Twilight Eats the month of June Part 2

Dear Month of June,

Last week I started talking about where you went and while I wrote about it, another month passed by- or so it seemed. Turns out the month was SO big that I had to split it into Two parts. This is part 2! Make sure you check out part 1 if you haven’t yet!

We last left off when Jackson when eye f*cking me, the Twilight SUPERFAN (Oh, did I fail to mention the eye F*cking. It was ON bigtime. AND I was all for it cause he was hot. 5’8″ tall, but hot) Don’t worry if you feel like you’re in the 60s during these pictures. This was actually in 2010…

Before I left for LA, I got my first UPS delivery at my new apartment. It was a Box of Crap from Stephenie. Stephenie sent us home with a duffel bag full of crap from the interview, but this was a BOX of crap. And it was filled with amazingness: Twi-Shirts from Nordstrom, make-up, books, an Edward DUVET cover, lap top skins, iPhone covers, New Moon Scene-it. You name it, we got it (No, Rob wasn’t in there).

#LEGHITCH2010

Finally! It was here! First thing on the agenda, a meeting of the “Espilce Accountability Partners”

I sat there for about 30 minutes before I had the balls to ask someone what in the hell that meant. I’ll wait until you figure it out: Got it!? Thank Obird & Janetrigs for that brilliance!

Then, it was time for CARNE ASADAS and our LTT House-Party! Yes we went deep into the lair & invited everyone from #LEGHITCH2010 plus anyone in the LA area to Moon’s house for a big Mexican-food themed party. It wouldn’t have happened with KrazyKidd and her KRAZY skills at getting us a deal on bags of meat at Mexican markets!! We featured a vodka concoction made by Mr. Choice that he somehow turned red & named, “Bella’s Blood,” 6 pitchers of Sangria brought by a girl who doesn’t even drink, an LTT cake brought by Brookelockart:

Custom cookies brought by @lonestarkendall

(Why, yes those are jorts, Ranier beer, a peacoat & a bed with gold brocade bedding)

THEN WE MET JORDAN THE UNICORN (who hugs better than anyone EVER- psst for you newbies- Jordan is our first Unicorn EVER)

We made EVERYONE wear Name tags

We rule

There was also a cake that said OLE- you know.. it was Mexican night! Plus we featured some LTT Trivia and gave away prizes (holla big bags/boxes of crap from Stephenie Meyer!) where Jordan the Unicorn got the question correct that we thought to be the hardest of the evening (The Date LTT started: 12/8/08!)

So very much more after the jump! Continue…

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Jimmy Fallon is SUCH a Twilight fanboy!

Nouget-about-it!

Dear Jimmy Fallon,

First off I heart your show! If anyone had to take the late night spot of my beloved Conan, I’m glad its you. While your hair doesn’t stand up to the fabulous red heights of CoCo’s beautiful soft serve ice cream cone of a hairdo, your humor does. I cant tell you how many times me and my friends yell out “BOTHERED” on a daily basis or “hungerectomy” (when you get your hunger removed, naturally) or “snacklish” (I learned my first word in Snacklish: it’s BOTHERED!) and beg everyone we know to visit Robertisbothered.com just so they can participate in the awesomeness of “pumpkins are dumb fat squashes!” Now, we originally thought you were jumping on the Twilight/Rob bandwagon because it’s the (sorta, if you’re a major nerd like us) hip thing right now and heck, if we’re all honest anything Twilight will get you mad viewers.

But I was so wrong.

but really what's it like being with EDWARD CULLEN?! Does he really sparkle?

You didn’t make Robertisbothered.com or have Taylor and Kristen on your show just because you wanted viewers. You did it cause you’re SUCH A FANBOY!!! It’s alright to admit it, I watched your interviews with both Kristen and Taylor and I could see it in your eyes. You had the look of a Twimom who’d been standing in line at a Hot Topic for 10 days just to get the new Jacob doll or to get your DVD signed by Bob the Electrician #3 on the film. Trust me, I’m a seasoned professional Twilight outer, I can see this stuff a mile away.  So when you started acting all nervous and dorky (more than usual) around Kristen I knew you had it BAD. You talked about the good stuff like Bon Iver (though KStew didn’t know the backstory) and you had her throw footballs at plates (aka what the UC & Moon’s talk show would consist of) I just wished you had freaked her and Taylor out with some super creepo detailed fan questions such as:

  • “So have you thought about how you’re going to act out a half human, half vampire baby is eating its way out of your uterus?
  • Seriously, fade to black?! Don’t you agree Kristen, Stephenie Meyer is such a cock block there?!
  • Taylor, you’re gonna imprint on a newborn baby, don’t you find it funny that after protecting you for the last year, Chris Hansen is gonna be chasing after YOU now?! Cause I’m dying thinking of the irony here.
  • So what’s Buttcrack Santa really like!? SPILL!

Read the rest and watch some videos of awesomeness after the cut

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Is Twilight a Chick Flick?

Dearr LTT-ers, Frequently we open the mail bag to bring you letters from our readers. Today’s letter is from K who argues that Twilight is a chick flick and should NOT be watched by watched or the books read by guys. Read her letter and tell us what you think. XO-Moon

dvdcover

For ladies only?

Dear UC and Moon,

Due to a recent development in my love life (thank goodness, right? I was getting a little bored with a lack of one) I think I’ve come to a realization, and that is this:  I don’t want to date a unicorn.  :o  *gasp!*  I know, right?!

We adore our beloved unicorns.  We encourage them.  We create them (to the best of our abilities).  So why on earth wouldn’t I want my new interest to become one?
Lets face it:  Twilight is a chick flick.  Movie and books both.  There’s absolutely no arguing against that.  I don’t care how many wired stunts, mirror crashing action, and buttcrack santa jokes you throw in there; it’s still one of the biggest chick flicks ever.  I’ve heard so many people try and argue this point and fight against, but truth is truth.  So without further adieu, I give you my stance.
You know it’s a chick flick when:
  • it’s a love story
  • the fan base is undeniably, predominantly female and has a “tween” rep
  • you here shrieks of glee when the title flashes across the screen
  • the lead male is frequently referred to as “beautiful” on and off screen
  • it inspires products like lip gloss and shimmer powder
  • the lead male sparkles
  • the lead female is fully clothed for over 95% of the movie.
  • there’s a prom scene and no one dies (so close bella)
  • the subjects discussed between characters include dresses, boobs, characters’ relationship status’, and the swim team’s peens.
  • the dialogue includes words and terms like “irrevocably”, “matriculate”, “masochistic”, “Debussy”, and “spidermonkey”.
  • there’s more silent, awkward turtle, moments then there is action
  • the only weapons are mind powers which do not translate visually.
  • fans constantly fight over who’s the dreamiest
  • it takes place in a forest setting and there’s no sign of elves, dwarves, or an extra-terrestrial fought by a commando who states “If it bleeds, you can kill it.”
And lets face it, as far as chick flicks go, this one is unconditionally and irrevocably one of the chick-iest of them all.  Which brings me back to why I would never date a unicorn.  Girls always talk about how they want a sensitive guy, who’s not afraid to show his emotions, or cry.  Fine, good, be sweet and adorable and cry when your puppy gets hit by a car, but for the love of all that is good and right in this world, do not run out of the room in horror when a spider is spotted and do NOT like Twilight.
Dear all future boyfriends….

 

Follow the cut to see what boyfriends should NOT do!
Continue…

178 Commented


Stuff guys say about Twilight: The Sparkly version

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If only I could sparkle like Edward...

Dear women of LTT,

Has it seemed to you like guys are saying less and less about Twilight? My husband hasn’t said anything remotely sarcastic about it in weeks. Maybe it’s because the hype has died down a bit- it’s like the calm before the storm of New Moon hits. Or maybe *brilliant thought alert* our guys have seen the New Moon clips and are so impressed by the wolves and so unimpressed by Edward’s airbrushed abs that they’re re-thinking their mantra of “Must make fun of Twilight and sparkly vampires- no matter the cost.” And you know there are guys out there that have said, after seeing the clips of Edward shirtless (or finding your homemade, shirtless Edward bookmark in your Bible), “That’s it!? That’s what turns you on? Babe, give me two days to work off this Hot Pocket & Heineken gut, and I’ll show you something to get turned on about.” Right, that’s the same.

Anyway, to remind us of how much guys love to talk about how Edward sparkles & to get us excited for all the amazing things guys are going to say about New Moon, I’ve come across a few unshared stories about stuff guys say about Twilight. Can we start taking bets NOW on how long after New Moon is released it will be before we start hearing “I’ll show you a New Moon” while our guy bends over and pulls down his pants? Oh- today’s images brought to you by google image searching “Edward Sparkles”

Seriously corpse-looking Edward: Any funny business and I'll say "Cookie."

Seriously corpse-looking Edward: Any funny business and I'll say "Cookie."

Jennifer’s convo with her moisturized man:

So, I get up in the morning and shower for work and I notice that my last bottle of Caress Shimmering Body Lotion is nearly empty and propped upside down in the shower caddy. Well, I didn’t do that, so my first guess was that the husband did. *ahem*

So the next day, I made a quip about how my lotion was almost gone “The shimmery lotion …” I said, trying to make him feel gay for using glitter.

So he says, “It was the only lotion there was! I think you just wanted me to sparkle like Edward.”

During a recent viewing of Twilight, Twisted Larissa had the following conversation:

Boyfriend: Are you seriously watching this again?
Me: Shut up
Boyfriend: Why doesnt he just do her instead of flying across the room like a dumbass?
Me: He cant…its complicated…he loves her but the smell of her…
Boyfriend: Nevermind its gay. Plus he sparkles
Me: You wouldnt understand
Boyfriend
: I understand that the fag wont just do her, she obviously wants it
Me: Ugh why cant you be more like Edward
Boyfriend: Edward? Is that the cute shirtless indian?
Me: Who’s gay now?
And a Unicorn, who is potentially my uncle, shares his story:

hellnoDear LTT,

After months of prodding my wife “leveraged” me into reading Twilight by rewarding me for each chapter. Hell, for that I would read the entire Jane Austen collection. But I digress. As far as the Twilight series…let me sum it up:

  • Bella, annoying teenager that I don’t understand.
  • Edward, a girly vampire (did I mention he is very attractive and sparkles…it was pretty much a sub-plot of the book).
  • Jacob, seems like a cool hairy guy except for his obsession with Bella, but seems to be the only one that a real man would come close to relating to.

The books were a quick read and not all that bad, except for the 45 page tirades about how good Edward looked, or how good he smelled, or how good of a person he was, or how noble he was, or …you get the point. So other than that, the 25 remaining pages of Twilight were tolerable. I just still do not understand what all the fuss is about. I mean, I tried rubbing glitter all over my body to see if it would make me more attractive during a recent trip to the park. I am of Scandanavian decent so I already have the paleness! All I got was a lot of curious stares…perhaps I should have used more hairgel. That must have been the problem.

At any rate, I told my wife that I would gladly escort her to the New Moon premiere as long as I can write “Team Jacob” down my arms and debate with teenage girls about the merits of why Edward is a virus carrying pedophile.

Sincerely,
A pale Sparkly Team Jacob Member

This Unicorn’s email address said his name was the same as my uncles. I had a panic attack. Seriously. His email address even looked like my uncles. So I wrote him back saying this:

Dear Team Jacob member who has the same name as my uncle & is really creeping me out that you might actually be my uncle so if you happen to have 3 children & live in Pennsylvania let’s just keep this between us. At thanksgiving I won’t mention Team Jacob & you don’t mention knowing I lust over Rob Pattinson. Capiche?,

Hugs… see ya at Mom-moms,
UC

So is it just my guy who has stopped talking about Twilight!? What have your guys talked about lately? Oh, and Bobbygee- we’re counting on you to give us something good today!

Love,
UnintendedChoice

After the jump, find out who won our cafe-press T-shirt contest! Continue…

164 Commented


Unicorns: Where've ya been?

Rob-icorn

Rob-icorn

Dear Unicorns,

Oh where oh where have you been? Are you in unicorn land poking all the hottest female unicorns with your horn? It’s been so long since we’ve come across one of you reading Twilight to your son on a plane or wearing an Edward Cullen T-shirt to the gym. We miss you. Come back & visit us. Be like these guys:

Not Proper Twitiquette (but possibly okay during a Unicorn Drought)

A few weeks ago, I was at the local grocery chain, doing my weekly shopping. On my way out the door, I crossed paths with what I could only describe as a walking cry for help. A middle-aged, nerdy, rather-greasy man walked into the store, displaying his Twi-love for all to see. He wore a black Edward t-shirt, complete with quote, “What if I’m the bad guy?” His wife, walking in beside him, strangely had no Twi-gear on (unless she also keeps her Edward pin affixed to her bra). As you discussed, THIS is not proper Twitiquette. -Ldawg

Jacob’s into cars n’ stuff

Onto my Unicorn-in-Training story. After many months of plotting, I was finally able to convince my hub to just give the first book a try. Oh, it took many discussions on the merits of a teen, vampire romance as a metaphor for first love, forbidden fruit, all the rest. And a promise of some…erm…reward at the end if he finished it.

So, it was slow-going at first, but to my surprise, he actually seemed to be enjoying it; to the point when at night if I tried to talk to him in bed he told me, “honey, I need to read a bit.” Wow! Occasionally I’d get questions like, “What is Bella’s problem? One day she’s mooning over Edward, the next she’s pissed at him!” I even got, “Are they going to do more with Jacob in the others books? I really like how he’s into cars and stuff.”

When he finished the book, we had a truly meaningful discussion on it, and although he told me not to get my hopes up, he said he’s actually interested to see what happens next! Am I a lucky gal or what?! -Ldawg

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