Breaking It Down: It’s so obvious! Marsten, Nachos and English men

Man Up with Kristen Stewart...

Dear Kristen,

We just read your GQ article… yea, we were around when it came out a few days ago but it was simply too late to read and break down cause these things take forever. You understand. So of course after this thing trended (srsly?!) we knew we needed to break it down. So here we are…

Also, we feel it necessary to tell you and everyone else we were in the middle of a convo on Obama reelection chances, Mitt Romney and Rick Perry. Cause we care about stuff… then this convo happened…

The One where they still don’t get it but she looks good

I'm going to fwd her the groupon for laser hair removal

UC: we gotta break down Kstew right?
Moon: yea i was just about to say we need to do that…  i need to read it
Moon: im trying to find a link to this crap
UC: go to i-want-to-marry-k-stew.com or something
Moon: How about  Fierce Bitch Stew?
Moon: yes lets read and then talk
UC: okay godspeed
Moon: srsly
Moon: woah… this shit is long
UC: ugh good opener…like.. well written! ciao bella
omg the description of the mexican place… really? “each beer comes with a basket of salty chips & salsa” ugh. it’s a mexcian restaurant
UC: there’s that prepubescent line again- do they do NO research? the majority of twilight fans are NOT teeny bopper girls!  those girls were 7 when the books came out!
Moon: No, because by doing research and they’d be forced to realize we’re not all little kids and then they’d be forced to consider that maybe this thing it’s not  so bad/childish/dumb and they’d have to rethink their preconceived notions they’ve been fed by the cynical media.
Moon: Sorry, that was a mouthful.
UC: i like the photoshoot a lot.. i think it’s one of her best
Moon: yea she does look great!! I want those suits she’s wearing. .. and dude this person is a super krisbian
UC: the author?
Moon: yes, seems that way

Ohhh heeeey... maybe he's english?!

UC: i like how she knows her bodyguard was named HBG…
i feel like it’s a male author, but i have no idea.. probably not.. but i’m reading it like it is
Moon: yea i think its a gay guy… ok back to reading cause i dont know about HBG
UC: oh haha
Moon: whats that mean?
UC: hottie bodyguard… i dind’t know either but i’ve seen it
Moon: i thought they called him agent security blanket. shows how much we know of the krisbian world
UC: i just realized this is the UK version of glamour & that’s why there are misspellings!! i was like “man.. editor missed a bunch”
UC: “Twilight is catnip for those young innocent girls” … out of all the young innocent girls i know who have read it- and i know many- no one has latched on to it like we have or our friends. even KRISTEN doesn’t get it. i feel even MORE alone.. as an adult…
Moon: ks doesnt even get it but I guess that’s like a lot of people who just don’t have that personality type to really get INTO something or enjoy it without caring so much what everyone thinks.
UC: that’s what I was saying!!!  young girls have short attention spans.. they will freak out when the movie comes out again, but they (few) care in between
Moon: “They asked me to do silly things, and I wasn’t a silly kid.” imagine that

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From the mailbag: Stuff my guy said about Twilight

Hey, girls!

This is the first time I’m writing because, well, I’m a new fan of Twilight. Yep, it’s true. I only just read the books this summer after seeing Eclipse at the movies! How did I manage not to get sucked in before that, you ask? Easy, I’ve been working my ass off to pay for plane tickets so I can see my boyfriend of 5 years who is now my long-distance boyfriend. We literally live on opposite sides of the country (he in Hawaii, me in Florida). Why do I do this? It’s a long story, but I keep it up because he’s amazing. Maybe this letter will give you an idea. . .

So, I trust that you’ve both seen this Burger King commercial?

Yeah, the boyfriend saw them, too. And when, on my last visit he busted me with Twilight in my purse, he totally lost his shiz. He spent the rest of the week asking me if I was gonna leave him for Edward because “he’s had 100 years to learn how to love?” (Snickersnickersnicker) I laughed with him, ’cause it was totally batshiz insane for me to be reading these books. I’m a grown woman! But I spent the rest of the week taking free moments to read it. Then I made him take me to the bookstore so I could buy New Moon. He laughed, but took me anyway, and then bought it for me.

Fast forward to a couple of weeks later. I’m finished with all of the books and my obsession is in full swing, but I’m too embarassed to talk about it with anyone- even the boyfriend whom I talk to multiple times a day. I was deep in the closet, kids. I had just discovered LTT when I got a special care package in the mail. The boyfriend had sent a few things I had forgotten, as well as a special post card:


I’ll translate because his handwriting is illegible. It says

“I’ve only had 31 years to learn how to love, but the last 5 have been the best.”

Not a full-fledged unicorn, but I swooned nonetheless. Here’s hoping all the LTT girls are just as lucky!

xoxo
Hezaire

Awwwwwwww…. give this Unicorn a hand you guys!!!!!!! COME ON! Big Thanks to Hezaire for writing in to us and you should to! EMAIL US!  So who’s had their man or a guy in their life play into your obsession with Twilight? What happened? Anyone’s man dress up like Edward? ;) Any other newbies to the Twidom, like Hezaire?

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

15 Commented


Appreciation Sunday: Nikki Reed

Dear Nikki Reed,

No, it’s not April Fool’s day and YES, we mean YOU Nikki Reed. We are going to be appreciating you this Sunday for our reoccurring post Appreciation Sunday. I know you’re probably pretty surprised but we do have a lot to be appreciative about when it comes to you… so let’s get started shall we?

We appreciate…

Your body
While some of the gals in Twilight have the bodies of 13 year old boys giiirrrrrrl you got some curves in all the right places. I can’t lie I was super jelly of your booty in that vampire baseball uniform. Thanks for keeping it real for the rest of us and all I can say is: You better WORK girl.
c
Paris Latsis
I think I speak for all woman kind when I thank you for falling on this grenade. Poor poor Paris spent an unfortunate amount of time with a one Miss Paris Hilton and for that well, he’s considered unclean and probably lacking a little in the mental facilities BUT he did find you and you both seem to be happy and while he has looked like a member of Color Me Bad in the past, he IS a greek shipping heir so I gotta hand it to you boyfriend who owns yachts that sail around GREECE ain’t too shabby. Well played my dear.

Find out what else we appreciate about Nikki Reed after the jump
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Everything I need to know about life I learned from New Moon

Life lessons learned here

Dear LTT-ers and TwiHards,

Remember when we gathered together some of the lessons we had learned from Twilight last year? Well, it’s time we hit up New Moon since the film version is out and we’ve (sorta) reread it again (and again) and there are a slew of lessons to be learned that I wouldn’t have known otherwise…

  • If your new best guy friend starts running around in the woods in just a pair of jean shorts and some sneakers, he will NOT catch a cold. He will run a temperature of 108 but don’t worry, this is normal. He may also turn into a werewolf.
    c
  • If a man with a pair of orange pants and hiking boots is directing the sequel to a movie adaptation of one of your favorite books: TRUST HIM. Perhaps with your life. He will NOT screw you over. And you just may find yourself drawn to orange pants and man purses (murses)
  • Trust me, I'm a director!

  • I know you will be anxious when the lead actor in the first movie leaves for 2/3rds of the second movie but take a deep breath and let the underage boy taking his place worm his way into your heart. You will NOT miss the first boy and it will truly be “as if he never existed.”
  • Mike Newton may have gained like 30ish something pounds but he still has some of the best lines and can act the HALE out of the flu!
  • Just like in Twilight it is perfectly normal to expect your best friend to be the boy next door who suddenly morphs into a hit piece with a 12 pack, a penchant for fixing up broke down cars and motorcycles, and will love you more than your whiny ass deserves even when you can’t get over the hot vampire boyfriend who dumped you in the woods months ago and moved away.
  • I learned that if you are depressed and you sit in a recliner for 3 months, you will not get bed sores, a flat “shelf ass” or muscle atrophy…seriously how did she do that?

Follow the cut to see what else we learned from New Moon
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Is Twilight a Chick Flick?

Dearr LTT-ers, Frequently we open the mail bag to bring you letters from our readers. Today’s letter is from K who argues that Twilight is a chick flick and should NOT be watched by watched or the books read by guys. Read her letter and tell us what you think. XO-Moon

dvdcover

For ladies only?

Dear UC and Moon,

Due to a recent development in my love life (thank goodness, right? I was getting a little bored with a lack of one) I think I’ve come to a realization, and that is this:  I don’t want to date a unicorn.  :o  *gasp!*  I know, right?!

We adore our beloved unicorns.  We encourage them.  We create them (to the best of our abilities).  So why on earth wouldn’t I want my new interest to become one?
Lets face it:  Twilight is a chick flick.  Movie and books both.  There’s absolutely no arguing against that.  I don’t care how many wired stunts, mirror crashing action, and buttcrack santa jokes you throw in there; it’s still one of the biggest chick flicks ever.  I’ve heard so many people try and argue this point and fight against, but truth is truth.  So without further adieu, I give you my stance.
You know it’s a chick flick when:
  • it’s a love story
  • the fan base is undeniably, predominantly female and has a “tween” rep
  • you here shrieks of glee when the title flashes across the screen
  • the lead male is frequently referred to as “beautiful” on and off screen
  • it inspires products like lip gloss and shimmer powder
  • the lead male sparkles
  • the lead female is fully clothed for over 95% of the movie.
  • there’s a prom scene and no one dies (so close bella)
  • the subjects discussed between characters include dresses, boobs, characters’ relationship status’, and the swim team’s peens.
  • the dialogue includes words and terms like “irrevocably”, “matriculate”, “masochistic”, “Debussy”, and “spidermonkey”.
  • there’s more silent, awkward turtle, moments then there is action
  • the only weapons are mind powers which do not translate visually.
  • fans constantly fight over who’s the dreamiest
  • it takes place in a forest setting and there’s no sign of elves, dwarves, or an extra-terrestrial fought by a commando who states “If it bleeds, you can kill it.”
And lets face it, as far as chick flicks go, this one is unconditionally and irrevocably one of the chick-iest of them all.  Which brings me back to why I would never date a unicorn.  Girls always talk about how they want a sensitive guy, who’s not afraid to show his emotions, or cry.  Fine, good, be sweet and adorable and cry when your puppy gets hit by a car, but for the love of all that is good and right in this world, do not run out of the room in horror when a spider is spotted and do NOT like Twilight.
Dear all future boyfriends….

 

Follow the cut to see what boyfriends should NOT do!
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