Thursday Twilight Video to cure those July Blues

Dear Twilight,

I generally save videos for Open Weekend Posts, but I’m kinda in the mood for a big laugh today. I don’t know about you, but I’m in a major slump. Probably because I’m coming off my June-high & it’s mid-July & nothing is going on in my life. And boxes are yet to be unpacked STILL in my apartment, I can’t find curtains for my 13′ windows, Eclipse buzz has died down (I only saw it twice and am not even sure I’m going to go for a third time. Bad Fan? Or blame it on the July blues?) And I’m clearly PMSing. Obviously. Not to mention today is THURSDAY, not Friday, and I really need it to be Friday.

Anyway, The Stacey’s sent this to me (actually I think just one of them sent it to me & just copied the other. I get confused though- the Staceys are two girls named Stacey who met on LTT and are basically the same person except not. They even use the same email company which REALLY confuses me. I really need to learn which last names belongs to whom. But that takes effort & I already told you- it’s Thursday. Effort was over by Monday at 10 am) ANYWAY, I laughed the entire 6 min. and 11 seconds this was playing. It really makes me wish that Moon & I could blog full-time. Do you KNOW the amount of videos & audio masterpieces we would produce? We have epic instructional videos in our idea book that are just dying to be made. We discussed tonight the need for Moon to obtain a sugar daddy, since Mr. Choice, while a lovely husband, is not that. Moon is headed to Africa next week*, and so I suggested she meet a Kenyan Royalty. She said she’d hop on over to Dubai and meet a Sheik and become his LA Harem girl. I’m allowed to join the Harem too, as long as I show the Sheik the Leg Hitch.

Anyway, that’s a letter for another day, our scheme to find sugar daddys so we can blog about vampires full-time. For now, there’s just laughter and the refusal to admit it’s only Thursday:

There! Now don’t you feel better!? (Sorry if you’re stuck at work, unable to watch this video. I feel really badly for how much your day is going to suck as a result. Watch it immediately when you get home- before you pet the dog, take off your shoes, kiss your man or feed the baby. Trust me)

One day until Friday,
UnintendedChoice

PS: If you happen to be a Unicorn Sheik Sugardaddy from Dubai or Kenya country, Moon will be there next week- do you mind sitting down for a one-on-one with her? See how you guys get along? She just wrote a pretty amazing one shot lesbian fan fic in our most recent chat session that she promises to release under a penname if you can sugardaddy our way to full time vampire-blogging. Thanks

*Moon really WILL be in Africa (flying through Dubai!) next week! She leaves a week from today and will be disconnected for TWO WEEKS. Don’t ask me how I’ll get through. I have no idea. I do know that on the second part of her trip, I will also be away on vacation….SOOOO that means we need YOUR help! Send in your bestest, most creative letters to letterstotwilight@gmail.com for us to consider sharing with the world while we’re busy meeting Sheiks and eating crab cakes at the beach!

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60 Commented


What if Twilight didn’t Fade to Sad?

Dear Twilight hornballs,

When Moon & I gave Stephenie her LTT gifts after our big interview, she opened up the notebook that said “Fade to Black Sad” on the front (inside contained a private, REAL “letter To Stephenie” (sneak peek: “We love you more than Robsteners love the idea of Rob & K getting it on on a bear skin rug in front of a fire”)) she said (I’m paraphrasing), “I’m sorry guys- I just can’t write what really happens! I have kids- I can’t read that to them” (She DOES read her books to her kids! AW- “Mommy- what’s a leg hitch?” “Come here, Pancho, let’s show them how it’s done”) And I responded (paraphrasing)- “WE HATE YOU SO MUCH We understand. As much as we want to know the details that exist in YOUR magnificent brain, if you were really specific your story would end up on the shelf next to those books with Fabio on the cover.”

And it’s true. Can you imagine if Breaking Dawn DIDN’T “fade to black?” I mean, isn’t the sexual tension and the non-sex what keeps the story going at times? As much as I love reading a little sexytimes story to pick up new tips- I’m sorry- any story that says “shaft” isn’t one I feel I can proudly show on my bookshelf. Here I’ll prove it:

He stood, his back to me, waist deep in the midnight water, staring up at the oval moon. The pallid light of the moon turned his skin a perfect white, like the sand, like the moon itself, and made his wet hair black as the ocean…The water was so clear, I swear I could make out the entirety of his shaft.

How’s that for a description? Don’t you wish included more details like that? Here’s another:

I slipped the towel off without hesitation, leaving it on the tree with his clothes, and walked out into the white light; it made me pale as the snowy sand too… I stepped in, walking carefully across the invisible ocean floor, but my care was unnecessary; the sand continued perfectly smooth, sloping gently toward Edward. I waded through the weightless current till I was at his side, and then I placed my hand lightly over his cool hand lying in the water…”Bella touch my shaft” he whispered.

RobioDamn I’m all hot and having visions of Edward as Fabio right now.  It CAN believe it’s butter, baby….

I was talking to @Brookelockart about this very topic & she said she doesn’t necessarily wish for lemons, but she would like a little lemon zest from time to time. I think she means something a little bit like this:

He shuddered the tiniest bit at my warm touch. His breath came rougher now. “I promised we would try,” he whispered, suddenly tense. “If… if I do anything wrong, if I hurt you, you must tell me at once…” At that moment I had such a wet center that all I could think of was his throbbing member.

Now THAT’S the story I always wanted. Don’t want me to stop!? Okay:

“Don’t be afraid,” I murmured. “We belong together.” I was abruptly overwhelmed by the truth of my own words. And by the heat radiating from my wet sex. This moment was so perfect, so right, there was no way to doubt it.

NOW the story is perfect!!! Actually, if you did think my addition to the quotes added an element to the story you were really missing, it’s probably time you donate your stack of $3.99 paperbacks from Wal-mart to a local dumpster. Maybe we want to know MORE of what happened, but have you ever read a book that’s delivered the goods without going the ‘way of the shaft?’ I’ve read some HOT book sex scenes. I remember story time at the beach while on vacation with friends when ItalianGirl read a scene out loud of sex & cigarettes while riding horseback. It was GREAT- but the word “Shaft” was used like 120 times. Seriously. We get it. The dude has a big one. You liked it, female protagonist.

Isn’t the “fade to sad” why we love the #LegHitch so much!? It’s something FINALLY worthy of interest for those 14 or older that goes down between Edward & Bella. And we hold our breath and wait while Edward’s hand trails down Bella’s calf and under her knee to pull up her leg and hitch it around his hip. SQUEE! As (mostly) grown, experienced women, that sort of stuff shouldn’t excite us the way it does. But it DOES. And I’m so glad. It reminds me of my innocence so long gone. And while I want more- and REALLY want to know what happens in Stephenie’s mind (There’s a pool in Arizona that had Isle Esme acted out in its entirety I’m SURE!) if the options are “Fade to Sad” vs “Fade to Shaft…” wellllll, I guess I’ll take sad.

His arms wrapped around mine, holding me against him, summer and winter. It felt like every nerve ending in my body was a live wire. “Forever,” he agreed, and then pulled us gently into the deeper water. And onto his shaft.

Sorry! Couldn’t resist!

Love,
UnintendedChoice

PS: I asked for Mr. Choice to suggest “non-perverse but totally gross sex words” to help me with this letter & while I appreciated his desire to help….. well, no… I did not use his suggestions!

So what do you think? Ever read a non-shaft-mentioning sex story that WASN’T worthy of Fabio on the cover? Think Breaking Dawn could have added a bit more details and stayed the way of the Twilight Saga- innocent yet filled with sexual tension? How upset WERE you that Breaking Dawn ended up “Fading to Sad?”

Did you know we sell “Fade to Sad” Stuff in our LTT_LTR store! Fade to Sad today!!!

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

177 Commented


Open Weekend Post: Um, Duh Summit

Dear Summit,

I’d like to draw our reader’s attention to today’s “What the F*ck Moment” courtesy of YOU (yet again)

Seriously? First of all everyone claims they sell “Bella’s Jacket” including my very favorite modcloth.com (which sold out QUICKLY back in 2006- or maybe it was 2009- whatever. FOREVER ago)  MAYBE this is the ‘real’ Bella’s jacket & maybe they shouldn’t be claiming connection to Twilight without permission, but dude. Seriously? Do you guys not have anything better to do other than sue people? You sued a fan (Delaneyg84 on Twitter for those of you in the dark (aka lucky) who loves Robsten & leaked Eclipse stills before anyone else did), you sued someone who took a video camera into a theater & got a shitty capture of PART of New Moon for her digital scrapbook. What’s next?

I figured I’d take the liberty of helping you out with some ideas of who to sue:

  • Olive Garden- for making such delicious breadsticks that Big Daddy, and therefore Taylor, can’t resist. Free advertising for them due to your Golden Boy!
  • All restaurants in New Orleans for using Fish Fry. Harry did NOT okay that
  • The estate of Kurt Kobain for all the flannel he wore in the 90s
  • Bears. Everywhere. Cause they should be wolves. Bella said.
  • Hipsters with mustaches- they didn’t get Charlie’s permission.
  • People holding apples in supermarkets. They don’t have the license to do that- the hand model is the only one allowed.
  • Vampire Diaries- do I have to explain? Vampires? Love story? Love triangle? Twilight did it forty millionth first
  • Spider-monkeys
  • God for not getting permission before the partial lunar Eclipse last Saturday
  • Moon & I for all our wise cracks over the years. BRING.IT.ON. Imagine all the letter possibilities!

That should get you started! Happy suing random people!

Love,
UnintendedChoice

Who ELSE should Summit sue!??

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

93 Commented


Team Jacob, almost

Things we have in common: Pale, Brown hair & eyes, F*cking Rob Pattinson- oh wait.. nm...

Dear Bella,

I first read about you long before I had a friend to talk about you with, an actress to put a face to your name or a vision of you as a sub or slutty secretary. And I liked you. I related to you- minus the hot vampire boyfriend part. It was to my surprise when I finally got a friend to read about you, that she wasn’t impressed. Not necessarily with the saga- she liked it enough, but she thought you were…. ANNOYING! And WINEY! And unfair to Edward & Jacob. Okay, I can agree with the last part, especially in Eclipse, but I never really had much to complain about you prior to that.

Turns out, a LOT of people really think you went too far with Jacob in Eclipse. Of course those are the people who are 100% Team Edward. There are also those who think you didn’t go far ENOUGH with Jacob. Those people are crazy and we all agree should be locked up (except for Stephenie Meyer, who we’re 97.6% convinced IS Team Jacob. We need her to stay around to never ever finish Midnight Sun or write about Jashley)  I, on the other hand, am also 100% Team Edward, and sure I wasn’t happy about the way you strung Jake along, but on the mountain, after the tent scene, when you beg Jake not to leave and then ask him to KISS you- I’ll admit, I was cheering you on in my head. Of course IMMEDIATELY afterward I felt regret, disgust & guilt, but in the moment I was there with you- urging you on, hoping you slipped a little tongue in, grabbed a hold of his hair and pushed yourself up against him a little harder. I know, I’m a little ashamed of myself.

well.. almost...

So it shouldn’t surprise you that on Tuesday evening when I got to see you and Jacob in PERSON on the big screen, my reaction mirrored the one I had in the book. As the moment drew near, I felt the build in my stomach, the shortening of my breath, the beginnings of a cold sweat running down my back. When you demanded Jacob not leave, a smile crept onto my face. It was at that moment when I was distracted by a movement to my left. Moon, in the seat next to me, COVERED her face with her hand. She spread her fingers slightly so she could view the screen, but her stance was one of fear. We must’ve looked ridiculous with my giddy smile and slight bounce in the seat & Moon’s fear of what we both knew was coming. And then it happened. You asked Jacob to kiss you. And he did. Sloppily, too fast, heads moved too much and I’m not sure I saw the french kiss of my imagination, but it happened. And I yelled with joy along with Team Jacob. And when it was over, I felt the utter shame & humiliation.

I think I understand you. I think I understand your plight. You love them both. I love you with them both. I’d love myself with them both even more, especially if it were at the same time, but that’s for someone to write about and send to me secretly so I can keep it stashed in my secret fan fiction drawer next to my bed. Jacob is perfect for you. Jacob understands you. Jacob would be amazing for your future. But Edward is your soulmate. You and Edward are made for each other. You and Edward fit. (Plus imprinting on a child is weird enough. Let’s not add in Jacob imprinting on a child he MADE with YOU!)

DO IT DO IT! (Even though Bella looks like a wolf here....)

So when Jacob sauntered over to you and brought your face close to his and lowered his lips down on yours, I was chanting “Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!” along with the 12 Team Jacob members in the theater. I knew the consequences of the choice I was making (name that quote) but I yelled it anyway. Well, quietly. Cuz I think Moon had a knife in her purse she would have used on me had I vocalized what was in my head.

So you should know you’re not alone. There are those who feel you chose wrong & should have gone with Jacob, but they are crazy people who sleep with wolf stuffed animals. Then there are those who whole-heartedly knew Edward was the best for you from the beginning, and there is a special place in heaven for them with personal mansions filled with rooms specifically for pillow biting, headboard breaking & egg cooking in the nude. And then there are those like me- who hugged a stuffed animal wolf for like 3 seconds once and had a good time doing it, but then threw it in a blender, turned in into cotton & made some sexy lingerie from it which was promptly removed before breaking headboards, biting pillows & showing Jacob how it’s done with Edward, the only one for you!

So you & I considered the other guy for like a half a second, but we chose right! I got your back, Bella!

Love,
UnintendedChoice

So… were you like Team Moon covering your face in horror of what was to come? Or are you joining Team UC where you got excited for a split second for the kiss with the boy that almost was the one?

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

181 Commented


Christmas Caroling with the Cullens

Dear LTTers,

How are you!? Stuffed? Tired? Are you wearing your new clothes and playing your new CDs and watching your new DVDs? Good. Moon & I are busy with our families this weekend, but have no fear! We don’t plan to stop the holiday celebration. In fact, we both printed out today’s caroling lyrics and plan to lead our families in many rousing choruses throughout the day. So don’t stop the holiday celebrations! Get back in the spirit by singing the following Christmas carols with more appropriate lyrics!

“I’m Dreaming of a Black Christmas” Listen to the Real song here

Now that Edward is back, Bella spends less time with Jake. She’s not as happy as Stephenie Meyers makes her seem. And the holidays are especially tough. Bella is all sentimental…. wishing for more time with Jake. And so she sings this tune….

Who invited Buttcrack Santa?

I’m dreaming of a Black Christmas
Just like they have down on the res
Where Emily bakes her muffins
and jorts are in fashion
and everyone does what Sam Uley says

I’m dreaming of a Black Christmas
Just like when that wolf was my best friend
I won’t even throw a face punch
when he tries to kiss me
really, he wouldn’t be a bad boyfriend

I’m dreaming of a Black Christmas
Every time Emmett jokes that I’m his snack
May your days be 110 degrees and laidback
And may all your Christmases be Black

Sing more tunes after the jump! Continue…

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