We saw Breaking Dawn and we are Fade to Sad-isfieid

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**BREAKING DAWN REVIEW COMPLETE WITH SPOILERS DUH!!! DON’T READ IF YOU HAVEN’T SEEN BD AND DON’T WANT TO BE SPOILED!**

Forever is only the beginning

Dear Breaking Dawn,

Remember when we said Eclipse was a real movie last July? Well we hadn’t seen you yet. That’s right, just like fine wine and George Clooney, Twilight keeps getting better with age. And with age comes wisdom… here’s what we’ve learned from Breaking Dawn

Things we learned from Breaking Dawn:

  • If we hold hands in public it’s for two reasons: we are either 2nd hand embarrassed at all the Robsten fans squeeling at any kiss/hand hold/dadward/sex scene or we were genuinely scared or grossed out. Cause that happens in this. BD is NOT for the faint of heart.
  • Forget Bella, Edward and Jacob the REAL love triangle of Breaking Dawn is Sue, Charlie and Billy. Cause for realzzzz yall something is going on with the parents. Breaking Dawn has something for every age… There’s still hope after 40!
  • Becoming a vampire means instant boob job, shiny shiny Ashley Greene type hair and a permanent smoky eye. Oh and not to mention the blood red crazy eyes. You think someone will ask for this on Dr. 90210 next season?
  • Twilight movies can be funny for the RIGHT reasons no longer are Bella and Edward going on a drug trip in the Pacific ocean or slow-mo forest running in Anne of Avonlea clothes, there are moments like the wedding toasts which make you LOL because it’s really funny or when BooBoo Stewart and Taylor Lautner have actual funny Big Brother/Little Brother interaction.

His name's BooBoo... yea I know I don't get it either

  • Speaking of BooBoo Stewart, he had more lines in Breaking Dawn than Kellan has had in all the Twilight movies combined. And his name is BOOBOO. Time to get a new agent Kellan.
  • The CGI team used to create the wolfpack earned overtime concealing Kristen’s buttcrack because her gorgeous dress was cut so low in the back. Who knew butt cleavage would be the new IT thing in wedding fashions? Thanks Carolina!
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  • Give Jackson ANY word it doesn’t matter he will throw that faux Texas accent on it and add the Elvis lip curl and make it into a one word stand up comedy routine. We’re still trying to figure out if this is an intentional choice by him or just dumb luck.

Peter sucks at Rock, Paper, Scissors

  • Someone will ALWAYS get shafted and be wearing some sort of heinous wig on their head. Unfortunately, Peter Facinelli drew the short straw this time and to make matters worse, I’m pretty sure his hair line changed in every scene as if the bleached dead animal on his head was taking it last gasps of air before it gave in to it’s inevitable future: lying on top of Mike Dexter’s head.
  • Taylor deserves an award for making the imprinting scene less creepy than we thought it would come off and thank you Bill for showing Renesmee as an adult so everyone else would get it and Chris Hansen could stop hiding in the movie theater broom closet and sit down and enjoy the movie like the rest of us.

Can you not read my lips?! LISTEN CAREFULLY!!

  • Wolves fighting with each other via mind reading is confusing and weird for people not in the know maybe they could have had a fist fight on First Beach or an angry G-chat session instead so I didn’t have to explain what was going on to the super confused couple next to me.
  • Housekeepers in Brazil are super rude and stare a lot… especially when they think their employer is a blood sucking demon. However, the blood sucking demon offers great benefits and a 401k so they keep their mouths shut and keep bringing the eggs.
  • Critics may pan you and haters may hate but ya know what? This ain’t for them. They don’t KNOW Bella and Edward like we do, they aren’t invested like we are. These movies are for us… and the boyfriends and unicorns we drag along with us.
  • The heardboard scene still makes me laugh. HARD.

Babe, let's sleep in tomorrow and go to the 2nd service

  • You know what makes losing your virginity to a preternaturally strong vampire better? Losing it while a song fit for the contemporary service on a Sunday morning plays in the background! For reals though, best song and best scene. Sleeping at Last gets a big HALE YES from us.
  • Speaking of Breaking Hymen, REALLY Bella losing your virginity to a 107 year old virgin was the best night of your life? Maybe the best 50 seconds of your life. Or maybe you’ve got your rose colored glasses on and are romanticizing it a bit.

We do have to say though: Stephenie, thank you (from the bottom of our easily 2nd hand embarassed hearts) for stepping in and not letting them make a Robsten Porno out of the honeymoon sex scenes. THANK YOU!!! It was just right, not too much and not too little… it was perfectly executed so consider us fade to sad-isfied!

Really we loved it… and can’t wait to see it again (and again… and probably again with 10 other people) and then we’ll do some more in depth reviews.

GO SEE BREAKING DAWN! NOW!
Moon & UC

PS See more Breaking Dawn Black Carpet coverage at LTR today! I get Rob-blocked by a certain someone!

PPS Go visit VH1′s Fablife to see yours truly featured as their Super Fans! And Comment!!!

So did you see it?!  WHAT DID YOU THINK!? Favorite scene? Any laughable moments?

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

215 Commented


Breaking it down: Preparing for the wedding and butchering meat

Dear LTT-ers,

There are some new stills from Breaking Dawn out, so you KNOW we were all over those like a Twifan on an Edward pillow. So here we go…
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You're so frugal Alice! You got both our shoes at the BOGO sale at Payless!

The one with THE Shoes
Moon: so it looks like most of these are like wedding planning type pics
UC: i don’t care WHAT designer they are.. they’re hideous
and so are Alice’s
Moon: clearly alice has already been at work because now bella’s wearing skin tight jeans and a pleather jacket from forever 21
 UC: right.. Good job Alice.. we’re getting her there
Moon: the shoes look vintage or just a bit worn
UC: just an odd heel. (bellas)
Moon: like alice took esme’s vintage original early 1900s wedding shoes and added some rhinestone appliqués from michaels to the top
Moon: bellas shoes are like the classier version of when people make their own wedding flip flops, only alice probably used swarovski on those shoes.
UC: I think Bella is saying “I get what you’re saying, Al.. the rhinestones are nice and all, but I really don’t understand why I can’t wear my smelly ol’ Chucks… No one will be able to SEE under my dress anyway.. and anything bad smelling on me just smells good to Edward anyway- so it doesn’st matter that they smell like I’ve warm them while damp since 10th grade”
Moon: do you think bella has to lie down to zip those jeans up? cause daaaamn gina
UC: THose are jeans? I thought that was body paint
 Moon: same diff… twilight brand jeans/jeggings/body paint coming to a hot topic near you. SYNERGY!
Moon:  look at alice’s hair line in the back, so is that a weird shadow or did the wig not fit right and they had to photoshop her REAL hair out???
UC:  hahahah you’re right.. WORST shadow.. or photoshopped hair.  I just.. don’t get Alice’s outfit… BLACK tights? alice would for sure be wearing tights with some sort of design on them and not that soccer mom “top” that covers birthing hips
Moon: i think its more the witchy-librarian shoes she wearing for me… sale at the Port Angeles Kohls yall!
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Belllaaa!! I just met a girl named BELLLAA!!

The with the musical!
Moon: do you think bella took edward to the “bad” part of town (graffiti!) to threaten him with his life if he shoved cake in her face?? cause i would/will SO do that. shes like if theres any cake near my face you will be the 108 yr old vampire virgin
UC: Yes. I also think they could have possibly gone to a dinner theater where they were performing West Side Story & their lucky numbers were pulled to come on stage & dance with the performers.

Does this mean we have to suck the blood of the Jets?

Moon: DUDE so weird how theres a big twilight/west side story connection
UC: what there is?
Moon: how many times have we mentioned it? and its been in that Rob photoshoot
UC: hahaha you’re right
 Moon: bella is going her best “in america” and edward is 100% antone
UC: So true!
Moon: even wearing the same outfit!!!
<—— Look!! —–
UC: hahahahah
Moon: make that belt bella’s wearing red and BOOM
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Follow the jump cause we keep going and it’s Friday and you want a laugh! Duh.
Continue…

52 Commented


The one where we discuss Bella having the EASIEST pregnancy EVER

At about 12:30 last night Mr. Choice said to me “It sounds like instead of blogging you’re playing with your new Facebook profile.” He was right. Sorry LTTers. You’re welcome Zuckerberg. (and for the record, I like the changes. According to FB my very first convo, on 2/1/2005, was with my roommate at the time and was exactly this “…Adam Brody.. ughhh”) Okay onto Twilight:

Yep, you guesed it! I'm going to post lots of pictures of Kristella pregnant today

Dear readers,

Warning: If you don’t have kids, and are squeamish, you should know that this letter contains lots of over-sharing about pregnancy symptoms.  Of course, if you’re squeamish you should probably think twice about getting pregnant, period.  As much as I love having kids, I wish somebody would have told me about all the stuff pregnancy entails.  And you might as well hear it from me, ‘cause your mama’s not going to tell you.  She wants grandkids too much.

Dear Bella,
I’m not one of those girls who hates you.  You know the ones—those TwiHards who want you to drop dead so they can have Edward to themselves.  Because, obviously that’s gonna happen.  Yeah, you have your stupid, whiny moments, Bella, but don’t we all?  Stephenie sketched you brilliantly loosely so we can all identify with/ pretend to be you… and who doesn’t want to be eighteen and adored by the hottest boy on the planet?  As much as I love you (and, let’s face it, Edward) Ms. Meyer was right: if she wants to write more after Breaking Dawn she has to move on to a different narrator because we can’t identify with you as much, so it’s not the same reading experience.

The beginning of Breaking Dawn is the ultimate imagine-yourself-in-Bella’s-shoes read.  Getting to fill in the fade-to-sad blanks with all our favorite dream-honeymoon fantasies is a ridiculous amount of fun.  But then you get pregnant.  And it was a fun ride the first time I read it, before I’d had children.  But after two children in the last two years I can’t help but roll my chuckle at the melodrama of it all.  And I love the rest of your melodrama—souls, vampire law, trying to save your indestructible boyfriends and all—but the pregnancy stuff just makes me roll my eyes these days.

Being pregnant with a vampire baby is PURE BLISS!

Your kid sucking your life away from within?  Honey, virtually every woman who gestates a child feels like that for at least 8 weeks of the first trimester and 10 weeks of the last, and you did it for WAY less time than that.  And try doing that first trimester while still breastfeeding your first kid.  Not for wusses.  So maybe your kid broke your spine.  Psshh, whatever.   Try having feet shoved in your ribs and a head whacking your cervix for four months.  Especially fun when they get hiccups.  I’ll give you credit though—you whined way less than I did while pregnant.  Of course, you had Edward to do the whining for you.

Speaking of which, the day you figured out you were pregnant you suddenly see a baby bump.  I get the accelerated growth thing, but there’s no way that’s your first physical change.  By the time there’s a baby bump your boobs have been swollen for weeks.  And there’s no way Edward’s vampire vision would have missed that fact.  Of course, those unusually large bosooms would have hurt so much that even you—sex-starved martyr that you are—wouldn’t let him touch them.  This is ultimate irony of pregnancy as far as daddies are concerned.  Now there’s a reason for him to be whiney.

And you had a house full of super-powerful vampires and werewolves doting on you, valiantly trying to meet your every need.  I just had a needy toddler, a house full of moving boxes to unpack, and a husband who works 60 hour weeks.  Not feeling the sympathy, girl.

You missed out on so many of the joys of pregnancy, Bella.  I’m going to fill you in on a few of them, and I’m sure you’ll get some great additional information from our delightful commenters.

  • Will you come to my white trash baby shower?

    Of course eating fried chicken made you puke.  I couldn’t touch meat—let alone cook it—for months.  Except sausage and shrimp.  Because what pregnant women will and won’t eat is always logical.

  • Forget eating making you puke, try gagging every time you brush your teeth for four months.  Especially fun because when you puke you then need to brush your teeth again.
  • Creeped out by those crazy dreams you keep having?  At least you’re sleeping.  Between the back aches, the weight on your middle mandating you sleep on your side even though you’ve always slept on your back, and straight-up insomnia, sleep’s a precious commodity.  Even before that newborn keeps you up all night.  Oh, wait, you missed that newborn sleep deprivation part too.
  • Be thankful you were cooped up in that beautiful house being taken care of ridiculously well.  Going out in public just means awkward stares, unsolicited advice, and having to find something presentable to wear that fits this week.
  • Not holding down any food probably means you missed out on the fun of a itty-bitty smooshed bladder, constipation, diarrhea…  Too graphic?  As I’ve been saying, normal pregnancy ain’t pretty, dear.
  • That whole emergency C-section via vampire teeth thing wasn’t pretty, but you didn’t go through a single contraction, let alone days of labor or hours of pushing.  You get bonus points for delivering without an epidural, though.
  • You totally skip breastfeeding, and nobody laid a “if-you-really-loved-your-child-you-would” guilt trip on you.  No pumping, cracking, engorgement or living life in three hour chunks for you.
  • Need we start in on the fact that without the healing powers of vampire venom post-partum breasts are never the same, you’ve got a pooch where your abs used to be, varicose veins, stretch marks, there’s no sex allowed for six weeks more or less, none of your shoes fit…
  • And you had Alice to deal with all the clothes havoc.  From needing new bras within weeks of getting pregnant to having NOTHING that fits for six months post-partum, but not wanting to buy anything because it (hopefully) will be too big soon, having children is a wardrobe catastrophe.
  • And then when your baby is born she sleeps, so you can too!  Oh, wait, you couldn’t, could you?  But you got fabulous vampire sex instead of unending exhaustion, so it doesn’t count.

Just did a little preggers photoshoot for Eddie

Can I continue down the road for a second and tell you about the fun of toddlers who don’t have advanced comprehension of the universe or ability to communicate via mind-meld and therefore spend a couple hours out of every day throwing fits?  That’s probably a different letter, isn’t it?

I hope my letter hasn’t made you too sad about all those human experiences you missed, Bella.  I think you’ll probably deal with what I’ve told you just fine.  I wouldn’t show it to Edward if I were you, though.  It would make him unbearably angsty for days to think about all the amazing things you gave up to be with him.

All my best,
Bea

P.S.  Uptight readers, stop freaking out on me.  I love my children, mostly enjoy breastfeeding, and think childbirth is one of the most crazy-amazing things you will ever do.  I just hate being pregnant.

Hilarious look at the human experiences Bella LUCKILY missed out on in her life! Can you think of any more? (Oh, and Bea sent this letter late July. I asked for an update, but haven’t heard back yet. I sure hope she had the baby. Cuz her pregnancy sounds AWFUL. They’re not all like that, right? Like, if & when I have kids I can expect to never crave meat, gain weight, feel aches, fart in public, complain, cry, regret letting Mr. Choice plant his seed in me? RIGHT?)

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

Oh.. and I couldn’t leave you without posting this AWESOME find from last night:

85 Commented


Breaking Down the Breaking Dawn Trailer! Rageward, Breeds and Awkwardness!

Dear Breaking Dawn and Bill Condon and Stephenie and LTT-ers,

OMG!!! I just got so excited, apparently it took a well timed and well cut trailer to get me back in this game but I’m here baby and we’re ready to break this Breaking Dawn trailer down!

So put me in coach and LET’S DO THIS! (sorry,wrong movie)…

The One Where They Can NEVER Get It Right…
Moon
: myelloooo runaways and eclipse are on tv right no. fyi
UC: orgasm. kristen gasm
Moon: oh nakey jakey….. ok anyway! so lets do this
UC: okay LET’s and i’m druhnk like runk! so sorry in advnace
Moon: ok go… AH it goes so quick in the beginning!
UC: is it suposed to sound like crap ? and just be FLASHES of images?
Moon: fun note/trivia: there is ALWAYS a beach/water in the opening shot
UC: ALWAYS

We look awful!

Moon: ok freeze it at :11 we HAVE to talk about carlisle’s awful hair. i mean WTF is going on?
UC: it’s falling out” early on-set vampire baldness?
Moon: even the ice truck killer behind him wants to kill that wig
UC: it’s fake HAHAHAHAH forgot about him
Moon: its like HOW do they ef up the hair EVERY TIME???!!! EVERY.TIME.
UC: EVERY TIME. the wig people must be OLD
Moon: like im pretty sure jasper has had diff hair color and style EVERY time
UC: yeah- NOT consistent with the book
Moon: alice looks like a soccer mom with a van
UC: hahahahahahhaahahaahah and Emmett looks like a Ken doll. Rosalie looks… the best! & Esme looks the same
Moon: i mean its supposed to be short and spikey not “i just cut orange slices for the soccer game” short

Bella: "FML!"

UC: and then there are the playboy bunnies behind them. Where’s Hef?
Moon: aawwwwwww, the girls next door showed up for the big day! aka the bitch edward ran off to in midnight sun
UC: Are they the denalis?
UC: They’re hot
Moon: yea the girls next door are the denali’s
UC: no wonder Bella was jealous
Moon: for realzzzzzz. thats like miss january, feburary and march coming to your wedding

I feel ill....

The One Where Cedric Got The Flu
UC: Are the girls, Alice, Rosealie and Esme not IN the wedding?
UC: I don’t know how I feel about this.. did that not happen in the book?
Moon: i guess not… i read it once, remember?
UC: haha okay

Moon: ok so we can see sleeves on the dress
UC: Besides looking like she stayed up for an all-nighter learning her “better for worse” lines.. Kristen looks GORGEOUS. Rob… ugh….
Moon: right kristen looks great. rob looks like cedric. the hair is SO awful
UC: Cedric with the flu. SO awful
Moon: like i said on twitter a few days ago HOW in the world do you make rob look bad??!! its like a summitt super power or something
UC: Yeah they are the ONLY ones. them at that photographer who shot Rob as a

I've still got that Snapple Cap

pre-teen in his boxers. they are the only ones
Moon: if they wanted him to look gross they could have just let him wear what he wore to set that day, or whatever he’s currently wearing in london RIGHT NOW
UC:
exactly
Moon:“as long as we both shall live” HALF SMILE. the edwad half smile!!! finally some stuff from the books
UC: FINALL Y. they remember we liked those first

Follow the jump because things get awkward, weird, inappropriate and everything else you’d expect from us
Continue…

184 Commented


Remember that guy Taylor??

This guy?!! Yea?! YEA!

Dear Taylor-

It’s weird how out of all the cast you don’t get that much love here post wise and you’re probably the nicest and most normal (I would assume). AND I really DO like you!! Why is that? Are you staying out of the spotlight? Is Big Daddy calling you every night at 1oPM making sure you’re tucked in watching Sports Center instead of our carousing with the locals? Besides a few sushi lunches you really haven’t been seen out and aboot much in Vancouver. So when I see you I’m like “oh wait, that Taylor guy IS in this movie…” and boy, do you ever remind us you are with this clip:


It’s funny that you cringe when talking about imagining Edward and Bella down in Brasil gettin’ it on like Marvin Gaye sings, cause really it’s pretty much imagining the magicness happening between Robsten on the bear skin rug daily and who DOESN’T like to ponder that for like 23 of the 24 hours a day we have???
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So here’s the crazy thing, Taylor, you’re in other movies besides Twilight! Insane, I know.
So here’s the thing… are you playing Hanna meets Jason Bourne meets the narc in your local high school? This whole thing raised some red flags for me…

  • 1. What high school girl is cruising missing children’s websites when she should be looking up the address to her local esthetician to get her Robert Pattinson meets Camilla Belle eyebrows in check? And if your high school girlfriends idea of a good time is looking at missing children’s websites you might have a bigger problem on your hands. Like SHE’S the narc… or she’s really into those CSI Criminals in SUV shows and THAT is scarytown.
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  • 

  • 2. If your mom is Maria Bello and you are Taylor Lautner, you definitely did not come from her womb.
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  • 3. If Maria Bello is such a grade-a ass kicker why didn’t her and her friends take a taekwondo class in The Jane Austen Book Club instead of reading books and yammering on about Northhanger Abbey (I love you J.A.)?
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  • 4. Is it in your contract that every movie you’re in feature a motorcycle riding scene? Preferably wearing a tight, dark v-neck shirt while it rains. Good agent.
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  • 5. If Sigourney Weaver tells you she knows your “real” father you better hope to God it’s not an alien.
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  • 6. Taylor, in my neck of the woods we call that thing over your lip a dirty sanchez moustache. Shave it NOW.
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  • 7. If you’re a fan of the Pirates enough to wear a jersey, it’s a bad omen. This will not end well.
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  • 8. Did you insist on using the Jacob-tree climbing/jumping stunt just so that we would all subconsciously think of you with your shirt off jumping into Bella’s window? Cause it worked.
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  • 9. Lines like “You wanna play with no rules? You better be careful what you let out the box” just confuse me. First, it doesn’t make and sense, second it makes me think of any of Vin Diesil’s lines in any movie he’s ever been in and third it makes me want to embroider it on a pillow.
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  • 10. Giving Big Daddy a producer credit in the end credits just earned you like at least 10 McDonalds bucks in your stocking next Christmas. And a HUUUGE hug from me cause that means Big Daddy will be all up in the Abduction premiere!! WHOOHOO!!
    .

So clearly, I’m going to be seeing this movie… at some point. There are so many questions that need to be answered and so many scenes with you possibly shirtless to be seen that I couldn’t deny you me this or the 15 bucks. Just consider it an investment in Big Daddy’s retirement fund.

“I live my life a quarter mile at a time…”
Themoonisdown

Ok, so that line isn’t in Abduction (I think) but who would argue that there will probably be lines very similar… Will you see Taylor’s new movie? Did you think he was doing the Jacob-jumps-in-Bella’s-window move, too?

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

61 Commented


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