STRIPWARD Lives

Dear Twilight,

I never thought writing a blog that obsessed over a young adult novel about vampires would one day lead me into a chat room where a man would strip while me and other fans of said novel and blog whistled, cat called and virtually shoved dollar bills into his pants. To say I am thankful and not sure how anyone could top this would be downplaying it.

All names and identities will remain concealed but he will forever be known as STRIPWARD!
stripchat01e
Shyly he introduced himself to us. We think he’s definitely Team Jacob.

stripchat02e
Not so shy after all!

stripchat03e

Then we moved to the interview portion of the show as we asked him questions pertaining to dumpsters, his stance on raybans and button flys and whether or not he should be wearing socks.

Somewhere, today, I’m sure Stripward is crying naked in the bathtub in the fetal position after meeting us but we love you and don’t feel wrong about something that feels so right!

Special thanks to all the ladies who shared this moment together! You know who you are and I love you!

Yes my friends it has been a remarkable week in my own personal Twilight world. Stay tuned on Monday I will bring you my Comic Con letter/review/general fangirlness!

Pour some sugar on him me!
Themoonisdown

PS He’s no StripWard but he’ll always be our RobWard… read a letter to our main man at Letters to Rob!

Chat over the weekend and order your own Stripward at The Forum!

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Stuff guys say about Twilight and about me meeting Rob

This unicorn needs to call me. I need new content

This unicorn needs to call me. I need new content

Dear LTTers,

I have a confession to make. After 6 and 1/2 months of blogging at least once a day about Twilight-related stuff, sometimes it’s difficult to come up with content. So occasionally….. I force it. I’ll check my favorite Twilight Saga blogs: NewMoonMovie or TwiCrackAddict and read a headline like “Solomon Trimble: coming to a K-mart near you” and run to my husband and say “Great news! Solomon Trimble, the guy who played Sam (we think) in Twilight but didn’t get rehired b/c he wasn’t studly enough, is gonna be folding sheets in the Martha Stewart section in the Kmart up in Qtown.” Then I wait. What used to happen is that my husband would say something funny. Then I’d say “YES!” and quickly run to draft up a post on my computer. But he’s caught on. He no longer responds to me whenever I mention anything Twilight-related (However, he does respond whenever I mention Rob. He says “He’s a tool”)

So me catching “stuff guys say about Twilight” hasn’t been happening as naturally as it once did. However, it’s been my lucky week because I’ve just captured 3 gems:

1. My friend Jen e-mailed me a little story about the guy who sits next to her at work. He heard on the radio that Rob’s abs were airbrushed on in the New Moon Volterra scene and was appalled. Then this conversation happened between Jen, a girlfriend & her guyfriend:

Girlfriend: (saying to Jen) Hey Arizona, how you likin’ the rain? (UC Note: I can’t even count the number of ‘arizona how you likin’ the rain’ and ‘forks-like weather’ references I’ve heard recently in Pennsylvania. It hasn’t stopped raining for a month)
Guyfriend
: What are you girls talking about?
Jen
: Twilight
Guyfriend
: Oh geez. Yeah, rain…I hope he gets caught in the rain and it washes his airbrushed abs off. Maybe I’ll airbrush 3 extra feet on myself (Jen note: Joe is 5’4″ tall)

See what else guys say after the jump! Continue…

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Celebrating Memorial Day with Twilight!

And I'm proud to be an American where at least I know I'm free...

And I'm proud to be an American where at least I know I'm free...

Dear Military service people, fallen heroes, deceased vampires and those who have gone before us-

Today is Memorial Day here in the states, it’s a day set aside to remember the past, people who have passed on in our lives and also to thank our service men and women for protecting and serving. We here at Letters to Twilight and Letters to Rob salute you and thank you for you service to our country! Without people like you we wouldn’t be free to profess our love for a British Boy, wear cute outfits like Ms. Stewart over there, or be free to write a snarky blog about vampires.

Today we’ve dragged Kristen Stewart out in her campy military finest to pay special tribute to the following:

James – You certainly made for interesting sport and fodder for the first book/movie but I have to say I’m glad your creepy trailer trash-y self won’t be around for another movie

Victoria – We will most definitely miss your faboo hair after Edward rips you limb from limb in Eclipse. It’ll be awesome but we’ll miss seeing a kick ass girl uh well… kicking ass!

Harry Clearwater - we barely knew ye… but anyone who fathered Seth Clearwater, makes the best fish fry in Forks and is Charlie’s BFF MUST be good people!

Jasper Whitlock – Thank you for your valiant service as a major in the Confederate Army before you were unceremoniously turned into a vampire and then helped train and lead the New Born Army… though I’m not quite sure that kind of army is something we celebrate on Memorial Day but we’ll use any excuse to talk about Jasper

Army Unicorn – our very own unicorn commenter who happens to serve and protect each day in the US Army. We <3 ya!

Have a wonderful holiday… cook lots of cured meats and we’ll see you back here tomorrow and back to our regularly scheduled programming
XO
Themoonisdown

PS Don’t forget to check out Letters to Rob and see what’s cooking over there for Memorial Day
Chat it up in the forum!

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Free Therapy for the Twilight Lover

Dear needy Twilighters,

Q: "Why don't the Twi boys like ME?" A: "Screw them. Come visit our Unicorns at LTT!"

Ashley Greene on my couch: Q: "Why don't the Twi boys like ME?" A: "Screw them. Come visit our Unicorns at LTT!"

We really should start charging. I mean every day we get e-mails and comments from people all over the globe thanking us for giving them an outlet for their Twi-(and Rob) session & an opportunity to connect with other people “just like them.” I mean, people who meet on LTR & LTT are meeting up all over the country- 4 gals met in Nashville last weekend. Two met for lunch a few days ago. One of our forum mods is flying to visit an LTR buddy she met just 2 months back. And any day we expect an invitation from either ArmyUnicorn or Jordan for their wedding to a girl they met on LTT. People pay good money for this kind of therapy! Why are we doing it for free? (Note to Moon: write down in Twidea book “start charging a LOT of money for services offered.”

We just want to share a little story with you so that you know what CAN happen if you listen to your Aunt UnintendedChoice and Aunt TheMoonisDown.  All your dreams can come true:

About a month ago, we received a comment on LTT from a new reader. She said,

I am writing to ask for your help. I previously wrote to tell you that I was new to Twilight and really enjoyed y’alls site. That enjoyment is quickly turning into obsession, as I can easily tell has happened to millions.

I really enjoyed your post about being well-rounded, great ideas! I just can’t seem to get enough and it is totally affecting so many parts of my life. In some ways, it is wonderful…..others, distracting. I was recently snow sking while on vacation with my family. I spent so much of the time thinking about how I could squeeze in Twilight. I would listen to the soundtrack while skiing, think about it on the lift, on the slopes. My husband is very understanding and he even built me an Edward snowman and made a comment that the snow sparkled like Edward.

Since I am “new” to all this, I am curious to know how long I should expect this obsession to last. I spend every free moment I have reading the books…again, watching the movie….again, looking at websites…again. When does it get easier? When can I pull myself away? Thanks so much for any help you can lend. I truly appreciate the dedication and commitment you have to people like me! -dazzled

I put on my glasses, pulled my hair up into a sexy loose bun, straightened out the pillows on my therapy couch then had my way with Rob on it invited dazzled to hear my amazing (free) advice:

Hmm… good question! The major obsession will pass… eventually, but if it’s really affected you, which is seems like it has, you might just have to figure out how to balance it in your life. My suggestion- try reading another book. It will be hard, but it will be good for you! Turn off the soundtrack- maybe try something FROM the soundtrack- Mutemath or Muse? Tell yourself you can only look online for twilight news 3 days a week…. It’ll pass.. but it sounds like it might be with you for awhile!

Problem solved. NEXT for the couch: Pattinson Pants lady wants to know if she should or should not wear her Pattinson Pants when she meets Pattinson. Um, hell no. You’re crazy.

After the jump, see the update we just got this week from our “client” dazzled.

Continue…

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How to create your very own Unicorn

Dear “All the single (LTT) ladies,”

I know. It’s rough out there. You meet a nice fella, and he takes you out, but it just doesn’t feel right. He took you to a day-time baseball game so clearly he doesn’t sparkle. In like 10 minutes he consumed 3 cheeseburgers and 4 hot dogs with chilli & onions on top, so obviously he’s not a “vegetarian.”  He didn’t seem very interested in finding out what was hidden in your mind, and you’re pretty sure he grabbed the beer girl’s ass when he thought you weren’t looking. Is it you? Is chivalry dead? Are your expectations too high because of that vampire story you blew through in a weekend? Yeah, probably. (But in the case of this baseball date-dude, he sounds like a fat slob, so good call on saying no to date #2).

Would you like this to be your Unicorn?

Would you like this to be your Unicorn?

It’s safe to say that the Twilight Saga has created some unrealistic expectations of men for many women. (A week or so ago Lauren from Lauren’s Bite wrote a great bit about this very topic.) We think we know the solution to your problem- what you really need: A Unicorn of your very own!

If you’re new to LTT/LTR you’re probably asking what the H a Unicorn is. Well, check out our first post about a Unicorn here, but basically a Unicorn is a mythical creature- something no one is really sure actually exists. Aka: A man who reads, loves or watches Twilight.  Unicorns tend to hang out at airports, but we’ve spotted them a few other places over the past few months, including on our very own blog! (If all this time you’ve been thinking we’re talking about the “unicorns” in the fan ficton Wide Awake well, you would be wrong (and kinda perverted)! If you’re unfamiliar with what a unicorn is in Wide Awake… I’ll tell you when you’re older)

As a young married gal (not to a unicorn but to a guy who says stuff about rob) who runs a blog where unicorns like to lurk, I feel I am appropriate skilled in the art of making a unicorn. You can call me your guru, I won’t mind.

This Unicorn would like to be your lover

This Unicorn would like to be your lover

Step 1: (cut a hole in the box) Find yourself a male. Any male will do, but it would be best if he’s someone you could see yourself gettin’ it on with (cuz that’s what happens with me as your guru). Don’t worry if he seems a little out of your league. I’m the best at this, I assure you.

Step 2: Invite this outta-your-league guy over to your home. Tell him Ashley Greene is going to be there (“we’re going to lie”- name that quote!)

Step 3: Get him liquored up. Offer him any type of alcohol he’d like. When he asks where Ashley is, tell him she was swinging by to pick up Kristen, Rachelle & Nikki and they said to start without them.

Step 4: Keep him drinking until he passes out. Once he does, figure out a way to tie him up nice and tight. (An older brother or a burly man would be helpful in this step- ooh- you can ask the fat slob from your baseball date!)

Step 5:  When he awakens from his drunken slumber, tell him he isn’t allowed to leave until he reads all 4 books AND watches the movie (and the ET New Moon specials). If he resists, tell him the Twi-girls asked him too. Tell them they’ll reenact the scene in the middle of Eclipse when all the lesbian vampires get it on (“we’re going to lie”)

Step 6: A Unicorn is Born!

I was discussing this post with my husband trying to get some creative “how to make a unicorn” ideas and he said,

Mr. Choice:  A dude isn’t going to go hang out with some ugly chick and watch Twilight just because there’s beer there. Nobody likes beer that much.

Eff him. So I asked,

Me: What if it was a hot girl?

Mr. Choice: If he thought if he was going to be able to hook-up with her.”

Ask this Unicorn for a unicorn

Ask this Unicorn for a unicorn

As a result of this conversation I have another method for you to try which might possibly be more effective:

Step 1: Get hot (if you’re not already)

Step 2: Invite outta-your-league guy over to your home with no mention of Ashley Greene

Step 3: Tell him that if he watched Twilight with you, you’ll hook-up with him after.

Step 4: Ride ‘em hard.

Step 5: A unicorn is made (hopefully both kinds)

Told you I was a guru.

Love,
UnintendedChoice

Thanks to LaPush baby for the idea!

Coincidentally, the DAY I wrote this, ArmyUnicorn (our latest unicorn on LTT) wrote a how-to-guide for creating your own unicorn.  Although, I think mine is more realistic (and his doesn’t include Step #4 of my second method) his is kinda decent. Read after the jump!

Continue…

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