Breaking Dawn… business cards!?

Dear Twilight,

A few weeks ago USA Today featured the Breaking Dawn promo cards given out at Comic Con (Moon? Are you reading this in Africa? Did you get these). They were horrific.

We’ve seen the pictures before. They are gracing us on the pages of the 2011/2012 Breaking Dawn Calendar. I think they’re supposed to get us excited for Breaking Dawn. Instead….. well, MarbleNutSlut though they looked more like bad business cards:

I jumped in on the fun with my own interpretations:

Looking forward to doing business with these 3!

Love,
UnintendedChoice (and MarbleNutSlut!)

Why are these promo pictures so horrible? What other occupations could the Twicast be involved with?

No updates from Moon to report so they must be busy running their camp for kids this week in Kenya! But if she gets a few moments to show her Kenyan friends LTT (Ha!) here is another picture to show how much we miss her!

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37 Commented


Breaking Dawn changes to make quick while no-one’s looking………..

Dear Twilight,

It’s only been a few days since my last letter to you but I feel the need to contact you again as a matter of some urgency regarding the pending release of Breaking Dawn/headboard parts one and two.

I know it’s all wrapped up. I know everyone has gone home, wardrobes have been returned shop-soiled to Gap and Bella’s wig has been returned to world famous pubic hair wig makers ‘Tufty Mufftys’. This letter isn’t directed at the acting crew or even Bill Condon. This is for the group of people who edit the films. I need you to do me a huge favour. When Bill’s not looking, I need you to forget EVERYTHING you were told by smug Scummit executives who’ve never actually read twilight and sneak back in and re-edit the movies using the following criteria (and/or CGI):

Quickly put in MORE of the following:

More of this. Much, Much more

1.Watch the original Twilight again and check out the scene when Edward jumps onto Bella’s truck (this is not a euphemism). He jumped down nonchalantly and pinged her bodywork into place (nor was that). It worked because he looked kind of cool in a not-trying kind of way. That was more like book-Edward. He was fun and playful. Put lots of that stuff in because he’s the one we actually liked and the sole reason we all turned out for the 2nd and 3rd movies and became laughing stocks.

2. Edward’s self-conscious strutting from car to truck in New Moon with resplendent indie/rock backing track. Include more of this, particularly in plaid shirts but not in slow motion because it’s embarrassing when I’m watching with my husband. You could re-do the wedding ceremony and have Edward walking down the aisle towards Bella and Charlie instead of the other way round as a DVD extra.

Just... no!

3. Normal contact lenses. Cathy H = bang on the money. Chris and David = comedy Halloween contacts that even the disturbingly low-hairlined Jessica would notice in the canteen. When Mrs Meyer said gold she meant a subtle yellowy-brown tone not luminous neon yellow like Michael Jackson’s in the Thriller video. Photoshop the eyes if they’ve got it wrong………again.

4. More Headboards. Enough said. If possible combine more headboards with more groaning sounds and more back muscles we never knew he had. You could always skip Breaking Dawn part 2 and just put out a 2 hour film of Edward visiting Dreams the bedstore and trashing every divan. It would be much more interesting and the same audience would still queue overnight to cop an eyeful of that magicness.

5. Bella falling over. It was funny and it happens A LOT in the books which if anyone on the team had actually bothered to read, you would know this. I’d quite like to see her fall off the bed mid-shag and headbutt the wall like I do after 10 vodka’s but hey that’s just me.

Like this except... less Disney-like

6. Fast driving at night with the lights off. Was Cathy the only one who remembered that bit? Forget the faux-fight scenes as you’d impress more guys with a few 100mph handbrake turns in a sporty volvo than Esme trying to look vaguely menacing whilst mum-punching a new born in slacks.

7. Insert the moonlit scene with Edward in the ocean. I’ve seen the trailer and Summit appear to have missed the second best scene in the book. Put the moon behind him. Make him look all marbelly and lovely and WET. You don’t have to add Bella, in fact just place a black sillouette where she would be with a ‘insert your face here’ tag on it as that’s what we’ll all be doing in our heads because we’re NORMAL.

More after the jump! Continue…

74 Commented


The one where I call a stop to all the spoilers (and assume someone will listen)

Dear Breaking Dawn,

This is it. The time has come. I know you’ve been waiting for me to sit us all down to have a chat, and, well, here it is:

I demand a STOP to all the spoilers.

This is not a spoiler

Don’t get me wrong- I’m not one of those “I don’t want to know anything- not the new actors names nor whether or not Rob put on 10 pounds this time around” (he did) nor am I one of those “purists” who won’t even read Midnight Sun (crazies), but I also like the idea of of leaving a little something something to the imagination. Wasn’t life better when we were surprised? Wasn’t that why we all fell for Twilight? Because while we knew the story, we didn’t know much else- so we were surprised? Surprised how bad it was but how much we loved it despite that fact?

Neither is this

Isn’t it possible to promote Breaking Dawn without showing us EVERYTHING that will be in the movie? Granted, some of the spoilers are not Summit-approved (especially the ones from Breaking Dawn 2 I was sent last week- AY!) but STILL- why must people spoil? Do they really think I need to know exactly what the headboard-breaking looks like? I’m going to see the movie regardless of whether I saw that image or not. In fact, you showing me a picture of Edward looking half-alien, half-Solomon from the Bible makes me question if I should see it (Only question though. Of course I actually will.)

This is a spoiler. Just kidding

 

 

There has been chatter that we’re going to see a picture of the wedding dress before November. November is still a LONG ways off- of COURSE that picture is going to leak. But isn’t it possible that some of us don’t want to see it!? I want the first time I see the dress- whether it’s hideous or gorgeous- to be when I’m squeezing Moon’s hand in the theater. I want there to be SURPRISES in the Isle Esme love-making scenes. And because some loser stole Stephenie Meyer’s teaser copy & screen-capped the whole thing, I fear the few clips I’ve seen (and I really only saw a few) are EVERYTHING and while they’re pretty good…. I want MORE! The problem with spoilers is that they’re never enough. And we want more. And then even the REAL thing isn’t enough. We’re selfish & spoiler and I’m JUST SO DARN TIRED OF IT!

Now don’t go dark & silent from now until November. That would just be the WORST. But let’s cool it with the spoilers for a bit. Maybe release a few “Get to know this new actor no one cares about” featurettes or some Official photos of Alice Cullen actually looking stylish. You know what? I’m gonna let YOU decide what is & isn’t appropriate to share now that I’ve shared my thoughts. I think you’ve learned enough & I can trust you!*

Love,
UnintendedChoice

*I just mean today I’ll let you decide. Tomorrow I’ll be back to deciding for you

What do you think? Are you ready to leave a lil’ BD to the imagination? Are you joining me in calling an END to the spoilers!

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110 Commented


Breaking Down the Breaking Dawn Trailer

Dear Breaking Dawn,

Well THIS came out last night. And before the official reveal it leaked & Moon & I got a chance to break it down, vanity fair style:

Outside of the US- this worked last I checked: Trailer on You Tube

Beller Getting Married

UC: okay wanna start talking where the commercial for Louboutins starts?
so that first scene – Aro is getting the news that a baby was made- NOT an invite, right??
Moon: they’re not stupid they want a big gift- those volturi have lots of money. you KNOW they sent along a “registered at bed bath and beyond card” in their invite
UC: and also “babies R Us” “just in case”
or do you think Bella really wanted Aro to give her away” “Who gives this woman to be wed to this man” Aro: “Her mother & I give BELLER away”
Moon: BELLER is getting married
UC: BELLER getting married!
Moon: BELLER is engaged!
UC: BELLER is PREGGERS!
Moon: So excited for beller
UC: haha

All by Myself

He's gonna need another beer for this news

Moon: dude poor ol charlie
UC: Seriously- Alone AGAIN… Singing “All BY MYSELF!”
oon: love the vitamin r next to him. its like you might wanna sit down for this one. AND you’re gonna need some alchy
UC: I mean- he’ll be a gramps soon- and in the dark as to why his granddaughter grows a weeks worth every few hours,

I'm gonna be a grandma!! I need to find shorter shorts!

Moon: Charlie is missing harry. harry would have seen right through these shenanigans
UC: Then we get Renee- looking her trashy florida self in her jorts. too short for a woman her age… about to become a grandma
Moon: i think renee and cathi hardi were pals in another life. they had bunco nights and girls night at fridays- this scene was actually shot at cathi’s venice beach house

Don’t you DARE use paper that hasn’t been recycled

Moon: so do we think jake is mad they used card stock instead of vellum for the invite? or that they didn’t opt for the recycled ones?

how COULD they kill a tree for their wedding?

UC: yep- SO mad…. it deserved a shirt rip off
Moon: totally. “I’m SO mad they didn’t use the english “honour” instead of “honor” that i must rip this shirt off and go instruct them on proper spelling for invites” Also can i just say the invite is a little plain
UC: right..where was Alice? was there a sale at Barneys the day these were ordered?
Moon: this is alice we’re talking. I’m expecting something at least on the level of the bridal shower invite in Bridesmaids
UC: Target’s card section has better invite templates
Moon: i want to see a butterfly released when i open the Beller and edward wedding invite AT LEAST
UC: AT LEAST- wolf-shaped confetti- just to stick it to him a little (Edward’s idea)
Moon: i could have printed something better from from the microsoft publishing templates section. “You are cordially invited….” to spend your own money seeing this movie 58 times. Love, Summit Entertainment
UC: SO nice of them
Moon: you are cordially invited to… sleep outside for a week on a sidewalk in los angeles to catch a glimpse of mike welches hair at the premioere of this movie

UC: and i love how Billy is about to roll out of control- in the rain, off the ramp… face dive into the mud
Moon: I’m just glad billy is getting some air time, butI wish they gave him a guitar before he inevitably eats it in the mud
UC: maybe he’ll sing at the wedding. one can hope or at least at Charlie & Sue Clearwater’s wedding
Moon: the sabers and cougars can only hope
UC: which I hope is the premise of the inevitable SIXTH twilight movie a year or so after the last one comes out. No one else will have to be in it- they’ll all be out of contract
Moon: summit BETTER give us the love story of sue and charlie
UC: so they’ll have to bring Solomon Trimble back…
Moon: directed of course by Cathi with a screenplay written based on her sue and charlie fanfic
UC: yeah and she’ll cameo as a friend of Sue’s
Moon: “love ain’t nothing but a number or age or whaterer”

Cedric Diggory Getting Married

Try to pretend this doesn't look just like Cedric

Moon: omg Cedric diggory is gettting married
UC: hahaha YES hHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
UC: i love it…… CEDRIC DIGGORY getting married TOTALLY
Moon: can we love on Wyck and steph on the brides side of the wedding???!!!
i guess they’re more family of beller than cederic diggory. maybe jk rolling’s on cedric’s side
UC: well, Steph IS the original beller
Moon: seth’s behind wyck and steph. tells him where he stands! who’s the dude on cedric’s side in the blue hoodie? Didn’t get the memo about this being a wedding??
Moon: do you think mr Molina (mr. banner) was invited? i mean he should be credited with setting them up. he made them lab partners.
UC: I hope so
Moon: maybe he gets to make a toast….
UC: He SAW the ‘jizz in my pants” face in person
Moon: something about going from the golden onion to a golden wedding band
UC: that would be beautiful. Here’s hoping
Moon: after the jizz in the pants face he KNEW it was something special
UC: it wasn’t your typical ‘jizz in your pants” face that his 16 year old students normally make!

Eat your heart out boys

UC: so Beller looks HOT- I mean beautiful or whatever a bride should be. I think they might have fake lashes on her- very pretty look for a blushing virgin bride
Moon: oh dude do they not show the dress???!!!
UC: ohh they don’t!
Moon: gotta wait for the big reveal in the theaters???
UC: yes- they should…. i mean.. unless we’re gonna laugh or .. maybe ESPECIALLY if we’re gonna laugh. We need something to laugh at .. always!
Moon: i really hope it’s old timey and NO spoilers people who saw the leaked pics!
Moon: also who’s the pastor?
UC: i dunno! have they been going to church all this time?
Moon: i thought emmett would get ordained online by the universal church and marry them. FAIL
UC: that would have been so special. missed opportunity
Moon: tell a bad sex joke before the vows

Moon: I love that in the Rio scene Beller and edward and standing still while everyone is dancing in the street
cause we KNOW rob and kstew have zero rhythm
Moon: and robsteners PLEASE don’t comment about their rhythm in the bedroom. GROSS
UC: duh #robstendreams
Moon: oh dang theres a shot of them getting it on by a waterfall
Moon: omg I’m totally not ashamed to say i went back to the headboard part & re-watched it. i mean come on
UC: it’s so hard core.. i mean… the sound- was kinda like when the curtain tore.. in the temple.. that might be sacrilegious to say.. but it kinda had a religious look to it… on my first look:

Try to tell me this wasn't in the Bible

Moon: it definitely did. the shit hits the fan. LITERALLY- like this headboard is hitting the fan and the curtains
UC: his back- the muscles.. i felt like… it was Biblical… Samson or something is that weird?
Moon: no
UC: kinda weird…. but.. no seriously–
Moon: bella is defs a Delilah
UC: we’re getting all spiritual up in here. Okay i just watched the Biblical Samson scene again.. .kinda dramatic..
Moon: yea I’m pretty sure thats thunder
UC: i mean.. yes… it’s important… it’s 2nd best to the leg hitch (i’m all about the simple things) but that was a LITTLE over the top
Moon: and the folks at planned parenthood are crying the exact millisecond rensemee was conceived
UC: a bolt of lightening hit at the exact moment the sperm hit the egg
The Sun was hidden by the moon- There was an eclipse. And a thunder strike…and the folks at MTV excited- Bella can be the newest hero on Teen Mom
Moon: exactly. edward and bella season 3 of teen mom only without the trailer park and and kid with pink rubber glasses
UC: hopefully Renesmee doesn’t have those. time will tell.
UC: Back it up a bit- to FURTHER solidify my point above about the spirituality- they show that famous Rio statue….foreshadowing something- i dunno what…. but definitely comes full circle with the thunder bolt- breaking of the headboard- samson & Delilah religious scene
Moon: i just want to hear bill condons directing rob on tearing apart the headboard while the choir sings
UC: yes- The 100 Monkeys were on set that day providing the soundtrack to the love making and headboard breaking
Moon: it was actually jackson singing on set. he made up an impromptu song about losing your vcard to a vampire
UC: they made it a rap “break that board- break it good” inspired by a poem sent to him by a 100 monkeys fan the week before
Moon: everyone got really pissed after they had to listen to it 10 times in a row. the Brasilian crew revolted- even in a diff language 100 monkeys is horrible

I'm so fat

Moon: Do we even care that charlie bewley throws that girl across the room for no reason?
UC: NO! Let’s just go to the preggers part
Moon: I love that she touches her NON EXISTENT stomach
PLEASE GIRL
UC: yep… PuH LEESE. like.. at least eat a 1/2 bag of cheetos so we can SORTA believe it
Moon: thats more the buritto you ate in rio last night than it is a baby. Or she didn’t do enough street dancing at the fake carnivale to work it off
UC: right…. gotta get on top next time so you actually have to do something- that’ll disappear in no time
Moon: and edward looks like OH SHIT that cant be mine right???!! when did she have a quickie with newton in the stock room??!!
UC: he’s like “oh… i did read in “how to make love to a virginal human” that the sound of thunder would roar if my seed would implant… but I didn’t think that applied to me”
Moon: I mean if they don’t know for sure… if theres even a shadow of a doubt that they can conceive shouldn’t Carlilse be telling everyone to wrap that shit up?!! I mean COME ON!!!!!! it still baffles me
UC: RIGHT I mean… of all the things to baffle us… that probably doesn’t have to be #1 on the list .
Moon: its a mortal no-no for us to have a vampire baby but hey let’s see what happens
UC: like…. really renee? You just let your 18 year old daughter her married? that SHOULD worry us more…
Moon: They should roll a PSA after this about “safe sex”
UC: that would be awesome
Moon: and the mtv should have a commercial for a special season of teen mom since that’s basically how the trailer ends- Fade to Black- aka FADE TO NEW SEASON OF TEEN MOM starring Edward Cullen & Bella Swan.

And there you have it! We saw the trailer, We loved it, we fangirled & got excited for November 18th which STILL feels so far away!

What did you think!?

Love,
UnintendedChoice

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

237 Commented


Ohh the good ol’ days of Twilight

Dear Twilight Cast,

Let me be a grandma for a second and talk about the “Goldie Oldies,” or the “Good old days” Or “Way back when” or “When I was a kid…”

First… some explanation as to why I’m donning a bonnet & jumping in a caddy with my walking stick, and a pocket full of werthers caramels, and a bunch of stuffed animals in the back of my car (okay I’ll stop). I logged on to BreakingDawnMovie.org to catch up on what’s going on in Vancouver & I saw this:

Ashley Greene looking like someone ate half of Ashley Green’s legs. No seriously. Where did they go?

Gill Burmingham shows up sans wheelchair & looking jacked

and Kristen also arrived in Vancouver- but that was too boring to even grab a picture.

And.That’s.IT! The CAST is in Vancouver. There are no pictures of them together. There are no dinners out. Lunches in. Dance parties. WHY, Twilight gods, WWWWWWWHY!?

If the boringness of airport arrival photos wasn’t enough, I had to click on a link about celebrity roommates and see THIS:

FAKE LEZZIES FTW!

with the caption:

Nikki Reed and Kristen Stewart: The Twilight castmates bunked up while filming New Moon in Vancouver. “We didn’t go out that much,” Reed told Us. Instead, she said that cast would “go to group dinners a lot. Peter Facinelli is a great cook and so he made us pasta.”

(They mean “Italiano,” of course) Sniff! Do you remember it? I don’t really mean the fake lesbianship- although I sort of do- but I mostly mean THE FRIENDSHIP, The discussions of the friendship & the knowledge that the cast actually likes each other.

A friend in Vancouver sent me an email after hearing the 100 Monkeys are gonna play Vancouver sometime soon. She asked what she thought the chance of the cast showing up would be. I answered:

100 monkeys are gonna be in Vancouver: Will Twihards show? YES
Will Robsten? HELL NO. Will cast members whose names we can’t remember show? Probably

And this is what makes me sad: I bet Rob & Kristen haven’t talked to Jackson since last day of filming Twilight. During the first filming we used to hear stories about how they holed up in each other’s hotel rooms, singing songs, drinking & bonding late into the night. Now everyone is so divided. I wonder if the cast divides along Nonsten/Robsten lines like the fandom does? If so who do you think swings which way? Nikki is Nonsten, obviously. I bet Taylor is Robsten. Just because he’s seen the bear-skin rug in person so he knows the magicness is real. Ashley is probably Nonsten too but only because she refuses to believe a guy could fall for any other girl before she hooks up with him. Do you think Bill Condon has a side? Stephenie? You’re welcome to write an anonymous comment today to let us know. Just call yourself “The Original” and we’ll know it’s you.

WHY is it that when cast group news or pictures emerge it’s just about the new vampire covens that no one really cares about? Why can’t everyone in the cast we care about just get alone? Why must they ruin our fantasies that movie-making is magical & beautiful and isn’t, at the end of the day, like a “job” anyone else goes to!? Even I go to a happy hour with my co-workers on occasion. After a shoot, walk down the street to the closest bar & get crunk together! Get Taylor & Kristen fake IDs. Do shots off Kellan’s washboard abs! Get Kristen to sing “Back to December,” dedicated it to Taylor during karaoke. Play SPIN THE BOTTLE and get video of Jackson & Ashley’s make-out. Ask Peter to cook you ITALIANO every night! Just please please PLEASE be friends again. For just a few more weeks while you’re finishing up in Vancouver. These are the BEST days of your lives. You’ll miss them when they’re gone. One day you’ll be an old grandmother like me, wishing for the years of your youth.

Love your ol’ granny,
UnintendedChoice

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

190 Commented


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