksupe will focus on our furry friends featured on True Blood and Vampire Diaries. These are our transcribed notes: Location 1: Picnic Area. La Push Beach, Forks, Washington
EastCoast Stacey (aka EC): Brrr…it’s chilly out here.
WestCoast Stacey (Snowwhitedrifted aka SWD): No wonder Bella is always in flannel. EC: Where the hell are your shirts? It’s like 40 degrees out here * background grumbles *
I get that you’re hot, but seriously it’s just polite to put on clothes when women are around.
SWD: No kidding, hey I think I see “Twin Peaks”. *snickers* EC: First question, it doesn’t seem to hurt you when you phase. How does it feel? Jacob: Did you bring food? EC: Umm…no…Let me check in my bag. Half a bag of Skittles, some Altoids…oh, a Ziploc bag full of GOLDFISH crackers. There you go boys.
SWD:*thinks* that’s such the mom purse snack selection
EC: Hi Leah. *Leah walks off briskly with snacks* Where is she going with the Goldfish?
Paul: Stealing them. Girl, you better bring those back.
EC: Wait…why isn’t Leah wearing a shirt either? Is this a nudist colony?
SWD: Like I said above… EC: Alright…back to my question. Is this phasing thing actually painless? I watch George on BBC America’s BEING HUMAN and it looks like it hurts! (Honestly, check it out people! The British do it best!)
Jacob: That’s a British Show. I hate British guys. They’re skinny, pale, dress like girls, steal your women… Nope, haven’t seen it. I like watching SPEED and ESPN. SWD:*says under breath* … and of course the NatGeo channel. EC: Jacob, I need to ask you about this imprint thing.
*Embry and Jared giggle * EC: Oh. Hi there, Jared. How you doin’? Sam: No. If you remember, we signed a contract that you would not ask about Bella’s baby. That question is off the table. EC: Are you a lawyer, now?
SWD: It’s cool, Stace, J.Jenks gave us the go ahead.
EC: Fine. Good try, Sam. Just calm down. We know what happens when wolf out inappropriately. You know…Emily. I have Charlie’s number on speed dial. Quil? You and the two-year old? Claire? Quil: Umm…Yeah. EC: If it was my daughter, I would have a baseball bat with your name on it. SWD: no kidding.. or scissors.. snip snip.
Quil: I can see that. Do you ladies have boyfriends? EC: What? We’re both married, to men who wear shirts.
SWD: I make mine wear a black tee so he looks like… nevermind. EC: Somedays, I make mine wear his gray peacoat. I tell him it makes him look preppy, but really he looks like Ed… Jacob: Seriously?!? * growls * Quil: Well Claire and I will be married in sixteen years. I need some companionship. You two are MILFS, and I can tell you like the pecs. *wiggles them*, I’m a vir…never mind. SWD: I don’t teach.
*Embry and Jared giggle * EC: Hi Jared! * throws Skittle on the ground * Could you bend over and pick up for me? Seth: Guys I’ve got to go. My mom just texted me. I have to cut the ribbon to the new Fish Fry on Route 55. Can somebody take me? *scuffs foot sadly* ….or I could hitch hike. Paul: Hitch hike.
EC: Never mind we’ll take him. Mean puppies.
SWD: I have a carseat.
EastCoast & WestCoast: Staceys
Even though it still takes us forever to respond, we STILL love your letter submissions! Keep sending them in! And make sure to check out the Stacey’s Talk Supe especially in the next few days so you don’t miss Part TWO of the interview!
(Today Stacey – Snowwhitedrifted or West Coast (WC) and Stacey East Coast (EC) take on the VILF’s we’d love to marry, hit it or just stare at and why they’re so alluring. – moon)
Goose and Maverick the Edward and Jasper of the 80s
Dear VILFS of Twilight (and other series),
In the eighties it was surfers and beach volleyball players. In the nineties it was athletes and firemen. The new millennium, however, boasts vampires as the most coveted object of desire for the female gender. Vampire sex appeal is at an all time high. I think this is partially due to the monster success of Twilight as well as some other factors.
EC Stacey: Wait. Are we getting serious here? The tweed kind of serious. Let me throw on these Kate Spade glasses. Alice approved, ya’ll. Hold on wearing an old David Letterman tee-shirt and Yoga pants, must change into designer…never mind. At least I got the glasses. Okay, Stacey (SWD) commence with your thoughts.
WC Stacey/ SWD: Many people claim that the vampire-ness of Twilight is insignificant and it’s totally a love story. Sure, the Cullens are like the passivist emo-hippies of the vamp world, but they still kick ass, nonetheless.
EC Stacey: Ha ha! I want them to wear tie dyed clothes and beads. Actually, do you think Carlisle and Esme got so sad after the Eclipse fight scene that they wanted to cry, but can’t. So they went back to Casa Carlisle and got all emo listening to Morrisey? Whoops! Got off track. Sexy vampire boys, yay!
Rob and Moz - My wildest fantasies realized! Thanks Fablife!
WC Stacey/ SWD: Morrisey, for the WIN, ha ha ha! I wouldn’t have liked it as much without the vampire aspect. You see, I have been a VILF shipper since I was a kid (duh, the Count (ECStacey: Grover, definitely Grover. Monster. Grr.) was my favorite Seasame Street character), so it was no wonder that Edward (and Carlisle, Jasper, Emmett, James, hell even Aro) glamoured the pants off of me. I think this is true for a lot of women. When we break down the characteristics of a vampire, it’s no wonder we offer our necks (ok, and lady bits) willingly.
EC Stacey: Let me get this straight, Aro? I love the Michael Sheen, as much as everybody in the whole world. But Aro? If you said Alec, maybe. Even a creeptastic girl crush on Jane. I want to see that bottle of wine you are drinking. As expected, wine goggles. SWD: OK, note to self, wine in a box enhances wine goggles. If I were drinking “Bitch” wine maybe I’d go fake lesbian for Alice
What Rob's cheek bone structure looks like
WC Stacey/ SWD: Lets start with the fact that Vampires are HOT, well cold actually, but in the looks department they are always stunning. I think every actor born with incredible checkbones signs a deal with the devil to one day play a vampire. Seriously, you could grate cheese on Robs cheekbones (*note to someone, please make that as dirty as possible in the comments).
EC Stacey: Ahh…Rob’s cheekbones… Back on track. I don’t want to leave out the wolves/shifters for you wolfpackers. This might be hard to believe my friends, due to the fact I have a Sophie’s Choice type of love for both Twilight’s Edward and Vampire Diaries Damon. (And yes, I voted for BOTH of them in EW’s Sexy Beast poll. Don’t you judge me.) Originally, I loved the wolf. Seth Green’s OZ on Buffy the Vampire Slayer was my first true supe love. I even married his younger twin. Of course, he’s an accountant and not a rocking guitar player, but I can pretend. SWD: I married Fletch, he has no powers. Also, have you seen Alcide and Sam on True Blood? Nice. Twilight? Jacob’s a buff baby. Okay, Paul’s hot.
WC Stacey/ SWD: So yes, Vampires and Werewolves are beautiful. See exhibit A: (slide show mildly NSFW, mostly because it’s both hands embarrassing)
(moon note – the fact you made this kills me. LOVE and 1:50!)
Follow the cut for the rest of the deconstruction and to find out why we really like the bad boy VILFS Continue…