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Everything's Coming up Roses

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Re: Everything's Coming up Roses

Postby JodieO » Thu Jan 22, 2015 7:22 pm

amynkansas wrote:it's tax time here in the USA. that means the tax forms from Allie's 2014 employers are getting mailed out. We received the first of 3 today. My DH is having a hard time with this. He is usually responsible for filing our taxes. And he would help Allie do hers too. He shared that this will be his last "job" as Allie's dad to help her. He was so upset tonight. We are also in the process of selling her car to Rob's assistant's daughter. This involved going down to the DMV/dept of treasury with forms and death certificate to transfer the title to her beneficiaries (us). Anything that involves her death certificate is painful. Plus she started the registration process of this car but she died before completing it so who knows how hard of a process this will be dealing with the paperwork and the happy employees and the long lines.

We are coming up the the 4 month mark. It truly gets harder each day. Each day it seems more real.

My Dr upped my depression meds to twice my normal amount.
Pro: I don't cry the ENTIRE day anymore.
Con: It makes me even more tired during the day


I'm so sorry. It seems like it never ends. =( I mean, I know it really WON'T ever end, but if only these constant stabs and reminders could stop.

Big hugs to you.
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Re: Everything's Coming up Roses

Postby amynkansas » Thu Feb 12, 2015 8:49 pm

just so that you guys know that not every day is a horrible nightmare....I had just a regular day today. Nothing great. No crying jags. At least for today. But that's a start.
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Re: Everything's Coming up Roses

Postby absolutelyvlc » Fri Feb 13, 2015 8:55 am

;) Here's to more "normal" days

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Re: Everything's Coming up Roses

Postby Muffinmom » Wed Feb 18, 2015 10:48 am

amynkansas wrote:just so that you guys know that not every day is a horrible nightmare....I had just a regular day today. Nothing great. No crying jags. At least for today. But that's a start.


Glad to hear things are leveling at least a little bit for you. I do still keep you in my prayers even if I've been absolutely awful about sending you anything. HUGS!! Image
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Re: Everything's Coming up Roses

Postby amynkansas » Mon Feb 23, 2015 7:09 pm

my mom who has never spoken to me about her own funeral wishes... even when I asked...told me that she bought a burial plot a couple weeks ago. She said she should have asked us prior but that she bought the one catty-corner to Alex's. I found it both sad and comforting. I am so glad that I won't have to make that decision (if she goes before I do) and I am comforted that her resting place will be near my daughter. She said she knew she wouldn't be forgotten if she was near Allie. That's when we both started bawling.

Alex is buried in the same cemetery as my husband's parents and the DH and I have ours there too. Our's is across the "street" from Alex. She couldn't be buried next o us because that plot was already taken (we bought our about 8 years ago)

We haven't planned or paid for funeral stuff for ourselves yet, just the plot and the opening and closing of it. I don't think I mom has either. But I do want to do that part..maybe next year when I might be able to step into a funeral home again and keep myself together. I wonder if I can plan some stuff on-line.

Not to be dark about it all, but planning funerals is not fun (as some of you already know) so do your kids a favor and take care of at least the big decisions like burial (where) or cremation.

I was able to type all of that without crying. Of course I cried so much during the Oscar's last night. And some on the way home from work today...
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Re: Everything's Coming up Roses

Postby absolutelyvlc » Tue Feb 24, 2015 8:56 am

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Mr. Abs' father has always been very practical and organized about his own funeral arrangements. He's been that way for many years. He's in perfect health and there's no impending "reason" for him to do it, other than to be practical and prepared, and, like you said Kansas, to alleviate that burden from his children when the time should come.
It's taken me a really long time to get used to it. It's kind of a dark subject and awkward to talk about. Right? I'll admit, it still makes me feel a little awkward, but over the years I've come to admire that he's done this for his family.
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Re: Everything's Coming up Roses

Postby Muffinmom » Tue Feb 24, 2015 10:56 am

Amy & Abs, you're right its a tough subject!!!

I know my parents have bought something but I've been remiss in asking for details... and they 're 78 & 83 and not in good health. Thx for the reminder, I'll check with my sister if she knows any details. And I've not even given thought to mine & muffindad's... eeeeck!!!
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Re: Everything's Coming up Roses

Postby JodieO » Tue Feb 24, 2015 7:13 pm

amynkansas wrote:my mom who has never spoken to me about her own funeral wishes... even when I asked...told me that she bought a burial plot a couple weeks ago. She said she should have asked us prior but that she bought the one catty-corner to Alex's. I found it both sad and comforting. I am so glad that I won't have to make that decision (if she goes before I do) and I am comforted that her resting place will be near my daughter. She said she knew she wouldn't be forgotten if she was near Allie. That's when we both started bawling.

Alex is buried in the same cemetery as my husband's parents and the DH and I have ours there too. Our's is across the "street" from Alex. She couldn't be buried next o us because that plot was already taken (we bought our about 8 years ago)

We haven't planned or paid for funeral stuff for ourselves yet, just the plot and the opening and closing of it. I don't think I mom has either. But I do want to do that part..maybe next year when I might be able to step into a funeral home again and keep myself together. I wonder if I can plan some stuff on-line.

Not to be dark about it all, but planning funerals is not fun (as some of you already know) so do your kids a favor and take care of at least the big decisions like burial (where) or cremation.

I was able to type all of that without crying. Of course I cried so much during the Oscar's last night. And some on the way home from work today...


One of the big parts of my job that I'm just starting to learn is doing the financial recertifications every year. The tenants have to disclose their financial stuff and if anything major has changed we need to record it. Two of my tenants cashed in their life insurance policies and bought cemetery plots. I think I may have frightened them a little when I excitedly exclaimed "OOOOOH!! Where did you get them?! Mount Hope!? That's awesome! What kind of stones did you get?!" Luckily they got a bit of a chuckle out of my enthusiasm.

I wish my parents would at least tell us what they want if they aren't actually going to plan it out. I know my mom wants to go in her mother's family plot in Appleton, and my dad wants to be buried with my mom, but he doesn't want to be out in the boondocks of Appleton. And he doesn't want to be buried with his parents because their cemetery is not well taken care of. I don't want to have to make the decision for him. So I think what you are doing is wonderful, as difficult and uncomfortable as it may be. I'm sure at the very least you could start researching online and emailing funeral homes if it's too hard to go in them.

I love that your mom bought a plot near Allie and that you and DH will be nearby even if you aren't side by side. Are you directly across from her? It's a shame they couldn't have transferred you to a larger plot and have you pay the difference. I think I missed something about the Oscars... Did Allie like watching them? Sending you big big hugs.
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Re: Everything's Coming up Roses

Postby Elsie_Tanner » Sat Feb 28, 2015 7:11 pm

amynkansas wrote:just so that you guys know that not every day is a horrible nightmare....I had just a regular day today. Nothing great. No crying jags. At least for today. But that's a start.


Regular is cool :)
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Re: Everything's Coming up Roses

Postby absolutelyvlc » Sun Mar 01, 2015 10:07 am

Elsie_Tanner wrote:
amynkansas wrote:just so that you guys know that not every day is a horrible nightmare....I had just a regular day today. Nothing great. No crying jags. At least for today. But that's a start.


Regular is cool :)


LC!!!! Miss your face. How's mommyhood?
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Re: Everything's Coming up Roses

Postby obava » Sun Mar 01, 2015 1:13 pm

Hey Peeps! I poke my head in to see what's up, and I find you discussing funeral plans- a favorite topic of mine! Seriously- I feel about this the way I feel about sex ed- we'd all be a lot less lonely and feel more fellowship if we were educated and it wasn't taboo or weird to talk about it.

I know it's difficult to think about death, but like many of you have said, you want to take matters into your own hands while you still can, so you get what you want and to relieve your loved ones of the burden. I grew up with a beloved grandmother who started writing her obituary while she was in high school, and updated it consistently through the years. She also got studio portraits taken every 5-10 years so there would be a fairly recent picture of her to run with her obit. It was just something that she wanted control over, and it must have affected the way she lived her life. How could it not??

After talking to us kids about it, my parents bought adjoining plots for all of us- we each get one which can fit up to 8 cremains, so if our kids decide to join us, they can. A few years ago we went to visit my grandmother's resting place & got to talking about ours, so we went to visit our plots. It was so nice to see where we would be and who was around us. We looked at the decorations that some people had on their graves and my mo told us she wanted hers blinged out to the max with shiny things that moved and sparkled and blinked :lol: My sister and I also let our parents know that neither of us wanted to be next to our hated brother, so we decided it would go: brother, father, mother, me, sister. We also talked about cremation vs burial. It was cool to have those talks with almost the whole family there.

My parents started arguing about their headstone (the design, how much they wanted to spend, what it would say) and since this was 8 months before their 50th wedding anniversary, I suggested that would be a perfect time for them to discuss and decide, and instead of going on the cruise they were thinking of (but were not healthy enough to take) they should buy their headstone. They thought that was a great idea and it started a good conversation between them. They even got their wills updated (which still said us kids [now in our 40s & 50s] would go to our aunt & uncle [who had been divorced for 35 years & the uncle passed away for 5]) and made living wills and medical powers of attorney and stuff.

It was all very informative, very empowering, and brought us all closer together.
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Re: Everything's Coming up Roses

Postby amynkansas » Sun Mar 01, 2015 2:55 pm

obava wrote: They even got their wills updated (which still said us kids [now in our 40s & 50s] would go to our aunt & uncle [who had been divorced for 35 years & the uncle passed away for 5]) and made living wills and medical powers of attorney and stuff.

It was all very informative, very empowering, and brought us all closer together.


To be fair this is the "sad/death" thread...
We don't have wills yet. We really need to do that. I forgot about that part. And living wills. I get to about question number 4 and then I get freaked out. When is enough medical help and when is it too much and for how long....such tough questions. I like the idea of writing your own obituary. Your grandma rocks. And maybe I should do a current portrait...so many (weird/sad) things to do.

DH and I have the plots and the headstones and the stuff on it. It's kind of weird to see. I only looked at my plot once. It's the cheaper kind that is just a plaque that sits flat in the ground....not the fancy old ones that Jodie likes to take photos of.
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Re: Everything's Coming up Roses

Postby amynkansas » Wed Mar 04, 2015 11:29 pm

so this happened today....

First off, there were a ton of babies today.... (for those of you that don't know, I'm a newborn baby photographer at 2 hospitals)

I go into the last room (at first hospital) and a young dad (maybe 25) is playing a guitar softly to his new baby girl in Room 2. This is the first guitar I have seen brought to a hospital (I have seen dads bring in laptops and Playstations but not guitars). So I do the photo session. As I'm about to leave I ask him if he knows how to play Pink Floyd's Wish You Were Here (It was the only song Al knew how to play on the guitar). He started to play it and while he did I told him about Allie and that song. He said it had been years since he played it and could only do about 20 seconds of it and he stumbled through it. I started to cry. To me it sounded beautiful and I could picture me in the living room and hearing her play it down in the basement. The dad started to cry too. I told him that him bringing the guitar and playing for me was a huge gift and that I appreciated it more than he will ever know. He said I gave him the gift of reminding him that he can play and make people feel things. I thanked his wife for letting me stay (and cry) in her room and left. I spent the next 15 minutes finishing up for the day (computer stuff and paperwork). I left the mother/baby unit to the stairwell and one of the nurses yelled for me to come back. She said that the family in room 2 requested that I come back.

I went back in. He said that he didn't do the song justice when I was in there before and wanted to do it again for me. He had looked up the song and practiced for those 15 minutes. I sat down and he played and sang the song for me. I just cried and cried. He got up and hugged me and his wife asked if she could take a photo of me and her husband and his guitar. I must have looked awful with a red swollen face. I thanked them again and apologized for being such a downer when they had just had such a wonderful thing happen to them less than 24 hours earlier. They said that they appreciated my sharing something so dear with them. He gave me his email address and told me to email him whenever I wanted and we could talk music or Allie and they would think of her when they hear that song.

When I left the room their nurse (Carla...my favorite person in that hospital) came and hugged me and cried with me.

It was such a sweet thing they did for me. I have been a raw mess since then....but it was good.
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Re: Everything's Coming up Roses

Postby Muffinmom » Thu Mar 05, 2015 10:05 pm

OMG Amy, you've got me all teary eyed just reading this story, its soooooo sweet!!! Sounds like you got a 'penny from heaven' in a non-traditional way (I'm going on a limb and guessing Allie didn't go for tradition much?)
I'm glad you were able to share a happy memory of her, and that they were so sweet and understanding and caring.
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Re: Everything's Coming up Roses

Postby JodieO » Thu Mar 05, 2015 10:05 pm

amynkansas wrote:so this happened today....

First off, there were a ton of babies today.... (for those of you that don't know, I'm a newborn baby photographer at 2 hospitals)

I go into the last room (at first hospital) and a young dad (maybe 25) is playing a guitar softly to his new baby girl in Room 2. This is the first guitar I have seen brought to a hospital (I have seen dads bring in laptops and Playstations but not guitars). So I do the photo session. As I'm about to leave I ask him if he knows how to play Pink Floyd's Wish You Were Here (It was the only song Al knew how to play on the guitar). He started to play it and while he did I told him about Allie and that song. He said it had been years since he played it and could only do about 20 seconds of it and he stumbled through it. I started to cry. To me it sounded beautiful and I could picture me in the living room and hearing her play it down in the basement. The dad started to cry too. I told him that him bringing the guitar and playing for me was a huge gift and that I appreciated it more than he will ever know. He said I gave him the gift of reminding him that he can play and make people feel things. I thanked his wife for letting me stay (and cry) in her room and left. I spent the next 15 minutes finishing up for the day (computer stuff and paperwork). I left the mother/baby unit to the stairwell and one of the nurses yelled for me to come back. She said that the family in room 2 requested that I come back.

I went back in. He said that he didn't do the song justice when I was in there before and wanted to do it again for me. He had looked up the song and practiced for those 15 minutes. I sat down and he played and sang the song for me. I just cried and cried. He got up and hugged me and his wife asked if she could take a photo of me and her husband and his guitar. I must have looked awful with a red swollen face. I thanked them again and apologized for being such a downer when they had just had such a wonderful thing happen to them less than 24 hours earlier. They said that they appreciated my sharing something so dear with them. He gave me his email address and told me to email him whenever I wanted and we could talk music or Allie and they would think of her when they hear that song.

When I left the room their nurse (Carla...my favorite person in that hospital) came and hugged me and cried with me.

It was such a sweet thing they did for me. I have been a raw mess since then....but it was good.


They sound like an amazing couple. Big hugs to you all.
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Re: Everything's Coming up Roses

Postby absolutelyvlc » Fri Mar 06, 2015 8:30 am

amynkansas wrote:so this happened today....

First off, there were a ton of babies today.... (for those of you that don't know, I'm a newborn baby photographer at 2 hospitals)

I go into the last room (at first hospital) and a young dad (maybe 25) is playing a guitar softly to his new baby girl in Room 2. This is the first guitar I have seen brought to a hospital (I have seen dads bring in laptops and Playstations but not guitars). So I do the photo session. As I'm about to leave I ask him if he knows how to play Pink Floyd's Wish You Were Here (It was the only song Al knew how to play on the guitar). He started to play it and while he did I told him about Allie and that song. He said it had been years since he played it and could only do about 20 seconds of it and he stumbled through it. I started to cry. To me it sounded beautiful and I could picture me in the living room and hearing her play it down in the basement. The dad started to cry too. I told him that him bringing the guitar and playing for me was a huge gift and that I appreciated it more than he will ever know. He said I gave him the gift of reminding him that he can play and make people feel things. I thanked his wife for letting me stay (and cry) in her room and left. I spent the next 15 minutes finishing up for the day (computer stuff and paperwork). I left the mother/baby unit to the stairwell and one of the nurses yelled for me to come back. She said that the family in room 2 requested that I come back.

I went back in. He said that he didn't do the song justice when I was in there before and wanted to do it again for me. He had looked up the song and practiced for those 15 minutes. I sat down and he played and sang the song for me. I just cried and cried. He got up and hugged me and his wife asked if she could take a photo of me and her husband and his guitar. I must have looked awful with a red swollen face. I thanked them again and apologized for being such a downer when they had just had such a wonderful thing happen to them less than 24 hours earlier. They said that they appreciated my sharing something so dear with them. He gave me his email address and told me to email him whenever I wanted and we could talk music or Allie and they would think of her when they hear that song.

When I left the room their nurse (Carla...my favorite person in that hospital) came and hugged me and cried with me.

It was such a sweet thing they did for me. I have been a raw mess since then....but it was good.


This story just brought up soooooo much emotion in me, Kansas. I'm at a loss for words to say, but I'm so glad you shared this with us, and so glad for you to have experienced this. xoxox
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Re: Everything's Coming up Roses

Postby amynkansas » Sat Mar 14, 2015 12:36 pm

i dreamt of Alex last night. The dream as a whole was very weird and scattered (as most of my dreams are) but at one point I was talking to her on the phone (i don't know who called who) and like in all the other dreams I know that she is already gone but the conversation is as if she's not. I asked her who a person I heard was a friend of hers or was it a character in a book. She said she had bowled with her a couple of times and that she was really funny and nice (Allie doesn't bowl). I then told her that I loved her and missed her and she told me she loved me too.
That's all I really remember but when I woke up I felt calm and happy (or as calm and happy as my new self has come to know).
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Re: Everything's Coming up Roses

Postby Muffinmom » Mon Mar 16, 2015 10:31 am

Amy, glad to hear you had a happy dream with Alex. Image
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Re: Everything's Coming up Roses

Postby JodieO » Mon Mar 16, 2015 6:11 pm

amynkansas wrote:i dreamt of Alex last night. The dream as a whole was very weird and scattered (as most of my dreams are) but at one point I was talking to her on the phone (i don't know who called who) and like in all the other dreams I know that she is already gone but the conversation is as if she's not. I asked her who a person I heard was a friend of hers or was it a character in a book. She said she had bowled with her a couple of times and that she was really funny and nice (Allie doesn't bowl). I then told her that I loved her and missed her and she told me she loved me too.
That's all I really remember but when I woke up I felt calm and happy (or as calm and happy as my new self has come to know).


This is wonderful. I'm glad it was able to provide you with at least a little comfort.

I remember when my Gramma was getting near the end she would talk about how she wanted to ride a bike again, or go swimming in the ocean again and that she felt like a 16-year-old girl trapped in a 97-year-old body. After she died I had a dream that I was looking out my living room windows (I live in the apartment she occupied for 25 years) and instead of the back yard there was the ocean. My Grams was standing there, as her 16-year-old self. She turned and smiled and waved at me, then dove into the ocean and swam off. Some people might think it's just my subconscious or whatever, but I truly believe that was her telling me goodbye since we never got to say it in this life. Just like I truly believe this was Allie 'calling' you to tell you she loves you. Big hugs to you. I'm happy you had this dream.
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Re: Everything's Coming up Roses

Postby amynkansas » Sun Mar 22, 2015 10:56 pm

it has been another really rough couple of days. I am assuming that PMS is making me more vulnerable than "normal". Last night was a cry fest for me. I couldn't stop. It continued this morning which sucked because I had to work and had too much down time. I've had to work really hard today to keep my mind from going there. Which I will not do right now. Instead I will take some Motrin and go to bed.
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Re: Everything's Coming up Roses

Postby absolutelyvlc » Tue Mar 24, 2015 7:33 am

amynkansas wrote:it has been another really rough couple of days. I am assuming that PMS is making me more vulnerable than "normal". Last night was a cry fest for me. I couldn't stop. It continued this morning which sucked because I had to work and had too much down time. I've had to work really hard today to keep my mind from going there. Which I will not do right now. Instead I will take some Motrin and go to bed.


:(
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Re: Everything's Coming up Roses

Postby amynkansas » Tue Mar 31, 2015 4:07 am

still having my insomnia issues. This weekend was bad. Yesterday marked 6 months. I spent most of the weekend either crying or trying NOT to cry. So yesterday I went into numb mode. The worst days (usually) are the ones leading up to some sort of "anniversary" of her death or the days leading up to holidays. Not looking forward to our first Easter without her. I still did baskets and clues for each of the kids. Mitch came home from school today and went straight to bed (at 4:15). He said he had a headache. My guess is that he had to hold it together all day and was exhausted.
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Re: Everything's Coming up Roses

Postby Muffinmom » Tue Mar 31, 2015 9:27 am

amynkansas wrote:still having my insomnia issues. This weekend was bad. Yesterday marked 6 months. I spent most of the weekend either crying or trying NOT to cry. So yesterday I went into numb mode. The worst days (usually) are the ones leading up to some sort of "anniversary" of her death or the days leading up to holidays. Not looking forward to our first Easter without her. I still did baskets and clues for each of the kids. Mitch came home from school today and went straight to bed (at 4:15). He said he had a headache. My guess is that he had to hold it together all day and was exhausted.


Oh honey!!! Sending hugs and hugs and hugs...
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Re: Everything's Coming up Roses

Postby guitargirl » Thu Apr 02, 2015 8:36 am

amynkansas wrote:so this happened today....

First off, there were a ton of babies today.... (for those of you that don't know, I'm a newborn baby photographer at 2 hospitals)

I go into the last room (at first hospital) and a young dad (maybe 25) is playing a guitar softly to his new baby girl in Room 2. This is the first guitar I have seen brought to a hospital (I have seen dads bring in laptops and Playstations but not guitars). So I do the photo session. As I'm about to leave I ask him if he knows how to play Pink Floyd's Wish You Were Here (It was the only song Al knew how to play on the guitar). He started to play it and while he did I told him about Allie and that song. He said it had been years since he played it and could only do about 20 seconds of it and he stumbled through it. I started to cry. To me it sounded beautiful and I could picture me in the living room and hearing her play it down in the basement. The dad started to cry too. I told him that him bringing the guitar and playing for me was a huge gift and that I appreciated it more than he will ever know. He said I gave him the gift of reminding him that he can play and make people feel things. I thanked his wife for letting me stay (and cry) in her room and left. I spent the next 15 minutes finishing up for the day (computer stuff and paperwork). I left the mother/baby unit to the stairwell and one of the nurses yelled for me to come back. She said that the family in room 2 requested that I come back.

I went back in. He said that he didn't do the song justice when I was in there before and wanted to do it again for me. He had looked up the song and practiced for those 15 minutes. I sat down and he played and sang the song for me. I just cried and cried. He got up and hugged me and his wife asked if she could take a photo of me and her husband and his guitar. I must have looked awful with a red swollen face. I thanked them again and apologized for being such a downer when they had just had such a wonderful thing happen to them less than 24 hours earlier. They said that they appreciated my sharing something so dear with them. He gave me his email address and told me to email him whenever I wanted and we could talk music or Allie and they would think of her when they hear that song.

When I left the room their nurse (Carla...my favorite person in that hospital) came and hugged me and cried with me.

It was such a sweet thing they did for me. I have been a raw mess since then....but it was good.


I have just proper snot cried reading this. :cry: Music is very evocative. It can catapult us from simply remembering a moment in time to completely reliving it.

After my Mums funeral we got out the guitars and sang heaps of songs. Some were Mums favourites, and some were very rude and had made her roar laughing. My uncle is also a guitarist and this is one of the songs he sang at her funeral. Its a bit rude but she loved it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=am6T-MvsQzw
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guitargirl
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Re: Everything's Coming up Roses

Postby guitargirl » Thu Apr 02, 2015 8:44 am

My DH and I have already planned our funeral songs as we want it to be a cheerful affair.
Here's mine.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TSTw8wOlBGY

I don't want to be buried in a graveyard. Nor do I want a headstone. Hopefully my kids will put my ashes in an urn and bury it in the garden under some flowers. That way, whenever they have a BBQ they can raise their glasses and I can be there too.
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