Ashley Greene balances out the universe while Kellan whores it out

Sit back and relax while we let our super pregnant reader Lisa take the wheel today!!

I’m so much hotter than you

Dear Ashley,

You don’t know me at all, and that’s ok. I was one of the 500+ people who waited in line to get an autograph and picture with you when you were at the opening of New Moon in Woodridge, IL. (Where? Yeah, no kidding. We all wondered why you were there too…) But you might remember me – I was the super pregnant 25 year old (which may or may not have resulted from looking at too many Vanity Fair photo shoots). Needless to say, I stood out a little among the high school crowd there on a “field trip.” I was not, however, the 42 year old woman who was asking you to sign her TwiCon poster. That was not me…I swear. I don’t want any confusion here…..

Anyhoo, I just wanted to say thanks for maintaining balance in the female world. See, you were a total b!tch to me and I find that awesome. When I tried to chat it up with you, you totally shot me down like a pro. Now, I understand that standing (or in your case sitting in a ridiculously plushy, high chair) for 5 hours signing autographs probably sucks slightly more than a 100 Monkey’s jam session. But by the time I saw you, it had only been, like 30 minutes. You weren’t that tired, I could tell. But you were stunning. Like, super-turn me into a fake lesbian, hot. So hot, in fact, that I changed my mind about the $20 picture with you and decided instead to be lame and pay you $20 to sign my book. That’s how much I didn’t want to stand next to your hotness in all my swollen-belly glory. But I digress. Truly I want to thank you. You maintained the hot-girl/ normal-girl-niceness ratio. See, you’re so gorgeous that you just can’t also be nice – it just can’t happen. It would screw things royally for us “normal” girls. We really only have our wits and kindness and moves in the sack (or behind a dumpster, you know, just in case). Hot girls have to be b!tches to maintain this delicate balance. If you were also kind, witty, and great between the sheets, the world just might implode. Or humans would cease to exist because no one would be procreating with us “normal” girls, obviously. So on behalf of “normal” girls everywhere who want to keep their boyfriend/husband/lover, I say THANK YOU!

I’d hug you but you’d probably call security,

Lisa

Dear Kellan,

You were also at the Woodridge, IL theatre signing autographs and it was equally amazing. You were the Twi-whore I was hoping for (I was dreaming of my future accountability partner, really). You flirted with EVERYTHING in sight…..girls were fawning over you, and you noticed. You even said I looked beautiful (even though I am totes huge and preggers) and told my sister she had great dimples (she does, doesn’t she!). Then, you signed my book “Lisa, I love you! Kellan Lutz” **whispers** You know what? I love you too!** My husband tried to tell me that you probably wrote that in everyone’s book, but I think he’s just jealous of our not-so-secret romance. ;)

Sigh,

Lisa

Thanks Lisa! I laughed so hard at your honesty today!

One Year later and our internet game is still ridiculous: The Forum, LTR, Twitter

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