How dare you old ass hags disrespect Taylor’s father like that by putting him on some damn poster. Are you bitches mad because he makes more money then you yeah that’s what it is. Or the fact that your husbands are lazy ass men that don’t do shit for a living.
Dear director of the Daniel Lautner Fan Club,
You’re right. It was so disrepsectful to feature Rob on a poster along with Big Daddy. Daniel deserves his very own features. Like this one we did a few years back of Daniel outside of his favorite restaurant:
or that time we artistically represented what Big Daddy dreams about during sporting events:
Or that one where we shared how Taylor & his dad demanded a tricked out trailer:
Or that time we superimposed a fish filet sammy over Taylor’s head:
We were wrong to include the infamous Daniel Lautner with that terrible Robert Pattinson. We hope you’re able to forgive us & are convinced of how much we really do love our favorite Twi cast member’s dad (well, tied to Dick Pattinson, followed closely by Mr. Stoner Stewart)
A couple of broke old hags with lazy ass men for husbands
It’s been awhile since we’ve gotten a hater good enough to share. This one really gave me cheer on Friday afternoon! Hope your holiday weekend (in the US!) was grand! XOXO -UC
Writing down our LTT history part 1 the other day got me thinking about what I deemed the “LTT mantra” and the “LTT lifestyle” That’s Normal. And I started thinking…. but is it really? I mean, is any of this normal? I like to think that Moon & I have an excuse for blogging about vampires (almost!) every day- we have an audience now & the pressure (much loved!) to entertain. But…. is that really the only reason we do this day after day? I love you all, I really do, but I’m not sure that’s enough. I might have to admit that we still do this day in & day out because we love Twilight just as much as we did on December 8, 2008. Sure, the love has changed slightly, but it’s still there. And is that, well, normal?
Do you remember when my friend UrbanGirl went into a storage closet at work to read Breaking Dawn? And how about when I went with my friends Italian Girl, Tex, PregPants & UrbanGirl to see Twilight? They were FANATICS- but I’m pretty sure UrbanGirl saw only half of Eclipse on a plane ride and the others haven’t even watched it once. What happened? Are they the normal fans? Loved & obsessed over the books & first movie(s), but then the love faded? Or am I normal? Still going strong- 2 or 3+ years later?
I’m not sure. I know Moon still texts or calls me whenever something great/good/awesome/funny/NOT NORMAL happens in the fandom. We’re definitely the same level of normal or not normal-ness- whatever that is. And just the other week a bunch of the original LTTers ended up talking about Twi in an email chain- so even they still think about it occasionally. But Mr. Choice
seems to think that my continuing love for Twi is not normal. Then again, can he really judge? He never thought it was normal.
About 3 things I am absolutely positive. First, that joke never gets old. Second, there is a part of me, and I don’t know how dominant that part might be, that doesn’t care if anyone thinks I’m “Not Normal.” And third, I am unconditionally and irrevocably grateful for the “That’s Normal” Mantra & lifestyle.
But just in case you’re now questioning your normalness like I am, here’s quick check list to test where you’re at:
-It’s still totally normal to swoon whenever a new pic of Rob Pattinson surfaces
-It’s no longer normal to show up to a 100 monkeys concert just because you know you’ll be in the presence of tons of Twilight fans who “get you.” You should only risk your life at one of those if you’re an actual fan. (And let’s be honest, no one is one of those.)
-Liking Kristen is totally normal. It’s also quite normal to like Rob. And if it’s your cup of tea, you can EVEN like them gasp together! But spending your free time hating on those with different opinions? NOT NORMAL
-Having a day go by where you actually forget about Twilight: Normal
(This also applies when you forget you have a blog about Twilight)
-Looking at a new popsugar or Just Jared post & immediately emailing us that “THE MEDIA WROTE ABOUT BIG DADDY LAUTNER” before realizing that the post & corresponding pictures actually have Taylor Lautner in them: Quite Normal.
-Thinking that Ashley Greene has a chance at a legitimate career in non-fluff movies: Not normal
-Having a Twitter Profile that looks something like this is quite normal:
This is Moon’s profile (it’s also true)
-Publicly declaring THIS (and obviously never being told that tweets are PUBLIC and INDEXED by search engines & seen by OTHERS outside of your circle where saying stuff like that is considered normal)
-Driving by an Olive Garden without immediately thinking of UC & Moon: Not Normal
-Thinking that Kellan actually likes it when you hump him at a Twicon after you pay your $156 bill to get 1 picture and the chance to grab his pecs: Not normal
-Laughing hysterically when you’re in the mall & hear the Taylor Swift song “Back to December” after the line “How’s your family” because you insert a quick “What I’m really saying is I miss your dad” as you sing along: Normal.
-Starting to line up for the Water for Elephants premiere next week: Not normal.
-Remembering a Twilight quote (like the one I used above) enough that you want to use it in a blog post (Normal) but not knowing it EXACTLY so you have to grab the book and/or google: also normal
So am I alone in wondering if I (minus you all and Moon!) am the only “normal” one left? And if I am alone, does that make me NOT normal? What else is normal or not normal these days!?
A few weeks ago we received this email in our LTT inbox:
Love the site but am relatively new to it, so I’ve got to ask; What’s the deal with the Olive Garden? I tried searching the site but… FAIL. I give, what’s it about?
Ah- I LOVE newbies! Because it reminds me #1 that not everyone has been around for 2 years so it’s good to stop and explain and #2 reminds me of why we started jokes in the first place. Because when I thought about it, I couldn’t even remember why the Olive Garden joke got started. Was it that we assumed that the Lautner family would frequent the walls of Tuscan deliciousness before family game night every Friday when Taylor was in town? It’s not a hard guess- I mean, who doesn’t love their unlimited breadsticks & choice of salad or minestrone soup? Or did we run with that joke after Taylor admitted to falling prey to the suburban chain of deliciousness? Perhaps we’ll never know. Most likely we ran with it after Taylor mentioned loving the chain in like 2-3 interviews, but I like to think that a love for overly-buttered, 2000-calorie pasta meals is just something we share with the entire Lautner family.
Then just a few days ago, we got another request for clarification:
I was just reading your FAQ, and I wanted to ask you something: why do you refer to Big Daddy Lautner’s obsession as with the Fish-o-Filet? As someone who’s mom works at McD’s, I know it’s Filet-o-Fish. Is this some inside joke that I don’t get?
Tammy (not TammyO)
Well, Tammy who isn’t TammyO (more on her later!), I have no idea. I don’t know what I call it. Somedays I think I write that Big Daddy likes a Big Mac. Is that not the same thing? I have no idea. I avoid McDonald‘s at all costs except on road trips. Cuz sometimes at 6 am you just really need a egg & biscuit sammy so that 30 minutes down the interstate you have to pull over in a panic, grab a roll of toilet paper & find some bushes to go do your business. It’s just clear to everyone who knows him who gazes at pictures of Taylor in hopes to see glimpses of him that Big Daddy loves him some McDs. Apologize to your mom & Ronald McDonald for my mistake. And for using the egg & biscuit sammy as a colon cleanser.
Speaking of TammyO– we might as well fill in you newbies (and remember those infamous days together) on who SHE was. Or is. She very well could be trying to comment on this post. We’ll never know because she was the only commenter ever blacklisted. Yes- that’s right- it’s impossible for TammyO to ever make contact with LTT again. It’s kinda sad. I mean, what if after all this time she is a believer in Swiftner & wants to join the campaign on reaching out to Taylor Lautner to let him know that Tay Swift is DTF? I forget the details, but TammyO came out as one of the biggest Robstener-Krisbians of all time. Like if Robsten had a mother, it would be TammyO. And we’re all for people who bring varied conversation & differing opinions, but TammyO went one step further & started attacking our beloved commenters. We’ll allow (and dish out) celeb attacks. We’ll take personal attacks, but we won’t let you attack each other (well, we try not to!) Unless you’re JanetRigs, of course.
Well, look at that! A transition into Janetrigs & all the HATE we have for her here at LTT. That’s just perfect. Jane is an LTT original who lives in DC & does not shy away from controversy. She is prone to late night drunken tweets to the LOD (more on them later), @Twilight and D list celebrities like Brody Jenner. She often takes a theme or title from an LTT post and creates a whole other persona based on it. She copied entire LTR letters and posted them on her “Letters 2 Alex” blog about Alex Skarsgard under the pen-name “VeryMuchIntendedChoice.” And just the other week when Moon talked about Wyck Godfrey (Twilight producer), Jane started the twitter account Letters2Wyck. The thing is….. we don’t actually hate Janetrigs. In fact, we love her and consider her a dear friend. One time I went to DC for work & she picked me up in her old car & took me to get drunker than I already was from my work dinner. And I talked about gentrification- something she will remind me of for the rest of my life. It’s okay though. I found out about her immense fear for Historical re-enactors and promised to make Benjamin Franklin pop up in odd places for the rest of her life. This will be the last time you hear me mention how we actually like Janetrigs. That’s too weird. We hate her. (Oh, why do we hate her? I can’t remember- perhaps Letters2Wyck will explain it in the comments today. She started hating us, therefore we starting hating her, and the rest is history)
That’s Normal: I remember the first time Moon said it like it was yesterday. I don’t remember the story exactly, but I do know that I was sitting on her bed, explaining a story a reader had sent to us about when she met Rob. It had something to do with Rob’s reaction to our reader that was not normal. But Moon heard the story, misunderstood me, got mad or jealous of this reader and said sarcastically, “What? That’s Normal” And once she finally understood what I was saying, we died of laughter- because it wasn’t normal. And the rest is history. “That’s Normal” became the mantra of all LTTers. When something isn’t normal but is done enough by us to become normal, well, then That’s Normal. It’s a lifestyle- do you live it?
Magic by the fireplace– Ah- one of my favorite things to talk about. It’s so warm & fuzzy & cuddly- especially if you’re sitting on a bear skin rug. But honestly, I can’t remember where it came from. I know that “magicness” was a term used to describe Robsten by someone who desperately needs a boyfriend. And we just thought it was such a beautiful & perfect description of a relationship that absolutely no one but the couple has any insight into, that we decided to run with it. We added the fireplace where they make love, the bearskin rug upon which the love is made, and the rest is history. I hope & pray that things will continue to be added. For example, let’s come up with something right now- I bet after all the sweet, sweaty love making in front of the burning embers, Robsten is quite thirsty. I’m sure they keep a few bottles of Don Pérignon on hand for such an occasion, don’t you? Or maybe to get in the holiday spirit they actually just warm a kettle of spiked cider over the fire. Burning sparks, bear skin, sex, champy & cider- you see the magicness too now, don’t you?!
Someone who shouldn’t be participating in any sort of magic by the fireplace until there’s a wedding band on his finger is KellanLutz. Early on in our LTT career (like the day before we started) we noticed through interviews & videos that Kellan, despite his good looks, chiseled body & hairless frame, seemed less like the frat boy one would assume & more like that hot guy in youth group who was nice to even the slow girls. This was further proven when he mentioned his favorite book was “The Purpose Driven Life”- #1 Best selling book by Christian powerhouse author Rick Warren. We just knew we were right about Kellan’s past- he was a good ol’ Christian boy, lost in the big, wide world of “sinful” Los Angeles. Since we first hypothesized of Kellan’s past & the #1 item on his prayer list (Stay pure today (aka Stay away from Anna-Lynn McCord)), Kellan has delighted us by talking about missions trips, signing on to speak at Christian conferences (that were sadly canceled. Probably after co-speaker Ashley Greene’s naked photo-shoot came out) and giving us just enough information to google-stalk his family & find out which church his parents attend (oh, did we never mention that part?)
Well, newbies- THAT should get you started! There’s plenty more that we talk about here on LTT that would make no sense to someone new, but we’ll play this game again. Oh, and our FAQs are always a nice place to find out our history too!
Have any LTT questions? What’s a joke that was started & you’ve been too embarrassed to admit you don’t get? It’s LTT History day today in the comments!
While I’m still stuffed from the tofurky from yesterday (I don’t eat meat- bleh!) and busy shop shop SHOPPING on the biggest shopping day of the year, I wanted to write you quick letter to thank YOU for changing my life in so many ways.
Since holiday season has kicked off, I’m now seeing THIS guy everywhere:
A little early, Santa
No- not Waylon Forge (RIP), singer of the best cat song known to man, but Santa Claus himself. You see, I have gotten my picture taken with Santa every year since I was born (1983). I was 6 months old the first time I sat on Santa’s lap. So yes, this year is my 28th year of seeing Santa. (I never plan to stop. No, that’s not weird) and for the past two Santa-seeing years, I have thought of Buttcrack Santa. No longer am I thinking of the jolly man in a big read suit (although these past few years he’s been pretty creepy & acts a little too excited to having me and my 3 sisters sit on his lap) but I think of a drunken logger in The Olympic Peninsula whose legacy involves a “kiss me I’m Irish” shirt & little bottles. Thank you for ruining Santa for me.
Thank you for turning the mundane into amazing. When I used to pass the Olive Garden, I would think of all the birthday dinners I had there with my family when I was in college. Me being gone for 8 months out of the year somehow confused them into thinking I only like to eat at the Olive Garden. Oh- what am I saying? I dream of their endless breadsticks & salad. Just as, we have completely overblown discovered the Lautner family does. I am so thankful that I now get a chuckle whenever I pass a suburban shopping center with a little peace of Tuscany placed out front.
I’m so thankful for inside jokes & funny blog themes that have been created at your expense. Because then Snowwhitedrifted designs stuff for our LTT/LTR shop and photo-shops it onto Twilight cast members, and it looks so real I can hardly stand it. And sometimes I forget it’s the background on my lap top & when I work remotely or take my lap top to a coffee shop, I have to quickly hide the screen so no one knows. But despite the 2nd-hand embarrassment I feel for myself from time-to-time (okay always) I feel grateful. Because of the laughter it brings.
And on a soppy note (soppy? Soapy? what? Am I in a mashed-potato coma?), I am thankful that you exist, Twilight. Because if you didn’t, I wouldn’t have fallen for you. And if I had not fallen for you, I would not have become as close as I have with my friend Moon. And if Moon & I had not grown so close, we would have never started LTT- land of laughs. And if we hadn’t started LTT we wouldn’t have met- whether in person or just online- the hoards and hoards of wonderful girls, women, boys, unicorns & 12 year olds who think we’re Taylor Lautner. And if we hadn’t met all of the hoards of people (do you keep feeling like I’m going to call them “whores?” cuz I do) we would laugh much less, our lives would be much less fulfilled, and we wouldn’t know the interesting, talented, funny, hilarious, creative, encouraging, beautiful, hilarious and delightful people we have gotten to know. And that would be a shame. Because I cannot imagine my life without any of them in it- any of YOU in it! Whether I talk to you daily, every so often, we used to talk long ago or never have, I am so thankful- for each and every one of you. You don’t know the difference just your being a part of this crazy LTT-world has made in my life!
What are you thankful for in the Twilight world this season!?
HAHAHAHA- on my final read-through I realized I said “soppy” but meant “Sappy.” Well, actually I meant Soppy- like sopping wet.. except.. I don’t think that’s a word. I meant it with so much sincerity though that I’m not even going to correct it
Oh- Groupon (yes, we’re talking about them again. as you can tell I LOVE them!) has a Secret Shopper Page that you can only access by clicking this special LTT link. I don’t know what the special deals are but I think they’re only available through Monday (or are different every day until Monday!) It’s a secret. Shhhh Groupon Secret Shopper
We just want you to pretend like we don’t know you once admitted to reading LTT and we’ll all act normal. We’ll just continue making you laugh, making fun of something you poured your heart into (that we love almost as much as you do) and we won’t try to influence you at all to get the Breaking Dawn we want. (PUT RAY-BANS ON ROB) It’s more important for you to stay focused on Isle Esme right now so that we all get the most perfect Honeymoon possible (MAKE THE SEX SCENE LIKE THE NOTEBOOK). And then once you’re back in Louisiana on set, focusing on how not to creep the audience out with a half-vampire baby chewing its way out of Kristen’s tummy (PUT EDWARD BACK IN THE CAFETERIA) There are no subliminal messages here. There’s nothing were trying to say in between the lines. We’re offering nothing more than encouragement from the LTT family. (MAKE THE WOLFPACK CALL THEM ‘JORTS’)
But just in case you are bored on set or looking for something to do with your assistant with the cool sweater, Meghan, we’ve come up with a list of activities to pass the time- or maybe we can call them dares. You MADE these actors’ careers- the least you can do is have a little fun with them!
We dare you one day to wear a knot in your tee-shirt for a full day of shooting. Never even look twice when Kristen glares at you for stealing her style. Around lunchtime, on the day he’s visiting the set, ask Big Daddy if the local Olive Garden offers take out & if he knows their number by heart.
We dare you to call Rob, Ron at least 3 times one day. And don’t even be afraid to use the LTT water bottle we gave you back in June. How about next week you work “Tweed serious” into a conversation with Bill Condon. And sigh & shake your head every time you see the girl playing Renesemee, while muttering “Not a newborn child. How hard is it to get a newborn around here?”
We dare you to bring out the Mormon Bible & try to convert Kellan. Or ask him to be accountability partners. Try to see if he wants to start a Wednesday AM Bible Study by the breakfast trailer. I’m sure there’s another gaffer on set who reads the Good Word. Or if you’re really feeling daring, tell Jackson you really dig the 100 Monkeys. Ask about their upcoming album. And try to keep a straight face. Or ask Jackson if he’s heard that catering is serving catfish on Thursday night for dinner.
We dare you to say to Ashley Greene, “You’re dating Joe Jonas, right? But he has a purity ring…*blank stare.* And one day when you’re around Taylor Lautner, we dare you to put on headphones and sing outlaid to “Back to December” by Taylor Swift off key & really loudly.
And on the day the wolfpack is due to shoot their first scene, show up wearing jorts & name one of the pups “The Situation.” Give no explanation. Just start calling him “Sitch” and ask him if he’s found out if any of the new girl hires are DTF.
And while you’re shooting Isle Esme, how about for one day, we dare you to refer to Rob & Kristen as one person: Robsten. For example: “What time is Robsten due to set?” or “Robsten- they’re ready for you!” or “Robsten, I really feel like you need a little more passion in this scene” and “Robsten, you should shake the bed more.”
And while you’re way too busy to be reading LTT patiently waiting for the next LTT to be posted, try not to laugh when you see the wolfpack run around in their shorts, think of a fish with whiskers when you see Jackson on set, get at least one Taylor Swift song stuck in your head every time you’re around Taylor Lautner or crave endless breadsticks when Taylor’s family is around. We dare you.
UnintendedChoice (and Brookelockart who helped out tremendously with the dares!)
6 months filming is a LONG time! What other stuff should we dare Stephenie Meyer to do while on set!?