Twilosophy – Emmett & Rosalie – just the muscle of the Cullen Family or so much more?

Dear Twilight,

I’ve been thinking… on the heels of the whole cell phone post I’ve been going back to the basics of Twilight… some Twilight origins posts if you will. So today we pose the question: do Emmett and Rosalie feel worthless since they have no special powers like the others? Edward can read minds, Alice can see the future, Jasper can change and effect moods, Bella has the crazy mind shield thing, Carlisle has a super vampire resistance to blood and well Esme… she’s married to him so she’s ok.

Hey guys, does anyone need their car fixed? Or maybe a log moved?

But what about poor Rosalie and Emmett… are they just the muscle of the Cullen family? Hauling logs before the wedding. Chasing after James. Keeping the cars maintained and installing stereos. Basically Emmett and Rosalie are the ex Best Buy employees the Cullens agreed to let live with them just because they’re handy around the house. Maybe this is why Rosalie is really so sully… after all these years she’s tired of the rest of the Cullens reading her mind or predicting her future or just plain out doing her. It really has nothing to do with the fact that Carlisle made her into a vampire when she was dying… and really talk about ungrateful.

Imagine if Em and Rose ever showed up in Voltera… Aro would be like “wait, who are you guys? Oh the Cullen’s hired help…. Yea well good luck with whatever… we don’t have any openings right now but we’ll keep you in mind.” Ya know the old don’t call us we’ll call you routine.

Let me get my wig on straight first THEN I'll tell you what I think

I posed the question to a few friends as we sat around talking with New Moon playing in the background… cause that’s something we do on a Sunday afternoon in LA. Right. One friend said isn’t Rosalie’s power being really beautiful? Um, while I’m sure that statement is more loaded and requires a totally different post that I can tackle today, I’m going to go with a NO. Her beauty has never gotten them out of a jam (or into one) the way say Alice’s power to see the future has. But maybe it’s her ability to be both lioness/mama bear while being vulnerable and able to tell the truth? If anyone’s the first to speak the truth, it’s Rosalie Hale. You wanna know if Rosalie thinks this whole Bella as Edward’s girlfriend is a good idea? Rosalie’s gonna tell you. You pondering major life decisions like whether to become a vampire or stay a fragile, killable human? Rosalie’s gonna tell you. You wanna know why your boyfriend’s “sister” resents your presence in her family? Rosalie’s gonna tell you.

Don't worry Edward, Emmett got this!

Then we talked about how Emmett was super strong but that’s not really a super power because they’re vampires, they’re all really strong. One friend also pointed out that Emmett is such a dope he probably doesn’t even know he’s not super special like Edward or Alice. But what about his courage? Is Emmett the reverse cowardly lion of the Cullen’s? It seems like anytime the shit goes down, Emmett is the first to jump in the mix and really that’s pretty invaluable in the grand scheme of life. Tracker going after Bella? Emmett’s got this. Werewolves out to attack the Cullen’s? Emmett’s got this. Carlisle needs to go feed before Bella gives birth and the Werewvoles need distracting? Emmett’s got this. Victoria on the lose and needs hunting down? Emmett’s got this. Bella needs to test her newborn vampy strengths? Emmett’s got this.

So really, I guess those ARE their super powers… they may not be as obvious as the rest of the Cullen’s but when a situation is gettin’ REAL real I want Emmett and Rosalie there… who else could reluctantly rub up on a tree in your jacket and make it look sexy?

We got this!
Themoonisdown

Have you ever thought about that? Did SMeyer just run out of ideas for Emmett and Rosalie or was it all part of the plan?

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64 Commented


Buttcrack Santa Gifts

Dear LTTers-

Have you noticed that this year it is getting harder and harder to find Buttcrack Santa gifts? I was at Hot Topic the other day (a sentence I never thought I would ever say OR think OR type!), trying to find the perfect Buttcrack Santa gift for my sister and I kept coming up with dead ends! There was just nothing I felt was worth dishing out $30 or even $14.99 for! Good Twilight gifts are becoming harder and harder to find!

Buttcrack Santa first made his appearance at Christmas of 2009. Being avid LTT readers, my sister and I both got the giggles (yes we are 26 and 29 and we still get the giggles) when she found one of “those little bottles” in her stocking with a tag “To: Team Seth, Love: Buttcrack Santa.” Our parents and husbands stared at us blankly, waiting for an explanation. There really wasn’t a good one. We both looked at each other, turned to our judgemental group and said “its a Twilight thing, you wouldn’t understand.” And with that, the Buttcrack Santa tradition was born.

But, Buttcrack Santa gifts aren’t just for the winter holidays! This special breed of Santa can make an appearance any time of year. Buttcrack Santa made an appearance in June, right before Eclipse came out and delivered me a wonderful Eclipse watching package- complete with LTT shirt, my own jorts, a replica Bella ring and other Twilight nic-nacs! Then, last Christmas I received a wonderful “Team Jacob” t-shirt, which from the looks of the orange price tag, Santa got a very good deal on!

Unfortunately, BCS was too drunk to remember my sister’s gift last year. So this year, I am bound and determined to find the best possible BCS gift for her. This search has been hard though! The stores aren’t stocking Twilight stickers, candy and key chains like they used to! Even Barnes and Noble let me down. So, my quest drove me to the Internet, where I found some real gems.

For example, did you know that for a mere $39.99 you could be a proud owner of this set of sparkling Twilight title themed Christmas ornaments?

Or, if Breaking Dawn was your favorite, you could receive these “honeymoon” themed ornaments from Buttcrack Santa this year! Now, these seem pretty easy to make, but I couldn’t quite bring myself to go to the craft store and buy a bag of fake white feathers, so my search continued.

Buttcrack Santa gifts don’t have to be holiday themed either! In fact, they are better if they are something you can use year round- like a bracelet or other fun item for your house. A good bracelet at Hot Topic can cost you anywhere upedward (see what I did there?) of $14.99, but on etsy you can find so many other varieties! Like this “Edward” handmade beaded bracelet!

Or this replica of Bella’s graduation present!

I prefer my BCS gifts to be a little more subtle however, which is why I bypassed all the wonderful creations on etsy and hopped on over to my local 5 Below. This was my last ditch effort to find the perfect Twilight gift before I hit up Michael’s to buy some feathers and a silver paint pen. Thankfully I hit the very small jackpot there, but I can’t share what I bought or Team Seth will know her gift ahead of time! I will say this: the gift is a small token of Twilight love and vampire appreciation and cost below $5 (hence the name) which is absolutely perfect for BCS’s budget. These gifts don’t have to be big or expensive, just something to give us a little reminder of the joint love of something that gave us many laughs and good times together and some great inside jokes. Buttcrack Santa is the little bit of Twilight holiday spirit in all of us LTTers.

I hope the spirit of Buttcrack Santa has inspired all of you to start your own BCS gift exchange! And although good Twilight gifts are becoming fewer and farther between, I can only hope this tradition with my sister continues for years to come!

Happy Holidays and Little Bottles to All and to all a good night!
-“Rachel B”

Rachel is right! We used to find SO many GREAT (ahem) “Buttcrack Santa” gifts every year- Etsy was FULL of the best, and now…. they are SO few & far between! I mean, there is the “Harry’s World Famous Fish Fry” Moon sent me for our 3 year anniversary (for real), but nothing Buttcrack Santa would REALLY be proud of. Have YOU seen anything?

You know who sells the PERFECT “Buttcrack Santa” gifts? (I bet you’ll never guess) We do. In the LTT/LTR Store. Stock up for the Holidays. All of them!

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43 Commented


Breaking Down Breaking Dawn Vanity Fair Style

Reminder note: There are THREE auto-playing video ads- two in the side, one ALL the way below. Hit the volume button ONCE & it should mute them for eternity. 

Dear Breaking Dawn,

It’s been TWO WEEKS since you came out to the public & we’ve sighed with you, cried with you, fell in love with you, been jealous of your immense wealth and now… well, it’s time to laugh at you. No, this isn’t a Break Down of the entire movie.. we do have lives, but it is a break down of some of our most favorite parts! Someone give Billy Burke & Anna Kendrick an Oscar already!

Watch out! Anna is about to kill it

UC: Moon. It’s been two weeks. And I gotta be honest.. we were in a “Breaking Dawn was SO GOOD (as compared to the other movies” haze for awhile there…. How are you feeling? I mean how are WE feeling, since we’re the same person usually except you have better hair? And I love cats more
Moon: HA. my one quality. Its been a week and some change, I’ve seen it 3 times and I gotta say I’m still feeling good about it
UC: Me too
Moon: it’s held up every time and each time I found something different to like… and also some things that made me go HUH?! cause it wouldn’t be a twilight movie without a few things we laughed at
UC: it would be SAD if we didn’t laugh I’d quit probably!!! Hear that movie makers (aka Stephenie & Wyck who we like to think loves us)??? Don’t make BD Part 2 too good
UC: I mean… I feel good enough that I’ve kinda been defensive (in my head- never out loud. I keep that baby tucked inside) when I hear criticism
Moon: oh i defs get defensive but i think it’s just because all the years of keeping it in wore off
UC: did you go ape shit on some 12 year olds who were complaining Jacob didn’t get enough screen time?
Moon: right, Steph & Wyck: PLEASE make sure to include some easter eggs for us. Some laughs. Some jessica stanley goodness too
UC: SERIOUSLY… a dream sequence or something… i dunno how else she’ll be in it
Moon: cant EVER let a movie go by without anna kendrick KILLING IT
UC: make Bella DEF run into a tree her first time running around. The Spider Monkey tree- FULL CIRCLE Y’ALL
Moon: jessica could be a Volturi wife. i don’t care
UC: Speaking of that.. Guaranteed Anna’s contract has a stipulation that says “okay- she’ll do this film BUT only if you let her Kill it AT LEAST ONCE. But probably more like 3 times”
Moon: and lauren mallory could be the other. she’s never been in any other twi film, but why not whip her out for the last one??
Moon: Anna’s contract includes her being able to be awesome and probably ad lib any of her lines. cause she’s better than the script

The Dexter of Vampires

Moon: Can I mention the flashback of edward being the “Dexter of vampires??” Though i totally loved the look/feel of the scene and well it’s Rob, i could have totally done with someone else’s backstory AND is that even in the books???
Cause i just thought he ran away from carlisle to be a bad boy for a few yrs. never that he was off killing bad guys
UC: Umm.. i THINk he was.. but I don’t think she ever went into detail?
Moon: its like mel mel stole a line from her own tv show
UC: HAHA she got confused a second.
Moon: her assistant mixed in a page from one of her dexter scripts
UC: She was like… wait.. the Ice Truck killer is in this script? This must be Dexter
Moon: also did that hat Edward was wearing even fit?? Robert must have my problem: big head syndrome – its hard for people like us to look good in hats

Catherine Hardwicke, on Screen

Moon: Also can we talk about how charlie / billy burke knocks it out of the park EVERY damn time??? its like him and anna kendrick in a battle for the 6th man award of the twilight cast
UC: YES. and win. Tied . Every year
Moon: put them in coach!!! EVERY TIME. i mean the misty eyes and the joke about Renee being old
UC: Yessss
Moon: and “don’t let me fall, dad…” “never” DIE. DEAD
UC: What a perfect mustached ma

Got a notice from the neighbors about needing to wear more clothes...

Moon: wait, first can we go back to renee and her slutty shorts???
UC: Yes- and how she FOUND OUT about the wedding from an invite?
Moon: is that for REAL???

UC: also…. do you feel like she is Catherine Hardwicke on Screen? Cuz i do
Moon: YES! I mean the Cullen’s didn’t even call her mom? or as renee’s too busy cutting the legs off her old denim bell bottoms to pick up??
UC: she lost her cell phone again. she’s no longer “Texting” She was with Cathy the Cougar at Happy Hour. Every day. And night. And morning actually. Loves mimosas
Moon: oh 100% renee is the embodiment of Cathi: the beach house in venice, the straw cowboy hat… all she’s missing is a drum circle in her front yard
UC: Gift idea for the Edward Cullen Family to give Grandma!!
Moon: some damn clothes — and a new djembe drum
UC: or maybe a framed picture of the first time Renesmee read her mind. Which was the last time Edward allowed it, since Renee was thinking about Phil without his baseball uniform on.

Moon gets WAY confused

Moon: OK i have a question since i’ve read BD the least
UC: Okay
Moon: in the book didnt renee and phil have a kid and bring him to the wedding???
UC: whattt?? really?? they have a baby???? Maybe?? worst fans of the year right here?
Moon: or am i confusing breaking dawn with the princess diaries??? [ Long pause] yea it’s defs the princess diaries. cause renee and anne hathaway’s mom are essentially the same person to me.
UC: hahahahahahhaha. did you google it?
Moon: WHOOPS had a rick perry moment there
UC:you’re right. that’s totally princess diaries
Moon: so yea renee and phil DO NOT have a child and bring him to bell and Edward’s wedding in Genovia. Where bella’s gran, julie andrews, is the queen. YEA that DID NOT happen
UC: they do sing songs at the bachelorette party though, right? And slide down the stairs? rose, Alice & Bella?
Moon: oh they def do some stair surfing with mattresses from their beds. with raven simone
UC: That’s SO Raven!
Moon: Bella kinda IS Mia Thermopolis minus the brows and the whole royal blood thing
UC: hahaha.. please tell me you just read her name and didn’t remember it
Moon: Oh No… I remember it..
UC: I’m so proud. Our very own “Princess Diaries Dork of the Day” right here…

The virgin tux

Moon: ANYWAYYYY back to the wedding which was like the BEST EVER!!! So in bella’s dream about the wedding…i like the subtle nod to edward’s virginity with his all white tux… which no man has ever looked good in. Its like welcome to 1981!!!
UC: A virgin in 1981. So hot
Moon: he was only missing a mullet
UC: And the dress… I mean… it’s like they WANTED us to freak out & think WTF IS THIS DISASTER, and then wow us with the amazing REAL thing
Moon: it was nice but it was too modern/david’s bridal… i mean ALFRED ANGELO/mall type dress. Too generic for Bella’s dress
UC: they wanted people to ALMOST walk out
Moon: i like that it was strapless because it made bella look like she was walking down the aisle naked for a few secs. like those awful dreams here you show up to class naked
UC: i know. I liked that. Because for a hot second I thought we might see Edward Naked. Then I thought for another hot second about what a cold, white penis might look like. And got scared
Moon: instead we see them on a pile of bodies. AMAZING
UC: And then I was glad it was a dream sequence. Didn’t want to be more scared than I am of normal penises. Also I just made it seem like I only like Black penises, which is true
Moon: i wanted them on top of the bodies to be their cake topper, thats what it made me think of
UC: I thought black penises. you thought cakes
Moon: i’m purer than you
UC: so much purer. White tux purer
Moon: ok so besides the replica bella’s dress, they should sell the bella and edward bride and groom on top of dead bodies as a cake topper in stores. SYNERGY! Are you listening marketing dept??? i know you are.
UC: of course they are. or at least the company that made that vampire dildo is. Still waiting for our commission checks on that one!!
Moon: Srsly. we’e talked about the VAMP enough. I hope they at least sent one to rob. great white elephant regift for him– and make everyone think they modeled it after his REAL… thing

Less Penises, after the jump! Continue…

110 Commented


The time I wanted Jacob (or maybe I was ill)

Dear Jacob,

Something happened yesterday. I was listening to the Breaking Dawn Part 1 Soundtrack on Spotify, chatting with my pal, Marah, when I had an epiphany:

I'm sick. I think I'm attracted to Jacob

Marah: this soundtrack is kinda sappy. I mean, i don’t know what i expected but yeah
UC: I like the latter half.. it’s just.. so….so poppy
Marah: i’m going to assume the christina perri was written for the movie
UC: the wedding scene. the first dance? It’s SCREAMING that. Also: I feel like i might be really attracted to jacob in this movie . that is odd for me to say. i will write about this tomorrow.
Marah: oh my god seriously???
UC: i have no idea why
Marah: that’s horrifying
UC: i mean.. i think i have a fever right now. so maybe that’s why I’m saying this… but I also think it’s cuz.. well, Edward is all married.. he’s not attainable… and Jacob is… I could reach into the movie screen, grab him & make him mine. this is very weird… I’m feeling very weird
Marah: but YOU are married! and jacob is… icky
UC: i think i definitely have a fever. right? like.. this is the fever talking?? i mean.. i think right now, looking at my Spotify account.. streaming Breaking Dawn… seeing Edward & Bella all cozied up.. with Jacob alone.. he kinda looks like Damon from Vampire diaries.. the odd one out… the hot one i want…and i’m pretty sure THAT’s why I’m saying this.. cuz.. I couldn’t possibly.. right? like.. i don’t want jacob, right?
Marah: have you looked at his face? he’s no damon
UC: i think maybe i’m just looking at his muscles. and they FOR SURE have him standing on a box, so he looks so tall. like he’s standing on a big ass box.
Marah: i think there’s no way to like taylor lautner. like we can assign rob depth or whatever and he kind of backs it up. like ok maybe he would be okay to talk to, but taylor…I can’t make a distinction between Taylor & Jacob. And what’s to like about jacob?
UC: i don’t mean I’m into TAYLOR. ew. that’s icky. I just mean jacob. I kinda want jacob right now. Or my fever does….and i know taylor IS jacob, but i’d like to forget that for a moment and live in this fantasy where jacob is someone like Damon or… i dunno some other dark haired bad ass… {even though I think Taylor is a good jacob. a nice jacob. i never needed to be attracted to jacob.) Maybe it’s Rob’s Insurance man clothes. I mean Edward’s

 

So…. is it my fever? (Yes it will be gone before I come snuggle with you on Saturday, Moon) or am I on to something here? I know there is a HUGE group of people on Team Jacob. I know there are  HUGE group of people on Team TAYLOR.  I’ve never been one of those people. But Edward seems so…. married. And a BIG fan of Brooks Brothers. And I guess… I just feel kinda bad for Jacob. I mean, I know, I know.. he gets the baby eventually (yuck rephrasing- when she’s a big GROWN girl) but in the meantime, he’s one sad puppy.

And I want to cuddle with sad puppies. Maybe let them lick my face. Maybe they can spend the night at the foot of my bed.

Wow.. I really DO have a fever don’t I?

Love,
UnintendedChoice

So.. is it the fever talking?  Am I switching Teams? Am I just looking for something new? Has Edward lost his allure since he’s all hitched & stuff so I’m on the one I can’t have? And EW I’m talking about JACOB here… not Taylor. Let’s make sure to remember there is a difference (in my head!)

Still looking for something to wear to the Breaking Dawn Midnight showing? Might we suggest this beautiful design from the LTT/LTR Store? Wigs are still a hot topic with Breaking Dawn. Have you SEEN the pictures of Carlisle Cullen? War of the Wigs Tshirts & More (Ps- find some discount codes here)

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32 Commented


Things I wish that were

Dear Twilight,

I just realized there are only 16 days left for me to complain about things I wish were different in the Twilight Saga movies so that you could add them to Breaking Dawn. Sorry to be so last minute about this, but you understand. I’ve been busy. Speaking of being busy- I wasted about 12 minutes of my night looking for my Breaking Dawn book. Does anyone know where I placed that?

Anyway, I watched Twilight on FX the other night and read through a few chapters of Twilight and New Moon the other day for an LTT letter, and I realized there are a quite of things that I miss that were a part of the books that aren’t in the films. So if you wouldn’t mind doing some quick reshoots in time for us to see the film in a few weeks, that’d be cool:

BFFs

Bella & Alice: BFFs

I mean right off the BAT these two are close girlfriends. Sure Alice gives Bella a hug in Twilight by the bus (or was that in the book?) and they have that heart-to-heart on the couch in New Moon, but besides that, they’re kinda just… friends when it’s convenient. Like they chat when Edward is out hunting Black Bears with Emmett & stuff, but nothing that convince me they are super close friends. I don’t see Alice in the movies buying Bella a Tiffany’s friendship bracelet or anything. Alice & Bella of the BOOKS would have entire Tiffany’s stores dedicated to storing their friendship bracelet charms. Or they’d at LEAST have matching friendship tattoos. Or a couple pictures of each other together around the house. Or maybe Alice would be the one to tell Bella about doing “it” and her first time with Jasper. Either way, it’d be CLEAR that these two girls are BFFs.

Lauren:

I really miss Lauren. I mean, girls like Bella WAYYYYY too much in the books. Have we forgotten that Lauren Mallory was the original Bella-hater? Yes, we can say she’d probably be leading the nonsten and anti-KStew charge were she a real person.  It’s been so long since I thought about Lauren that I had to do a little research on the Twilight wiki (yes, there’s one of those. What ELSE are people supposed to do with their time?) and I found this:

Sometime during the summer following her junior year, Lauren was approached by an alleged modeling agent in a mall in Victoria, British Columbia, Canada, who told her that she seemed like a natural model. The agent told her that if she cut her hair shorter and edgier and had some high-quality headshots taken, her future would be assured. Lauren followed his instructions – spending 300 dollars on a haircut and 15 grand on pictures taken by the agent’s partner – and never heard from the agent again.

WHAT? When did that happen? Where was I? I don’t remember that AT ALL. Do I have pages missing from my book? This is, seriously, news to me. And further proves my point- That right there would be HILARIOUS to see. Mean girl from high school who hates our precious Bella, gets hers in the end in the form of a big credit card debt she can’t pay off even on good nights from her tips from “The Lodge.”*

Mmm.. imagine eating your dinner under THAT

SPEAKING of “The Lodge,” damn I miss it. I mean, I completely forget how Stephenie described it, but I figured it was a dark old cabin filled with stuffed heads of animals caught by its owner, featuring Prime Rib one step below Applebees. The Carver Cafe just sound a little too high class for Forks. Steak & Cobbler? No no no, the Lodge serves previously frozen buffalo meat and frozen apple pie heated up right before it’s served.

And while were discussing Bella & Charlie’s eating habits, why DO they go to the cafe every Thursday night? In the books they eat at home ALL THE TIME. Bella is an expert cook. And SO is Kstew. What’s wrong movie-people? Let KStew wear an apron on set & make her dad an loquat pie!

Yeah... like that!!

Bella’s physical attraction to Edward… And how he pulls her in.  I think that Catherine was the only one who attempted to get this across on screen (and failed, sorry KStew & Rob, lovers for life) She tried ignite what Stephenie explains so beautifully with words on screen for us by using close up shots, asking Kristen to open her mouth a little bit, almost enough for drool to fall out & for Rob to look like he’s gonna blow a load in his pants because of holding back all his passion & need & desire. Good try, but not exactly how it was described in the books.  “And Edward, almost blowing a load in his pants because of how much Bella’s blood SANG to him while Bella gazed up at him, only breaking her stare when she noticed the pool of drool from her open mouth had soaked into her jeans.” Yeah, not the same.

So while I’m excited for Breaking Dawn & the newness it brings (a wedding, a beautiful dress (fingers crossed), some sexytimes & more Cullen family- finally), I really could use some of the above mentioned things that I miss. Here- I’ll throw a quick scene together for you. Off the top of my head…..

Bella & Alice are in The Cullen house putting the finishing touches together on Bella’s wedding attire when suddenly Alice, who has been in quite the chipper mood because she finally got Bella into some decent shoes, grows somber saying, “Bella… I’m worried that things will change between us. With you marrying Edward… Isn’t there some sort of rule that your husband has to be your best friend?” Bella stops removing the lipstick Alice just spend 30 minutes perfecting to look at her best friend, “I know. I’ve thought about it too, and while I think Edward expects that I will consider him my best friend & closest confident, I want you to know that it isn’t true. That role will always belong to you.” Alice smiles a big smile & at that moment the sun bursts through the open window surrounding her in brilliant sparkly diamonds. She holds out her pinky for Bella to latch on. Holding on to one another’s littlest fingers they say in unison, “Best Friends Forever. Till Death Do us Part.” And then erupt into giggles, knowing death will never part them.

So yeah.. something like that… Lauren Mallory could interrupt their bff love-fest with some bitchy comment about how Bella looks fat & then the reception could be held at The Lodge! Emmett & Jasper, forced into helping with the decorations, are getting a kick out of all the mounted animal heads they strung white lights over. And then maybe, JUST maybe, Bella & Edward of the movie can act as connected as Bella & Edward of the books. 

I have faith in you, Twilight!

Love,
UnintendedChoice

*Turns out that story about Lauren is from the Twilight companion. I just outted myself. I never read it. I don’t even own it. Oops

 What do YOU wish was more of a focus in the movies that you loved from the books??

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Edward & Bella Manip

172 Commented


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