Red Riding Hood or Twilight or just plain awesomely awful? I can’t decide

(Total spoilers ahead if you really wanted to see Red Riding Hood unspoiled)

Director of Twilight you say???

Dear Catherine Hardwicke,

Sooooo I saw your latest movie Red Riding Hood on Saturday and let me just say WOW. And then I’m going to follow that with WHAT WERE YOU THINKING???!!!!!?!?! My friend and I decided to hit up a matinee of Red Riding Hood based on an interesting trailer and our love for cute boys in fantasy type films. We smuggled in some Haribo and Diet Cokes and it was ON. The opening credits rolled and we both turned to each other and said “what movie are we watching?” Cause the opening sequence could have been lost footage from the first Twilight film, all that was missing was that Black Ghosts song and Charlie picking Bella up in the squad car. BUUTTT what do you know ol Charlie I mean… whatever Billy Burke’s character’s name is was THE DAD! Anyway, so you love a good overhead helicopter shot of snowy woods on mountain tops, I can understand that and really the Twilight rip off aren’t the issue. When we’re only 5 minutes into a film and the audience is openly laughing out loud at what’s supposed to be a dramatic movie, you know something has gone horribly wrong. The last time I saw a movie where people laughed out loud like this was Crossroads with Britney Spears in the early 2000’s. Yikes! And yet again we turned to each other but this time it was my pal saying “this is really awful, isn’t it?” Um, yea pal it is AWESOMELY AWFUL! We’re talking Syfy Channel level of awesomely awful! It was like we were watching The Village meets Ring of Nibelungs meets Twilight.
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Say it! Out Loud! SAY IT: Fairey Tale!

The Twilight similarities could go on for days beyond the opening title sequence and Billy Burke being the Dad to the insane amount of close ups of the eyes to the werewolf looking like a first draft of the New Moon wolves to the MEADOW scene with Amanda Seyfried and Edward #2 (he was second in line for Edward after Rob!) to the love triangle to the “say it out loud” part to werewolves to the “specially abled kid.” Ok, so there wasn’t a specially abled kid in Twilight, unless you consider BooBoo/Seth special.
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Now why don't you try acting more like ME this time...

I won’t even go into the REALLY awkwardly sexual town dance sequence (that I’ve since reenacted twice for friends) but that’s about the moment I had an epiphany. Red Riding Hood is really the film adaptation of your cougar lady Ren. Faire Harlequin romance novel fan fic you wrote on vacation last year. Cause who really has names like Valerie and Cesaire and Henry and Suzette and Claude if they’re not in a Fanfic or Soap Opera? After I realized THAT it all made sense… the main character was a blond who gets it on with a guy who was almost Edward who has a dad who wakes up in a pile of his own vomit and has a slutty mom. It was YOUR version of Twilight with YOU as the main character… only sadly you are less Aman anda Seyfried and more a younger version of the Grandma. (sad trombone)
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Don't worry Cathi... I mean grandma it's only FREEZING COLD SNOWING outside

Now my only other question remains: is there a lurid audition tape of Shiloh Fernandez and Amanda Seyfriend (Amandiloh? Shiman?) you’re going to hold over theirs heads, refer to and pull out anytime you do press for movies other than Red Riding Hood in the future?

Yup, I thought so.

Still LOL-ing,
Themoonisdown
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Follow the cut for more questions and observations from Red Riding Hood. I really just couldn’t fit all the awesome into one post
Continue…

93 Commented


It’s the small things – scenes in Twilight

(our lil UC is sicko so bear with me while I double post in her absence)

Dear Twilight movie franchise (yes, all of you),

The other night at the Iron & Wine concert I had a moment. I won’t even say I was a fan long before the song was in Twi but WHATEVER, I HAD A MOMENT. Sam Beam sang “Flightless Bird” mostly a capella as his encore and I’d be lying if I wasn’t mentally whisked away to that gazebo at the prom with Bella and Edward dancing under the twinkling lights. Of all the song and scene pairing I think that is by far the one I link together the most and really just one of my favorite scenes. And (of course) that got me to thinking what about my other favorite scenes. What will I smile and think about long after all the movies have been released and we’ve been put out to the blogging pasture?

I kinda think it’s gonna be more about the little moments to me… Bella’s feet on Edward’s feet in the prom scene or maybe…


After being confronted by a curious Bella about his eye color and wondering whether he got contacts, Edward awkardly mumbles and turns around to leave down the hallway. Way to totally draw attention to it dude! But then we wouldn’t have the arms holding the jacket or the BACK in that tshirt. Yes, this is a great moment.


Not in the book but definitely one of my faves little moments in Eclipse features Edward bro-ing up with Jacob after the kiss and Papa Swan having to step in.

From UC’s sick bed she tells me that this is one of her faves…

Jacob and Bella’s “it’s not a lifestyle choice” walk on First Beach at La Push. Jacob (Taylor) looks about 20 years older thus making us not feel so bad for crushing him as much as we do.

There are about a billion little moments in the Twilight movies that make me smile, make me laugh and make me sigh. Can’t it just be November already and the wait will be over so we can begin finding our new favorite little moments in Breaking Dawn? Ugh, the unfairness of it all.

Ohhh and before we go I have one more favorite little moment…… follow the cut

Continue…

230 Commented


News Dump: The one with a lotta Sundance and a lotta Renesmee

Double feature now showing!

Dear LTT-ers,

It’s time to catch up on the news that only needs a sentences worth of discussion. Yes, it’s time for another News Dump! So put on your Bella jacket and mittens cause there’s a whole lotta Sundance!

  • In between holding still for the screenings, Elizabeth talked about Kristen and Mackenzie. Don’t bother watching, it’s everything you expect: “Kristen scared me!” and “She looks like their child!” Boom, saved you 4 minutes!
  • Apparently it must be a Holy Trinity week of filming cause Charlie Bewley is ALSO at Sundance and he dropped this awesome gem when asked about Renesmee:

“I imagine if Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart had a kid it’d be like this grungy…awkward and shy kind of thing,” jokes Charlie Bewley, who plays Demetri in the vampire movie franchise.

Dare to NAIR ladies

  • I’m sure it’s a BIG DEAL that artist Richard Phillips included Rob, Kristen and Dakota on his “Most Wanted” list and created pop images of them but I’m not so sure the girls appreciate the weird shadows on their upper lips that look oddly like mustaches.
  • WHO wasn’t at Sundance? Chaske Spencer ALSO dropped by the gifting suites to debut his new hair and announce he joined Fall Out Boy and will be quitting BD and touring this spring with the band. Then he bequeathed the role of Sam back to Solomon Trimble who clocked out at Home Depot and jumped on Cathi Hardi’s private jet for Sundance. Free shiz it free shiz however you get it.
  • Bella’s house was pulled out of storage (a Vancouver Twimom’s garage) and reconstructed over the last few days. It looks more like a Sears Siding commercial or the AFTER tornado view of Dorothy’s house in Kansas than the home of the Swans.

Things that are important to note from this video:
1. Jackson’s Jasper hair is back. The REAL Jasper hair. Like Twilight Jasper hair. We may need to get a muffin basket together for the BD hair folks
2. The 100 Monkey have a REAL, ACTUAL Tour bus???
3. In 5 years Jackson may be on Dancing with the Stars… or Dancing with the hands-y fans.
4. Who does Jackson give HJ’s to regularly at MTV that the 100 Monkeys keep showing up on this MTV videos?
5. Jackson seems to have dropped the totally over the top accent plus side mouth talking thing a bit. He must read LTT. *Hi Jacky!*
6. That one dude totally wishes he was Jackson. Sorry dude jumping around in the back who’s name I don’t know. Enjoy it while it lasts!
7. Does Jackson have one suitcase fully devoted to his WEIRD hat collection?

  • If you weren’t scared about bringing Breaking Dawn to the big screen you will be after you see this fan art I dug up over at Twifans. WOAH. Someone hold me.
  • BREAKING NEWS: Still no new set pictures or actual evidence that they’re doing anything in Baton Rouge. SHOCKING.

Off to the gifting suites… I mean Sundance!
Themoonisdown

Srsly how are 100 Monkeys still being featured on MTVonline on the regular? I don’t get it.I was mean about Liz’s fivehead but for reals, side sweep, am I right? What say you?

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

214 Commented


Twilosophy of Sad Endings

Dear Twilight and your readers,

On the heels of a the season finale of Dexter last night I got to thinking about sad endings and how no one’s immune to them even vampires and werewolves and their human friends. We all know how the Twilight saga ends and whether Bella ends up with who you want or how it all happens it’s not without it’s sad moments much like Dexter. He loses her

Jacob and Bella – *sigh* I know most of you ladies are Team Edward but can we please have a moment for what could have been for Bella and Jacob. If it wasn’t for that blasted Mercedes in the rear view mirror and maybe a few more months they could have ended up together in a relationship that started as friends and grew to much more. I think I *sigh* for Jacob because we’ve all been the second choice at some point and that’s painful. We know the outcome is for the best but it doesn’t make it any less of a sad ending.

Edward leaves Bella – duh.

They're NOT bears... or happy endings

Harry Clearwater dies – While Bella’s off being an emo teenager and cliff jumping for attention poor Harry Clearwater is having a fat heart attack which leaves Sue without a husband (cue Charlie), Charlie without a BFF and Leah and Seth without a Dad not to mention the tribe without one of it’s leaders. But really no kid should lose their parent especially when they’re going through crazy stuff like turning into a werewolf because of their anger control issues and not to mention a little something called the werewolf gene. We love ya Clearwater family!

The Leah, Sam and Emily love triangle – What a mess this one is. Thanks a lot to the magic of imprinting Leah loses her boyfriend to HER COUSIN (oh no she’s DIDN’T!) and Emily gets her face all mangled because Sam didn’t know WTF was happening to him. THEN Leah is forced to run patrols around the Cullen house in a cruel twist of fate Leah becomes a werewolf herself and has to hear ALL of Sam’s dirty boy thoughts about Emily AND THEN because Jacob refuses to leave Bella and eventually Renesmee she has to run what seems like 50 chapters worth of patrols around the Cullen house meaning she has to eat rare meat. OH THE HUMANITY!

Obviously these girls lost a bet

Mike Newton – No one’s Team Mike Newton, even though he could get your 15% off on those rad hiking boots at Newton Outfitters. Let’s all have a moment for Mike. We’ve definitely all been the Jacob where it just didn’t work out but what about never even leaving the bench.

And of course, poor Buttcrack Santa. The guy seemed like a recovering alcoholic who loved bringing joy to Children in the Forks area during Christmas and how is he repaid? By getting offed in the the dingy boat marina by some bored nomadic vampires with meth face (James).

Charlie and Renee – We’ll never know what really happened with Charlie and Renee since this isn’t their story but we do know it’s tragic that Charlie would lose his daughter to a flaky Mom who got bored of living in Forks. Sure, it’s not the glamourous metropolis that Phoenix, Arizona is but you’re married to the copstache, the built in Halloween costume possibilities are reason enough to stay. Let alone your DAUGHTER.

Oh sad moments… you make me sadder. But that’s part of the charm of Twilight and why we love it, right? Who can’t identify with sad moments? As for that Dexter finale???? EPIC SAD FACE.

:(
Themoonisdown

What other sad moments did I miss? Did you watch the Dexter finale? Will you hold me?

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

174 Commented


The Four weeks of Twimas: Gifts that won’t embarrass you or anyone you love

Dear LTTers,

Each week leading up to Christmas, Hanukkah, the winter solstice & that K-holiday I won’t even attempt to spell, we’ve been sharing some Twi/LTT/Rob-related gifts that are sure to please your friends, family & that Unicorn at work you Twi-gossip with over lunch. Today we’re featuring one of our favorite LTT friends, Adrienne Trafford.

We first “met” Adrienne when we came across her print entitled “Deepest Loss.” We’ve used it on tons of tear-jerker LTT letters because it was inspired by Bella, left in the woods after Edward leaves (except Adrienne’s Bella is dressed way better than the real Bella!)

This holiday season, Adrienne is offering the Deepest Loss print for $10 in her Etsy Shop. What’s better than supporting an artist, giving a hand-made, not-mass produced gift (or keeping one for yourself) all while secretly supporting Twilight. That’s right, with Adrienne’s art hanging on your wall, everyone will admire the beautiful work without knowing at all that it’s an homage to Twilight!

Check out another favorite Twi-inspired piece that we love: Bella Pale White

Happy shopping!

Love,
UC & Moon

PS: And through the end of the day, the Bite Me Edward notepads are still 50% off when you use the code BITEME50

Oh, and yes- you’ll notice we have a NEW COMMENT SYSTEM! We’re trying it out on LTT first but I think you’ll love it. Comments won’t get squished, you can track what you said- and there are some cool features we can add as we go along. If you’re an often commenter, I suggest signing up with Disqus & use the same email you use for commenting NOW- that way you can choose the same picture- you’ll see an option to link from your gravatar account. Happy commenting & let us know if it’s not working right for you!

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

81 Commented


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