Red Riding Hood or Twilight or just plain awesomely awful? I can’t decide

(Total spoilers ahead if you really wanted to see Red Riding Hood unspoiled)

Director of Twilight you say???

Dear Catherine Hardwicke,

Sooooo I saw your latest movie Red Riding Hood on Saturday and let me just say WOW. And then I’m going to follow that with WHAT WERE YOU THINKING???!!!!!?!?! My friend and I decided to hit up a matinee of Red Riding Hood based on an interesting trailer and our love for cute boys in fantasy type films. We smuggled in some Haribo and Diet Cokes and it was ON. The opening credits rolled and we both turned to each other and said “what movie are we watching?” Cause the opening sequence could have been lost footage from the first Twilight film, all that was missing was that Black Ghosts song and Charlie picking Bella up in the squad car. BUUTTT what do you know ol Charlie I mean… whatever Billy Burke’s character’s name is was THE DAD! Anyway, so you love a good overhead helicopter shot of snowy woods on mountain tops, I can understand that and really the Twilight rip off aren’t the issue. When we’re only 5 minutes into a film and the audience is openly laughing out loud at what’s supposed to be a dramatic movie, you know something has gone horribly wrong. The last time I saw a movie where people laughed out loud like this was Crossroads with Britney Spears in the early 2000’s. Yikes! And yet again we turned to each other but this time it was my pal saying “this is really awful, isn’t it?” Um, yea pal it is AWESOMELY AWFUL! We’re talking Syfy Channel level of awesomely awful! It was like we were watching The Village meets Ring of Nibelungs meets Twilight.
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Say it! Out Loud! SAY IT: Fairey Tale!

The Twilight similarities could go on for days beyond the opening title sequence and Billy Burke being the Dad to the insane amount of close ups of the eyes to the werewolf looking like a first draft of the New Moon wolves to the MEADOW scene with Amanda Seyfried and Edward #2 (he was second in line for Edward after Rob!) to the love triangle to the “say it out loud” part to werewolves to the “specially abled kid.” Ok, so there wasn’t a specially abled kid in Twilight, unless you consider BooBoo/Seth special.
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Now why don't you try acting more like ME this time...

I won’t even go into the REALLY awkwardly sexual town dance sequence (that I’ve since reenacted twice for friends) but that’s about the moment I had an epiphany. Red Riding Hood is really the film adaptation of your cougar lady Ren. Faire Harlequin romance novel fan fic you wrote on vacation last year. Cause who really has names like Valerie and Cesaire and Henry and Suzette and Claude if they’re not in a Fanfic or Soap Opera? After I realized THAT it all made sense… the main character was a blond who gets it on with a guy who was almost Edward who has a dad who wakes up in a pile of his own vomit and has a slutty mom. It was YOUR version of Twilight with YOU as the main character… only sadly you are less Aman anda Seyfried and more a younger version of the Grandma. (sad trombone)
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Don't worry Cathi... I mean grandma it's only FREEZING COLD SNOWING outside

Now my only other question remains: is there a lurid audition tape of Shiloh Fernandez and Amanda Seyfriend (Amandiloh? Shiman?) you’re going to hold over theirs heads, refer to and pull out anytime you do press for movies other than Red Riding Hood in the future?

Yup, I thought so.

Still LOL-ing,
Themoonisdown
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Follow the cut for more questions and observations from Red Riding Hood. I really just couldn’t fit all the awesome into one post
Continue…

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Where are they now? All our old favorites edition!

Dear LTT-ers,

Anytime I hear Lady Gaga’s song “Pokerface” I inevitably think of AmanDUH and I get sad. She was a legend in her own time and then deleted her YouTube account before we barely knew her. Well we KNEW her kitchen and her hallway with the bed sheet strung up and we DEFINITELY knew her “special” husband she made dress us as Edward in their backyard but we didn’t get to see her mature into her artistry. And that got me thinking about all our other old Twilight favorites that we loved and talked about so much… what are they doing now? Are they happy? Do they think back on us and Twilight with fond memories?

So I decided to do a little research and see what our old pals are up to.

How I’ll always think of Michael

Oregano – Michael Angarano will ALWAYS be the Young William in Almost Famous and for that I will always love him and I truly have high hopes that he will or maybe has escaped the Kristen/Robsten nonsense he was aparty too. I heard some rumors of him and Emma Roberts being an item and that would account for the frosty exchange between Rob and Emma on Leno but I don’t care enough to research this. So I’ll take the easy route… from the looks of IMDB he is busy like a bee, but not too much to pace in front of my favorite coffee shop a few weeks ago. My friends had to restrain me from asking what REALLY happened and what Cathi is REALLY like and if Nikki was REALLY involved in the whole final breakdown and if he can get me Patrick Fugit, Zooey Deschanel and Phillip Seymour Hoffman’s numbers.

Catherine Hardwicke – Besides being asked to make appearances at all TGIFriday’s grand openings in the continental US because she’s such a huge supporter of the chain restaurant our dear Jamaican vacation loving cougar is directing movies again! With Billy Burke as a character in her new period piece movie, Red Ridinghood, I wonder if she’ll make him grow a killer pornstache or walk around with a sword in one hand and a can of Vitamin R in the other. Whatever it is we know she’s already got the Lukas Haas/Amanda Seyfried audition tape from her groovy bedroom in Venice Beach on LOCKDOWN.

Sage – Formerly of super group Sage and the Dills. Ok, maybe not super group. But according to Nikki Reed herself she directed Sage’s video for a song which I’m sure I don’t care about but features Nikki’s “friend” Johnny Flynn. Why, Johnny WHY?!

AmanDUH - Oh Amanduh… where for art thou AmandUH?! You made us love you with your renditions of songs from the Twilight soundtrack, your dramatic reading of chapters from Twilight and who can forget the music video you did with your special Husband? We miss you! Where did you go? I did some light googling and found our girl is STILL at it only she runs her own fansite… HER own fansite the Amadah fansite and has like 5 youtube accounts. And I’m sad to report I think she may have left “Special Edward” and the kids in that apartment, changed her name and is now a porn star with a guido looking boyfriend. Maybe. These are my conclusions after my google research.


(if someone can figure out wtf that black line over her lip is, I’ll give you an award)
She’s also decided to honor The Runaways and obviously Kristen’s portrayal of Joan Jett with this stunning hair and makeup job. Though NOT a mullet (amateur!) she does have the pleather painted on! ALL HAIL AMANDUH! She’s back… or at least until she finds out I embedded her video here.

All my fave DILF moments, minus the orange pants

Chris Weitz – The man, the DILF, the legend. He made it alright for us to hope for something better than the Twilight movie. Under his careful guidance and sexy scarves we dared to hope for better FX, better wigs and NO spider monkeys. We got 2 of the 3. And we’re forever grateful. Chris paved the way for David Slade to take the reins and OWN Eclipse HARD. We can now only cross our fingers for Bill Condon’s vision for Breaking Dawn and thank Chris Weitz for paving the way. But what is our ol lover up to these days? He famously said he was going to retire after he finished “The Gardener” but by the looks of his IMDB he’s looking sexy as hale AND he’s linked to FOUR new projects that are “in development.” One of these is officially the best movie ever based on it’s title: “Another Bullshit Night in Suck City.” Whatever Chris Weitz ends up doing I’ll always want to give him a hug for making New Moon.

Where will the Bananager and David Slade and Xaiver Samuel end up and all our other latest favorites? Do we think anyone will end up on a future season of Celebrity Rehab? Here’s hoping not unless they have Rehab for an addiction to chain restaurant Italian food. Ahem.

Off to watch a billion AmanDUH  videos!
Themoonisdown

Who do you miss or wonder what ever happen to them? What happened to Buttcrack Santa? Has anyone ever actually been to Sage show?

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

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