What’s in a Name!?

Dear Twilight,

My friend Marah & I were chatting about a conversation SHE had with her pal about the name Edward. And how odd it would be if Edward was called something different. Perhaps…. Ed:

“Bella Swan’s move to Forks, a small, perpetually rainy town in Washington, could have been the most boring move she ever made. But once she meets the mysterious and alluring Ed, Bella’s life takes a thrilling and terrifying turn. Up until now, Ed has managed to keep his vampire identity a secret in the small community he lives in, but now nobody is safe, especially Bella, the person Ed holds most dear.”

And I thought that was BRILLIANT. What if Edward was “Ed” the town misfit. Ed works for his dad, Carl. They run Fork’s only gas station & quick lube. Ed is really into cars, and he drives a silver Volvo- it’s an ’84.

Ed's cool wheels

Ed has 2 trashy sisters: Roseanne & Alex (“Al” for short). They both do some part time modeling at the Port Angeles Mall at the Deb shop around Prom season:

Nikki Reed for the Deb

One of my fav manips of all time

Ed has two half brothers Jack and Ernie. They hook up with Al & Roseanne from time to time. It would be weird, but that sort of stuff is pretty day-to-day when you own the only gas station in Forks.

Can you imagine how different Twilight would have been had Edward been given a different name? The whole TONE changes:

“About 3 things I was absolutely positive.

First, Ed was a vampire.

Second, there was a part of Ed– and I didn’t know how dominant that part might be— that thirsted for my blood.

And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with Ed.”

With a name like “Ed” I feel like I have to add a Fourth: ”Oh, and Ed’s taking me out tonight & I think we might “Do it” in the back of his ’84 Volvo!”

The name Edward captures so much beauty & sense of history, doesn’t it? It’s old fashioned. When you hear the name you think of a sexy, refined man full of class. He drinks wine & knows how to dance. He’s romantic & sensitive, yet manly & confident. Edward is just, well, Edward! Naming him something different would have been.. well, weird. Ed doesn’t make me think of beauty. I think of a dude with a pot belly & a grease stain on his white beater. It’s not sexy. Nor classy. Ed does has never had Merlot. Ed drinks beer from a can- the kind of beer that has a different label depending on whatever hunting season we’re in. Ed dances all right, but only after 6 beers & a dozen wings down at Doc’s bar on Friday nights. And it’s not pretty. Ed is not our Edward.

I like Edward. Thanks for naming him Edward!

Love,
UnintendedChoice

What do you think? What other name could work for OUR Edward? What else doesn’t work AT ALL?

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Posted in: Edward, Twilight
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The Cullen/Swan Wedding Reception

Dear Bella Cullen’s Wedding Reception,

Having just got married, oh, last weekend, I’m “down with the kids” on this whole wedding thing. I mean, I even sported the Bella barrette before you made it popular (and don’t pretend Alice didn’t steal the idea from ME!

"I'm crying because I'm so moved you used my hair barrette just like Team Seth did with her mom's hair barrette in her wedding, which happened before yours."

I know Alice saw me make my decision to wear my mom’s hair barrette before I made it. Then she STOLE the idea. Right out of my head. She’s supposed to use her powers for good–or is that witches? Too many vampire shows.)

Anyway, back to the letter… So, recently TeamJacobEdward emailed me back from the slathering of wedding photos I sent her and closed the email with: “PS did Jacob show up and steal a dance before he attended you to Edward Mr. Seth?”  [Don’t you just love her for using the word “attended”? I know I do.]

Her postscript got me to thinking.

For the weeks leading up to the event, I joked about how I wanted Murray Gold to come and stop the wedding in one of those over-the-top elaborate, only-happens-in-the-movies kind of ways; profess his love for me after speeding from the airport, drenched in rain all The Notebook sex scene style… You know, that sort of thing.  (if you don’t know who Murray is, go here for an impertinent informational interview)  But when the day came, as NatteringYeahRobber predicted, I didn’t think about Murray at all! (which is actually *not* true since I played one of his songs in my ceremony, thus his name was on our program…Murray will live on at my wedding forever! *does the Vincent Price laugh* (which was ALSO at the wedding via “Thriller”))

But I didn’t think about him coming into the wedding and sweeping me away–or cutting in for a dance or even just surprising me by showing up. I was caught up in the evening, having fun and eating the delicious cheese ravioli, dancing to the great New Wave that our DJ dropped and drinking porters.

Unlike Murray at my wedding, we know Jacob DOES show up to steal a dance with the bride. Sure, it will be exciting and emotionally moving, if not a little awkward.  But do you really want that?

If I can't come, Bella, I don't want you to come!

Let’s think about it. We all know I’m a fan of Jacob and like him better than Edward—but not for Bella. Bella and Edward are perfect for each other. Jacob is not compatible with her (just her egg?) and thus it’s not a good match. So, in Eclipse when he was all “And maybe even then.” after Bella said “Right. Until my heart stops beating.” in that sweat lodge bedroom of his, she should have thought, “Okay, we’ve made our peace. He’s gotten my admission of love and some mountain top tongue action. Neither of us died in battle. Now it’s over. I’m committed to Edward 100% and cannot wait to live my life with him, forever.”  So, when Jacob shows up all shaggy haired and disheveled looking to touch the bride’s shapely body and virgin white dress with his grubby little rejected twice-over hands, do you really want that?

You don’t.

"Remember when Jacob showed up disheveled at our wedding wanting to dance with you? What a lame-o!"

You want him to just do the mature thing and not show up at all. To call or email Bella saying he won’t be able to make it and he’s truly sorry, but he’s just not up for it. He wishes her and Edward all the best and hopes that they can stay friends moving forward. (And to give him a call when her demon fetus comes of age, so that he can finally get laid.) You don’t want him to make some covert just-off-to-the-side-of-the-dance-floor appearance to say his piece before fursploding off into the woods!  Talk about an overreaction to the water for elephant in the room!

The reality is, you want to be a happy occasion that everyone remembers fondly as being fun and pleasant. Sure there’s always the ‘problem person’ (one of my groom’s party members showed up to the ceremony completely wasted. It was…lovely), but if you had the choice of having that or not, do you really want that?

You don’t. You just don’t.

With Kind Regards,
Team Seth

ps-Do you think they’ll play a modified version of White Wedding that says “It’s a nice day for a pale wedding!” ?? (fingers crossed!)

pps-Mr. Seth always say “grubby little hands”, that’s why I threw it in there. Not because Jacob’s massive sexy lingering hands are grubby. Ahem. DH shout out! (teehee, I said DH)

ppps-It’s good to be back! (Said in my Damon voice, as heard in every single “Previously on the Vampire Diaries” from season 1)

Congrats on the new husband, Team Seth!! May your first year of marriage NOT include a baby that eats you from the inside out!!

Team Seth makes some great points…Jacob kinda RUINS the moment there…. I mean… not gonna complain when I see it on screen. Pretty sure I’m going to cry…. What about you??? Did your or does your dream wedding include “Interruption by ex/boy that COULD have been?”

OOPS: Last week, like an idiot, I said if you want to join us for an LTT part in LA in a few weeks (specifically Sunday 11/13) E-mail Us and included the email address for my work. TWICE. So, no- a hot tub company is not looking to throw a Twilight party in a few weeks, but WE are.. so E-mail Us if you’re interested!

REMINDER: Hate the ads? Press MUTE (the volume button) in 4 places. There ya go! All fixed.

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Breaking Dawn is trying to sell us something else

Dear Breaking Dawn Promo stuff,

Sometimes I get the feeling you are trying to sell me more than just the movie. Like when I look at the promo pictures it feels like there’s really an underlying message or brand I’m being sold. It’s as if the Summit Marketing team got together to come up with some ideas for “brand partnerships” to create “film and corporate synergy.” Yea, I’m pretty sure the word “synergy” was used a lot… So when I saw this latest batch of promo headshots from Breaking Dawn I knew I had to be onto something…
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Poor dude who plays Caius, with every movie he loks progressively more and more like Fabio. They might as well just give him a tub of butter to hold while he’s sitting behind Aro in the Voltera, Italy scenes and help make some extra money with product placement.

Charley Bewley is like one faux hawk and guy liner fueled make up and hair session away from his own Ed Hardy ad campaign. Poor guy, it’s not like he wants a rhinestrone tiger havng sex with a Koi fish on his chest, give the guy a break folks.
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Carlisle’s not just the president, he’s also a member!

Dude, Carlisle is already winning the race for worst wig in Breaking Dawn and we haven’t even seen the film yet. YIKES.
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Sure, most of Kellan’s life has been spent looking like an outtake from International Male Catalogue but we don’t need the official promo shots reminding everyone! Though I’m pretty sure Emmett did some Internantional Male Modeling in the 80s, I don’t want to see his mesh shirt collection any times soon.

(For a good time google image search “International Male Catalogue”)
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Why does Edward ALWAYS end up looking like an Insurance salesmen/Real Estate broker/Weatherman/Boringest Person In the World??? How is it possible to make Robert Pattinson look like the dad across the street? Stop trying so hard Wardrobe Dept! We know he’s 107 years old, we’re supposed to be tricking the dumb Forks, WA townspeople not making a neon sign pointing to this guy saying “This guy could be your great grandpa not your son’s classmate!”
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Sorry Alice… Sorry Twimoms but COME ON! Though I feel this latest incarnation of Alice’s hair is probably closeted to how Stephenie describes it, it still looks like she should be loading up orange slices and Capri Suns into the mini van.
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While Emmett was busy modeling for International Male in the 80s, Jasper deciding to make some extra dough moonlighting at the local Chippendale’s club. Doing that face the entire time. Just that face, some cuffs and a g string. All night long. Try not to laugh. When Chippendale’s went belly up because of a Bachlorette party done awry Jasper made the move to modeling heinous man jewelry for Hot Topic. They already have replica Bella saint bracelets, the wedding ring and Alice’s velvet choker (!!!) why not take the next step and offer the small male contingency who loves Twilight some Jasper jewelry? I know what I’m getting The Font and White Yorkie for Christmas! Terrible  jewelry!!!

Am I the only one who feels this way about some of these promo’s? Maybe I should be hired by Summit to oversee Brand Synergy! Clearly, I have a knack for what’s happening.

Off to Chipendales!
Themoonisdown

Why do they always look so crazy? Do you guys feel the same way?

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The one where we discuss Bella having the EASIEST pregnancy EVER

At about 12:30 last night Mr. Choice said to me “It sounds like instead of blogging you’re playing with your new Facebook profile.” He was right. Sorry LTTers. You’re welcome Zuckerberg. (and for the record, I like the changes. According to FB my very first convo, on 2/1/2005, was with my roommate at the time and was exactly this “…Adam Brody.. ughhh”) Okay onto Twilight:

Yep, you guesed it! I'm going to post lots of pictures of Kristella pregnant today

Dear readers,

Warning: If you don’t have kids, and are squeamish, you should know that this letter contains lots of over-sharing about pregnancy symptoms.  Of course, if you’re squeamish you should probably think twice about getting pregnant, period.  As much as I love having kids, I wish somebody would have told me about all the stuff pregnancy entails.  And you might as well hear it from me, ‘cause your mama’s not going to tell you.  She wants grandkids too much.

Dear Bella,
I’m not one of those girls who hates you.  You know the ones—those TwiHards who want you to drop dead so they can have Edward to themselves.  Because, obviously that’s gonna happen.  Yeah, you have your stupid, whiny moments, Bella, but don’t we all?  Stephenie sketched you brilliantly loosely so we can all identify with/ pretend to be you… and who doesn’t want to be eighteen and adored by the hottest boy on the planet?  As much as I love you (and, let’s face it, Edward) Ms. Meyer was right: if she wants to write more after Breaking Dawn she has to move on to a different narrator because we can’t identify with you as much, so it’s not the same reading experience.

The beginning of Breaking Dawn is the ultimate imagine-yourself-in-Bella’s-shoes read.  Getting to fill in the fade-to-sad blanks with all our favorite dream-honeymoon fantasies is a ridiculous amount of fun.  But then you get pregnant.  And it was a fun ride the first time I read it, before I’d had children.  But after two children in the last two years I can’t help but roll my chuckle at the melodrama of it all.  And I love the rest of your melodrama—souls, vampire law, trying to save your indestructible boyfriends and all—but the pregnancy stuff just makes me roll my eyes these days.

Being pregnant with a vampire baby is PURE BLISS!

Your kid sucking your life away from within?  Honey, virtually every woman who gestates a child feels like that for at least 8 weeks of the first trimester and 10 weeks of the last, and you did it for WAY less time than that.  And try doing that first trimester while still breastfeeding your first kid.  Not for wusses.  So maybe your kid broke your spine.  Psshh, whatever.   Try having feet shoved in your ribs and a head whacking your cervix for four months.  Especially fun when they get hiccups.  I’ll give you credit though—you whined way less than I did while pregnant.  Of course, you had Edward to do the whining for you.

Speaking of which, the day you figured out you were pregnant you suddenly see a baby bump.  I get the accelerated growth thing, but there’s no way that’s your first physical change.  By the time there’s a baby bump your boobs have been swollen for weeks.  And there’s no way Edward’s vampire vision would have missed that fact.  Of course, those unusually large bosooms would have hurt so much that even you—sex-starved martyr that you are—wouldn’t let him touch them.  This is ultimate irony of pregnancy as far as daddies are concerned.  Now there’s a reason for him to be whiney.

And you had a house full of super-powerful vampires and werewolves doting on you, valiantly trying to meet your every need.  I just had a needy toddler, a house full of moving boxes to unpack, and a husband who works 60 hour weeks.  Not feeling the sympathy, girl.

You missed out on so many of the joys of pregnancy, Bella.  I’m going to fill you in on a few of them, and I’m sure you’ll get some great additional information from our delightful commenters.

  • Will you come to my white trash baby shower?

    Of course eating fried chicken made you puke.  I couldn’t touch meat—let alone cook it—for months.  Except sausage and shrimp.  Because what pregnant women will and won’t eat is always logical.

  • Forget eating making you puke, try gagging every time you brush your teeth for four months.  Especially fun because when you puke you then need to brush your teeth again.
  • Creeped out by those crazy dreams you keep having?  At least you’re sleeping.  Between the back aches, the weight on your middle mandating you sleep on your side even though you’ve always slept on your back, and straight-up insomnia, sleep’s a precious commodity.  Even before that newborn keeps you up all night.  Oh, wait, you missed that newborn sleep deprivation part too.
  • Be thankful you were cooped up in that beautiful house being taken care of ridiculously well.  Going out in public just means awkward stares, unsolicited advice, and having to find something presentable to wear that fits this week.
  • Not holding down any food probably means you missed out on the fun of a itty-bitty smooshed bladder, constipation, diarrhea…  Too graphic?  As I’ve been saying, normal pregnancy ain’t pretty, dear.
  • That whole emergency C-section via vampire teeth thing wasn’t pretty, but you didn’t go through a single contraction, let alone days of labor or hours of pushing.  You get bonus points for delivering without an epidural, though.
  • You totally skip breastfeeding, and nobody laid a “if-you-really-loved-your-child-you-would” guilt trip on you.  No pumping, cracking, engorgement or living life in three hour chunks for you.
  • Need we start in on the fact that without the healing powers of vampire venom post-partum breasts are never the same, you’ve got a pooch where your abs used to be, varicose veins, stretch marks, there’s no sex allowed for six weeks more or less, none of your shoes fit…
  • And you had Alice to deal with all the clothes havoc.  From needing new bras within weeks of getting pregnant to having NOTHING that fits for six months post-partum, but not wanting to buy anything because it (hopefully) will be too big soon, having children is a wardrobe catastrophe.
  • And then when your baby is born she sleeps, so you can too!  Oh, wait, you couldn’t, could you?  But you got fabulous vampire sex instead of unending exhaustion, so it doesn’t count.

Just did a little preggers photoshoot for Eddie

Can I continue down the road for a second and tell you about the fun of toddlers who don’t have advanced comprehension of the universe or ability to communicate via mind-meld and therefore spend a couple hours out of every day throwing fits?  That’s probably a different letter, isn’t it?

I hope my letter hasn’t made you too sad about all those human experiences you missed, Bella.  I think you’ll probably deal with what I’ve told you just fine.  I wouldn’t show it to Edward if I were you, though.  It would make him unbearably angsty for days to think about all the amazing things you gave up to be with him.

All my best,
Bea

P.S.  Uptight readers, stop freaking out on me.  I love my children, mostly enjoy breastfeeding, and think childbirth is one of the most crazy-amazing things you will ever do.  I just hate being pregnant.

Hilarious look at the human experiences Bella LUCKILY missed out on in her life! Can you think of any more? (Oh, and Bea sent this letter late July. I asked for an update, but haven’t heard back yet. I sure hope she had the baby. Cuz her pregnancy sounds AWFUL. They’re not all like that, right? Like, if & when I have kids I can expect to never crave meat, gain weight, feel aches, fart in public, complain, cry, regret letting Mr. Choice plant his seed in me? RIGHT?)

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Oh.. and I couldn’t leave you without posting this AWESOME find from last night:

85 Commented


A letter to the Cullens, Corner shop owners:

From time to time I forget about the Cullens. In a world of Rob and Robsten and Taysten and Big Daddy, it’s easy to forget we actually liked the Cullens first. But this letter reminded me today of those vampires we all fell for so very long ago:

Dear Cullen family,

Every once in a while I drive by your corner market and deli. I know it’s yours because

  1. you named it after yourself.
  2. I think you probably have a little entrepreneurial spirit in you.
  3. It makes perfect sense that you’d move from Forks to Portland Oregon – stay where the weather suits you… and
  4. You like to keep a low profile and what’s lower than a corner grocery in a somewhat seedy part of town?

What I’ve been wondering is who’s minding the store? (No, I’ve never stopped in to see. I’m not sure about the neighborhood and, more importantly, how would I explain my reaction to my daughters and husband if Edward happened to be behind the counter? I’m just pretending that my husband doesn’t think I’m crazy already.)

I went through each person in your family, debating on who I’m most likely to run into:

Run the family business? No way! I'm too busy being a Doctor & having very unfortunate hair

Carlisle – Well obviously, no.  I mean you’re busy as a Dr. I’d be more likely to run into you at my job at the hospital (oh please, please come sauntering through my door in your white lab coat a la Twilight!)

Esme – There’s no way. As you can see, the building has no architectural integrity to it whatsoever. If you ever got close to it I’m sure it would be much more aesthetically pleasing. I mean, there are bars on the windows and the paint on the sign is chipping away!

Jasper – While you would be helpful in soothing the minds of all the potential armed robbers that come waltzing through the doors I think that trying to control all of those out of control emotions would eventually overwhelm you. Then we’d have a highly trained soldier with a nervous breakdown who also happens to like to snack on human blood on our hands. Low profile gone. Why don’t you stay away from that store Jasper, just a friendly suggestion.

You should have SEEN the customer's outfits today, Bella. There was flannel & pull-overs and... oh... you would've fit right in...

Alice – Well, you could definitely have everyone’s purchases bagged and ready for them when they walked through the door but I think that having to face all of those poorly dressed customers would drive you crazy. So there, you and Jasper both gone crazy – I think we’ve established that neither one of you should get anywhere near that place.

Edward – Oh how I wish you were tending the store, Edward. But then again, maybe not. I might be embarrassed to have you see what I’m purchasing and, since you can read minds, there’s no way I could sneak that emergency pack of tampons in with the random gum, milk and motor oil I’m piling on the counter to distract you. Plus, I just don’t think you could hold it together with all of the customers coming in and out with their mundane and pedestrian thoughts assaulting you all day. You’d definitely lose your cool and toss one out the front door.

Bella – Well, to put it simply, if Edward wasn’t there you’re certainly not going to be there! Not that I can blame you.  Plus, you’ve already worked retail at Newton’s Outfitters so I think you’ve put in your customer service time. Whew, you dodged a bullet!

Rosalie – Are you kidding? There’s no way in hell you’d be caught dead working retail at Barneys, much less some disgusting little corner store that serves the sweaty and uncouth masses. I don’t even know why you’re on this list of considerations!

I give them one look at these abs and the customers buy extra cans of Spam!

Emmet – Yep, it’s totally you, isn’t it? You’re gregarious and big. Perfect for laughing and joking so that the gawkers become repeat customers and the potential robbers are scared away since they know you’d totally kick their ass. You’ve probably made friends with half the locals by this time, haven’t you? In fact, you’re probably having so much fun that someone needs to keep you in line. Oh! So Rosalie is there! Sorry Rose. That’s what happens when you fall for a big goof. Just stay in the back and don’t rip out anyone’s throat ok? You’ll have to move on in a few more years and hopefully it’ll just fade into a bad memory.

Well, I’ve figured it out…Now I just have to figure out how to hold it together when I make an impromptu visit and not blow your cover.

Thinking about what kind of sandwich I might order from the deli,

Sarah

Of COURSE I googled this place and of COURSE they have a Yelp page & turns out Sarah was wrong about all of the above. According to one reviewer, the guy running the place is “an over-reacting Asian.” I’m guessing college didn’t work out for Eric Yorkie & The Cullen’s hired him to run their family biz. BIG Thumbs up to the first person who writes a Cullen’s Corner Yelp Review and mentions THE Cullens!

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