Time to admit our Breaking Dawn Fears

Today’s letter is brought to you by Bunty

Dear Breaking Dawn,

Okay I’ll come clean. I’m scared.

There I’ve said it. It’s the twilight-sticker-emblazoned-2nd-hand-embarrassing-elephant-in-the-room that no-one wants to mention. No I’m not referring to the prospect of Summit trying to make the shirtless one with the high-armed comedy run imprinting on a newborn baby seem normal to film critics in the way it is to us. No I’m not talking about how they can find enough interesting stuff to fill out part 2 with what is basically going to be a 2 hour film about vampires coming over to stay for a few days and then lots of vampires stood in a field glaring at each other before agreeing to go home after all. Oh no I’m talking about something much more important.

I’m talking about Edward’s clothes.

Is this the Cullens?

Now first let me make something clear. Stephanie’s knowledge of what hip and thin American teens wear was clearly wide of the mark in the books, even to my British sensibilities. I remember reading twilight and reeling (I say reeling – I mean climbing off the washing machine mid-spin cycle) at the mention of the white leather jacket and sleeveless shirts. Vampires are supposed to have lived through the 1980′s new romantic fashion era but aren’t supposed to dress like they play bass for a Duran Duran tribute act on a weekend. Given the dodgy material to work from therefore, Cathy the cougar was bang on the money when she came up with the Twilight wardrobe for our favourite sparkly one. People with anemia look brilliant in blue. People who aren’t people anymore and not technically anemic as they’re dead because they’re a vampire without blood full stop (but have a scrotum full of sperm apparently and the ability to have an erection without blood – are you following?) look brilliant in blue. Think classic tweed, think well-cut suits, handmade Italian shirts, basic wardrobe staples like a black t-shirt, plain denims. You’ve lived through every bad fashion era but are wise enough to recognise the best bits and tailor them to fit your 17 year old body in the current era. Marvelous. Thank you Cathy, job done, back on the washing machine we all hopped.

Good job Cathy. Must've put down the cougarita that day...

This is why women buy more clothes for men than men do. We’re good at it. We know what makes a man look mean and moody because we think about it all day long because we’re normal. Chris Weitz and David Slade – we love you, we do really but there is a reason your mom took you shopping instead of your dad. You just haven’t got ‘it’. Take New Moon for example, now I appreciate what you did with Edward wearing the same suit from Bella’s birthday party to getting his nips out in Italy. That was quite moving but his suit was crap frankly and the history teacher footwear looked like something Dick-the-dad would wear. I won’t even mention the three quarter length frockcoat from the dream sequence and knitwear/jacket combo in the proposal scene (I just did). In Eclipse you felt the need to dress him in a colour which can only normally found on white bra’s that have been through the wash too often. I believe it’s referred to as chewing gum white. This only served to highlight his pastiness rather than his marble-white lovely bits. Just because it’s sold by Gap and for some reason everyone in wardrobe thinks Edward would like Gap that doesn’t mean it’s not shite. I know you have to buff up the funny-running one with tight black t-shirts but please remember that they will stand next to each other in many scenes and that one will make the other look like he’s welfare dependent and overly fond of vitamin-deficient tinned goods.

A scene from a Duran Duran hit video?

Bill Condon you are giving me nightmares. I hope the stills released were a spoof and featured clothing superimposed from a 1987 Gap advert. What the hell is that stripy sweater he appears to be wearing in the honeymoon scene? A sweater, chinos and bare feet? Are we back on the whole Duran Duran trip again? Shove a straw boater on him and tell him to channel John Taylor? And the blue Rio shirt? You’ve tried to copy the Twilight blue shirt but you’ve made him look like a motivational speaker at an accountancy convention. I won’t even mention the comedy wedding morning suit (I just did). Morning suits were designed to be worn with silk cravats not bow ties.

Scaring women isn’t nice. You’re ruining it for me. Stop it. Now.

Lots of love,

Bunty xx

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