The Husband and Twilight

Mr. Choice is the president of this club

Dear men interested in being with me,

Hello. My name is UC & I’m in the market for a new man. Tonight after almost falling to the ground from a dizzyspell and spending the evening going from the couch to the bed, dizzy everywhere I went, I decided I was ready to move on from Mr. Choice. He’s just not cutting it anymore. First of all, it took him approximately 48 seconds to come and help me get up from the bathroom floor after I experienced my first dizzy spell- and then he forced a sugary sweet drink down my throat (note SUGARY, not salty..not what you think) THEN when I asked him to help me with an LTT for today, he said, “No.” It’s OVER. Worst husband ever.

So if you’re interested:

  • I’m currently experiencing dizzy spells & it’s either nothing at all or completely serious. We’ll see
  • I love cats, cupcakes & Christmas
  • I spend an extraordinary amount of time online
  • I’d prefer it if you’d look like Robert Pattinson
  • And if you were rich
  • And a good cook- I like eggs
  • And you must want to roleplay as a vampire. I’ll call you Edward- I’ll explain later
  • And you must write at least one LTT for me weekly…. I need a break.

Any takers? In the meantime, be jealous of ThePlaneFriend who has a man much  nicer than that horrible Mr. Choice!

Dear Ltters,

I have the best husband in the world. Truly. To give you an idea how much I adore this man, I am going to make a shocking confession. I wouldn’t even trade him for Edward. (I would, however, want Edward to teach him the leg hitch).

The Plane Husband (I guess I’ll call him that since I’m The Plane Friend) said he wanted to read Twilight a few days after I finished it. This was because I would barely talk to him on a 16 HOUR plane ride to India as I read it and then New Moon—and then made him take me to the nearest Mumbai bookstore to buy Eclipse and Breaking Dawn so I could finish the series (and then read it over and over and over again). I was in India, mind you, and should have been focusing on something other than vampires. But I couldn’t. (And, as luck would have it, the Indian bookstore had both books in paperback. It saved Plane Husband some money, b/c I would have bought them in hardcover in the US despite his protests to get them from the library).

Plane Husband wasn’t won over as an instant unicorn, but has slowly made his way through most of the series in the past two years in between reading other (more manly, most of the time) selections. He has come to all the movies with me. And he’s rather amusing when he talks about them. See the following:

After finishing Twilight:

Husband: “No wonder you like these books so much…this is basically porn for women!”

(I admit that I had been a little more amorous than usual [like wanting to get it on pretty much every day] during the week I lost my Twi-virginity, which I think might have tipped him off).

Me: “So are you going to forbid our daughter from reading them?”

Husband: “Yeah, until she’s married.”

After watching New Moon, in the theater, on opening night, with a lot of screaming teens:

Husband: “I felt like I was in a strip club”

Me: “How would you know?  You’ve never been to a strip club, have you?”

Husband: “No, but I imagine it would be a lot like that.”

After watching Remember Me a few weeks ago:

Husband: “You know, I always thought the whole Twilight cast was terrible, but I think Robert Pattinson is actually a good actor now. Is everyone else just really bad?”

Me: “To be honest, I’ve always thought it was a combination of the screenplays, stuttering Kristen Stewart moments, and the impossibility of taking a fantasy novel written in first person and translating it on screen effectively.”

Husband: “I still think it might just be all the other actors.”

In the car this past weekend, talking about Breaking Dawn:

Husband: “I feel like, with this being the last book and everything, there should have been more action at the beginning. Bella narrated the first what, 100 pages? Nothing happened. Now that Jacob’s narrating, there’s finally something going on.”

Me: “What do you mean nothing happened? Edward and Bella got married, they went on a honeymoon, had vampire-human sex, and made a freaky baby. Stuff happened.”

Husband: “It dragged. I mean, c’mon, Edward is really rich, right? I was expecting something more impressive for the honeymoon.”

Me: “More impressive than taking her to a deserted island with a mansion and the bath-water warm ocean? That’s every girl’s fantasy—even without the perfect vampire. You’re with the guy you love. There’s no one around to distract you…or him. You can have sex on the beach in the middle of the day and know that no one is coming around the bend. Plus, I thought the whole description of how Bella was nervous about their first time was pretty spot-on from the female perspective. It resonates with the intended audience. I was worried about all the same things on our wedding night.”

At that point, we discussed our own wedding night a bit. (Which, oddly enough, was August 13th—but we got married back in 2005—so please don’t think I am one of those crazies who would plan my wedding around sharing Edward and Bella’s anniversary—it’s just fun trivia). And no, I won’t share the sexy times part of our conversation with you, either; it’s my personal fade-to-black, thank you very much.

**Toward the end of the discussion** Me: “At least you didn’t have to worry that having sex with me would kill me.”

Husband: “Can we please stop talking about Twilight now?”

And then yesterday as Husband was reading something on the computer:

Me: What are you laughing at?

Husband: I’m on Letters to Twilight. I figured I should read your post.

Me (in shock b/c Husband has been getting annoyed with me as I have been reading the LTT backlogs and he frequently finds me laughing so hard I’m crying/peeing/spraying water out of my nose as I’m staring at the computer screen and he’d like me to laugh at something he wants to take part in. Online Twilight fandom understandably crosses a line for him): You’re on LTT?

Husband: Yes, and it’s the one and only time I’ll ever be on it.

Me: But what if I have more posts on there? You might be in them.

Husband: I’ll read those too. But that’s it.

So what do you think, LTTers, isn’t he the best?

Love a happily married,

ThePlaneFriend­­­

LUCKY! Wanna trade!???? Jk…. Mr. Choice is pretty cool……He did just make me chocolate milk (I love being sick enough to be babied but not sick enough that I’m really sick)

What have the men in your life done or said about Twilight lately? Any new Unicorn stories to share!???

All images found from stickers on cafepress!

Don’t forget about : While Moon was Gone

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

155 Commented


What if Twilight didn’t Fade to Sad?

Dear Twilight hornballs,

When Moon & I gave Stephenie her LTT gifts after our big interview, she opened up the notebook that said “Fade to Black Sad” on the front (inside contained a private, REAL “letter To Stephenie” (sneak peek: “We love you more than Robsteners love the idea of Rob & K getting it on on a bear skin rug in front of a fire”)) she said (I’m paraphrasing), “I’m sorry guys- I just can’t write what really happens! I have kids- I can’t read that to them” (She DOES read her books to her kids! AW- “Mommy- what’s a leg hitch?” “Come here, Pancho, let’s show them how it’s done”) And I responded (paraphrasing)- “WE HATE YOU SO MUCH We understand. As much as we want to know the details that exist in YOUR magnificent brain, if you were really specific your story would end up on the shelf next to those books with Fabio on the cover.”

And it’s true. Can you imagine if Breaking Dawn DIDN’T “fade to black?” I mean, isn’t the sexual tension and the non-sex what keeps the story going at times? As much as I love reading a little sexytimes story to pick up new tips- I’m sorry- any story that says “shaft” isn’t one I feel I can proudly show on my bookshelf. Here I’ll prove it:

He stood, his back to me, waist deep in the midnight water, staring up at the oval moon. The pallid light of the moon turned his skin a perfect white, like the sand, like the moon itself, and made his wet hair black as the ocean…The water was so clear, I swear I could make out the entirety of his shaft.

How’s that for a description? Don’t you wish included more details like that? Here’s another:

I slipped the towel off without hesitation, leaving it on the tree with his clothes, and walked out into the white light; it made me pale as the snowy sand too… I stepped in, walking carefully across the invisible ocean floor, but my care was unnecessary; the sand continued perfectly smooth, sloping gently toward Edward. I waded through the weightless current till I was at his side, and then I placed my hand lightly over his cool hand lying in the water…”Bella touch my shaft” he whispered.

RobioDamn I’m all hot and having visions of Edward as Fabio right now.  It CAN believe it’s butter, baby….

I was talking to @Brookelockart about this very topic & she said she doesn’t necessarily wish for lemons, but she would like a little lemon zest from time to time. I think she means something a little bit like this:

He shuddered the tiniest bit at my warm touch. His breath came rougher now. “I promised we would try,” he whispered, suddenly tense. “If… if I do anything wrong, if I hurt you, you must tell me at once…” At that moment I had such a wet center that all I could think of was his throbbing member.

Now THAT’S the story I always wanted. Don’t want me to stop!? Okay:

“Don’t be afraid,” I murmured. “We belong together.” I was abruptly overwhelmed by the truth of my own words. And by the heat radiating from my wet sex. This moment was so perfect, so right, there was no way to doubt it.

NOW the story is perfect!!! Actually, if you did think my addition to the quotes added an element to the story you were really missing, it’s probably time you donate your stack of $3.99 paperbacks from Wal-mart to a local dumpster. Maybe we want to know MORE of what happened, but have you ever read a book that’s delivered the goods without going the ‘way of the shaft?’ I’ve read some HOT book sex scenes. I remember story time at the beach while on vacation with friends when ItalianGirl read a scene out loud of sex & cigarettes while riding horseback. It was GREAT- but the word “Shaft” was used like 120 times. Seriously. We get it. The dude has a big one. You liked it, female protagonist.

Isn’t the “fade to sad” why we love the #LegHitch so much!? It’s something FINALLY worthy of interest for those 14 or older that goes down between Edward & Bella. And we hold our breath and wait while Edward’s hand trails down Bella’s calf and under her knee to pull up her leg and hitch it around his hip. SQUEE! As (mostly) grown, experienced women, that sort of stuff shouldn’t excite us the way it does. But it DOES. And I’m so glad. It reminds me of my innocence so long gone. And while I want more- and REALLY want to know what happens in Stephenie’s mind (There’s a pool in Arizona that had Isle Esme acted out in its entirety I’m SURE!) if the options are “Fade to Sad” vs “Fade to Shaft…” wellllll, I guess I’ll take sad.

His arms wrapped around mine, holding me against him, summer and winter. It felt like every nerve ending in my body was a live wire. “Forever,” he agreed, and then pulled us gently into the deeper water. And onto his shaft.

Sorry! Couldn’t resist!

Love,
UnintendedChoice

PS: I asked for Mr. Choice to suggest “non-perverse but totally gross sex words” to help me with this letter & while I appreciated his desire to help….. well, no… I did not use his suggestions!

So what do you think? Ever read a non-shaft-mentioning sex story that WASN’T worthy of Fabio on the cover? Think Breaking Dawn could have added a bit more details and stayed the way of the Twilight Saga- innocent yet filled with sexual tension? How upset WERE you that Breaking Dawn ended up “Fading to Sad?”

Did you know we sell “Fade to Sad” Stuff in our LTT_LTR store! Fade to Sad today!!!

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

177 Commented


News on Breaking Dawn Production aka NO news on Breaking Dawn Production!

Dear Twilight and well, Breaking Dawn I suppose…

Today two posts came out referencing news behind the production of Breaking Dawn. While a few months ago we all thought making BD was a foregone conclusion and Summit was just waiting for New Moon to shatter box office records to make it official it’s been almost a month and a half since New Moon’s release and still no announcement. Since news on the twi front has been about as sparse as smiles at a KStew photoshoot, so any sort of news to come out will indefinitely make waves. But after reading both posts from the bitchtastic Ted C and a dude in his mom’s basement in North East Philly we learn… exactly… NOTHING. Why yes, it’s like a Robsten rumor… a lot of drama, a lot of words, a lot of retweets, a lot of “maybe’s” but no actual substance or truth. Someone at the LA Times spoke with producer Wyck Godrey and got this bit of totally evasive information regarding the splitting of BD into two films  “…If it’s not organic, I don’t think it will be done, and if it is, it will be…” Wow, heavy.

Breaking Dawn = tons more creepy images made by fans!

So we still don’t know if it will be made into two films (please say yes), whether Summit will hire geneticists to create a human vampire hybrid in their lair of doom (aka studio offices in Santa Monica) to play Renesmee, whether Taylor Lautner will in fact act out imprinting on a newborn baby, if Nikki Reed and KStew can patch up their differences long enough to play convincing as frenemies on screen, will Jacob and Leah spend 3/4ths of the movie running around the perimeter of the Cullen’s house “on patrol” thus reenacting the most boring parts of BD, will there be a behind the scene documentary on the making of Isle Esme which features all the “fade to black” scenes they cut out?

Sooooo many questions and ZERO answers.

Find out what we DO know about Breaking Dawn after the jump
Continue…

240 Commented


Twilosophy: Charlie & Renee – a parenting cop out?

Dear Twilosophy Majors,

My good pal nopaperkg has just recently begun reading Breaking Dawn and on our road trip back from the holiday break she turned on her copy of the Breaking Dawn audiobook. While the audiobook version is a whole ‘nother post for a different day suffice it to say it got me thinking again about the saga through new eyes. Something about hearing a woman imitating a man’s voice or maybe hearing the only book in the saga I’ve read once being dramatically read to me gave it new life. And it brought up some of my old questions I had that started back in the Twilight book. We listened to the chapter of Breaking Dawn where Charlie sees Bella for the first time since she’s been changed into a Vampire. He tells Bella that the less he knows the better. And so that got me to thinking…

Is Charlie’s (and for that matter Renee’s) parenting style a cop out? Now obviously, I’m not a parent, and who knows if I ever will be one, but I know from having a couple of really good parents of my own that none of this shiz Bella tries to pull would NEVER have flown. The “less I know, the better” would NOT have happened in my house. Especially if I supposedly came down with some tropical disease on my honeymoon that required me to go to the center of disease control. RIGHT. My mom would have beat me to the center before I ever got there. And the whole Renesmee is our maybe daughter/maybe niece who grows at an unnatural rate and has a betrothed that is a werewolf on the side. Nope, don’t want to know anything about it, TMI! YEA RIGHT.

Hey baby, I'll maybe see you in 2 years when you graduate. Oh wait, I won't.

Let’s take it back to New Moon. Had my boyfriend dumped me and left me in the woods which would lead me into a downward depression spiral my mom would have been on the first plane out. Especially if months went by where I became a zombie with night terrors and a penchant for dangerous after school activities. Is Charlie not sharing the whole truth with Renee? Is she too busy in Jacksonville with Phil the minor league baseball player to care about her child who is hurting?

Read more Twilosophy after the jump
Continue…

173 Commented


Wednesday LTT Twivia

Dear LTTers who need a refresher,

Tonight after I rocked the mic with Bon Jovi at our first ever LTT karaoke party in Los Angeles, some of the gals decided to do a little “Twivia” aka: Twilight Trivia. The loser had to down a really gross shot. I knew NONE of the answers. I was ashamed. And also kinda tipsy, so I blamed it on the Goose. But it got me thinking that maybe it was time for a refresher.  New Moon is coming out in less than 48 hours (YAY!) and SOME of us are re-reading it, but maybe it would be good to go over some of the most common questions that people have about the Twilight Saga- specifically about Breaking Dawn and all the love-making in front of a fire on a bear skin rug that apparently goes on.

I consulted my favorite source for quality questions and answers, Wikianswers and just know that the following information will be of great value for your life.

(Note: These are actual questions I found followed by actual answers by WikiAnswers users. MY response is in purple below the real answer)

BreakinDawnFamily

Breaking Dawn might not come out because this is creepy as f*ck


Q
Why might breaking dawn not come out?

A:  Well on YouTube, it shows trailers of Breaking Dawn. Even pictures of the Reneesme'(s) playing Reneesme; so I’m pretty sure they are making Breaking Dawn in to a movie. I’ve seen the trailer’s for Breaking Dawn, and they totally relate to the book. The actors work on all the movies together, to get it done faster and to make more money, So they could be making Breaking Dawn right now.

On you tube there’s also a video of me with an Edward Cullen life-sized cut out holding hands and kissing in my bed. And that’s true- I am Edward Cullen’s real-life girlfriend, so I guess everything on you tube is rightt. So yes, Breaking Dawn must be coming out soon.

Q In Breaking Dawn do they describe the sex scene?

A: The sex scene in Breaking Dawn is described to some extent, however, Stephenie Meyer doesn’t go into very explicit details. She describes the before and the after scenes, and it does say that they had sex.But you know if bella skipped a period, that means she had sex and she’s pregnant.

Oh S*it. Is that what it means? I hear that sometimes though when you throw up to stay skinny you can skip a period. Maybe that’s why I haven’t gotten mine the past few months. What about this growing bump around my tummy though? Does Stephenie explain what that is? And I also hear that if you ride horses a lot when you’re younger you can lose your virginity. Is this true?

Q What is the name of Carlisle Cullen’s father?

A: Never told – But rumored to be Ptolemy, Which mean’s to Hunt, war, war like, and aggressive.

Wow- Twi-dork of the day award. Also, I agree. Ptolemy was a really popular name in London in the 1640s. Wasn’t it King Edward IV, then King George, King Charles then King Ptolemy?

Read more after the jump! Continue…

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