How to Deflower A Twilight Virgin

We’re less than 2 weeks away from the release of New Moon. Are your plans set or are you like one of the many people who have emailed us saying they have NO Twi-lovin’ friends and therefore are attending the midnight showing alone? Unacceptable! We enlisted the help of LTT friend HeyyyBrother to instruct us HOW to take away the Twi-virginity of your friends and family. Follow her instructions and you’ll have someone to split a $7.00 diet coke in two Thursday nights!

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Edward Cullen: Virgin

Dear Twilight-Lovin’ Floozies,

(I mean that in the most complimentary way possible, promise…)

Between LTT/LTR, Twitter, and my overactive imagination, I spend so much time immersed in all things Twi that I sometimes forget that there are people out there who are still Twilight virgins.  My very best friend was one of them.  Even in the midst of early New Moon mania, she remained blissfully unaware of all things Twilight.  The kind of unaware where you could say “Edward Cullen” to her and she’d ask if that was a friend or coworker.  She had never even gotten to first base with Twilight.

She watched my downward spiral into addiction from afar, not really understanding what I was getting myself into.  Thankfully she’s the most understanding and open-minded person I know, so when I finally revealed to her the depths of my obsession, she simply laughed and supported me, never judging me for being what could be considered the Twilight equivalent of a nymphomaniac… a Twilomaniac, if you will. Pretty amazing, right?  It was then that I saw the potential in her; the potential to recruit her to the dark side.  I dropped hints that she should read the books, but she’d never been much of a reader.  I realized that was a lost cause and shifted gears to the movie.  Better that than nothing, right?

It’s our job as seasoned Twilomaniac hussies to find new conquests, but there’s a lot of responsibility that goes along with being the person to take one’s Twilight v-card…  It’s not something you should ever take lightly.  In the event that any of you find yourself in a similar situation, I’ve compiled a list of helpful tips.

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Taylor Lautner: Virgin (But only because Chris Hansen scares away anyone willing to take away his v-card)

Are We Both Ready?  Things to consider before it’s too late.

  • Keep your obsession in check. Your friend will never be interested in getting intimate with Twilight if all you do is talk about Twilight.  Your best bet is to mention it every now and then, just throwing a little teaser out there – something to let her know about the swooning she’s missing out on.  Let her know that you feel strongly about the series, but it might be best to hide your extensive collection of Twi-porn that may or may not be limited to binders full of FanFic, Team Edward/Jacob/Switzerland garb, action figures, etc.  Definitely hide your New Moon Advent Calendar and/or Countdown Chain made of construction paper.  You don’t want to scare her off before you’ve even had the opportunity to pop it in.  The DVD, I mean…
  • Make sure it’s 100% consensual.  The day my friend told me she was ready to watch Twilight was a joyous occasion.  You don’t want to force this on them.  If she’s not ready, she may very well end up hating the entire experience.  No regrets!
  • They should be of appropriate age.  There’s some pretty mature content and material involved here.  Don’t make me call Chris Hanson on you… I’ve already got him on speed dial since your borderline inappropriate crush on innocent little Taylor, coupled with your recent plans for a road trip to Georgia, have me more than a little concerned.
  • Understand the risks.  If everything goes well, your friend could be surrendering her life over to the obsession just like you did.  She can say goodbye to her free time and her productivity at work. But if it doesn’t go well, your chance to recruit a new convert is over.  Remember: there’s no going back.

Don’t forget protection (and more) after the jump! Continue…

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Should Breaking Dawn be turned into a movie?

bdawnDear Summit,

It’s us again. Writing you for the second time this week. Don’t run away in fear- this time we’re not here to criticize. The big news this weekend is that the new website you launched- The World of Twilight- has a ‘coming soon’ link for Breaking Dawn. This is BIG. We’ve heard many of the actors say they’re signed on for the 4th installment of the series, but so far you’ve been mum on whether or not you’re going ahead with the highly anticipated and highly controversial movie.

I’m gonna be honest- there are a few huge issues with turning that book into a movie, and I’m not convinced that it’s going to translate very well onto film. I’ve been racking my brain trying to come up with a way you could market the film considering some of the problems I’ve foreseen. I came up with a few teasers you could use- see if you think any of them would work:

  • S-I-C-K-N-A-S-T

    S-I-C-K-N-A-S-T

    Breaking Dawn- the story of how a half-vampire baby bites its way out of its mother’s womb while its vampire father kills the mother by biting all over her bloody body.

  • Breaking Dawn- watch the magic of the movie makers as they create a believable baby using CGI who can communicate through touch. We promise it’ll be the most believable and the least cheesy CGI baby you’ve ever seen.
  • Breaking Dawn- A movie that will surly have Robsten lovers orgasming in their theater seats as they finally get to see Robert Pattinson & Kristen Stewart, a couple they desperately want to be their real-life Bella & Edward, do it. A lot.
  • Breaking Dawn- Watch as a teenage boy falls for a little girl. No! Not like that! We promise, even Chris Hansen would like this movie!

Obviously you can see the problems I’m talking about. Breaking Dawn is a love story marketed to teenage girls, not a horror flick with scenes bloodier than Saw 1-8 combined (there are 8 of them now, right?)  Renesmee is a very special baby and while I believe Stephenie beautifully portrays her abilities on page, there is no way in hale that that will translate into a movie without being incredibly cheesy and/or very fake.

isleesmeWhat I foresee with Robsten finally getting it on on screen could be disastrous.  Picture my first viewing of Twilight the movie. I was sitting next to this little chubby 10 year old wearing a Team Jacob shirt. I said, “Why are you Team Jacob?” And she answered, “Cuz he’s the best.” And then I bitch-slapped that lil chubster. But then I felt really bad cuz she confessed that Hot Topic only had smalls left in the Team Edward shirts. This was in November of 2008- the passion for the franchise was there, but nothing like it is now. And Breaking Dawn won’t be released until, what? Maybe February 2011? There will be absolute chaos in movie theatres across the country when Non-Robsteners yell out “Her boobs are small” when Bella first takes off her clothes in the moonlight or “That should’ve been Ashley Greene!” as Edward starts to break the headboard in the bedroom. Robsteners will go crazy. Breaking headboards and ripping pillows will be nothing compared to what the movie theatres will look like after the fight is over.

And when Jacob imprints on Renesmee? It doesn’t matter that it’s not sexual and is just a “big brother” kind of thing- every one knows that Jake is a teenage boy and thinking about the day his ‘lil Nessie grows up. And Chris Hansen ain’t down with that.

But you’re movie makers. And you’re in the business to make money. And no matter how bloody, cheesy, barf-me cuz it’s Robsten, and pedofilial the movie ends up being, fans are gonna crowd the theaters, camp out for the premiere & scream for joy when Edward loses his virginity finally. So you’ll make the movie, regardless.

Here are a few suggestions I have to hopefully help Breaking Dawn not suck.

  • Fade to Black: Stephenie Meyers did it and you can too- but just choose a different scene to fade from. Kristen can clutch her fake baby bump, stutter and blink & attempt to feign pain- she faints- it goes black. We see through her eyes…then black…hear her breathing…black…see a baby being held over her head…black…and then taken away by Rosalie…And then the camera pans to Edward who is working to change Bella. But instead of a horror bloodbath scene and Edward injecting a huge needle into Bella’s heart, we see his face, diligently working on his beloved….then black….

    TWILIGHTLOVE

    "We are family. I got my half vampire baby and me"

  • Rob, Rob and more Rob: Obviously Isle Esme is the most anticipation part of Breaking Dawn the movie. If you thought fans went crazy at the sight of shirtless Edward in New Moon, just wait until they see Sexytimes Edward. Suggestion to please all crowds- lots and lots of Robert Pattinson. Sure, show Kristen’s face once just so we know Edward didn’t grab the housemaid to warm up, but then show nothing but Rob- his back, his side, his arms, his ass (would this ensure an “R” rating? Cuz I’d love to see Breaking Dawn without a 10 year old next to me) his face, his lips- Rob, Rob and more Rob…
  • The Olsen Twins: All I know is that a CGI baby won’t work. But I know the Olsen twins would. Those girls are experts on winning over the world with their baby-ways…. hire them, they’ll figure out how to train a newborn baby how to act- and if they can’t they probably have a factory in some third world country that can come up with some alternative.
  • Jake, Renesmee and Quil

    Jake, Renesmee and Quil

    No imprinting: Yes, I know… it’s powerful- Jacob imprints on the woman he love’s baby. I get it. It’s special, blah blah blah.. but it also works better on paper than it will on screen. I just can’t see Taylor Lautner looking longingly at a small child like he’s going to be her big brother but also knowing that someday they’ll get it on. It doesn’t matter how much coaching Big Daddy Lautner gives him (“Just gaze at her like I gaze at the oven while your mom has double fudge chocolate chip brownies baking- you want them now, but it’ll be worth the wait.”) so sure- hint at the fact that someday Jake & Nessie will end up together, but leave out the messy, creepy imprinting on a child crap.

It won’t be perfect, it will have to deter from the book slightly, but from the gazillions Stephenie has been making so far, I think she’ll be fine with it (To be doubly sure, just invite her to view the Isle Esme filming- one look at Robert Pattinson naked eating feathers will cure any anger she has towards you for messing with her book)

Looking forward to seeing Kristen & the child cast as Renesmee catch their first CGI deer,
UnintendedChoice

Just an FYI- I loved Breaking Dawn, didn’t have a problem with Renesmee, Jacob imprinting or a bit of Isle Esme (duh) But I want to keep the book in my mind- I don’t want to see it on the big screen. Although I have a feeling I’m not going to get my way….

Do you think it could work? Breaking Dawn on the big screen?

all images found on Google images- well, except for the Bella’s Womb one. That’s a craft I made last night. Just for fun.

Go make your own creepy craft & post to The Forum
Moonpie brings you Rob Rob and MORE Rob over on LTR

120 Commented


Free Therapy for the Twilight Lover

Dear needy Twilighters,

Q: "Why don't the Twi boys like ME?" A: "Screw them. Come visit our Unicorns at LTT!"

Ashley Greene on my couch: Q: "Why don't the Twi boys like ME?" A: "Screw them. Come visit our Unicorns at LTT!"

We really should start charging. I mean every day we get e-mails and comments from people all over the globe thanking us for giving them an outlet for their Twi-(and Rob) session & an opportunity to connect with other people “just like them.” I mean, people who meet on LTR & LTT are meeting up all over the country- 4 gals met in Nashville last weekend. Two met for lunch a few days ago. One of our forum mods is flying to visit an LTR buddy she met just 2 months back. And any day we expect an invitation from either ArmyUnicorn or Jordan for their wedding to a girl they met on LTT. People pay good money for this kind of therapy! Why are we doing it for free? (Note to Moon: write down in Twidea book “start charging a LOT of money for services offered.”

We just want to share a little story with you so that you know what CAN happen if you listen to your Aunt UnintendedChoice and Aunt TheMoonisDown.  All your dreams can come true:

About a month ago, we received a comment on LTT from a new reader. She said,

I am writing to ask for your help. I previously wrote to tell you that I was new to Twilight and really enjoyed y’alls site. That enjoyment is quickly turning into obsession, as I can easily tell has happened to millions.

I really enjoyed your post about being well-rounded, great ideas! I just can’t seem to get enough and it is totally affecting so many parts of my life. In some ways, it is wonderful…..others, distracting. I was recently snow sking while on vacation with my family. I spent so much of the time thinking about how I could squeeze in Twilight. I would listen to the soundtrack while skiing, think about it on the lift, on the slopes. My husband is very understanding and he even built me an Edward snowman and made a comment that the snow sparkled like Edward.

Since I am “new” to all this, I am curious to know how long I should expect this obsession to last. I spend every free moment I have reading the books…again, watching the movie….again, looking at websites…again. When does it get easier? When can I pull myself away? Thanks so much for any help you can lend. I truly appreciate the dedication and commitment you have to people like me! -dazzled

I put on my glasses, pulled my hair up into a sexy loose bun, straightened out the pillows on my therapy couch then had my way with Rob on it invited dazzled to hear my amazing (free) advice:

Hmm… good question! The major obsession will pass… eventually, but if it’s really affected you, which is seems like it has, you might just have to figure out how to balance it in your life. My suggestion- try reading another book. It will be hard, but it will be good for you! Turn off the soundtrack- maybe try something FROM the soundtrack- Mutemath or Muse? Tell yourself you can only look online for twilight news 3 days a week…. It’ll pass.. but it sounds like it might be with you for awhile!

Problem solved. NEXT for the couch: Pattinson Pants lady wants to know if she should or should not wear her Pattinson Pants when she meets Pattinson. Um, hell no. You’re crazy.

After the jump, see the update we just got this week from our “client” dazzled.

Continue…

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Follow your Dreams- Twilight style

Dear kids, teens and grown-ups neglecting their responsibilities who make videos like the one you’re about to see,

Moon & I spend a lot of time perusing YouTube for great content for 2nd-hand embarrassment, fan art, fanmade vids & Saturday Am Delight over at LTR. We are constantly amazed at your creativity. We had a conversation about it last night:

UC: seriously, these kids are talented
Moon: They are! I want them all to realize their dreams and go into movies or tv or whatever. I wish I could tell everyone that
UC: They should follow their dreams

I know that sounds pretty similar to the drunk convos we’ve had about you guys before, but we were sober- promise. And you should- you should REALLY follow your dreams! You guys are better than 1/2 the trailer editors in the business!

After watching this next video, I was SO excited to see Breaking Dawn… and we don’t even know for sure that it’s going to be made into a movie (and if it is, guarentee this short teaser film will be better than the actual movie!)

I loved this video, I really did, but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to share some of the profound thoughts that went through my mind as I watched it.  Think of it as a mini-commentary:

  • I love how I’m feeling the emotion of the wedding…Bella looks beautiful in her dress.. the music is starting to build… and then suddenly, Cedric Diggory shows up!
  • Bella’s boobs are CLEARLY not that big… did a guy make this vid?
  • Isle Emse? Um, hot. You gave us what Stephenie clearly did not.
  • Natalie Portman playing Bella? Well, I don’t like it.. but only because Rob has a crush on her and I’m way jealous
  • LOVE it when Edward rocks a Jesus beard & does a cartwheel
  • Is that Bill Compton from Trublood at the end? It makes sense.. he woulda hung out w/ the Cullens…

Seriously, amazing job. We’re impressed. And I want to hug that little girl who played Renesmee NOW!

Follow your dreams,
UnintendedChoice xo

34 Commented


2nd Hand Embarrassed – Jacob/Renesmee

Dear Stephenie Meyer-

I’ve always been a little weirded out with the whole Jacob/Renesmee imprinting scenario, never mind how I can NEVER spell “Renesmee” correctly. But that’s a different post for another day. Back to Jacob and Renesmee… seriously though I understand it’s not like a sick-o gross pedi thing and I get that it totally adds another wrinkle to the storyline that make the future possibilities OH SO interesting but STILL.

We’ve all been there, we’ve convinced a friend to read the Twilight saga and they’re WAY into it, then they get to Breaking Dawn and you inevitably get the text late at night that says “JACOB IMPRINTED ON RENESMEE?? WTF!?” And then you have to explain yes, a 17 yr old boy is oddly “in love” with Edward and Bella’s baby.   UH YEA. I find the “I’m unexplainably drawn to love/protect/obsess/someday marry” a baby storyline super weird.com. And bordering on some Dateline NBC shiz.

So when I saw this fanmade video I knew it was gonna be some whacky stuff and it did NOT disappoint.

Please Stephenie, write the Jacob/Renesmee story so I can wash these bad memories out of my brain!

Mildly creeped out…
Themoonisdown

More thoughts after the cut Continue…

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