“Cliff notes” on the (irrelevant) numerous Breaking Dawn Characters

You know what I’ve thought once or 10 times since Breaking Dawn buzz has come pouring out? “I need to re-read or at least review this book so I can have some sort of clue who the H all these new characters are.” But…. that requires work. And I’m all about no work these days. Thankfully, East & West Coast Staceys saved the day & did allllll the research for me!

Dear Breaking Dawn and LTT,

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Oh my, those Brazil pictures…you know the ones…Bella and Edward kissing in Latin America looking all adorable. Well this post isn’t about those two, it is about how Breaking Dawn has started and the fun of Eclipse filming has started again. This time around, not only do you have the wolf pack to keep track of, but now all of the new vampires. I had noticed that many of us who comment on LTT are having a hard time keeping track of all of these newbies. This wasn’t a concern for me, it only made sense (That book is HUGE!),  until my partner in crime SnowWhiteDrifted aka West Coast Stacey admitted to me that she didn’t know who Garrett is! What! It was okay that she didn’t know the greatness of Lee Pace (a travesty), but Garrett! I write Talk Supe, with the lady! But I am here to help and school you in the new BD characters. Let’s call it :  Demon Baby University (DBU). Here is WC Stacey (SWD) and I discussing the new friends (and Jenks) of Breaking Dawn.
SWD: It’s so true, East Coast Stacey, I NEED your Cliff Notes version of the Breaking Dawn Characters. I just can’t reread this book. The second half just seemed like assigned reading from Lit class, because I just lost interest after, well, …the huge closet. That was my dream come true (once I realized the “fade to black” was really how it was going to be and I needed to find something else swoonworthy, i.e. the closet).

Garrett and Kate: Let’s start with the important one (to me). He is a patriot vampire. That is to say, he was turned during the Colonial times and is still sporting the ponytail. He is also a new romantic lead for an upcoming book about Garrett and Kate. (Okay, not really, but read this Stephenie and make it happen!)  You see his romance with Kate, was the best part of the second half of the book. (Also a very tiny part, so my imagination might have taken some creative liberties. Darn you fanfiction!) Since, I mentioned her let’s talk about Kate. She is one of Tanya’s ‘sisters’. She has an ‘electric’ personality. Seriously, she shocks people. That’s her power, which makes her cool. Unlike, her sister ‘Tanya’ who it appears to have the power of being slutty. Also, I just like the character of Kate. She seems cool, which is why Team Seth should have gotten the role and invited me to visit her on set so I could meet Lee Pace (Thanks a bunch, Condon. * note sarcasm *)
SWD
: Ohhhh, they were from the Alaskan coven, I’m starting to remember (I’m totally lying. And wondering just how much wine was I drinking during my BD reading that I don’t remember a Patriot, I love 18th century dudes! Seriously, look at the $10 bill, Alexander Hamilton is hot… maybe even the original #HotAlex).

The rest of the Alaska Coven:
Tanya
: We all KNOW Tanya. Attempted deflowerer of Edward. Seducer of human men. The casting of which many of us are not to wild about. I am attempting to wait and see on this one. She does look cat like.
SWD
: I remember her hair description. I remember she has platinum blond hair in that cute Drew Barrymore in Scream cut, right? Or wait am I confusing her with the other one? Ugh which one is in Midnight Sun? Midnight Sun, now that (rocked) sucked! I’d rather (have crows peck out my eyes than) read the extended histories of Casius & Carlisle’s Scarf Tying techniques than the rest of  that (masterpiece) drivel.

Irina: Maggie Grace from LOST is playing this character. This is the sister who turns in the Cullens to the Volturi, because her boyfriend Laurent got ripped apart by the wolfpack. Two thoughts: 1. Wouldn’t be great if Laurent would show up in a flashback and 2. She played Ian Somerhalder’s step sister in LOST! (You knew I had to add him in here somewhere.)
SWD
: (*thinks: Smolderholder’s in LOST? Yes, another pop culture phenom I missed.)Yes, we need more Laurent. I want to see more of his Pimp suits.

Eleazer: As previously noted on LTT, he’s being played by Dexter’s Ice Truck Killer. He was very creepy in that. but young looking. I always imagined him looking older and distinguished. Why? Because, Eleazer was the talent agent of the Volturi. Like their own version of Ari from Entourage, finding talented vampires. Hmm…Jeremy Piven might have been an interesting choice.
SWD
: Ha ha got it, Ari= Eleazer, Aro= big budget movie franchise

Carmen: Eleazer’s lady. Liked ‘the baby’. Seems to be an Esme type character.
SWD: “Liked” as in “tried to eat”? Or she really just changed diapers and stuff?
EC: All the vampire ladies were itching to get to those diapers. Which I find odd, since I welcome others to do it for me all the time.
SWD
: You mean your baby right? You’re not sportin’ the Depends are you?

Get more educated after the jump! Continue…

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