Breaking Down Renesmee, porcelain dolls and our twifan card

Dear Breaking Dawn film makers,

There’s been tons of rumors about the new movie with most of them about who will be cast as Reneesme Carlie Cullen. Oh yea full name, who’s the twifan now?! But anyway it’s a big thing to cast, I mean this is the spawn of Edward and Bella, the fruit of their… ahem… love, the final WTF moment of the saga so it better be good. There’s a lot riding on this, so when news of one of the rumored girls testing for Renesmee started heating up UC and I knew it was time to break it down…

The one where we think Renesmee is pint sized

The spawn of Edward & Bella???

Moon: ok some renessssmeeeee….. so tons of gossip out there about who will be cast as renesme some actors daughter and now a 9 yr old with huge eyes. so what do you think? initial thoughts
UC: initial thoughts is maybe I’m the ONLy one who ended BDawn thinking renesmee looked no more than 3- MAYBE 4 max
Moon: yea i thought she was small like toddler/4-5 age but talked like an adult or acted older
UC: and i’m interested to see how Kristen acts the part in the script that says “Bella’s eyes grow wide as she realizes the child that burst from her abdomen 3 months earlier is now ready for the 3rd grade & loves to eat spaghettios” think she can pull it off? Is there a stutter for that (da dum ching)

Yea, I pretty much imagined Renesmee as the Samantha the American Girl Doll (hat and all)

Moon: i even had this weird image of her in like victorian type clothes like a porcelain doll, with a little hat and curls on the back of Bella and Jacob
UC: ME too.. and curly hair
Moon: like the idea doesnt really even compute. but theyre saying they’re going to use some benjamin buttons shit to use the face of the girl on a toddlers body
UC: right.. WHY? why not just use a toddler? they act on those Oscar Meyer Weiner commercials
Moon: well it’s hard for a toddler to act older i think thats the reasoning behind it like they need an older child who can interact in an older way but the look of a little kid
UC: yeah, I get it. But I WANT YELLOW KITCHEN CUPBOARDS DAMNIT
Moon: HAHAHAA dont we all. “accept it now!”

The one where we lose our fancard
Moon: all i can think about is rob and kristen interacting with this girl like WHAT is that gonna be like??
UC: I cannot IMAGINE!!!! i can’t remember- are there many scenes with the 3 of them? Can Stephenie write one in quick- family hunting trip? NO jacob? just the 3~?
Moon: yea the whole happy little family in the cottage and before the whole witness scene wait didnt they have a family hunting trip isnt that what irina sees?
UC: ohhh yes! I can’t remember is Jake is around the corner

REVOKED!

Moon: cue our twifan card being taken away from stephenie herself
UC: I mean… IMAGINE that for a second Cute 9 year old, blood on her chin Rob…. blood on his chin. and his shirt Kristen chomping down on a deer i mean… it wasn’t that ridiculous when I READ it but that’s RIDICULOUS!
Moon: right how is all this going to look?! have we not learned to TRUST yet?! i mean we worried about taylor and Kristen in NM we worried about the leg hitch and they’ve taken care of us but id be lying if i wasnt worried A LOT about BD
UC: A LOT
Moon: the birth, the baby, the hunting
UC: the sex- I mean….. what if we have a ton of nonstens in our theater? Do you think we’ll be safe? should we hire bodyguards?
Moon: dude we get that they’re together, we also dont care and we also get that theyre ACTORS i hope and i dont hope it’s awkward as hale
UC: i know…. b/c if it is, it’s because they’re thinking “omg this is awkward cuz we do this in real life- rob just broke the headboard LAST NIGHT- but that’s b/c it was Ikea and I got it when I was 10″ he and TomStu were jumping on the bed You know what I hope?
Moon: what do you hope?

BOOBS


The one where we love kids
UC
: I hope that when we watch it… we see Bella & Edward- just as we imagined them when we read BD for the first time I hope I forget it’s Rob & Kristen because as fun as being “involved” in their stars lives is (without their knowledge moohahaha – creeper) it’s quite possibly ruined the characters for me Can we really look at Edward & not think “He eat Hot Pockets”? Can we see Mike Newton & not think “Boobs?” And briging it back to Renessmee- can I see her on screen & not think “bitch is too old” Also… can I call a 9 year old a “bitch?” Cause I don’t think I can…
Moon: you called a 9 yr old a bitch…….. welcome to LTT world slut! heeeeey!!!!!!
UC: haha, we love jokes about kids.
Moon: ps but seriously, how in the HALE do you spell renesmee?!

So film makers can you see what we’re worried about and what we’re counting down the days till BD for? So make it good, we’re already regrouping our prayer chain to begin “praying and fasting for Breaking Dawn” again. Just so you know…

Renessme/Reneeseme/Renesmee/Renneesmee?
Themoonisdown

PS we dont hate kids, so don’t even try it.

So what will it be? WHO will it be and what did YOU think Renesmee looked like when you first read Breaking Dawn??

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1 Commented


Well when you put it that way…

Dear Twilight,

We love you. A lot. Like A-LOT A-LOT. You know this and we’ve accepted your idiosyncrasies and your quirks and like any good, mature relationship, they only make us love you more. Especially when the movie versions add in totally dumb ones. (shhhh those are our favorites!) But as you know people like to make fun of you and even though we try sometimes it’s hard to explain why you’re so great when people like to focus on the absurd. But they do make great videos. Like this…


“Jacob” kinda has that alpaca look about him, no?

David Slade blew the roof off Eclipse and made even some of the crazy stuff seem totally plausible so what about Breaking Dawn? We KNOW Bill Condon’s got his work cut out for him. Renesmee, births, cottages by the creek, yada yada yada I wonder if he got the cliff’s notes version like this…


Weeeellll when you put it like that…

Plasma TV and AWESOME DVD collection. Maybe these folks should write the script? They know the important stuff.

Oh Twilight, we still love you! Even besides your incessant talk of glowering and Bella’s pregnant foods being eggs and cups of blood instead of ice cream and pickles. We wouldn’t trade you for anything, for realz.

Happy Labor Day!
Themoonisdown

Happy Labor Day to all the folks in the states. Yes, another holiday where we grill stuff and hang out in pools and what not trying to hold on to the last bit of summer. So enjoy your day off and we’ll see you back here this week!

Special Thanks to Mandy and Bea for sending us the videos!Have an idea and want to write a letter while we’re grilling today? Saw a video, a picture, or a news story we need to see? Send it in! DO IT!

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32 Commented


Where are they now? All our old favorites edition!

Dear LTT-ers,

Anytime I hear Lady Gaga’s song “Pokerface” I inevitably think of AmanDUH and I get sad. She was a legend in her own time and then deleted her YouTube account before we barely knew her. Well we KNEW her kitchen and her hallway with the bed sheet strung up and we DEFINITELY knew her “special” husband she made dress us as Edward in their backyard but we didn’t get to see her mature into her artistry. And that got me thinking about all our other old Twilight favorites that we loved and talked about so much… what are they doing now? Are they happy? Do they think back on us and Twilight with fond memories?

So I decided to do a little research and see what our old pals are up to.

How I’ll always think of Michael

Oregano – Michael Angarano will ALWAYS be the Young William in Almost Famous and for that I will always love him and I truly have high hopes that he will or maybe has escaped the Kristen/Robsten nonsense he was aparty too. I heard some rumors of him and Emma Roberts being an item and that would account for the frosty exchange between Rob and Emma on Leno but I don’t care enough to research this. So I’ll take the easy route… from the looks of IMDB he is busy like a bee, but not too much to pace in front of my favorite coffee shop a few weeks ago. My friends had to restrain me from asking what REALLY happened and what Cathi is REALLY like and if Nikki was REALLY involved in the whole final breakdown and if he can get me Patrick Fugit, Zooey Deschanel and Phillip Seymour Hoffman’s numbers.

Catherine Hardwicke – Besides being asked to make appearances at all TGIFriday’s grand openings in the continental US because she’s such a huge supporter of the chain restaurant our dear Jamaican vacation loving cougar is directing movies again! With Billy Burke as a character in her new period piece movie, Red Ridinghood, I wonder if she’ll make him grow a killer pornstache or walk around with a sword in one hand and a can of Vitamin R in the other. Whatever it is we know she’s already got the Lukas Haas/Amanda Seyfried audition tape from her groovy bedroom in Venice Beach on LOCKDOWN.

Sage – Formerly of super group Sage and the Dills. Ok, maybe not super group. But according to Nikki Reed herself she directed Sage’s video for a song which I’m sure I don’t care about but features Nikki’s “friend” Johnny Flynn. Why, Johnny WHY?!

AmanDUH - Oh Amanduh… where for art thou AmandUH?! You made us love you with your renditions of songs from the Twilight soundtrack, your dramatic reading of chapters from Twilight and who can forget the music video you did with your special Husband? We miss you! Where did you go? I did some light googling and found our girl is STILL at it only she runs her own fansite… HER own fansite the Amadah fansite and has like 5 youtube accounts. And I’m sad to report I think she may have left “Special Edward” and the kids in that apartment, changed her name and is now a porn star with a guido looking boyfriend. Maybe. These are my conclusions after my google research.


(if someone can figure out wtf that black line over her lip is, I’ll give you an award)
She’s also decided to honor The Runaways and obviously Kristen’s portrayal of Joan Jett with this stunning hair and makeup job. Though NOT a mullet (amateur!) she does have the pleather painted on! ALL HAIL AMANDUH! She’s back… or at least until she finds out I embedded her video here.

All my fave DILF moments, minus the orange pants

Chris Weitz – The man, the DILF, the legend. He made it alright for us to hope for something better than the Twilight movie. Under his careful guidance and sexy scarves we dared to hope for better FX, better wigs and NO spider monkeys. We got 2 of the 3. And we’re forever grateful. Chris paved the way for David Slade to take the reins and OWN Eclipse HARD. We can now only cross our fingers for Bill Condon’s vision for Breaking Dawn and thank Chris Weitz for paving the way. But what is our ol lover up to these days? He famously said he was going to retire after he finished “The Gardener” but by the looks of his IMDB he’s looking sexy as hale AND he’s linked to FOUR new projects that are “in development.” One of these is officially the best movie ever based on it’s title: “Another Bullshit Night in Suck City.” Whatever Chris Weitz ends up doing I’ll always want to give him a hug for making New Moon.

Where will the Bananager and David Slade and Xaiver Samuel end up and all our other latest favorites? Do we think anyone will end up on a future season of Celebrity Rehab? Here’s hoping not unless they have Rehab for an addiction to chain restaurant Italian food. Ahem.

Off to watch a billion AmanDUH  videos!
Themoonisdown

Who do you miss or wonder what ever happen to them? What happened to Buttcrack Santa? Has anyone ever actually been to Sage show?

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78 Commented


Breaking Dawn, can we just not and say we did?

Dear Breaking Dawn producers-

Can we just NOT and say we did? Or actually we don’t even have to say we did. Let’s just use some sort of flashback or dream sequence and call it a day. What am I asking that we avoid you ask? The birth scene… yup, I’m just gonna ask that we don’t. I was just reading an interview with Wyck Godrey, producer of the Twilight franchise where he explained that he wife was an OB-GYN and that they may need her on set to make sure Edward is making the proper incision for an “oral c-section.” SERIOUSLY? Let’s just not. Please? As if I didn’t already take enough flack for the scene in the book and various other Twilight shenanigans that need explaining to civilians. I just can’t shoulder this one. I’m sorry. I’ll explain sparkling vampires, hot and cold body temperatures, celebacy, mind reading, vegetarian vampirism, bad wigs and anything else about Twilight but I just can’t handle explaining why Edward is tearing into Bella’s womb on a 60 foot screen at midnight.

Can I offer some suggestions or even ideas for how to get around this one so you’ll have more time to focus on how you’re going to make Jacob imprinting on Renesmee NOT weird for the outsider? Oh and nice job side stepping the Jared and Claire imprinting business in Eclipse. Don’t think we didn’t notice!

But anyhooozle, maybe since the story is told from Bella’s perspective we can go inside her mind again a la Twilight the movie after she was biten by James and Edward sucked the venom out. We saw a very abstract, beautiful montage of scenes from the movie, future, past, present, scenery, etc all set to music (sung by Robert Pattinson… oh heeeeey!). Just a thought and then we could see Renesemee lifted up Simba on Pride Rock style and CUT TO BLACK, end of Breaking Dawn Part 1, meet us back here in 2012 same Cullen time, same Cullen channel. OR we see Jacob headed down to kill off the demon spawn yet he’s oddly drawn to her and he doesn’t know why and then BOOM CUT. Multiple options people! I’ve thought about this a lot. Clearly.

Then of course, because I love the idea, let’s make part 2 of Breaking Dawn in 3-D because really it’s just a cool idea. Think about how Stephenie Meyer describes Bella’s first moments as a vampire. She sees light reflection off particles in the air, everyone looks so much different and more beautiful… imagine when she takes that first leap off a rock and over the creek behind the Cullen house IN 3D! It’s like we can experience Bella’s new vampirism right along with her. Sure 3D the cool thing to do in movies now and it can be hella lame but it works right along with the story line. LET’S DO THIS!

True luv

And theeeeeennn there’s that whole Jacob imprinting on Renesmee business. We all know you’re gonna get slaughtered in the critiques for it, we know there’s gonna be jokes EVERYWHERE about it. Let’s just take this next few years to ACCEPT IT NOW. But can I suggest a few things? The way Stephenie describes their imprinting is just so interesting and beautiful…

“Everything inside me came undone as I stared at the tiny porcelain face of the half-vampire, half-human baby. All the lines that held me to my life were sliced apart in swift cuts, like clipping the strings to a bunch of balloons. Everything that made me who I was – my love for the dead girl upstairs, my love for my father, my loyalty to my new pack, the love for my other brothers, my hatred for my enemies, my home, my name, my self – disconnected from me in that second – snip, snip, snip – and floated up into space. I was not left drifting. A new string held me where I was.

The gravity of the earth no longer tied me to the place where I stood. It was the baby girl in the blond vampire’s arms that held me here now. Renesmee.”

Jacob Black, Breaking Dawn, Chapter 18, p.360

Yup, pretty much how I see it

So can we just preserve what little personal pride we’re going to have left when all the vultures and civilians start making this the joke on all the late night chat shows and SNL. Can we do another Bella montage type idea but instead with Jacob where as he’s imprinting we see an OLDER, GROWN UP version of Renesmee and not a kid strapped to Taylor Lautner in a Baby Bjorn! PLEASE! Please.

So producers can we just take these ideas or some other phenominal one you have that does NOT include an on call OB-GYN for authenticity’s sake in the “oral cesarian” and run with them? Please? Cause I really don’t want to have to say you did, when you didn’t have to.

The Lock-NESS-blog-monster, 
Themoonisdown

What ideas do you have to make some of the Breaking Dawn moment a little more palletable for the movie go-ing audience. What can we do for the people who just DON’T KNOW?
 
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198 Commented


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