We wish you a Cullen Christmas

Dear LTTers,

Merry Christmas Eve! If you don’t celebrate Christmas, merry time of year when everyone says “Merry Christmas” to you and you look at them and say, “But I don’t celebrate Christmas” and they stare back at you, not understanding, in a santa hat!

Moon and I have objected ourselves to 2nd-hand embarrassment, yet again, to wish you a very Merry Christmas.

Love,

UC & Moon

After the jump, read all the wonderful lyrics penned by @Brookelockart, Moon & myself. Print them out and have a family sing-a-long around the dinner table tomorrow! Continue…

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A healthy debate: Kristen Stewart's Acting

Throughout this letter I’m going to use something called sarcasm. Unfamiliar? Read this. Many people hate Kristen Stewart because they are sadface that she is (apparently) with Robert Pattinson. I am one of them. I cannot judge Kristen Stewart fairly without thinking of her with Robert Pattinson. She does a commercial for cat litter and surrounds herself with 18 little white kittens? I hate it because all I can think about is how she gets to do Rob Pattinson after she gets to play with all those adorable kittens. In Adventureland she does a sex scene with a douche-bag married to a Woody Allen darling? She is an automatic awful fake movie sexer because she’s having the real sex with Rob Pattinson. Remember, Read this if you have any questions.

Dear Twilosophy Debate Class 101,

Today we’re going to have a healthy debate. Any questions?

Why are you opening THIS can of worms when we have had peace on LTT for awhile and Robsteners/Nonsteners/Swiftners/Non-Swiftnerers (Wait a second- WHO could be a Non-Swiftnerer? Seriously? Have you seen these two? So freakin’ adorable) have been getting along?

Well, I’ve been thinking a lot about this topic and when I think of stuff I like to share it with the LTT community. Also KStew411 tweeted this amazing video and I really needed a reason to post it

The beginning

Kristen and I had a rocky beginning. First of all she kissed Adam Brody in In the Land of Women, and that’s when I knew I would hate her for eternity. Plus that movie sucked and that pains me to say because I heart Adam Brody something fierce. I remember being very underwhelmed by all the performances in that movie, not just Kristen’s.  I’ll have to break it out again to decide for sure what I think of her specifically, but I’d rather die than do that. So let’s just leave it at that.

KristenAdamBrody

Bitch! Seriously, I'll facepunch you so hard....

And then came Twilight. I walked away consumed with the desire to FACE PUNCH her except I didn’t know it was that desire since FACE PUNCH doesn’t get referenced until New Moon. “SHE gets to DO Rob Pattinson!?” I thought. (Except I didn’t think that since I didn’t think they were DOING it then since I was underwhelmed by their on-screen chemistry and knew nothing of the off screen rumors.) I was confused. I thought her casting was SPOT ON for the character of Bella. But her portrayal of Bella….? Well, it took me awhile to put it into words, but let’s just leave it at- I wasn’t so crazy about it. (Refer to the above video for many of the reasons why)

New Moon

I feared a Twilight repeat. I did. So much of that movie hinged on Kristen’s ability to make us believe in her pain. I came away from that midnight showing really happy with what I saw! I believed her! I felt her loss. I even shed a tear or two even though I knew that Edward would eventually come back and then they’d have some awesome make-out scenes complete with an EPIC Leg Hitch (Don’t do it and DIE, David Slade) and would eventually skinny-dip in the ocean after which they’d do it in probably the most talked about fade-to-black scene ever written, finally resulting in the birth of a half-human, half-vampire genius-child who would be imprinted upon by a werewolf. I cried even though I knew that would happen. (Actually, that’s probably why I cried. Couldn’t he just STAY and give her amazing birthday sex?) Also I didn’t cry until Lykke Li’s “Possibility” came on because I feel emotions through music. Plus, Kristen had my FAVORITE line in all of New Moon. Listen for it here in this clip, courtesy of Brookelockart’s pirated copy of the movie:

Click for awesomeness

So… why the sudden change of heart towards Kristen? Were my expectations SO low for the movie that surpassing them wasn’t that hard to do (That’s actually possible) Did she REALLY step it up a notch this movie? Was Chris Weitz a better director for her? Clearly I just forgot that she was banging Rob with his absence. Instead I thought about flowers, kittens and Swiftner. Or maybe Stewner- yes… that’s right! While watching the movie I invented, in my mind, a real relationship between Kristen & Taylor. She makes him homemade protein shakes while he improves his pectoral muscles. It’s a beautiful relationship. And an obvious one. How else would she know that Taylor carries around little baggies of meat patties? You know, I bet Kristen even bags Tay’s meat patties for him in NAME-BRAND baggies. She loves him that much. Best of all Rob is single & Taylor Swift writes an amazing break-up song that brings me to tears until the end when a wolf is mauled to death by a bear (because afterall, Kristen let us in on a little secret- “They’re Not Bears“) Continue…

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Monday Funnies: Inappropriate thoughts that haunt me about Twilight

Dear people sitting at work hungry for things to distract them from the fact that it’s Monday and you’re sitting at work,

With a new Twilight saga movie, we’re treated with TONS of things we can feature for Monday Funnies.  Get ready for this one. Put down your coffee cup. Go run and pee. Then go pee again and practice your quiet office giggle because this one is gonna have you rolling.  Thanks to @nwalmn on Twitter for sending this our way. And to the blogger, The Bloggess, who is bringing us today’s Monday Funnies:

Inappropriate thoughts that haunt me about Twilight:

1. Why the hell am I reading the Twilight series?

2. The Twilight vampires are so strong that they can inadvertently knock someone’s head off if they aren’t paying attention because humans are as softer than butter compared them. So wouldn’t having sex with Bella be like f*cking a wishing well?

3. No, really. Why am I reading these? I’m 35, for God’s sake. This is more embarrassing than that summer I had all those weird sex dreams about Dumbledore.

4. Wait, I mean Snape. Not Dumbledore. No one has sex dreams about Dumbledore. That would be disgusting.

5. Okay, fine. It was a three-way with Snape and Dumbledore. Ron Weasley was watching for some reason. That part was weird.

Umm Brilliant so far? Yes. Read the rest after the jump! Continue…

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New Moon in 15 minutes

One of my fav things about the craziness of Twilight’s release last year was all the amazing spoofs written and recorded afterwards. Moon brought you the brilliant LOLCats version of New Moon yesterday, so today I bring you my favorite parts of New Moon in 15 Minutes by Cleolinda! Make sure to check out the entire post and enjoy your Sunday laugh! XO- UC

Some English Class

BELLA: ilu bb
EDWARD
: So while we’re on the subject of Romeo and Juliet where everyone can hear us, I’ve been contemplating suicide lately. You know, some ironic but thematically appropriate means involving characters you’re just now hearing about for the first time, should the plot necessitate it. I’m thinking… death by sparkle at high noon.
BELLA
: I SAID, ILU BB
SOME ENGLISH TEACHER
: Mr. Cullen! Please recite a thematically appropriate passage for us, so that the fangirls in the audience can record it on their phones and play it on repeat every night before they go to sleep.
EDWARD
: *sigh*
SOME ENGLISH TEACHER
: A bit louder, Mr. Cullen! Some of them will want to use it as a ringtone.

The Rainforest in Bella’s Backyard

EDWARD: So we’re all leaving town and I don’t want you to come.
BELLA
: Edward, you haven’t wanted me to come for six months now. This is not new.
EDWARD
: Bella, I am too dangerous for you. If I stay in these movies, there will constantly be some threat to you. I must leave you, because I love you.
BELLA
: WTF EDWARD NO
EDWARD
: Bella, let me mansplain this to you, since a frail helpless female would never understand what’s best for her: I am BAD FOR YOU and I have NO SOUL and I am not willing to take yours and sometimes I feel really funny when you kiss me and I think this is bad for my virginity and you are going to GET DEAD if we stay together. Just promise me to stay not-dead after I leave and we’ll call it even.
BELLA
: WTF NO NO NO YOU CAN’T NO
EDWARD
: Okay, LOOK. I am SICK OF YOU and your whining and your clinging and and your endless codependency and these SHITTY, SHITTY MOVIES, OKAY? I am SICK of this endless slo-mo and this magenta lipstick bullshit. I AM A GROWN MAN, NOT A POWDERED DONUT, AND THESE CONTACTS HURT, OKAY? I AM DONE WITH THIS.
BELLA
: EDWARD!
EDWARD: SPARKLE OUT.
BELLA
: EDWARD!!!
EDWARD
: *VAMPIRE HAND*
BELLA: …omg.

[Bella then curls up in the woods to die, too shell-shocked even to notice that Some Ripped Quileute Guy carries her home. She remains catatonic in her room while OCTOBER, NOVEMBER, and DECEMBER drift past her window.]

-Scenes of Bella Attempting to Move on With Her Life
-Scenes of Bella Setting a Good Example for Real-Life Teenage Girls
-Scenes of Bella Putting on Her Big Girl Panties and DEALING WITH IT

More Stuff Happens

[Remember when] Edward rode in on the Vampire Volvo of Great Justice to save [Bella?]. Volvo: The vehicle of choice for busting out hardcore rescue maneuvers, yet dependable enough for the everyday chauffeuring of one’s delicate human.

QUIL: [To Bella] Hey baby, you so pale and slim and clumsy, baby.
JACOB: HEY, DON’T YOU HAVE A TODDLER TO IMPRINT ON OR SOMETHING?

BELLA: Wow… you’re sorta beautiful.
JACOB: : )
BELLA: Now, if you were skinny, pasty, and a foot taller, we’d be in business.
JACOB: : (

Continue the major major Cullen Smiles & laughter, after the jump! Continue…

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UC gets real about New Moon

Dear New Moon,

First, let me preface this by saying I love New Moon the movie even with it’s sometimes cheesiness, occasional flaws (the R&J book on the bed there one minute, gone the next) and Jacob calling Bella “loca” even though he doesn’t speak Spanish. I love it because I love the book- I love the story. Plus it’s so much better than Twilight, which I also loved despite its MAJOR cheesiness and introduction of characters who belong on COPS. However……I gotta get real. New Moon isn’t going to win any Oscars. Then again, no one should have that expectation, so I shouldn’t even need to mention it.  I guess what I’m saying is, I’m a fan. A big, ol’ fangirl who runs a blog about vampires. But I’m a normal girl too. I don’t really talk Twilight outside of my LTT-life & I don’t own one single Twilight T-shirt (which is kinda a travesty). And my favorite movie so far in 2009 is a Woody Allen film. It makes no sense how I could love both Woody Allen AND New Moon. It doesn’t. But… I do. And I make no apologizes.

Moon wrote a killer letter yesterday about the hits & misses in New Moon. And I just got back from MY 3rd viewing with a “Bite Me Edward” notepad filled of thoughts, confessions and…. lists. Yes, I counted how many times Chris Hansen would have arrested me were he watching my face or feeling my pulse race during those 122 minutes. But we’ll save the lists for another time. Right now, it’s time to get real- you gotta hear out my confessions:

What do you mean they ran out of $4.99 all you can eat steamed mussels on the buffet?

Rob: For most of his scenes, I don’t think Rob looks that hot. Sure, there are moments and when he’s on- he’s ON, but the rest of the time…meh. I’m not even saying this because of that under-aged guy. Or because he looks like death at the end.  Maybe it’s because he leaves Bella and I get pissed, or maybe it’s because he looks like he’s hitting the 4:30 pm early-bird special at the Shoneys after winning his shuffleboard match. I don’t know. I’m just confessing…

Sick: I get seasick twice in the movie. Literally- seasick. First when Carlisle stiches Bella up and we have to watch it. WTF!? Why!? Couldn’t we look at some family photos on the fall of Edward and Emmett in the 70s? And then I get sick when the camera is whirling around Bella as she lies on the floor of the forest. I get motion sickness really easily and the first time I saw that scene it took me until Volterra to stop the throw-up feeling.

(ohh ohh) "Oops." "Again?" "Sorry..."

Turned on: I get turned on during the hot kiss between Edward and Bella. You know the one. It’s the one where I forget Rob resembles my Uncle Ernie before he went off to war and get lost in the sounds of his arousal. (and forget they’re for another girl) Interestingly enough, the screen turned off for about 5 minutes in our theater but the sound kept going. It just so happened to be during that scene.  We were pissed. Until…… well… until we received a gift. You can get this gift too. Next time you see the movie, close your eyes during the kissing scene and just listen.  You will get to experience the sound of Rob’s sexual frustration and arousal, without having to look at the reason he is in such a state. It’s pure bliss (If, however, you end up with images of your 11th grade boyfriend making those same noises before saying, “Oops. Do you want me to take that dress to the dry cleaners for you?” we cannot be blamed. It’s easy to mistaken those sounds in a dark theater as 15 year old male premature ejaculation)

See what other awkward stuff I have to say about under-aged boys after the jump Continue…

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