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Everything's Coming up Roses

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Re: Everything's Coming up Roses

Postby guitargirl » Thu Apr 02, 2015 8:46 am

Muffinmom wrote:Image


I love this!
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Re: Everything's Coming up Roses

Postby guitargirl » Thu Apr 02, 2015 9:25 am

I may add this song too. Guitarboy is playing the solo on the left.
https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=16 ... =2&theater

Sorry for the crap quality. You'll need to turn the volume down too.
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Re: Everything's Coming up Roses

Postby amynkansas » Sun Apr 05, 2015 5:33 pm

as usual, the lead up to the holiday was worse than the actual day....but no matter what, I'm glad it's over.

I did a photo Easter egg hunt (took close of pics of places in and around the house and hid Easter goodies there and then emailed those pics to my boys and Shannon, Ty's GF. When I woke everyone up, my kids were grumpy (it was 9:30am) but Shannon popped right up and was so excited....just like Alex used to be on Easter morning (and Christmas morning). She said it was the best Easter Egg hunt she's ever done because she never did one with clues!

I never think of Shannon as any sort of replacement for Alex, but she is a wonderful addition. She even gave Rob, Mitch and I an Easter basket full of our favorite sweets and a really nice note telling us how much she appreciates letting her into our house and into our lives and that she loves each of us like a second family. It was really nice and I needed something like that today...something kind of mushy.
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Re: Everything's Coming up Roses

Postby Muffinmom » Sun Apr 05, 2015 6:44 pm

amynkansas wrote:as usual, the lead up to the holiday was worse than the actual day....but no matter what, I'm glad it's over.

I did a photo Easter egg hunt (took close of pics of places in and around the house and hid Easter goodies there and then emailed those pics to my boys and Shannon, Ty's GF. When I woke everyone up, my kids were grumpy (it was 9:30am) but Shannon popped right up and was so excited....just like Alex used to be on Easter morning (and Christmas morning). She said it was the best Easter Egg hunt she's ever done because she never did one with clues!

I never think of Shannon as any sort of replacement for Alex, but she is a wonderful addition. She even gave Rob, Mitch and I an Easter basket full of our favorite sweets and a really nice note telling us how much she appreciates letting her into our house and into our lives and that she loves each of us like a second family. It was really nice and I needed something like that today...something kind of mushy.


Amy, glad you had the something mushy you needed. {hugs!}.
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Re: Everything's Coming up Roses

Postby JodieO » Sun Apr 05, 2015 7:11 pm

amynkansas wrote:as usual, the lead up to the holiday was worse than the actual day....but no matter what, I'm glad it's over.

I did a photo Easter egg hunt (took close of pics of places in and around the house and hid Easter goodies there and then emailed those pics to my boys and Shannon, Ty's GF. When I woke everyone up, my kids were grumpy (it was 9:30am) but Shannon popped right up and was so excited....just like Alex used to be on Easter morning (and Christmas morning). She said it was the best Easter Egg hunt she's ever done because she never did one with clues!

I never think of Shannon as any sort of replacement for Alex, but she is a wonderful addition. She even gave Rob, Mitch and I an Easter basket full of our favorite sweets and a really nice note telling us how much she appreciates letting her into our house and into our lives and that she loves each of us like a second family. It was really nice and I needed something like that today...something kind of mushy.


Awwh, she sounds like a really sweet girl. I'm glad she could be there to help bring a little joy to the day. And you're an awesome mom for doing the Easter hunts even though all your kids are older. My mom used to do them for me and they were the best and I was so totally bummed when she stopped. Even at 40 years old I still hold out a glimmer of hope she'll do another one for me. Sadly, she only does Easter for the little kids now. Hrmph.

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Re: Everything's Coming up Roses

Postby amynkansas » Sat Apr 11, 2015 12:25 pm

i noticed today that the last show that Allie recorded was erased from the DVR. It shouldn't be such a big thing but to me it's just one more piece of her that is gone. We cried. We hugged. But there's not much more that can be done.

What was the show?
Dancing with the Stars.

She loved that show. She had a friend that lived with her grandparents. On Monday nights she would go over there and watch it with the grandparents. Doesn't sound like what you would typically think of a heroine addict, does it?
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Re: Everything's Coming up Roses

Postby amynkansas » Sun Jun 14, 2015 9:26 pm

For the last 8 months these are my thoughts during the average day:
Wake up: Alex. Alex. Get dressed. Alex. Brush teeth. Alex. Don't cry. Alex. Take meds. Alex. Find shoes. Alex. I want to go back to bed. Alex. Find keys. Alex. Go to work. Alex. Work. Try to act "normal". Alex. What day is it? Alex. Alex. Alex. Make sure you smile. Alex. Where did I park my car? Drive home. Alex. Alex. Alex. Alex. Alex. What should I make for dinner? Alex. She's really gone. Alex. I want to go back to bed. Alex. Alex. How do I do this? Alex. Alex. Alex. Alex.
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Re: Everything's Coming up Roses

Postby SeattleLisa » Mon Jun 15, 2015 9:56 am

amynkansas wrote:For the last 8 months these are my thoughts during the average day:
Wake up: Alex. Alex. Get dressed. Alex. Brush teeth. Alex. Don't cry. Alex. Take meds. Alex. Find shoes. Alex. I want to go back to bed. Alex. Find keys. Alex. Go to work. Alex. Work. Try to act "normal". Alex. What day is it? Alex. Alex. Alex. Make sure you smile. Alex. Where did I park my car? Drive home. Alex. Alex. Alex. Alex. Alex. What should I make for dinner? Alex. She's really gone. Alex. I want to go back to bed. Alex. Alex. How do I do this? Alex. Alex. Alex. Alex.


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Re: Everything's Coming up Roses

Postby Muffinmom » Tue Jun 16, 2015 8:56 am

Amy - sending hugs and comforting thoughts!
Have you looked into some kind of group/individual grief therapy? I think its healthy to grieve but I get the feeling that for you all this grief is very heavy. Perhaps even online communities? Just worried about you. Wish I could hug you in person, but in the meantime sending you this hug:
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Re: Everything's Coming up Roses

Postby amynkansas » Tue Jun 16, 2015 11:45 pm

DH and I belong to Compassionate Friends. A group for parents that have lost a child, or in some cases, children. We go to monthly meetings and belong to their FB page and we both post regularly. My eldest son lost his best friend 2 weeks after Allie died so his mom and I check up on each other. She lives in my neighborhood.
And there's you guys. You guys have kept me sane and distracted and despite being in a living nightmare, you guys still make me feel blessed. Quite the task.

I just have some really bad days every now and then. I'm assured that I will continue to have them but there will be more time in between them.

I read posts on the CF page, and there are parents that have bad days and bad weeks that lost their child decades ago. I used to think how horrible it would be to lose a child. I would see stuff on the news about a tragic boating accident or a fire or a car accident or stories about cancer. And I would think, how do you go on as a parent. I couldn't imagine the pain. In fact I would make myself NOT think of it, because even the thought of it was just so painful. Then it happened to me. And it is in fact VERY painful and sad and tragic and you feel like a shell of yourself.

There is that part in Outlander where Jamie is with the bird The Plover.
--“Plovers have the souls of young mothers dead in childbirth,” he said. He glanced aside at me, shyly. “The story goes that they cry and run about their nests because they canna believe the young are safe hatched; they’re mourning always for the lost one—or looking for a child left behind.”

I am always looking for her, always hoping she is safe....somewhere. God gave us the gift to love unconditionally and to love our children forever. Even if He's a bastard and takes them from some of us...I can't stop always longing for her.

(btw- that term "lose" is not really used on the CF page. People there take offence to it. They didn't LOSE a child, the child died. The term doesn't bother me)
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Re: Everything's Coming up Roses

Postby Muffinmom » Wed Jun 17, 2015 10:43 am

Glad you've got some support. I wouldn't expect the pain to go away,
Have they had any suggestions on how to manage the feeling of loss - not to make it go away, rather to learn how to live with it? I'm thinking of things like talking to your daughter, writing her letters, doing things in her memory, etc. I guess I'm thinking there must be some way for you to channel this grief so it honors and celebrates her rather than pulls you into a spiral.
Just saying this out of love and concern. I truly think you have a right to grieve her passing for the rest of your life. Heck, I still miss the peanut I had when I had a miscarriage, and that's nothing to what you went thru! And I am glad you feel you have a safe place here to vent and rage at the injustice of it all. Just wanna take care of my friend.. Image
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Re: Everything's Coming up Roses

Postby guitargirl » Fri Jun 19, 2015 8:37 am

amynkansas wrote:DH and I belong to Compassionate Friends. A group for parents that have lost a child, or in some cases, children. We go to monthly meetings and belong to their FB page and we both post regularly. My eldest son lost his best friend 2 weeks after Allie died so his mom and I check up on each other. She lives in my neighborhood.
And there's you guys. You guys have kept me sane and distracted and despite being in a living nightmare, you guys still make me feel blessed. Quite the task.

I just have some really bad days every now and then. I'm assured that I will continue to have them but there will be more time in between them.

I read posts on the CF page, and there are parents that have bad days and bad weeks that lost their child decades ago. I used to think how horrible it would be to lose a child. I would see stuff on the news about a tragic boating accident or a fire or a car accident or stories about cancer. And I would think, how do you go on as a parent. I couldn't imagine the pain. In fact I would make myself NOT think of it, because even the thought of it was just so painful. Then it happened to me. And it is in fact VERY painful and sad and tragic and you feel like a shell of yourself.

There is that part in Outlander where Jamie is with the bird The Plover.
--“Plovers have the souls of young mothers dead in childbirth,” he said. He glanced aside at me, shyly. “The story goes that they cry and run about their nests because they canna believe the young are safe hatched; they’re mourning always for the lost one—or looking for a child left behind.”

I am always looking for her, always hoping she is safe....somewhere. God gave us the gift to love unconditionally and to love our children forever. Even if He's a bastard and takes them from some of us...I can't stop always longing for her.

(btw- that term "lose" is not really used on the CF page. People there take offence to it. They didn't LOSE a child, the child died. The term doesn't bother me)


Amy this may seem like an odd thing to say but I'm so proud of you. The worst thing that any parent can imagine has actually happened to you. There are days when you feel like shit (and worse) yet you still have a lovely or funny comment for others. I'm sure the pain never fully goes away but I hope the reprieves become longer. Big hugs to you my friend. x
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Re: Everything's Coming up Roses

Postby amynkansas » Sun Aug 09, 2015 9:10 pm

another bad day. we are in the middle of getting our kitchen remodeled, which is great and terrible all at the same time. But the floor refinishers came a couple days ago and EVERYTHING on the wood floors had to be moved. There were a pair of her shoes that remained by the back door, right where she left them. I had to move them. I know that moving them doesn't make me forget her or make me miss her less or more....but it was just ONE MORE THING that had to "move on" and I'm tired of moving on. It hurts to move on.

We still have a pair of her grey flip flops in the living room that haven't been moved. They are right where she left them. The whole kitchen is now in the living room and it's like a maze to get through but the flip flops have remained in the same place. Furniture has been place AROUND them.

We saw a thing on The Compassionate Friends FB page where a mom who lost her 17 year old son, made postcards with her son's photo on the front and his story on the back. She explains that he always wanted to travel around the world but didn't get a chance to. So she leaves the postcards in airports and people find them and take one and then where ever they go they take a photo of the postcard with his face on it and post the photo with #liveonadam (go look up that hashtag and see the photos) I was considering doing the same with Allie, saying how she loved going to concerts. Maybe I could leave them at concert venues or on a college campus. (It's like of like Flat Stanley or Travel Rob) My fear would be someone taking inappropriate photos and that would crush me. But she loves that his memory goes on and people are thinking of him while they take these photos. I just like the idea of checking the internet and seeing her face at a Foo Fighters' concert in London or James Taylor in New York or Meg Myers in Ohio.

what do you think?
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Re: Everything's Coming up Roses

Postby JodieO » Mon Aug 10, 2015 6:21 pm

amynkansas wrote:another bad day. we are in the middle of getting our kitchen remodeled, which is great and terrible all at the same time. But the floor refinishers came a couple days ago and EVERYTHING on the wood floors had to be moved. There were a pair of her shoes that remained by the back door, right where she left them. I had to move them. I know that moving them doesn't make me forget her or make me miss her less or more....but it was just ONE MORE THING that had to "move on" and I'm tired of moving on. It hurts to move on.

We still have a pair of her grey flip flops in the living room that haven't been moved. They are right where she left them. The whole kitchen is now in the living room and it's like a maze to get through but the flip flops have remained in the same place. Furniture has been place AROUND them.

We saw a thing on The Compassionate Friends FB page where a mom who lost her 17 year old son, made postcards with her son's photo on the front and his story on the back. She explains that he always wanted to travel around the world but didn't get a chance to. So she leaves the postcards in airports and people find them and take one and then where ever they go they take a photo of the postcard with his face on it and post the photo with #liveonadam (go look up that hashtag and see the photos) I was considering doing the same with Allie, saying how she loved going to concerts. Maybe I could leave them at concert venues or on a college campus. (It's like of like Flat Stanley or Travel Rob) My fear would be someone taking inappropriate photos and that would crush me. But she loves that his memory goes on and people are thinking of him while they take these photos. I just like the idea of checking the internet and seeing her face at a Foo Fighters' concert in London or James Taylor in New York or Meg Myers in Ohio.

what do you think?


I think that sounds like an awesome idea.

Big hugs to you. I'm sorry about the kitchen and the shoes. I know that's not a 'little thing' and that it was hard for you.
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Re: Everything's Coming up Roses

Postby guitargirl » Tue Sep 22, 2015 10:23 am

amynkansas wrote:another bad day. we are in the middle of getting our kitchen remodeled, which is great and terrible all at the same time. But the floor refinishers came a couple days ago and EVERYTHING on the wood floors had to be moved. There were a pair of her shoes that remained by the back door, right where she left them. I had to move them. I know that moving them doesn't make me forget her or make me miss her less or more....but it was just ONE MORE THING that had to "move on" and I'm tired of moving on. It hurts to move on.

We still have a pair of her grey flip flops in the living room that haven't been moved. They are right where she left them. The whole kitchen is now in the living room and it's like a maze to get through but the flip flops have remained in the same place. Furniture has been place AROUND them.

We saw a thing on The Compassionate Friends FB page where a mom who lost her 17 year old son, made postcards with her son's photo on the front and his story on the back. She explains that he always wanted to travel around the world but didn't get a chance to. So she leaves the postcards in airports and people find them and take one and then where ever they go they take a photo of the postcard with his face on it and post the photo with #liveonadam (go look up that hashtag and see the photos) I was considering doing the same with Allie, saying how she loved going to concerts. Maybe I could leave them at concert venues or on a college campus. (It's like of like Flat Stanley or Travel Rob) My fear would be someone taking inappropriate photos and that would crush me. But she loves that his memory goes on and people are thinking of him while they take these photos. I just like the idea of checking the internet and seeing her face at a Foo Fighters' concert in London or James Taylor in New York or Meg Myers in Ohio.

what do you think?


I think this is an awesome idea Amy. I only wish I'd seen this post earlier as I would have taken her to the Foo Fighter's concert the other week. The kids only went back to school about 10 days ago so I'm only just getting back online again. I'm gutted :(

If you send me a postcard with her picture on I promise to take her to all the concerts or festivals I go to (even the smaller ones that Guitarboy plays.) Funnily enough he plays a Jeff Buckley song regularly and I think of her every time he plays it. :)

I'm so sorry the shoe thing has been so rough for you. it must be hard having to take steps that you're not ready to take yet. Big hugs to you all x
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Re: Everything's Coming up Roses

Postby amynkansas » Fri Sep 25, 2015 9:09 am

Sept 30th marks one year since she left us. Today I'm doing okay. No worse than any other day.

If any of you want to, print the 4x6 #AlexRocksOn photo and bring it to any shows you attend. Her spirit can rock with you (and me). Maybe you can get your RL friends to do it too. Then post the photo on Twitter or FB or anywhere with the hashtag #AlexRocksOn. Thanks.

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Re: Everything's Coming up Roses

Postby Alexandra » Fri Sep 25, 2015 4:45 pm

amynkansas wrote:Sept 30th marks one year since she left us. Today I'm doing okay. No worse than any other day.

If any of you want to, print the 4x6 #AlexRocksOn photo and bring it to any shows you attend. Her spirit can rock with you (and me). Maybe you can get your RL friends to do it too. Then post the photo on Twitter or FB or anywhere with the hashtag #AlexRocksOn. Thanks.

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Will do, Amy. She was definitely with us at the Ed Sheeran concert on Wednesday night! :D

How are you doing? I've been thinking of you so much lately. I know this is a rough time of year for your family. I'm sending all my love and hugs to you. Reach out if you need a shoulder.
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Re: Everything's Coming up Roses

Postby guitargirl » Sun Sep 27, 2015 3:56 pm

amynkansas wrote:Sept 30th marks one year since she left us. Today I'm doing okay. No worse than any other day.

If any of you want to, print the 4x6 #AlexRocksOn photo and bring it to any shows you attend. Her spirit can rock with you (and me). Maybe you can get your RL friends to do it too. Then post the photo on Twitter or FB or anywhere with the hashtag #AlexRocksOn. Thanks.

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Gorgeous pic Amy, I shall be proud to take her places. Do you think she'd like to come to Cyprus with us next month? The only concert will be Guitarboy and myself by the pool (we do it every year :oops: ) where we get out the guitars by the pool in the sunshine drinking a glass of something delicious. However, she may find it fun. We'd even play a bit of Jeff Buckley for her. Like Alex, I'm here for you if you need to talk.
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Re: Everything's Coming up Roses

Postby amynkansas » Sun Sep 27, 2015 7:39 pm

I got my first one! She just had her husband take it while she had it saved on her phone. It made me smile so I think I'm going to like this. Jamming session photos are more than welcome!


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