Breaking Dawn is trying to sell us something else

Dear Breaking Dawn Promo stuff,

Sometimes I get the feeling you are trying to sell me more than just the movie. Like when I look at the promo pictures it feels like there’s really an underlying message or brand I’m being sold. It’s as if the Summit Marketing team got together to come up with some ideas for “brand partnerships” to create “film and corporate synergy.” Yea, I’m pretty sure the word “synergy” was used a lot… So when I saw this latest batch of promo headshots from Breaking Dawn I knew I had to be onto something…
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Poor dude who plays Caius, with every movie he loks progressively more and more like Fabio. They might as well just give him a tub of butter to hold while he’s sitting behind Aro in the Voltera, Italy scenes and help make some extra money with product placement.

Charley Bewley is like one faux hawk and guy liner fueled make up and hair session away from his own Ed Hardy ad campaign. Poor guy, it’s not like he wants a rhinestrone tiger havng sex with a Koi fish on his chest, give the guy a break folks.
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Carlisle’s not just the president, he’s also a member!

Dude, Carlisle is already winning the race for worst wig in Breaking Dawn and we haven’t even seen the film yet. YIKES.
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Sure, most of Kellan’s life has been spent looking like an outtake from International Male Catalogue but we don’t need the official promo shots reminding everyone! Though I’m pretty sure Emmett did some Internantional Male Modeling in the 80s, I don’t want to see his mesh shirt collection any times soon.

(For a good time google image search “International Male Catalogue”)
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Why does Edward ALWAYS end up looking like an Insurance salesmen/Real Estate broker/Weatherman/Boringest Person In the World??? How is it possible to make Robert Pattinson look like the dad across the street? Stop trying so hard Wardrobe Dept! We know he’s 107 years old, we’re supposed to be tricking the dumb Forks, WA townspeople not making a neon sign pointing to this guy saying “This guy could be your great grandpa not your son’s classmate!”
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Sorry Alice… Sorry Twimoms but COME ON! Though I feel this latest incarnation of Alice’s hair is probably closeted to how Stephenie describes it, it still looks like she should be loading up orange slices and Capri Suns into the mini van.
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While Emmett was busy modeling for International Male in the 80s, Jasper deciding to make some extra dough moonlighting at the local Chippendale’s club. Doing that face the entire time. Just that face, some cuffs and a g string. All night long. Try not to laugh. When Chippendale’s went belly up because of a Bachlorette party done awry Jasper made the move to modeling heinous man jewelry for Hot Topic. They already have replica Bella saint bracelets, the wedding ring and Alice’s velvet choker (!!!) why not take the next step and offer the small male contingency who loves Twilight some Jasper jewelry? I know what I’m getting The Font and White Yorkie for Christmas! Terrible  jewelry!!!

Am I the only one who feels this way about some of these promo’s? Maybe I should be hired by Summit to oversee Brand Synergy! Clearly, I have a knack for what’s happening.

Off to Chipendales!
Themoonisdown

Why do they always look so crazy? Do you guys feel the same way?

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Twilight News Dump – The Of Course edition

We're crazy bro!!!

Dear LTT-ers,

Since there’s nothing HUGE happening (besides the filming of Breaking Dawn) and tons of tiny little things happening AND because when I realize that some of you great readers only come here for I news, I thought it might be nice to have a news dump.

OF course Jackson would be wearing red pants and a top hat in a picture for something called the “Liquid Zoo” album and tour… of which I will not be purchasing OR attending. Love you Jacky! PS 40 cities?? REALLY?? OF COURSE!

Of course the day AFTER BrookeLockart shows up to The Grove in LA from outta town, Ashley Greene would make an appearance there. OF COURSE!

Not really rebels without a cause

Of course at the Breaking Dawn wrap party the cast took turns riding a teeeeny tiny motorcycle that Taylor brought. I bet Big Daddy was sad. OF COURSE!

Of course Robert Pattinson is going to be on 10546546 TV Shows to promote Water for Elephants! And of course you know they’re gonna ask about Twilight and of course they’re gonna ask about you know who and OF COURSE we (meaning Jena) have you covered on the DVR alerts page.

Of course the pie guy slash the guy from The Fall talks to us Twi fans and makes me more excited to see him as Garrett whoever that is. I hope Garrett is a pie maker.

Of course Carlisle Cullen would land at #2 on the Forbes list of most wealthy fictional characters and OF COURSE his cover would be blown because they list his stocks in blood and his “daughter” Alice’s penchant for seeing the futre. GOOD JOB fake Forbes, now they have to move again! OF COURSE! #respectthecullens

Of course we all thought the Official Twilight Illustrated Guide was never coming out so OF COURSE you are really confused when it showed up in your mail today but OF COURSE you ordered it back in 2008. If you didn’t you can get it here

Of coure Catherine Hardwicke talks about Twilight and Rob while doing promo for her OTHER (laughable, LIT-TRALLY) movie. And OF COURSE we roll our eyes. SHOW US THE TAPE! Shut up or put up! Or whatever the saying is.

So of course now you’re all caught up on all the news that doesn’t matter and of course all we really want are some legal OFFICIAL stills or maybe a teensy clip from Breaking Dawn but we’ll solider on and pray that November 18 comes faster than it already is.

Happy Hump Day!
Themoonisdown

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The Crystal Ball of Twilight – What does the future hold?

In the year 2000000000

Dear Twilight,

I was just reading this lovely Hollywood Reporter post yesterday about your movie studio, Summit’s money woes in trying to get their business refinanced. Now, of course we don’t know anything about how this all works and how money is made and spent and financiers but UC and I got to talking after I sent her the link. She asked me if, after all this Twilight stuff, after all it’s success, after all the clams it made and after all the stuff we went through, if I could imagine if Summit folded. I honestly laughed thinking it might just be the best ending for this whole thing. Of course I don’t wish any ill will and hope they keep on making shiz, but it made me laugh and also made me think about the future of the rest of the cast, people involved and Stephenie herself . Our conversation made me think of one of my favorite Conan O’Brien skits called “In the Year 2000” where he and a guest would dress up in weird futuristic space capes and talk about what will happen in the future while they held flashlights pointed at their chin. Amazing. Of course.

So let’s fast forward to the year 2000 and see what happens after Summit folds and Twilight the movies are no more…

Rob quits acting and moves into into a hovel with TomStu where they form a Jackson Rathbone/100 Monkey’s-esque performance troupe and tour the country side of small eastern block european countries. They are begged by the Russian government to be specimens in a body odor experiment

Kristen moves to the the way west valleto take over her mom’s wolf hybrid breeding business with her life partner

After being dumped by every goodie two shoes in Hollywood, Taylor Lautner vows to a life of celibacy and becomes the Christian Tom Cruise

Catherine Hardwicke is finally blackballed from every major media outlet after continuing to rant on about the Robsten audition tape long after no gave a crapsten anymore. She moves to Puerto Vallerta to meet some groovy Mexican beach bums and films her passion project: a documentary about the creator of the Margarita

Stephenie Meyer lets loose and bares her shoulders while on a weekend wine tasting trip WITH US to Napa. Oh yes, she starts drinking. Who wouldn’t after all this?

Ashley Greene will become the next Jennifer Aniston complete with wildly popular tv series, a string of movies where she plays the same character (herself), a failed marriage to Joe Jonas/Kellan Lutz/whoever and spends her days jetting to Mexico thinking about her cats and “the one that got away” (Spoiler: Jackson Rathbone).

Tips welcome!

Jackson Rathbone runs away to join the circus as a one-man-band after he learns that Ashley Greene (aka “The one that got away) is marrying Joe Jonas/Kellan Lutz/Whoever.

Justin Chon becomes the biggest movie star in the world!

Big Daddy – After becoming a contestant on The Biggest Loser and getting his butt kicked by new trainer and LTT reader Olivia he becomes the Subway/Jared-esque spokesperson for McDonalds new GRILLED fish sandwich.

Solomon Trimble – Yea, I just don’t think I can make a manager at the Home Depot joke. He ran away to Puerto Vallerta with Cathi to be her pool boy / key grip / Margarite pour-er.

Xavier Samuel will still be hot.

Dakota Fanning will win her 239th consecutive Homecoming Queen title even thought she will have graduted decades prior.

So what started out as an innocent convo about what the hale is happening with this refinancing turned into something we just had to share. Because really WHAT will they be doing after Twilight is all over… your guess is as good as ours!

In the year two thouuuuusaaaaaand!
Themoonisdown

66 Commented

Year in review and our 2011 Twilight Resolutions!

Dear LTT-ers,

We started a tradition when we first began this blog in 2008 by making resolutions for the year ahead. We made plans for ourselves and the blogs and have kept tract of our progress. It’s amazing how many we’ve made happen and how many we’ve failed miserably on. So of course it’s New Year’s Eve 2010 and time to revisit our 2010 resolutions and make our resolutions for the next year…

Our 2010 Resolutions…

1. Actually get ON the red carpet at the Eclipse premiere and not be standing across the street trying to figure out if that’s Rob’s hair or Mike Welch on stilts that the girls are screaming for. Verdict = half FAIL!

While we weren’t OFFICIALLY on the red carpet to interview or represent the fans we were VERY close, close enough to tell it was definitely Rob and NOT Mike Welch. We even had a gaggle of LTT-ers there in multiple locations so we had ALL angles covered. Sadly, we did not get to interview anyone to ask what they order at the Olive Garden BUT there’s always next year! 2011!!
Moon/UC: .5 People Who Want Us to Fail: .5

2. Get a picture with Kaleb Nation to commemorate meeting him instead of running into him accidentally while looking for a bathroom and then totally forgetting to get a picture since we were too busy thinking about not peeing our pants. Verdict = FAIL!

Kellan wants to know if we're gonna study Hebrews or Corinthians next, your choice honey!

So we meet up with Kaleb like 320489324 times this year: DVD release, Eclipse Con, Premiere. but NO pic. We even got pictures with the girls from The Twilight Lexicon and Larry 411 and yet no TwiGuy. FAIL!  Those moments will live on in our hearts forever though.
Moon/UC: .5 People Who Want Us to Fail: 1.5

3. Watch Ashley Greene’s sex tape when she inevitably makes one and live blog it… blow by blow… um, that’s what she said? Verdict = FAIL!

4. Meet Stephenie Meyer and not have her call the police on us Verdict = WIN x a gabillion!!!

We all know how this turned out… I think we can forget the rest and say 2010 was a huge WIN for LTT based on this alone!
Moon/UC: 1.5 People Who Want Us to Fail: 2.5

5. Take it up a notch with our video skills & perhaps write a theme song for them. Verdict = WIN!

We did have “In the car with UC” but never did upload “Under the Loquat Tree with Moon” (which does exist… in my yard). We did have videos from our meeting with Stephenie (in our hotel room), from the premiere, getting interviewed on tv, video for VH1 that never aired, and some others…
Moon/UC: 2.5 People Who Want Us to Fail: 2.5

tie ball game folks…..

6. Only see New Moon and Eclipse in the theater in numbers below the teens – This goes for Eclipse as well… When the popcorn guy knows you by name it’s time to seek help and a shock collar. Verdict = WIN!

I only saw Eclipse 1 and 3/4ths times in the theater and UC saw it twice! So we WIN!
Moon/UC: 3.5 People Who Want Us to Fail: 2.5

Preparing for the fall out

7. Host a peace summit in Copenhagen between big name players in the Robsten vs Nonsten world and decide if we can all finally get along. Maybe if we come to an agreement we can sing we are the Rob together. Verdict = FAIL!

SO fail… we all know how that went down, UC got called a Nonsten devil, I was called everything under the sun, people were sued, people quit being friends, nasty things were said all over the interwebs. And nothing was resolved expect for Robsten vs Nonsten arguably being resposible for taking the fun out of the fandom. World peace may not actually be possible. If they stayed together or they broke up… it would just get uglier. So much so we may need to build a fall out shelter from the war that will ensue between the Krisbian suicide bombers and the Rob fans (they need a better name). We gotta be prepared and think ahead. In fact that’s the new fandom motto and we’re not talking tents and autograph books. We’re talking gas masks and bullet proof vests cause shit will get REAL REAL when that happens.

This resolution was SO fail, in  fact, NO ONE got  a win.
Moon/UC: 3.5 People Who Want Us to Fail: 3.5

8. We promise to continue to be controversial. We started writing thus blog because we couldn’t’ believe the lameness of the fandom. We still can’t. So we’ll continue to call it as we see it by KIR, you know: Keeping it Real. Verdict = WIN!

Done and done!! We kept it so real everyone got called names not just us. Whew.
Moon/UC: 4.5 People Who Want Us to Fail: 3.5

Wait, you have a dadcase too Big Daddy?!

9. Meet Big Daddy Lautner. Tell him we love him more than the entire cast combined and would love to have a conversation over a Filet O Fish. Try not to act surprised when he has NO idea who we are. Verdict = FAIL!

WIN WIN WIN! This may have taken us till June to roll out and we may have been hacked by some losers in BFE and it may have it’s moments we want to strangle it and we may spend many Sunday mornings fixing it but it happened and we couldn’t be happier!

So let’s get on to our resolutions for 2011!

HAHAHA I love fan posters!!

1. Breaking Dawn Part 1 (and 2) RED CARPET! – Our next logical step would be to be ON the carpet officially. We need to be close enough to count Mike Welch’s nose hairs, to see if our gaydar is pinging correctly on a few people AND to offer a prayer of protection and success for Kellan. He’s appreciate a laying on of hands in the middle of the carpet. This is one of our last chances to make this happen. Come on cosmic justice of the universe, don’t fail us now!!!

2. Meet Big Daddy – We’re gonna carry this one over from last year because our blogging life really can’t be complete without meeting the man, the mystery, the legend behind Taylor Lautner. We promise to spring from the cannolli for dessert if we get to meet sir!

3. Make another appearance at this year’s Comic Con in San Diego. 2009 Comic Con was a blast: throwing elbows, seeing all the new footage from NEW MOON (wow, that was forever ago). With Breaking Dawn being filmed NOW you know there’s gonna be something good at this summer’s Comic Con and we aim to be there!

Your turn Moon!

4. Since UC got to meet and interview Jackson Rathbone and be bequeathed the most unfortunate name of: Superfan, Moon too must undergo the embarrassment of being called  Twilight Superfan in 2011 by interviewing Kellan Lutz or another 2nd tier cast member.

5. Host another LTT blow out shin dig during the premiere week of Breaking Dawn Part 1! Preferably with karaoke because “Back to December” will NEVER sound as good as it would at an LTT party after drinking Cougarita’s or Mr. Choice’s special concoction called “Bella’s Blood.”

6. Infiltrate the set of Breaking Dawn for some sort of exclusive access. If Summit or the paparazzi or the people of Baton Rouge won’t bring it to us, we’ll just have to go get it ourselves. Good thing our passports are current, just in case we need to be ready to roll with Summit/Stephenie/Bill Condon/Big Daddy/Kellan or whoever invites us for a visit.

THE bed

7. Go to Venice Beach, break into Cathi’s groovy beach pad and steal THE AUDITION TAPE so that we can finally put to rest her claims of their amazing chemistry for what it really is: 2 awkward young adults making out on an old ladies bed while she tapes it.

Ok, so do you think we can do these? Are we gonna full of WIN next December 2011 or are the people who want us to fail going to be rejoicing? Only time will tell.

Happy New Year!!!!
Moon and UC

What are your New Year’s resolutions?

BUSINESS TIME!
Oh- We don’t want to forget to tell you, starting January 3rd the Biggest Loser challenge on the Forum (renamed “Resolutionary Challenge 2011″) is kicking off: Make sure you join everyone if you’re looking for fun, encouragement & healthy living in 2011!!! Resolutionary Challenge 2011

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33 Commented

What (should have) happened in the Twilight world in 2010

Dear Twilight,

Since it’s that time of year when we start to wrap up 2010 and think about 2011, I was thinking about recapping the past year of Twilight. But then I thought to myself, “Wow… how incredibly boring, UC. Anyone who is a reader of LTT knows exactly what happened in the world of Twilight in 2010 and exactly when it happened (and probably what they were wearing at the time).” So I thought, why don’t I recap what should have happened in 2010? We’re all about the fanatical fantasy here at LTT, so why stop now? I give you: Twilight in 2010: What should have happened!

The 100 Monkeys broke up. As a result the Goodwill received an onslaught of “Monkey bags,” and past concert goers stopped fleeing to their Doctors complaining of ‘bleeding ears”

Kellan came out of the closet. Then went to Christian Gay camp & learned how to resist the urge. Then was caught at the Eco-lodge with a man. Coincidentally it was his counselor from Christian Gay camp.

Be still my Swiftner loving heart

Swiftner became a bigger celeb couple than Robsten. A Karate video was produced to a country music soundtrack, selling more than Justin Bieber’s latest album. A pre-teen war ensued. A lot of Jonas Brothers sleeping bags were destroyed. I think. Do tweens still like the JoBros?

BigDaddy realized that the Olive Garden is much better when UC & Moon are there to share his breadsticks. TWSS.

Midnight Sun was finished and as a result, for a full 12 hours, not a woman over the age of 10 was seen in public.

The media & public realized Robsten are a really boring couple (Is it “Robsten are?” or “Robsten is”? Is this in the dictionary somewhere? “How do you properly formulate a sentence using the plural form of Robsten?” Does anyone know? Do you think Summit knows? Do you think they have a guy in their office just to grammatically correct all the “Robsten” sentences they write? Most importantly, how does the CEO address Robsten when he makes photo-shopped manips of the two of them to send to his wife on humpday?

“TwiPorn” and “RobPorn” went back to their original meanings: Pictures of Twilight male characters doing chores around the house. Much more boring, much more safe for work, plus you feel better about yourself after seeing Peter Fach vacuuming instead of opening an email attachment to see Kellan holding a huge scholong with the caption “Bite this.”

Catherine Hardwicke made a movie that looked nothing like Twilight

These pants will be EVERYWHERE this spring

Chris Weitz showed up in public again to introduce his men’s fashion line called “DILF,” featuring a limited edition mustard-colored pant

Rob’s head was not photo-shopped onto the bodies of any men who also do gay porn.

Stephenie called Pancho “Nacho” in public. Coincidentally they were eating Mexican at the time.

Someone finally admitted visiting Forks is actually kinda boring.

Ashley Greene hooked up with Ian Somerhalder reminding us that what she does best is sleep with men we could never get and bringing more pretty into our lives & giving us (more) excuses to write about Ian.

I mean, is it just me or was 2010 a pretty boring year for the cast? We had a little Swiftner. I think Nikki Reed probably slept with a douche bag. Kellan hooked up with Anna-Lynne again. Jackson fell in love with me, the Twilight Superfan, in Philadelphia & Boo-Boo Stewart’s voice dropped 3 whole notes, but I think that’s it. No one even cares about Ashley & Joe Jonas. Catherine barely tried to remind us that she created Robsten. For as much shit as he talked on Twi before he got the Eclipse directing gig, David Slade turned out to be really boring. Solomon Trimble’s life is kinda too sad to even make fun of anymore, and Chris Hansen and Boo-Boo Stewart jokes just aren’t as funny as they were with Taylor Lautner. Come on Twilight in 2011, you BETTER give us SOMETHING good!

Love,
UnintendedChoice

What did I miss? What else (should have) happened in the world of Twilight in 2010!?

Oh- We don’t want to forget to tell you, starting January 3rd the Biggest Loser challenge on the Forum (renamed “Resolutionary Challenge 2011″) is kicking off: Make sure you join everyone if you’re looking for fun, encouragement & healthy living in 2011!!! Resolutionary Challenge 2011

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53 Commented