A healthy debate: Kristen Stewart's Acting

Throughout this letter I’m going to use something called sarcasm. Unfamiliar? Read this. Many people hate Kristen Stewart because they are sadface that she is (apparently) with Robert Pattinson. I am one of them. I cannot judge Kristen Stewart fairly without thinking of her with Robert Pattinson. She does a commercial for cat litter and surrounds herself with 18 little white kittens? I hate it because all I can think about is how she gets to do Rob Pattinson after she gets to play with all those adorable kittens. In Adventureland she does a sex scene with a douche-bag married to a Woody Allen darling? She is an automatic awful fake movie sexer because she’s having the real sex with Rob Pattinson. Remember, Read this if you have any questions.

Dear Twilosophy Debate Class 101,

Today we’re going to have a healthy debate. Any questions?

Why are you opening THIS can of worms when we have had peace on LTT for awhile and Robsteners/Nonsteners/Swiftners/Non-Swiftnerers (Wait a second- WHO could be a Non-Swiftnerer? Seriously? Have you seen these two? So freakin’ adorable) have been getting along?

Well, I’ve been thinking a lot about this topic and when I think of stuff I like to share it with the LTT community. Also KStew411 tweeted this amazing video and I really needed a reason to post it

The beginning

Kristen and I had a rocky beginning. First of all she kissed Adam Brody in In the Land of Women, and that’s when I knew I would hate her for eternity. Plus that movie sucked and that pains me to say because I heart Adam Brody something fierce. I remember being very underwhelmed by all the performances in that movie, not just Kristen’s.  I’ll have to break it out again to decide for sure what I think of her specifically, but I’d rather die than do that. So let’s just leave it at that.

KristenAdamBrody

Bitch! Seriously, I'll facepunch you so hard....

And then came Twilight. I walked away consumed with the desire to FACE PUNCH her except I didn’t know it was that desire since FACE PUNCH doesn’t get referenced until New Moon. “SHE gets to DO Rob Pattinson!?” I thought. (Except I didn’t think that since I didn’t think they were DOING it then since I was underwhelmed by their on-screen chemistry and knew nothing of the off screen rumors.) I was confused. I thought her casting was SPOT ON for the character of Bella. But her portrayal of Bella….? Well, it took me awhile to put it into words, but let’s just leave it at- I wasn’t so crazy about it. (Refer to the above video for many of the reasons why)

New Moon

I feared a Twilight repeat. I did. So much of that movie hinged on Kristen’s ability to make us believe in her pain. I came away from that midnight showing really happy with what I saw! I believed her! I felt her loss. I even shed a tear or two even though I knew that Edward would eventually come back and then they’d have some awesome make-out scenes complete with an EPIC Leg Hitch (Don’t do it and DIE, David Slade) and would eventually skinny-dip in the ocean after which they’d do it in probably the most talked about fade-to-black scene ever written, finally resulting in the birth of a half-human, half-vampire genius-child who would be imprinted upon by a werewolf. I cried even though I knew that would happen. (Actually, that’s probably why I cried. Couldn’t he just STAY and give her amazing birthday sex?) Also I didn’t cry until Lykke Li’s “Possibility” came on because I feel emotions through music. Plus, Kristen had my FAVORITE line in all of New Moon. Listen for it here in this clip, courtesy of Brookelockart’s pirated copy of the movie:

Click for awesomeness

So… why the sudden change of heart towards Kristen? Were my expectations SO low for the movie that surpassing them wasn’t that hard to do (That’s actually possible) Did she REALLY step it up a notch this movie? Was Chris Weitz a better director for her? Clearly I just forgot that she was banging Rob with his absence. Instead I thought about flowers, kittens and Swiftner. Or maybe Stewner- yes… that’s right! While watching the movie I invented, in my mind, a real relationship between Kristen & Taylor. She makes him homemade protein shakes while he improves his pectoral muscles. It’s a beautiful relationship. And an obvious one. How else would she know that Taylor carries around little baggies of meat patties? You know, I bet Kristen even bags Tay’s meat patties for him in NAME-BRAND baggies. She loves him that much. Best of all Rob is single & Taylor Swift writes an amazing break-up song that brings me to tears until the end when a wolf is mauled to death by a bear (because afterall, Kristen let us in on a little secret- “They’re Not Bears“) Continue…

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Happy Birthday Kristen Stewart

birthday1

Dear Kristen-

Since today is your birthday- 19!- you’re old now. Rob and Taylor, after we reminded them, totally wanted to get you something extra special for your birthday, since you’re their main girl. I mean, you do play Bella, and they’re always having to save you n’ shiz. So they went all out… cake, balloons, party favors! You know, the stuff 19-yr-old girls like yourself are REALLY into.

We thought long and hard (that’s what she said) about what we could do for you on your 19th. It wasn’t easy, but we figured it out. We started first by coming up with a list of what we won’t do or say today:

  • We won’t talk about your fake lesbian relationship with Nikki Reed
  • We won’t make you feel bad that you have cheated on, are cheating on and will continue to cheat on Michael Oregano with Rob
  • We won’t mention your sour-puss-ishness
  • We won’t get mad at your hatred towards Twilight fans (or annoyed that you pretend to like them for PR purposes)
  • We won’t discuss your often hideous taste in clothing (when your stylist isn’t around)
  • We won’t mention interview neuroses and how you’re so 2nd-hand embarrassing to watch

We will:

  • Mention that Adventureland looks good, and it got some good reviews (including some from former KStew-haters, so WIN for you!)
  • Say you looked very pretty in those Nylon pics
  • Tell you you look nice when you wear a mini skirt- you have hot legs and we’re a wee bit jealous
  • Say you really do have a pretty face
  • Mention we think you’re a pretty damn good actress in everything but Twilight
  • Confess that we’re jealous that you get to make-out with the hottest guy on planet earth
  • Present to you another haiku by the infamous Kristen/Bella haiku-writer, The Bff-aka James the Vamp look-alike:

He watches you sleep
And makes strange faces in class
Creepy, creepy boy

So, happy birthday from us and all the guys and gals at LTT! We trust that, since the legal drinking age in Canada is 19, you’ll be getting your drink on with Rob, Taylor n’ the gang tonight. Watch out for drunken late-night mistakes. Word on the street is that Justin Chon is in town- no one wants to see a sour-puss/Chon baby look-alike, so try and keep it in your pants.

Love,
UnintendedChoice & theMoonisDown

PS The guys told us to tell you sorry about the balloon… that’s the only one 7/11 had at 3 in the morning. You know boys!

Thanks for the reminder, JBell! And thanks to The Quad, as always!

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I’m gonna be nice today…

I saw two things this week that made me say nice things about Nikki Reed AND Kristen Stewart (I know! Pigs DO fly!) So today’s letters are about those two miracles:

Dear Nikki,

I really appreciate what you did to yourself and to your hair for Twilight. I do think it showed your commitment to the character of Rosalie.

I felt REALLY bad for you when Larry Carroll told you you looked ‘unnatural’ as a blonde. I love me some Larry, but I could tell he hurt your feelings a bit. Especially because I’m sure you KNOW that Rosalie’s hair wasn’t the best.. So far, the wig we’ve seen from the paps on the set is AWESOME. I know you’re gonna look gorgeous for New Moon cuz you look exactly like my gorgeous cousin in that picture. Don’t worry- I’m sure Kristen thinks you’ll look great too, fake lesbos always have your back. (damn- I told myself I was gonna get through a letter without mentioning that.. Oh well, I came close!)

Love,
Me

a

Dear Kristen,

I watched your interview with Jimmy Kimmel on Saturday morning and immediately sent the following e-mail to my girlfriends:

  1. I love Kimmel in this.
  2. No, Kristen. You’re not obsessed with Twilight “just as much as everyone else,” but props to your publicist for getting you to start saying that. The tweens will eat it up.
  3. Your awkwardness is b/c you’re shy. I get it now. You feel uncomfortable and think you come off acting uncomfortable.. So you seem kinda dorky.. which is kinda true. All you need is a little confidence because you’re a beautiful, talented, successful girl. Confidence, Cohen.. Confidence *fake prize to the first person who comments with what that’s from (Moon- you can’t enter)
  4. Good for Kimmel.. keeping it on topic… He had only one reference to the ‘famous veggie vamp’

Wait, this actually ended up being nicer to Jimmy Kimmel than it did to you… Oh well, 1 out of 2 isn’t too bad, right? Better luck next time…

Love,
Me

You’ve entered our Twilight-Party-Pack giveaway contest, right? GO DO IT NOW if you haven’t! It’s easy- just tell us a song that makes you think of Twilight! We’ll pick a winner randomly Tuesday night!

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Sundance is like, SOOoo commercial

eh. stuff.

eh. stuff.

Dear Pals-

We were recently sent this picture of Kristen Stewart hanging out at Sundance this week, and I just couldn’t help myself; the bitchface she was working called to me ,and I felt compelled to write down what I thought she was doing in this pic. Imagine this: Kristen is live blogging from Sundance on her mac…

Fade in…

kbitches livejournal
01/19/08-

yooo dudes i’m at sundance. just saw spike jonze. his niece is a twilight fan apparently. guess she loved the movie or whatever. god i was so happy when he didn’t ask for an autograph for her. bleh. i wonder if he knows where the good green is at here? it’s SOoooo boring. fucking utah n shit. i wish i could have snuck some in my shampoo bottle or something. tsa is so weak. don’t they know we like to wake n bake, man? wake and muther fucking baaaaake.

anyshit i guess nikki reed is coming up here. she kept calling saying she could totally come up if i needed her or whatever. guess she’s at the airport now who knows, at least that’s what the pictures on perez say. i’ve got my sister here to keep up my fake lesbo facade until nikki decides to show up. then we can hit the gifting suites and do a three way kiss with the girl at the paige denim booth while the paps are shooting.

so uh, yea. sundance.

k.

AND SCENE.

I promise some twi-girl love soon. We have something cooked up already. Stay tuned. and until then, perfect your bitchface with Kristen.

If you can stand it, watch this video of KStew being interviewed by MTV where she bitches about being asked about Twilight. Yea, we get it- you’re in a new movie called Adventureland, but don’t bite the hand that feeds.

Love,
ME (themoonisdown)

Also see: Sour Puss

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