The one where we discuss Bella having the EASIEST pregnancy EVER

At about 12:30 last night Mr. Choice said to me “It sounds like instead of blogging you’re playing with your new Facebook profile.” He was right. Sorry LTTers. You’re welcome Zuckerberg. (and for the record, I like the changes. According to FB my very first convo, on 2/1/2005, was with my roommate at the time and was exactly this “…Adam Brody.. ughhh”) Okay onto Twilight:

Yep, you guesed it! I'm going to post lots of pictures of Kristella pregnant today

Dear readers,

Warning: If you don’t have kids, and are squeamish, you should know that this letter contains lots of over-sharing about pregnancy symptoms.  Of course, if you’re squeamish you should probably think twice about getting pregnant, period.  As much as I love having kids, I wish somebody would have told me about all the stuff pregnancy entails.  And you might as well hear it from me, ‘cause your mama’s not going to tell you.  She wants grandkids too much.

Dear Bella,
I’m not one of those girls who hates you.  You know the ones—those TwiHards who want you to drop dead so they can have Edward to themselves.  Because, obviously that’s gonna happen.  Yeah, you have your stupid, whiny moments, Bella, but don’t we all?  Stephenie sketched you brilliantly loosely so we can all identify with/ pretend to be you… and who doesn’t want to be eighteen and adored by the hottest boy on the planet?  As much as I love you (and, let’s face it, Edward) Ms. Meyer was right: if she wants to write more after Breaking Dawn she has to move on to a different narrator because we can’t identify with you as much, so it’s not the same reading experience.

The beginning of Breaking Dawn is the ultimate imagine-yourself-in-Bella’s-shoes read.  Getting to fill in the fade-to-sad blanks with all our favorite dream-honeymoon fantasies is a ridiculous amount of fun.  But then you get pregnant.  And it was a fun ride the first time I read it, before I’d had children.  But after two children in the last two years I can’t help but roll my chuckle at the melodrama of it all.  And I love the rest of your melodrama—souls, vampire law, trying to save your indestructible boyfriends and all—but the pregnancy stuff just makes me roll my eyes these days.

Being pregnant with a vampire baby is PURE BLISS!

Your kid sucking your life away from within?  Honey, virtually every woman who gestates a child feels like that for at least 8 weeks of the first trimester and 10 weeks of the last, and you did it for WAY less time than that.  And try doing that first trimester while still breastfeeding your first kid.  Not for wusses.  So maybe your kid broke your spine.  Psshh, whatever.   Try having feet shoved in your ribs and a head whacking your cervix for four months.  Especially fun when they get hiccups.  I’ll give you credit though—you whined way less than I did while pregnant.  Of course, you had Edward to do the whining for you.

Speaking of which, the day you figured out you were pregnant you suddenly see a baby bump.  I get the accelerated growth thing, but there’s no way that’s your first physical change.  By the time there’s a baby bump your boobs have been swollen for weeks.  And there’s no way Edward’s vampire vision would have missed that fact.  Of course, those unusually large bosooms would have hurt so much that even you—sex-starved martyr that you are—wouldn’t let him touch them.  This is ultimate irony of pregnancy as far as daddies are concerned.  Now there’s a reason for him to be whiney.

And you had a house full of super-powerful vampires and werewolves doting on you, valiantly trying to meet your every need.  I just had a needy toddler, a house full of moving boxes to unpack, and a husband who works 60 hour weeks.  Not feeling the sympathy, girl.

You missed out on so many of the joys of pregnancy, Bella.  I’m going to fill you in on a few of them, and I’m sure you’ll get some great additional information from our delightful commenters.

  • Will you come to my white trash baby shower?

    Of course eating fried chicken made you puke.  I couldn’t touch meat—let alone cook it—for months.  Except sausage and shrimp.  Because what pregnant women will and won’t eat is always logical.

  • Forget eating making you puke, try gagging every time you brush your teeth for four months.  Especially fun because when you puke you then need to brush your teeth again.
  • Creeped out by those crazy dreams you keep having?  At least you’re sleeping.  Between the back aches, the weight on your middle mandating you sleep on your side even though you’ve always slept on your back, and straight-up insomnia, sleep’s a precious commodity.  Even before that newborn keeps you up all night.  Oh, wait, you missed that newborn sleep deprivation part too.
  • Be thankful you were cooped up in that beautiful house being taken care of ridiculously well.  Going out in public just means awkward stares, unsolicited advice, and having to find something presentable to wear that fits this week.
  • Not holding down any food probably means you missed out on the fun of a itty-bitty smooshed bladder, constipation, diarrhea…  Too graphic?  As I’ve been saying, normal pregnancy ain’t pretty, dear.
  • That whole emergency C-section via vampire teeth thing wasn’t pretty, but you didn’t go through a single contraction, let alone days of labor or hours of pushing.  You get bonus points for delivering without an epidural, though.
  • You totally skip breastfeeding, and nobody laid a “if-you-really-loved-your-child-you-would” guilt trip on you.  No pumping, cracking, engorgement or living life in three hour chunks for you.
  • Need we start in on the fact that without the healing powers of vampire venom post-partum breasts are never the same, you’ve got a pooch where your abs used to be, varicose veins, stretch marks, there’s no sex allowed for six weeks more or less, none of your shoes fit…
  • And you had Alice to deal with all the clothes havoc.  From needing new bras within weeks of getting pregnant to having NOTHING that fits for six months post-partum, but not wanting to buy anything because it (hopefully) will be too big soon, having children is a wardrobe catastrophe.
  • And then when your baby is born she sleeps, so you can too!  Oh, wait, you couldn’t, could you?  But you got fabulous vampire sex instead of unending exhaustion, so it doesn’t count.

Just did a little preggers photoshoot for Eddie

Can I continue down the road for a second and tell you about the fun of toddlers who don’t have advanced comprehension of the universe or ability to communicate via mind-meld and therefore spend a couple hours out of every day throwing fits?  That’s probably a different letter, isn’t it?

I hope my letter hasn’t made you too sad about all those human experiences you missed, Bella.  I think you’ll probably deal with what I’ve told you just fine.  I wouldn’t show it to Edward if I were you, though.  It would make him unbearably angsty for days to think about all the amazing things you gave up to be with him.

All my best,
Bea

P.S.  Uptight readers, stop freaking out on me.  I love my children, mostly enjoy breastfeeding, and think childbirth is one of the most crazy-amazing things you will ever do.  I just hate being pregnant.

Hilarious look at the human experiences Bella LUCKILY missed out on in her life! Can you think of any more? (Oh, and Bea sent this letter late July. I asked for an update, but haven’t heard back yet. I sure hope she had the baby. Cuz her pregnancy sounds AWFUL. They’re not all like that, right? Like, if & when I have kids I can expect to never crave meat, gain weight, feel aches, fart in public, complain, cry, regret letting Mr. Choice plant his seed in me? RIGHT?)

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

Oh.. and I couldn’t leave you without posting this AWESOME find from last night:

85 Commented


The latest & the greatest Twilight news brought to you by LTT

Dear Twilighters, Twihards & LTTers,

Have you felt out of the loop? Summer has been busy, Eclipse left the theater long ago (did it? I have no idea) and Robsten drama is sooooo yesterday’s news no one even cares to talk about them anymore. Well, to my surprise, when I did a little research for today’s letter, I found that, in fact, there is stuff still going on in the fandom. And some of it isn’t boring! Let’s jump right to it:

Ashley Greene films movie called L.O.L. in Paris with Miley Cyrus

I guess this film is about 2 girls who start a sexy girl “Happy Hands” club. I mean what else could it mean when Ashley Greene makes jazz hands while showing off the top of her bra? In other news, Ashley Greene is making awesome career choices. L.O.L.? Miley Cyrus? Seriously? Maybe she just signed on because it’s in Paris & she really wanted an almond croissant. I could understand that.

Rami Malek is cast as Benjamin in Breaking Dawn

And we all scramble to dust off our Breaking Dawn books to remember who in the H Benjamin is so we could sound intelligent when discussing the latest Twi-news around the dinner table. Can’t remember who borrowed your BD book (seriously. who has mine?) I’ll help you out: Benjamin is from the Egyptian coven & is the vampire with the ability to influence the elements: fire, water, earth & air. Oh yeah… him! That’s what I said when I first found out who he was. I was in a sarcastic tone because seriously. I barely remember him. I guess it’s time to re-read Breaking Dawn (seriously!? WHO HAS MY BOOK!?)

Upon further research from the Twilight Saga Wiki, it looks like Ben was created by Amun who is extremely overprotective of him and terrified of the idea of him joining another coven. Sounds like Amun wants Ben for a lover if you ask me. But it turns out Ben already has a lover: Tia. Tia, of course, means “Aunt” in Spanish. So Ben’s lover is his aunt, and Amun, his creator wants him in the Biblical sense. Things get freaky over there across the Nile!

And a BONUS: If you look past the fact that he kinda resembles a younger Brendan Fraser, Rami he is pretty cute too! Whoo hoo! More man meat to drool over in this fandom!

The Twidom tries to kill me

Be still my British flag waving heart

PopSugar: Gossip Girl’s hot! We all love it.

Ed Westwick: Maybe if I had vampire teeth.

PopSugar: Maybe you need to play a vampire with that other hot Brit.

Ed Westwick: We should play brothers. Me and Rob Pattinson should play brothers.

PopSugar: In Breaking Dawn?

Ed Westwick: Is that the next one? I’ll put the call in. Let’s do it.

And I start begging Stephenie Meyer to “suddenly” remember that Edward Cullen had a brother who was “saved” from Spanish influenza by another vampire family so Ed Westwick could be in this role & my British fantasies could come true. Well, I guess I need to also have her introduce me to the two Brits and leave me alone with them in a hotel room for a couple hours. Fingers crossed.

An adorable little girl is rumored to be up for the role of Renesemee

Question on Renesmee application this parent got right: “Does your child have an inappropriate relationship with a boy” Check.

And then we start praying even HARDER. The demon-baby spawn of Bella & Edward not only chews her way out of Bella’s womb, is imprinted on by a grown man, but is a child old enough to attend Kindergarten!? HOW DO THEY THINK THIS IS GOING TO WORK? RENESEMEE WILL NOT MAKE ANY FRIENDS IN SCHOOL. SHE WILL BE THE WEIRD LITTLE GIRL WHO TOUCHES THE OTHER KIDS FACES & HAS NO DESIRE TO PLAY WITH DOLLS BUT REALLY REALLY LIKES JOHNNY JR.S DOG THAT HE BRINGS FOR SHOW-AND-TELL. LIKE CREEPILY LOVES IT. SHE ACTUALLY LETS HIM OFF HIS LEASH DURING RECESS & RIDES HIM AROUND THE PLAYGROUND. THEN ANOTHER DOG- OR SOMETHING THAT LOOKS LIKE A DOG- SHOWS UP AND GETS UPSET. A DOG FIGHT ENSUES. THE WEIRD KINDERGARTNER CHEERS ON THE SECOND DOG. HE WINS. JOHNNY JUNIOR WATCHES HIS BELOVED COCKER-SPANIEL, POOCHIE, GET EATEN ALIVE BY A BIGGER DOG. AND RENESMEE IS THE YOUNGEST GIRL TO BE THROWN INTO JUVENILE DETENTION. THIS IS A PROBLEM. I DON’T KNOW WHY I’M SCREAMING. BUT IT FEELS APPROPRIATE.

That’s all your Twilight news, brought to you by LTT, always a reliable source!

Love,
UnintendedChoice

Thanks to Breaking Dawn Movie for always having the best news (and lots of good pictures too!)

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

171 Commented


Should Breaking Dawn be turned into a movie?

bdawnDear Summit,

It’s us again. Writing you for the second time this week. Don’t run away in fear- this time we’re not here to criticize. The big news this weekend is that the new website you launched- The World of Twilight- has a ‘coming soon’ link for Breaking Dawn. This is BIG. We’ve heard many of the actors say they’re signed on for the 4th installment of the series, but so far you’ve been mum on whether or not you’re going ahead with the highly anticipated and highly controversial movie.

I’m gonna be honest- there are a few huge issues with turning that book into a movie, and I’m not convinced that it’s going to translate very well onto film. I’ve been racking my brain trying to come up with a way you could market the film considering some of the problems I’ve foreseen. I came up with a few teasers you could use- see if you think any of them would work:

  • S-I-C-K-N-A-S-T

    S-I-C-K-N-A-S-T

    Breaking Dawn- the story of how a half-vampire baby bites its way out of its mother’s womb while its vampire father kills the mother by biting all over her bloody body.

  • Breaking Dawn- watch the magic of the movie makers as they create a believable baby using CGI who can communicate through touch. We promise it’ll be the most believable and the least cheesy CGI baby you’ve ever seen.
  • Breaking Dawn- A movie that will surly have Robsten lovers orgasming in their theater seats as they finally get to see Robert Pattinson & Kristen Stewart, a couple they desperately want to be their real-life Bella & Edward, do it. A lot.
  • Breaking Dawn- Watch as a teenage boy falls for a little girl. No! Not like that! We promise, even Chris Hansen would like this movie!

Obviously you can see the problems I’m talking about. Breaking Dawn is a love story marketed to teenage girls, not a horror flick with scenes bloodier than Saw 1-8 combined (there are 8 of them now, right?)  Renesmee is a very special baby and while I believe Stephenie beautifully portrays her abilities on page, there is no way in hale that that will translate into a movie without being incredibly cheesy and/or very fake.

isleesmeWhat I foresee with Robsten finally getting it on on screen could be disastrous.  Picture my first viewing of Twilight the movie. I was sitting next to this little chubby 10 year old wearing a Team Jacob shirt. I said, “Why are you Team Jacob?” And she answered, “Cuz he’s the best.” And then I bitch-slapped that lil chubster. But then I felt really bad cuz she confessed that Hot Topic only had smalls left in the Team Edward shirts. This was in November of 2008- the passion for the franchise was there, but nothing like it is now. And Breaking Dawn won’t be released until, what? Maybe February 2011? There will be absolute chaos in movie theatres across the country when Non-Robsteners yell out “Her boobs are small” when Bella first takes off her clothes in the moonlight or “That should’ve been Ashley Greene!” as Edward starts to break the headboard in the bedroom. Robsteners will go crazy. Breaking headboards and ripping pillows will be nothing compared to what the movie theatres will look like after the fight is over.

And when Jacob imprints on Renesmee? It doesn’t matter that it’s not sexual and is just a “big brother” kind of thing- every one knows that Jake is a teenage boy and thinking about the day his ‘lil Nessie grows up. And Chris Hansen ain’t down with that.

But you’re movie makers. And you’re in the business to make money. And no matter how bloody, cheesy, barf-me cuz it’s Robsten, and pedofilial the movie ends up being, fans are gonna crowd the theaters, camp out for the premiere & scream for joy when Edward loses his virginity finally. So you’ll make the movie, regardless.

Here are a few suggestions I have to hopefully help Breaking Dawn not suck.

  • Fade to Black: Stephenie Meyers did it and you can too- but just choose a different scene to fade from. Kristen can clutch her fake baby bump, stutter and blink & attempt to feign pain- she faints- it goes black. We see through her eyes…then black…hear her breathing…black…see a baby being held over her head…black…and then taken away by Rosalie…And then the camera pans to Edward who is working to change Bella. But instead of a horror bloodbath scene and Edward injecting a huge needle into Bella’s heart, we see his face, diligently working on his beloved….then black….

    TWILIGHTLOVE

    "We are family. I got my half vampire baby and me"

  • Rob, Rob and more Rob: Obviously Isle Esme is the most anticipation part of Breaking Dawn the movie. If you thought fans went crazy at the sight of shirtless Edward in New Moon, just wait until they see Sexytimes Edward. Suggestion to please all crowds- lots and lots of Robert Pattinson. Sure, show Kristen’s face once just so we know Edward didn’t grab the housemaid to warm up, but then show nothing but Rob- his back, his side, his arms, his ass (would this ensure an “R” rating? Cuz I’d love to see Breaking Dawn without a 10 year old next to me) his face, his lips- Rob, Rob and more Rob…
  • The Olsen Twins: All I know is that a CGI baby won’t work. But I know the Olsen twins would. Those girls are experts on winning over the world with their baby-ways…. hire them, they’ll figure out how to train a newborn baby how to act- and if they can’t they probably have a factory in some third world country that can come up with some alternative.
  • Jake, Renesmee and Quil

    Jake, Renesmee and Quil

    No imprinting: Yes, I know… it’s powerful- Jacob imprints on the woman he love’s baby. I get it. It’s special, blah blah blah.. but it also works better on paper than it will on screen. I just can’t see Taylor Lautner looking longingly at a small child like he’s going to be her big brother but also knowing that someday they’ll get it on. It doesn’t matter how much coaching Big Daddy Lautner gives him (“Just gaze at her like I gaze at the oven while your mom has double fudge chocolate chip brownies baking- you want them now, but it’ll be worth the wait.”) so sure- hint at the fact that someday Jake & Nessie will end up together, but leave out the messy, creepy imprinting on a child crap.

It won’t be perfect, it will have to deter from the book slightly, but from the gazillions Stephenie has been making so far, I think she’ll be fine with it (To be doubly sure, just invite her to view the Isle Esme filming- one look at Robert Pattinson naked eating feathers will cure any anger she has towards you for messing with her book)

Looking forward to seeing Kristen & the child cast as Renesmee catch their first CGI deer,
UnintendedChoice

Just an FYI- I loved Breaking Dawn, didn’t have a problem with Renesmee, Jacob imprinting or a bit of Isle Esme (duh) But I want to keep the book in my mind- I don’t want to see it on the big screen. Although I have a feeling I’m not going to get my way….

Do you think it could work? Breaking Dawn on the big screen?

all images found on Google images- well, except for the Bella’s Womb one. That’s a craft I made last night. Just for fun.

Go make your own creepy craft & post to The Forum
Moonpie brings you Rob Rob and MORE Rob over on LTR

120 Commented


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