What do you MEAN “Jorts” isn’t an acceptable term??

Dear NPR,

Usually I agree with everything you say & do. Especially when it comes to making Steve Inskeep belly laugh at 7:45 in the morning.* But THIS:

“The Associated Press Stylebook is the media’s go-to guide for things like grammar and punctuation, and it’s often revised to keep up with vernacular. Its 2012 edition includes a chapter on fashion, and in a Twitter chat this week the AP declared “jeggings” an OK word for the trendy hybrid of leggings and jeans. It added that “jorts” is not an OK term for jean shorts.

from this story is just WRONG.

What do you MEAN “JORTS” isn’t an okay term?

Try telling that to the makers of this terrible Jorts-Twilight parody:

Try telling that to the Wolfpack:

JortsPack

Try telling that to Wyck & Stephenie Meyer:

Try telling that to this creepy hand-drawn picture of Jacob & Renesmee:

he BETTER be wearing jorts here

 Try telling that to the man who owns a thermos with this saying printed on it:

 or any of these Jorts Products on Cafe Press

And are you saying that guy who got this Jorts tattoo made a MISTAKE?

NPR: Take it back please. Send me Ryan Gosling covered in Hey Girl NPR sayings please as a token of your sorrow, and I might be able to begin to forgive you.

Yours always, especially when I’m in my jorts,

UnintendedChoice

I miss talking about Jorts. Clearly. Thanks James for sending in this story!!

*If you laugh at Steve Inskeep early in the morning like me, let’s be BFFs, please.

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Red Riding Hood or Twilight or just plain awesomely awful? I can’t decide

(Total spoilers ahead if you really wanted to see Red Riding Hood unspoiled)

Director of Twilight you say???

Dear Catherine Hardwicke,

Sooooo I saw your latest movie Red Riding Hood on Saturday and let me just say WOW. And then I’m going to follow that with WHAT WERE YOU THINKING???!!!!!?!?! My friend and I decided to hit up a matinee of Red Riding Hood based on an interesting trailer and our love for cute boys in fantasy type films. We smuggled in some Haribo and Diet Cokes and it was ON. The opening credits rolled and we both turned to each other and said “what movie are we watching?” Cause the opening sequence could have been lost footage from the first Twilight film, all that was missing was that Black Ghosts song and Charlie picking Bella up in the squad car. BUUTTT what do you know ol Charlie I mean… whatever Billy Burke’s character’s name is was THE DAD! Anyway, so you love a good overhead helicopter shot of snowy woods on mountain tops, I can understand that and really the Twilight rip off aren’t the issue. When we’re only 5 minutes into a film and the audience is openly laughing out loud at what’s supposed to be a dramatic movie, you know something has gone horribly wrong. The last time I saw a movie where people laughed out loud like this was Crossroads with Britney Spears in the early 2000′s. Yikes! And yet again we turned to each other but this time it was my pal saying “this is really awful, isn’t it?” Um, yea pal it is AWESOMELY AWFUL! We’re talking Syfy Channel level of awesomely awful! It was like we were watching The Village meets Ring of Nibelungs meets Twilight.
.

Say it! Out Loud! SAY IT: Fairey Tale!

The Twilight similarities could go on for days beyond the opening title sequence and Billy Burke being the Dad to the insane amount of close ups of the eyes to the werewolf looking like a first draft of the New Moon wolves to the MEADOW scene with Amanda Seyfried and Edward #2 (he was second in line for Edward after Rob!) to the love triangle to the “say it out loud” part to werewolves to the “specially abled kid.” Ok, so there wasn’t a specially abled kid in Twilight, unless you consider BooBoo/Seth special.
.
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Now why don't you try acting more like ME this time...

I won’t even go into the REALLY awkwardly sexual town dance sequence (that I’ve since reenacted twice for friends) but that’s about the moment I had an epiphany. Red Riding Hood is really the film adaptation of your cougar lady Ren. Faire Harlequin romance novel fan fic you wrote on vacation last year. Cause who really has names like Valerie and Cesaire and Henry and Suzette and Claude if they’re not in a Fanfic or Soap Opera? After I realized THAT it all made sense… the main character was a blond who gets it on with a guy who was almost Edward who has a dad who wakes up in a pile of his own vomit and has a slutty mom. It was YOUR version of Twilight with YOU as the main character… only sadly you are less Aman anda Seyfried and more a younger version of the Grandma. (sad trombone)
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Don't worry Cathi... I mean grandma it's only FREEZING COLD SNOWING outside

Now my only other question remains: is there a lurid audition tape of Shiloh Fernandez and Amanda Seyfriend (Amandiloh? Shiman?) you’re going to hold over theirs heads, refer to and pull out anytime you do press for movies other than Red Riding Hood in the future?

Yup, I thought so.

Still LOL-ing,
Themoonisdown
.

Follow the cut for more questions and observations from Red Riding Hood. I really just couldn’t fit all the awesome into one post
Continue…

93 Commented


News Dump: The one with a lotta Sundance and a lotta Renesmee

Double feature now showing!

Dear LTT-ers,

It’s time to catch up on the news that only needs a sentences worth of discussion. Yes, it’s time for another News Dump! So put on your Bella jacket and mittens cause there’s a whole lotta Sundance!

  • In between holding still for the screenings, Elizabeth talked about Kristen and Mackenzie. Don’t bother watching, it’s everything you expect: “Kristen scared me!” and “She looks like their child!” Boom, saved you 4 minutes!
  • Apparently it must be a Holy Trinity week of filming cause Charlie Bewley is ALSO at Sundance and he dropped this awesome gem when asked about Renesmee:

“I imagine if Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart had a kid it’d be like this grungy…awkward and shy kind of thing,” jokes Charlie Bewley, who plays Demetri in the vampire movie franchise.

Dare to NAIR ladies

  • I’m sure it’s a BIG DEAL that artist Richard Phillips included Rob, Kristen and Dakota on his “Most Wanted” list and created pop images of them but I’m not so sure the girls appreciate the weird shadows on their upper lips that look oddly like mustaches.
  • WHO wasn’t at Sundance? Chaske Spencer ALSO dropped by the gifting suites to debut his new hair and announce he joined Fall Out Boy and will be quitting BD and touring this spring with the band. Then he bequeathed the role of Sam back to Solomon Trimble who clocked out at Home Depot and jumped on Cathi Hardi’s private jet for Sundance. Free shiz it free shiz however you get it.
  • Bella’s house was pulled out of storage (a Vancouver Twimom’s garage) and reconstructed over the last few days. It looks more like a Sears Siding commercial or the AFTER tornado view of Dorothy’s house in Kansas than the home of the Swans.

Things that are important to note from this video:
1. Jackson’s Jasper hair is back. The REAL Jasper hair. Like Twilight Jasper hair. We may need to get a muffin basket together for the BD hair folks
2. The 100 Monkey have a REAL, ACTUAL Tour bus???
3. In 5 years Jackson may be on Dancing with the Stars… or Dancing with the hands-y fans.
4. Who does Jackson give HJ’s to regularly at MTV that the 100 Monkeys keep showing up on this MTV videos?
5. Jackson seems to have dropped the totally over the top accent plus side mouth talking thing a bit. He must read LTT. *Hi Jacky!*
6. That one dude totally wishes he was Jackson. Sorry dude jumping around in the back who’s name I don’t know. Enjoy it while it lasts!
7. Does Jackson have one suitcase fully devoted to his WEIRD hat collection?

  • If you weren’t scared about bringing Breaking Dawn to the big screen you will be after you see this fan art I dug up over at Twifans. WOAH. Someone hold me.
  • BREAKING NEWS: Still no new set pictures or actual evidence that they’re doing anything in Baton Rouge. SHOCKING.

Off to the gifting suites… I mean Sundance!
Themoonisdown

Srsly how are 100 Monkeys still being featured on MTVonline on the regular? I don’t get it.I was mean about Liz’s fivehead but for reals, side sweep, am I right? What say you?

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

214 Commented


Dares for Stephenie Meyer

I’m too busy, LTT

Dear Stephenie Meyer,

In keeping with our refusal to admit you’re too busy being a producer on the set of a hit film for the next 6 months to read LTT every day like you used to, we’d like to continue to pretend we have any influence over your life at all. Cool? Cool.

We just want you to pretend like we don’t know you once admitted to reading LTT and we’ll all act normal. We’ll just continue making you laugh, making fun of something you poured your heart into (that we love almost as much as you do) and we won’t try to influence you at all to get the Breaking Dawn we want. (PUT RAY-BANS ON ROB) It’s more important for you to stay focused on Isle Esme right now so that we all get the most perfect Honeymoon possible (MAKE THE SEX SCENE LIKE THE NOTEBOOK). And then once you’re back in Louisiana on set, focusing on how not to creep the audience out with a half-vampire baby chewing its way out of Kristen’s tummy (PUT EDWARD BACK IN THE CAFETERIA) There are no subliminal messages here. There’s nothing were trying to say in between the lines. We’re offering nothing more than encouragement from the LTT family. (MAKE THE WOLFPACK CALL THEM ‘JORTS’)

But just in case you are bored on set or looking for something to do with your assistant with the cool sweater, Meghan, we’ve come up with a list of activities to pass the time- or maybe we can call them dares. You MADE these actors’ careers- the least you can do is have a little fun with them!

We dare you one day to wear a knot in your tee-shirt for a full day of shooting. Never even look twice when Kristen glares at you for stealing her style. Around lunchtime, on the day he’s visiting the set, ask Big Daddy if the local Olive Garden offers take out & if he knows their number by heart.

We dare you to call Rob, Ron at least 3 times one day. And don’t even be afraid to use the LTT water bottle we gave you back in June. How about next week you work “Tweed serious” into a conversation with Bill Condon. And sigh & shake your head every time you see the girl playing Renesemee, while muttering “Not a newborn child. How hard is it to get a newborn around here?”

We dare you to bring out the Mormon Bible & try to convert Kellan. Or ask him to be accountability partners. Try to see if he wants to start a Wednesday AM Bible Study by the breakfast trailer. I’m sure there’s another gaffer on set who reads the Good Word. Or if you’re really feeling daring, tell Jackson you really dig the 100 Monkeys. Ask about their upcoming album. And try to keep a straight face. Or ask Jackson if he’s heard that catering is serving catfish on Thursday night for dinner.

We dare you to say to Ashley Greene, “You’re dating Joe Jonas, right? But he has a purity ring…*blank stare.* And one day when you’re around Taylor Lautner, we dare you to put on headphones and sing outlaid to “Back to December” by Taylor Swift off key & really loudly.

And on the day the wolfpack is due to shoot their first scene, show up wearing jorts & name one of the pups “The Situation.” Give no explanation. Just start calling him “Sitch” and ask him if he’s found out if any of the new girl hires are DTF.

And while you’re shooting Isle Esme, how about for one day, we dare you to refer to Rob & Kristen as one person: Robsten. For example: “What time is Robsten due to set?” or “Robsten- they’re ready for you!” or “Robsten, I really feel like you need a little more passion in this scene” and “Robsten, you should shake the bed more.”

And while you’re way too busy to be reading LTT patiently waiting for the next LTT to be posted, try not to laugh when you see the wolfpack run around in their shorts, think of a fish with whiskers when you see Jackson on set, get at least one Taylor Swift song stuck in your head every time you’re around Taylor Lautner or crave endless breadsticks when Taylor’s family is around. We dare you.

Love,
UnintendedChoice (and Brookelockart who helped out tremendously with the dares!)

6 months filming is a LONG time! What other stuff should we dare Stephenie Meyer to do while on set!?

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

160 Commented


News Dump, All the Twilight news fit to print: Breaking Dawn and it’s newbies

Just one of the 9823489234 photoshoots this girls been in. Clearly, Alice chose this tophat

Dear LTT-ers

Remember when we started talking about the newbies and the cat and the Ice Truck Killer who were cast in Breaking Dawn? Well, there’s like a butt ton more and we can’t even be bothered with learning them all until they’re seen out with one of the holy trinity at a 100 Monkeys concert and they’re caught in a lurid embrace with a LOD fan club member. BUUTTT there’s a lot of news out about them right now so it’s time for a round of a News Dumo, where we round up all the news they’re in and bring it to you here in one place… with our LTT spin of course!

  • Who hired an escape convict to play a wolfpack member? Hide yo children.
  • Is this dude hot? I can’t figure it out… yes…. no???? yes??? Maybe in that boy in your 10th grade homeroom kind of way? Also wtf does Peter do? Man, I need to brush up on my Breaking Dawn trivia.
  • Remember when Rob had a mullet in that made for TV movie “Ring of Nibelungs?” Why do I get the feeling she was an extra?
  • The fact that this photo was taken like minutes from my house makes me want to punch someone. Thanks for the warning David Slade.
  • Rob and Kristen are gonna have fake sex in Brazil. Start planning your South American vacations now, Robsteners!!! (if you just added Brazil to your travel website alerts after reading this, you’re on “The List”)
  • Ok, he’s not a newbie but we can always use some Robert Pattinson, with a director talking about some school holiday we don’t understand, in our lives

So which of these newbies should we care about enough to start following? Which Vamp witnesses have a big part in the story? And should we start rereading Breaking Dawn together?

Happy Monday!
Themoonisdown

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

99 Commented


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